Gone By

by Hajong, Beatone

  “Wow!!! That was truly amazing. Was she so beautiful?” Isha interrupted softly.

  “Yeah! She was extremely a queen look alike”.

  “Wish I was her” She grinned.

  I burst out into laugh “If she was you...I would have definitely think of that”.

  Isha giggled out and widely broke out into a quick laugh. I could see that intense motion in her eyes with the wish to hear my treasured story of my life. Wheels kept running more deeper and time elapsing away into future. Nothing buzzed out except for the roaring of the bus engine. However, we were comfortable under the circumstances.

  “So, what happen next. Did you propose her” Isha frisked with interest. I thought of wording out her the next section of my story. So, I proceeded to began with mild voice and my pen didn’t stop to write.

  That day I woke up with a prayer whispering out. The morning had plenty of cheerfulness and joy that circled around. I rejoiced the other night on a victory over soccer match against the local opponent. I was very much delighted with my homework that I could complete the last night. The only thing remained was a little busty, sort of dumping my dirty clothes into the washing machine. I prepared well for my school including my daily sub routine project of collecting house hold magazines that came delivering into our house. With all these hectic line up task, I didn’t miss a single chance to think about Anannya. She was always in my mind with every moment of life I had been going through. I couldn’t wait myself to see her at school.

  I hurried myself with little breakfast to catch up my school bus that would come on time on the spot where I was suppose to board. I stood waited for the wheel. With high intend glancing at my wrist watch with the fear of getting late I stood waiting. But I knew the school bus never got late, no matter whatever speed it may accelerate. The fact was the intense call of my heart, deliberately waiting to see her face, the moment I would reach at school. Finally, at sharp 8:30 am the bus stopped it’s wheel before me. And I shuffled my steps to get in to capture the most corner seat that was available empty. That day I was the last to board on the bus but lucky enough to rest my body onto a seat. I calmly waited until I reached the school. After few miles of distance I could see the school gate before my eyes. Finally, the rate of my heart beat settled to normal. I grabbed my feet on the ground and walked off slowly to my class. I took the first stair case that brought me at my class door. Who knew was it the end or the beginning. Who knew how would I let myself control over those beaten beats. Who never knew how to cry through heart finally had his first tear falling onto the ground. Who never saw a black day, had now turned him into black shades of darkness. How to weep with those broken beats he had no idea of such but that day he finally learned the way of doing it so. Was it a curse or blessing her never knew. As I stood still my steps followed backwards pulling against me. I stood with shades of painful beats. Did my eyes judged me correct or my heart fell for wrong...I stood quiet brimming in silence. I saw Anannya with her boyfriend being seated together at the last corner bench of the class. Both looked cheerful sharing their joy of love. They had the every right to fall for each other, who was I for her. I stood dejected with broken beats pumping slowly. My steps gradually pushed me behind from entering my class. Eyes filled with fear and pain. Tears rushed out brimming up to its limit. Halting to ask the accumulative sorrow to throw out at once. I walked off avoiding to attend any lectures. The sudden break did not support me and I hurriedly disappeared myself from any human sight. I took a long walk through an empty road with heavy heart. Neither I could erase her from my mind. The peak of sadness joined me and I let myself go anywhere my steps followed. My eyes turned red and began to pain like I never felt before. My heart soaked in broken beats found hard to pump a blood. My body shivering with fear and distress trembled me down with a symbol, a Man of grieves. I couldn’t follow where to direct but lost into the world of blinded path. My face turned pale, felt like I lost the reason to smile, the reason to laugh most importantly I lost the reason to love anymore. My breath struggled hard to pass through my lungs. Couldn’t breathe easy, no way out how to see the world now. Felt like I’m a lost puppy now. As my steps followed nowhere, my vision blurred. I was left all alone like a lonely soul being seated here on a culvert far away from the rest trying hard to console myself. Finding the reasons why did I fell in love with her. I wept like a small child because inside me I loved her like hell of a lot. Perhaps now it’s quiet hard for me to replace her. I spent the whole day sitting lonely on that culvert with blurred vision penetrating hard into far distance view that came before my eyes. How could I let myself lost into this world like a losing man. Was my love not true for her? It subtle me with questions on my mind. The sorrow of extreme grief ran through my heart and soul...would not she feel a little bit for me? It dropped me more out of tears. Why couldn’t she wait just a little time. I would have reciprocated her all through my heart and soul obediently. Got lost into the brim of sorrows finally she awarded me with the gift of million pieces of broken heart. Being felt so exile I deviated myself into loneliness. The awful moment shattered me down. Felt like the ghostly graves calling me out. The moment of joy collapsed with sheds of tears dropping out from deeply saddened eyes. A hardcore impact carried me away into desolation state and I was still thinking about her sitting lonely on that cemented culvert. Was it only a dream...was it fair enough questions rumbled on my head and mind.

