Hidden Blessings

by Kim Cash Tate

  Lance saw a flicker of something in Kendra’s eyes, like she was laboring to focus. They’d met with Pastor Lyles at the house this past month as he counseled them, and in the last session, they’d gone over the service and decided to keep it short—no songs, no readings—given Kendra’s health. Now Lance wondered if she’d even make it through this.

  Pastor Lyles looked out at the guests. “Lance and Kendra have written their own vows, which they will now share with—”

  Everyone gasped as Kendra suddenly slumped—but Lance caught her in his arms. He picked her up and carried her to the front row, where Cyd and Cedric had quickly risen to make room.

  Lance laid her on his lap, cradled in his arms, comforted that she was looking at him.

  “What are you feeling, sweetheart?” He searched her eyes. “What’s hurting?”

  “I don’t know what happened,” she murmured. “My legs just . . . lost power.” She shifted her head slightly and saw the guests standing, staring. “I’m so embarrassed.”

  “If embarrassment is your main concern, we might be good.” He sighed. “You have no idea how much you scared me.”

  Darla ran forward with bottled water and peanut butter crackers. “Here,” she said. “It’s helped in the past.”

  Lance took them. “Thanks, Darla.” He unscrewed the cap and lifted Kendra’s head, helping her drink.

  She took a couple gulps. “My lip gloss’ll be messed up.”

  Lance shook his head at her, amused. “Can we just get you strong enough to say your vows and become my wife, and you can worry about lip gloss later?”

  He took a cracker from the pack, broke a piece off, and gave it to her. Kendra chewed it slowly, then drank more water.

  “How are you feeling?”

  Kendra finished the cracker. “I feel okay, but the test will be when I try to stand.”

  “We can do our vows right here, just like this.”

  “I want to try though,” Kendra said. “I want to stand.”

  Lance helped her to a sitting position, then helped her to her feet. Slowly she walked, hand in his, to the foot of the trellis, as the guests cheered.

  Pastor Lyles whispered to Kendra, “We can do this sitting, no problem.”

  Kendra leaned on Lance. “I’ll make it.”

  “Without further ado,” the pastor announced, “we’ll move to the vows.” He turned to Lance and gave a nod.

  Lance looked into Kendra’s eyes. “There is no me without you. You’re a gift from God that I will treasure all of our days.” He paused, swallowing emotion, wanting to get through it. “I can’t love you with my love because it’s not enough. I promise to love you with the love God gives me for you . . . and He tells me it’s endless. I promise to seek Him for your every need, to trust Him with every one of our days, and to believe that His goodness and loving-kindness will follow us all the days of our lives.”

  Lance paused again. Maybe it was the excitement of a few minutes ago, but his mind had suddenly gone blank. He couldn’t remember the last part of his vows.

  He winged it. “For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness, and in health?” His tone said that was a given. “Girl, I would lay down my life for you. I will cherish you, protect you, pray for you, and be to you everything that God gives me the grace and strength to be.” He flicked a tear away. “I love you, Kendra.”

  Kendra’s hands were shaking in his as she tried to hold it together. “You were my knight in shining armor when I felt abandoned and alone. You were salt and light when my world had spoiled and gone dark. You were an answer to a prayer I hadn’t even prayed.” Her voice broke, and she squeezed his hands. “You are God’s goodness to me. You led me to truly know Jesus, and you’ve shown me what it truly means to be loved.”

  Lance glanced at Pastor Lyles, surprised as the pastor dabbed his eyes with a handkerchief.

  “I don’t know if I’ll be able to be the wife you need, and that scares me . . .” Tears rolled down Kendra’s eyes. “But I promise to ask God to help me. I promise to spend every day loving you more than I ever thought possible. And I promise to spend every day in wonder that I even have another day to live with you.” Her gaze lingered with his. “I love you so much.”

  Pastor Lyles needed a moment himself before he continued. He proceeded with the exchange of the rings, then put his hands on their shoulders, smiling.

  “By the authority vested in me as a minister of the gospel of Jesus Christ, I declare that Lance and Kendra are now husband and wife . . .”

  Lance didn’t hear the rest. His mind stopped at husband and wife. She was his wife.

  “. . . You may kiss your bride.”

  He felt his heart knocking in his chest as he drew Kendra near. They’d never kissed. Not by agreement—they’d never talked about it. He just wanted everything to be right, and in his heart, it seemed right to wait.

  Their arms enfolded each other, and for a moment they simply gazed into each other’s eyes. Then his lips brushed hers, and softly he kissed her.

  The backyard erupted with applause and cheers as everyone stood. A cameraman stood within a few feet, filming the action. The photographer had been near the entire time.

  Pastor Lyles did a final charge and benediction, and Lance took Kendra’s arm in his as they started to walk back down the path. But partway, he decided he wasn’t taking a chance. He picked her up and carried her, to even louder cheers.

  “I was about to say this is silly, and I can walk,” Kendra said, “but I like being in my husband’s strong arms.”

