Sweetness

by S Gonzalez

  “I told you, you’d like it. Now that you know what it feels like to be my whore, you will be begging me for more. I know you liked it, Emma. Your body told me so. If you didn’t like it you wouldn’t have reacted to me.”

  I am still. Not yet have I said a word. He can’t be right. The sight of him is enough to make me want to throw up. I don’t like this, I don’t. I hate him touching me. I want to die.

  I come back to the here and now. I don’t think I have blinked the entire time I told Max my story. After blinking back the tears that threaten to escape my eyes, I stare at the top of Max’s head, while he looks at the floor.

  “Max, say something.” He looks up at me with fury in his eyes. I keep trying to hold back the tears but it is no good. The warm, salty liquid streams down my face. Max pulls me closer to him, comforting me out of my posttraumatic funk.

  “Emm, don’t cry.” He holds my head in his chest, rubbing his hand up and down my back. “Shhh. Don’t cry.”

  I look up at him and wipe the tears away. “He told me I liked it Max. I didn’t like it. I told him I didn’t like it, I swear. Every time he raped me after that he made me say I liked it, or he wouldn’t stop. I hated it Max. I swear to you, I did.”

  “Emma, stop. I know you didn’t like it. He is an asshole to do that to you. I believe you Emma. I do. I am sorry I ever made you feel otherwise.”

  Relief washed over me as I my body slumps into his. “It’s not so bad anymore. The memories I mean. It doesn’t bother me like it used to. The nightmares ended a while ago and I just…moved on. I didn’t want him to be able to control my future, so I put it all in my past.”

  “Did you ever see Dominic again?”

  “No. That night Glen told me if he ever caught me with him again things would get ugly for me. For both of us. I didn’t want to find out what the meant. A few weeks later I started my senior year of high school and just focused on getting out. Things got worse before they got better but by that spring he left me alone.”

  I don’t know why it is so important to me that Max knows the truth. I guess talking about it helps. Carrying the burden of this secret for so many years has affected me in ways I didn’t realize. Affected the relationships I’ve had with men. I have thought about Dominic over the years. I never saw him without Mary and I didn’t want to risk Glen hurting her for helping me, so I never even tried to find him.

  “You never told anyone? You shouldn’t have done this alone, Emma.” I pull away from Max and look at him as I try to explain the best way I can.

  “I saw a rape counselor for about 8 months during my freshman year. She said that I handled it the best way I knew how. She also said that girls who are repeatedly raped often act the same as I did, and go into protective mode. She said that when you are repeatedly raped you check out of your own body sometimes and detach emotionally during the attack. In hindsight that is what I was doing. She also told me that a rapist justifies what they are doing by making you feel like you want it, and no one would believe you if you said otherwise.

  “They have to keep you scared so you won’t tell anyone. That is the way they keep the control. Once they feel they have all the control, they will make you feel like this is your doing and you are somehow making them do this. Once Glen told himself that I enjoyed it, he probably believed he was doing nothing wrong. What he told you, Max, was probably true in his mind. It was probably what he told himself to be able to look at himself in the mirror every day.”

  Max nods and lowers his head.

  “As for putting myself in harms way, for him to save me…also not true. I was a wild kid, from the first attack to the day I moved out. I would drink; I did drugs, and I was reckless because nothing I did was worse then what had already been done to me. I had trust and promiscuity issues. I am aware of that. Sex is something that I do without feeling because that is what it is to me. I never wanted Glen to save me from myself; I just wanted him to leave me alone. The counselor said that for a girl who never told anyone I was handling myself very well but I should eventually tell someone. So once I was ready, I told you and Wanda. After that I didn’t feel so cooped up in my own head, ya’ know. I trust you and Wanda. Me telling you was a big step for me. It helped me liberate myself. From that point on I felt I was able to finally be normal. I didn’t feel like a freak and an outcast. You both were so understanding and never judged me. That’s why I got so upset when I thought you didn’t believe me.”

  “I am truly, truly sor-,” an ‘AH HA’ look appears on Max’s face, “hold on a second.” As he walked into my bathroom he pulled out his cell. He looked like something just dawned on him.