  “Aww!!! Dear...It’s ok” Isha cracked out in consoling tone. I slightly peeked at her. She glowed out a smile on her face so did I in return to give her a positive response.

  “You know I wrote something that day in my school diary out of deep sorrow”.

  “What did you write” she inquired.

  “I exactly don’t remember now but something I can flash out of my memory” With my slow verse.

  “So what is it” Isha squinted. I recalled faintly and began again to re record for her.

  Had it been a dream, I wouldn’t have opened my closed eyes to look for. I pinched myself if it’s true enough to find if I had fallen for her. She was a classmate, a batch mate until we walked together the Higher Secondary. Lately, I just fell in Love with Anannya. Even though She wasn’t mine, She had a boyfriend Avick perhaps her first Love. I just used to murmur inside of my mind and heart wish She was Mine. All I could just wait devoutly everyday to see her entering the class. But the very moment used to shattered me down as soon as She holds Avick’s hand walking alongside him. I stand in dilemma with no breath holding on my chest but in complete drizzle of moistened heart. I bore the long lasting terrific syndrome of pain and worried that underwent through. A difficult situation to decide, should I forget her. I did used to feel bad, trembling on my knees when I used to think about her with someone. For instant I forethought perhaps now I lost the reason to persuade her. Should I wait, I questioned. What If She never becomes mine, I feared. What If She gets someone else again, I was petrified. In all through these hustles and bustles, it was me that I can’t never forget her. In contrast to say, I loved her truly with the most purity of my heart and Soul.

  If I would make my tears to fall I could fill up to its brim a bottle. If She ever becomes mine, I would devote my words for her into volumes of pages with no ends of gratitude and affection. But all to an end it remained stagnant squeezed underneath my heart.

  The days will be passing from now and my love for her still would remain the same. I wait every tomorrow a miracle to happen and every saddened day to bring the happiness all over again. Sometimes I put into confidence I would have loved her more than anyone else could do. I’d do anything for her. But all these she never knew anything of mine which I heavily carried for long passing days. A chance all I wanted just to let her know I love her deeply which opportunity she never spaced to me.

  I could only fall in love once believing the fact rest is the life. But now again I rephrased myself and decided to let her know at least. Perhaps I hoped she would think over me. I never knew my ne
w hope would let me down again. It was many a times I wanted to be close to her like we knew each other since ages. I used to have words of love and affection for her in my heart. I did comment on her first glance When I saw her, cause my love for her began when I saw her the first time walking through a corridor. But now she’s already of someone’s. I closed over my eyes, felt the stretching knife cut feelings in my heart and mind. Inside I was lost screaming aloud, tearing me apart, pushing me into dungeon of darkness in lost Love. A love of mine so true I wanted to show, which She disrupted before I could bring it out. Now I just can’t believe my deep core affections, feelings and care for her had to bury somewhere deep down in my brain rather carrying them haunting myself in my heart. More of a kind now I’m a simple human being and I sing everyday No Love found, No love lost.

  Isha took a long breath and peeked her eyes directing sharp at me. I managed to look at her for seconds with disappointment on my eyes that floated in the course of my narration.

  “I never knew you loved her like extreme..No man could ever doubt at your realm of true love” her voice softly hissed.

  “When a Man’s story is unfolded it’s the woman that creates the circumstances” I said with low tone. Isha nodded her head and strengthen herself to fix her hair that looked shabby.

  “ When a man cries he cries from heart and the tears falls from his eyes, indicates he’s truth of what he lost in life. Indeed that man once used to love like he never did” Isha tends to console me with her prolific consolation tone.

  The silence accompanied us for a while, the roar of engine and the whirling of winds hustling through the window were the ecstatic element that added to our conversation.

  “If the truth is revealed it gets penetrated into one’s mind and points out the root of its cause”. “There can be no less number like you in this world who not only lost the one’s whom they loved but also sacrificed for their happiness” her voice tended to get more softer.

  “You know how painful and hurting it is to get broken for a human being unlike those of non living that has no effect as such” I said looking at her.

  “But that pain won’t be forever with you. At some point you’re going to be healed as we as feel through these pains and hurting..will make stronger” she added.

  “ I must say it’s the experience of life that teaches us better lesson with hope to let us live better”. “You’re right” Isha grinned.

  “There something I need to know from you Isha” my voice raised with interest.

  “What’s that”.

  “Something sort of..uhhh! what’s your philosophy of life?”.

  “Life is a ruthless path. It takes you where you’ve never been. Touches where you get the most pain. Doesn’t looks at you who you are unless you create it by yourself” she answered.