  “That’s a good thing,” Lance said, “because I don’t want a day to pass when I don’t hold you in my arms.”

  She snuggled in, holding him as he held her. “I’ll never forget the day I became Mrs. Alexander. This is the best day of my life.”

  CHAPTER FIFTY-NINE

  KENDRA ROLLED OVER AS LANCE WALKED INTO THE BEDROOM. “I was wondering where you went.” She smiled. “Honeymoon week?”

  “Yep, honeymoon week continues.” Lance set the tray on the bed. “Early breakfast in bed.”

  “You’re spoiling me,” Kendra said, propping herself to see what he had brought.

  “I can do that honeymoon week,” Lance said. “Next week, it’s every man for himself.” He fed her a piece of banana he’d cut up. “Have you gotten used to being in your parents’ room?”

  “It’s still weird, but I’m really thankful,” Kendra said. “It’s roomier, and having a bathroom in here makes a big difference.”

  He nodded toward the wall. “How do you like the flat-screen?”

  “That’s the best part,” Kendra said, smiling at last night’s honeymoon week gift. “Now we can snuggle in bed and watch movies.”

  Lance kissed her cheek. “Snuggling is the best part.”

  Kendra hesitated. “Lance?”

  He looked at her.

  “We haven’t talked about the elephant in the room.”

  He frowned. “What elephant is that?”

  “We’re supposed to be consecrating our marriage, becoming one flesh.” It was hard to look at him. “It’s not much of a honeymoon if your wife isn’t up for sex.”

  “Isn’t ‘up for sex’?” Lance moved closer to her. “Sweetheart, that’s not what this is. Everything is challenging for you right now. You’re undergoing aggressive chemotherapy for aggressive breast cancer.”

  “That’s the other thing.” Kendra didn’t know why this was all coming out now. There were moments when real melancholy came over her. “I feel like you must be so repulsed by my body, by this . . . cancer in my breast. I don’t want to look in the mirror myself. So you’ve got this new wife with a deformed body who can’t make love to you. And on top of that, who keeps you awake with all her tossing and turning.” She stared at the bed. “That’s what I meant about not being able to be the wife you need.”

  “Oh, sweetheart . . .” He put the tray on the nightstand and brought her into his arms. “My love for you is s
o beyond anything physical. Do you know what it does for me, just being able to go to sleep and wake up by your side? Do you know how much I love being able to talk to you when you can’t sleep?”

  “But, Lance, you’re a man, and—”

  “I’m a man, so all I think about is sex?”

  “No, I’m not saying that, but . . .” Kendra looked at him now. “I want you to be honest with me. I want to know what you’re feeling.”

  Lance was quiet a moment. “Okay, that’s good. I want that too.” He lightly stroked her back. “You’re my wife, I love you, and you’re drop-dead gorgeous. So of course I want to make love to you. But I’m not thinking about it, if that makes sense.”

  She looked at him, waiting for more.

  “I could put it this way,” Lance said. “I’ve prayed for God to give me grace for our marriage, to be the husband you need. And He knows when the time will be right for us to come together in that way. Until then, there’s grace to wait, to not dwell on it, to enjoy you in all the ways I can enjoy you now—and that’s plenty.”

  “I guess I should pray more for that grace too,” Kendra said.

  “What do you mean?”

  “It’s not one-sided.” Kendra laid her cheek against his arm. “You’re my husband, I love you, and you’re incredibly handsome. I can’t even kiss you like I want to because of my mouth sores. Being physically challenged is rougher in a whole new way now.” She sighed. “But I want to see what happens after the last chemo today.”

  “That’s also why I brought you breakfast in bed,” Lance said. “To celebrate the end of chemo.”

  “We don’t know if it’s the end.”

  “And we don’t know that it’s not,” Lance said.

  “My mind is already on all the upcoming testing, to see if they can schedule surgery next month.” Kendra looked up at him. “What if the new chemo cocktail had no effect?”

  “You know I’m not going there.”

  “I know,” Kendra said. “No speculation.”

  Her phone rang, and she reached for it on the nightstand. She did a double take at the caller ID and showed it to Lance.

  Lance frowned. “Is he serious? Want me to answer it?”

  “I’ll answer,” Kendra said. She clicked the phone on. “This is Kendra Alexander.”

  “I heard—or should I say, saw,” Derek said. “That’s what prompted the call.”

  “You saw what?” Kendra asked.

  “Cable news picked up the touching story of the woman with a terminal illness who was given a dream wedding, after her former fiancé broke up with her—a week before their planned wedding—because of her illness. You didn’t have to put me out there like that.”

  “No one gave your name.”

  “Everyone who knows us, knows,” he said. “Up until now, most assumed it was by mutual agreement because you were sick.”

  “Excuse me . . . Did you really just call, after all this time, to gripe because people know why our wedding was canceled?”

  “I’m just saying, you didn’t have to reveal that,” Derek said. “Obviously, you got over it, and quickly, since you’re already married.”

  Lance tugged on her. “Can I let the old Lance get with this dude? Just two minutes?”