  Who could he be possibly calling in the middle of our conversation?

  A few minutes later he came out with his eyes gleaming with determination. “Lets go. I have a surprise for you.”

  “What is it?”

  “I can’t tell you. We have to stop by Wanda’s job on the way home. I want you to come with me. I have something to show you.”

  “Ok, lets get Mark and Wanda.” When we enter the living room Max pulls Wanda off to the side for a few minutes. I talk to Mark and poke around the cabinets while he finishes his sandwich.

  Not long after, we head back down the elevator and into the parking garage. I wonder what Max is up to. I know he told Wanda because her excitement apparent by that goofy grin on her face. They both keep looking at their watches and I see from the time on my dash that it is about 11pm. What is going on? Where the hell could he be taking me this late on a weeknight?

  When we arrive at the bar it is pretty deserted. I see there is a white van in the parking lot and a few guys are unloading equipment. The bar that Wanda works at is hip and trendy New York venue that still plays live music called Club Epic. Epic showcases all types of musical artists from hip hop to hard core metal. Musicians often play here, in this smaller setting, for VIP fan engagements or promotional tour pre shows. Wanda likes to work them and meet all the up and comers. Max and I are usually allowed to pop by to see the action if we want. The owners are really cool like that.

  The bar owners are great people and family friends of Wanda’s parents, so we we’re always welcome. Wanda leads the way through the back entrance where the bands’ roadies are unpacking the equipment. I still can’t understand why we are here. From the Marquee on the front entrance, that I saw when we pulled up, there is a band called ‘Lost’ playing here Friday night, but I don’t know who they are. I’m not interested in seeing the show if that’s what Max was getting at. Perhaps he thinks I have a thing for rock stars after I told him my tale of woe. Who knows?

  Wanda and Max tell Mark and I to stay put near the side of the stage while they sidled up at the bar to talk to Donnie the bartender. I sit on the steps leading up to the stage. They both glance toward the stage when Donnie points in that direction. I can’t see the stage from where I am sitting, because the curtains are mostly closed, but I can see the bar area. I take out my phone to check my Facebook as I wait for Wanda and Max to finish what they are doing. Wanda calls out to Mark and sends him off on an errand or something. I am not paying attention.

  “Check 1,2…Check.” I shiver at the sound of that voice. “Mike can you hear me from over there.” The voice shouts across the room that is empty except for a few regulars and crew. I know that voice.

  HOLY SHIT!

  I know that voice.

  “Good to go, Dom,” the man who I am assuming

  is, Mike, shouts, “sounds good.” I get up and slowly walk further into the room as the stage becomes more visible and reveals the sexy rocker I once knew. He is still gorgeous, dressed in black jeans, studded black belt, white shirt and boots. His once purple tipped blond hair is now blond with platinum highlights. He looks every bit as good as I remember.

  Turned on I am! His voice alone can still make me swoon. I am drooling over him at the foot of the stage like some crazed fan.

  “Hey”, he says smiling as he looks down at me and gives m
e a small nod.

  “How’d it sound from down there,” he asks with a killer smile plastered on his face.

  “Dominic? Um…good. It’s fine.” I manage to speak. He looks at me quizzically. Perhaps he is trying to place my face. He couldn’t possibly remember me.

  He moves closer to the front of the stage and hops down. Never taking his eyes off me. He casually strolls over to where I am, a confused look marring his face. I can’t stop watching him. I feel like I am slowly melting into the floor with every step he takes. My girlie parts are tingling with excitement.

  Speak Hill. Blink. Do something.

  “I know you.” He says as he shakes his finger at me with narrowed eyes still trying to place me. He then starts rubbing his chin, trying to recall where and when he knows me from. “Jailbait, right?”

  What? Jailbait?

  “Huh.”

  “Emma. That’s your name. I have called you jailbait for so long I forgot what your actual name was for a minute.” He closes in and hugs me. Stunned at his familiarity my hands lift slightly but don’t touch him. His recognizable scent is laced with…oh hell, who cares. He smells like what I would imagine heaven smells like. My girlie parts are not only tingling, they’re screaming.