  I nodded my head with close eye sight at her. I was impressed by that. I never knew Isha had that enormous knowledge of precise life. She in fact had a way of thinking some sort of philosophical perception. So, touched by her encouraging demolitions words that it fiddled around within my mind. By now we have travelled miles and our final destination coming nearer and nearer as the route got shortened and our wheels kept accelerated. The clouds of silence once again hovered around, even Isha braked herself to inquire about the other half of the story. Perhaps she felt the laziness of my words that let her feel sleepy. It’s almost the morning 4:00am.

  “I want to go back to sleep. And sure the rest we will complete after we reach and that will be the final jam of your story” she hinted with half closed eye.

  She pushed herself closer to me. Likewise she rested her head on my shoulder and her hand grasped me hard. With no objections of any insecure thought on my mind I let her put the whole weight of her body on my shoulder. She peacefully went to sleep. I calmly rested my head backward leaning at the back support. I could perceive nothing with clear vision through my eyes, in fact I could feel it’s half closed by now. It demanded a sleep. My face turned tired after the whole night section with open eyes wording out the legitimate story of my life to her. Finally I’ve learned the inner nature of what’s life was meant to me. I started to become more humble and mature in my work in any sort of thoughtful process I conducted. Yet, Anannya was there in my heart like the yesterday tattoo grooved with the moment of past.

  No matter what it said I kept coming back holding her memory and thanked whispering inside for being a part of my past life. Improvising with all that I nurtured my heart to keep it safe with no expectation of something new in coming days. I was still a part of everything I did. I lived every moment like there’s no tomorrow, burning out the regrets and loss of loved ones. My eyes finally called out and demanded rest. It swept away the little brightness that came from the dim light and sharpened it’s darkness somewhere before my sight. I finally fell asleep with Isha beside me. My hand curled in to hug Isha along my side. She squeezed into my warm hug. Her head placed upon my chest that frilled my skin with her slow rushing breath. The calm air blew in through the window that shivered my spine that rushed through my skin. My heart under control, yet it’s rate of beat increased by number that simultaneously followed Isha’s heart. I held Isha very tight curling my hands completely to equipped her under my warm breath. Our bus swiftly moved along the smooth highway propelling it’s wheel faster.

  Nine

  ................

  The dawn started to move in shaving away the darkness. Neither of us alert with eyes open, in true it captured us into deep sleep with dreams of heaven calling us. The sun shook it’s head to shone it’s light. The first ray entered through the window that directly fell on my face. It began to shine with its first charm of the day. My eyes felt the close charm of it and began to glitter with its real value that it needed to be. Now I’ve learned to dry my eyes and to wipe out those broken lashes that were wet due to fall of tiny droplets of water like tears. I realized the real truth of love and began to harness with new direction that revealed on my eyes. Love was a way that showed me new dimensions of my life. It made me more wise and sensible enough to choose between the right and the wrong. Dreams never shattered down until I have learned to fall in love with Anannya. She gave me a reason to take a new height of my life. Taught me the real necessary of give and take duty. Until she made me understand today, Is love more than a duty or just the conjoint of two hearts as one. I still adopt the urgent call of my heart and listens to what it says.

  After prolonged lasted time finally it gave me a call where to take my life. Besides, Isha the other soulful and incentive became a new reason after hardship of raw burning traumatic haunting thoughts that propelled me although after the lost love. I began to think the way I wanted and sort out my inner demons that kept hurting me all through the time. Some rays of happiness poured on me as the sun shone brighter out of its day. It’s the morning 6:00am. We were already in, beyond the boundary of Goa, somewhere in the middle of the state. Cramping to the final state where we would be landed as per our choice of destination. Isha’s eyes still demanded some rest and her head softly laid on my shoulder this time. She broke out of my custody and pushed her body backwards supported with the back edge of the seat. My eyes loosened to open up to view the morning gleam through the window. The reflection of the window casted a shadow on Isha’s face. While she was peacefully drown into the world of dreams. I took a slight glance at her face. I was completely out of drowsiness by now. The rays penetrated hard through the glass window of the bus. The others too were active by now except for Isha who was still into posture of closed eyes.

  I closed my diary that was on my lap for the whole night. I safely injected it in my hand bag. I could count the number of pages I’ve written by the whole complete night along with those words of narration that I versed out to Isha. Our bus passed through lines of villages that came across. The green fields of crops reflected it’s charming colour over its day that gave the feeling of enlightenment. Isha was distracted by the shimmering rays that frec
kled over her face to and fro due to the movement. She finally turned her face towards me. And occurred to open her lazy eyes slowly, peeking hastily at me.

  “Good morning” she wished. I smiled a bit to spread the happiness with a charming response to her.

  “We are about to reach the capital city, Panaji” I hinted my voice at her.