  “How are you? I haven’t seen you since you ran out on me a few years back.” He laughs.

  I still can’t speak. I just stare at his gorgeous face; afraid if I look away he will vanish into thin air. He looks at me curiously. I hear giggling on the other end of the bar. Wanda, Max, and Mark are looking at me, enjoying my inability to manifest words.

  “Dominic? Seriously? What are you doing here?” I say with a bit too much delight in my voice. As I slowly turn my head back in his direction.

  “My band is playing here on Friday night. What are you doing here?”

  “My friend Wanda works here, and I…wait…did you call me jailbait?”

  “Yea I did. And by the way, messing around with underage girls is illegal, just so you know. You should have told me your real age.” He crosses his arms over his chest in a protective stance. “Your friend said your brother saw you there and dragged you out that night. When I asked why he would do that she fessed up to Rocco and told us how old you were. Not that he cared, but I did. I would have never touched you if I had known.”

  “Well, that’s why I didn’t tell you. Besides I was 17. I was almost legal.”

  “Not the point. You should have been honest with me. To think of what I was going to do to you after the show. I could have gone to jail, ya’ know that? Phew…dodged that bullet.”

  “Thanks!” I look down at the floor kicking a stray peanut with the tip of my sneaker.

  “Not what I meant,” He said, putting his finger under my chin, forcing me to look at him. “I just mean that if your brother found out and was totally pissed, imagine what he would have done if we did sleep together. Tell your parents or something probably.”

  “He was just trying to scare me into leaving with him. He would have never told.” I yank my chin out of his grip, immediately missing his fingers on my face.

  “Either way, you should have told me.” A small smile creeps up on his face. He looks at me with lustful eyes as the green irises disappear into his pupils. “Although images of you in that black dress have come in handy on some lonely nights.”

  My face flushes with embarrassment, a nervous smile plays on my face. “Seriously? Did you just say that to me?”

  He scans the room looking for someone, or something. As our eyes meet again my blue to his emerald green; lets just say the girlie parts are officially on fire. I catch a glimpse of something out of the bottom of my eye. My eyes work there way downward to the bulge in his pants that seems to be inching outward. I can see I am having the same effect on Dominic that he has on me. He appreciates me noticing and gives me a small shrug.

  “Boyfriend?”

  “Nope. Girlfriend?”

  “Nope.” He takes a step closer to me, still looking deep into my eyes, and puts one hand on the nape of my neck and his other hand on the side of my waist. My chest is heaving in soft, shallow pants against his.

  “Do you remember the last thing you said to me?” I shake my head, not knowing.

  “The last thing you said to me was something about touching you like I do my mic stand. Well, this is how I grab her,” his lips speaking less then an inch from mine, “right before I put my mouth on her.” As my lips part to exhale I lean in and kiss him. Memories of our time together flood my brain, making me more needy than ever.

  Our lips move slowly at first, searching for permission from the other. I part my lips slightly and his tongue slides past my teeth and massages the wet flesh in my mouth. Our kiss deepens when I hold him to me by the back of his neck. It is like we haven’t been apart for one second. His touch and taste is familiar. Like mint and something else, sweet. My mouth is filled with his tongue and my reciprocation is making him moan deep in his throat. Oh my, it is just as good as I remember.

  Am I breathing? I don’t’ know how long this can go on but I never want it to end. I don’t think I am breathing. I pull away breathless and panting and place my palms on his chest.

  “You still got it,” he says to me as I try to catch my breath.

  “You’re playing Friday?” I ask.

  “Yeah.”

  “’K. I’ll be here.” I say walking off toward my friends, carefully trying not to fall because my knees are still weak. I need a minute to collect myself before I ruin this moment by saying something stupid. My brain is so foggy, I can’t think straight. Besides, if he wants me now, he will want me even more on Friday.

  “Na, No. Where are you going? You can’t just leave,” he says stepping in front of me while pulling my waist into his hard body.

  “I am not leaving, I am going…for now. I will see you on Friday. Besides my friends are waiting. If you are a good boy I may be able to manage to resurrect the black dress. Or at least something like it,” I giggle and tap him on his nose with my index finger.

  “Emma, I am only here until Saturday afternoon. I am leaving to go on tour. Can I at least see you tomorrow? Dinner maybe.” Leaving? Of course. Just as something good happens to me, fate steps in and rips it away. Story of my life.

  Well let’s at least get you laid Hill, I think to myself. If nothing at all I can at least get a good time out of the deal. It’s been so long I hope I can remember how.

  “Dinner is good. Give me your phone.”

  He unlocks it and hands it to me. I add my phone number then send a text message to my phone so I will have his number as well. When I hand it back he smiles at the word on the screen.

  “Sweetness…that’s what I used to call you. If I recall correctly it was because you were sweet…like sugar on my tongue.” He winks.

  I am blushing a deep crimson. He remembers? Or maybe he calls all groupies, Sweetness. If he is trying to seduce me, mission accomplished.

  “Text me when and where. How’s about 7? I’m moving tomorrow but I should be done by then.”

  “You got it,” he kisses me softly on my lips, “Sweetness.” Dominic steps around me and hoists himself back onto the stage. Before he disappears into the darkness he looks at me over his shoulder and flashes me a wink.

  On shaky legs I walk back to the bar to talk to Wanda and Max. I can see Mark talking up some blond in the corner. He gives me a small nod as I walk past him.

  “Max, how did you do this,” I say as I hug him briefly in gratitude. His eyes are desolate and he looks at the floor for a moment too long.

  “I remember talking to Donnie last week about the show. I liked Hell Razors in high school and I remember that they just got signed a record deal. Changed their name to ‘Lost’. I also remember the lead singer being named Dominic. I put two and two together and took a shot. I wasn’t positive it was the same guy but I think we can say it was a good guess by your reaction.”

  “Amazeballz! I can’t believe after all this time I
am going to get together with Dominic. Thank you, Max. You are redeemed.” I don’t know why Max looks forlorn. This is a good thing. For the first time in a while I am actually excited over a guy. I giggle and Wanda and I go on to talk how dreamy he is while we watch him finish up doing something on the stage.

  “Emma he’s hot. I will be here on Friday working so I will be able to hear him in action. Now it is damn near midnight and we have to move in the morning. Lets get out of here.” We grab Mark and all head back to my Brooklyn apartment.

  That night, a mixture of sweet dreams and nightmares pull at me in my sleep as visions of Dominic and Glen fill my head. I hate that one is tied to the other but after I convince myself that Glen can’t hurt me anymore, I lull back to peaceful sleep with a certain rocker taking center stage.

  Chapter 6 Wanda is jumping on my bed. Why is Wanda jumping on my bed? It is too early for this shit. “Wake up, it’s moving day! Come on, Emma!” I look up with sleepy eyes and see Wanda jumping like a 5 year old on my bed; her head coming inches from the ceiling.

  “Wanda…What the hell?” I look at the clock reading 9 A.M. The movers will be here soon but we don’t have too much to move out so it shouldn’t take long. I am beyond excited for my date with Dominic tonight. I also still have to get a dress for Friday that will fit the bill, so out of bed it is.

  “Stop jumping. I’m up. I’m up.”

  “Movers will be here in 5, they just called. All the boxes are marked so this shouldn’t take long since we really aren’t taking any furniture. I think Max is going to be moving his stuff in here on Saturday. Mark left a note saying he spoke to Luke and borrowed one of your fathers SUV’s to go home get his stuff. Guess he couldn’t wait to move either.”

  “Ok. I need you to come shopping with me later. I need a dress for Friday and something for my date tonight. Although…I don’t know where we are going,” I realize.

  I am nervous and anxious and excited all at the same time. I have dreamt about Dominic and I meeting again for so long, it feels a bit surreal. I have often wondered if I would ever run into him again. I really did like him when we were getting to know each other all those years ago. My feelings for him were the closest thing I have ever felt to actual love for a man. He was the first person I wanted to give myself to. Willingly. Before him it was only Glen, but that was forced. If I slept with Dominic back then it would have been MY choice but Glen stole that from me, too.