  Kendra stifled a laugh. “Derek,” she said, “I shared that on my blog, and I want you to know why. When you broke up with me, I thought it was the end of the world. But I discovered that God had a different plan for me. He saved me, and He showed me His love through Lance.” She didn’t know why she was telling Derek all this, but maybe there was a reason. “I wanted people to know that no matter what life throws at you, there’s hope in Jesus.

  “Basically, you became my testimony. And if you still don’t understand, that’s okay.” She sat up straighter. “But let me say this—this will be the last time we talk. Take my number out of your phone, and I’m blocking yours.”

  Lance tugged again. “Tell him I said hi.”

  Kendra swatted him.

  “So you’re saying I might never talk to you again?” Derek asked.

  “That’s exactly what I’m saying. Bye, Derek.”

  “He didn’t even ask how I’m doing.” She hung up, marveling at that, then looked at Lance. “Thanks to Derek, I feel good about my marriage again.”

  Lance gave her a look.

  “You know what I mean. I was a little depressed about what we don’t have because of the illness.” She let the new thought settle. “But wow, what if we had those things, but not the things we do have, the things that make up the soul of our marriage?”

  “I thought that’s what I was trying to tell you,” Lance said.

  “Maybe. But I had to get it for myself.” Kendra eyed her tray. “My oatmeal is cold.”

  “Whose fault is that?”

  Kendra turned on her best puppy-dog eyes.

  Lance grabbed the bowl. “Be right back.”

  She called after him, “Did you know I love you more today than I did on our wedding day?”

  “Yeah, yeah,” he called back.

  Kendra took another piece of banana from the tray. Right now, she couldn’t take the thought of being in a chemo chair in two hours and suffering the effects over the next two weeks. But she was learning to savor moments. And she would savor this moment, the time she had this morning with her soul mate.

  CHAPTER SIXTY

  IT WAS ALMOST A MANTRA WITH LANCE—NO SPECULATING. NO anguish over horrible things that exist only in the mind. But he was guilty of it himself this week, plagued by thoughts that Kendra’s CT scans and MRI would reveal terrible news . . . that her cancer had not only not improved, but gotten worse.

  The bad part was it looked like he wouldn’t be able to make it to the appointment with Dr. Contee to hear the news himself. Due to a scheduling conflict, the doctor had to move it up an hour, to ten o’clock. It worked for Kendra, but Lance had had a photo shoot for nine scheduled weeks before. Kendra assured him it was fine. She’d get the results alone. But this was important to him. He wanted to be there.

  And he’d be on his way if the Rickshaw family hadn’t decided at the last minute to include their dog in the shoot. Every year, they were one of the first to book their Christmas photo shoot, and every year they asked if they could include the family dog.

  “I don’t do pets,” Lance always said, readily offering info for a great photographer who did. For whatever reason, they’d stuck with him. But this year, they’d shown up anyway—with the dog. This really wasn’t the day to try his patience.

  “Bunny,” Mrs. Rickshaw sang, coaxing with a toy, “be a good girl and cooperate.”

  Bunny had decided she’d much prefer to exercise her legs in the open space and run to and fro. Lance had gotten plenty of candid shots of the family playing with the dog, but Mrs. Rickshaw was bent on having everyone, including the Wheaten terrier, pose portrait style.

  “Jacob, you try,” Mrs. Rickshaw said.

  The four-year-old patted his legs. “Bunny, come. Come on, girl. Come on, girl.”

  It was a game now. The more they called, the more Bunny darted this way and that.

  “I don’t know what’s going on with her,” Mrs. Rickshaw said. “She never does this.”

  Lance checked his watch. Nine forty-five. They’d probably be done by now if they’d left Bunny home.

  “Honey,” Mr. Rickshaw said, “we may have to put Bunny in the car and take the portrait without her.”

  Lance turned a hopeful glance toward Mrs. Rickshaw.

  “She won’t play like this forever,” Mrs. Rickshaw said. “She’ll calm down shortly.”

  “Can’t you put her on a leash?” Lance asked.

  “But that’ll take away the feel that she’s part of the family,” Mrs. Rickshaw said. “I don’t want her to look like an animal.”

  Lance sighed to himself. “How about we put her on a leash and position her in the photo in such a way that it doesn’t look like she’s on a leash. In fact, if any port
ion of the leash shows up, I can erase it when I edit the photos.”

  Mrs. Rickshaw’s eyes lit up. “I didn’t think of that. That’s perfect.”

  They got Bunny on the leash and took several family shots in different poses. And Lance jumped in the car and headed to Dr. Contee’s office. Kendra was still there when he texted, and he was only ten minutes away. If he could hear a quick synopsis from the doctor, he’d take it.

  But by the time he found parking and took the elevator to her office, Kendra was walking out of the office suite.

  Lance groaned. “I can’t believe my morning got hijacked by a terrier named Bunny, and I missed the meeting.” He searched her face for clues. “Well . . . what did Dr. Contee say?”

  “The surgeon was there too.” Kendra moved to the side of the hall. “That’s one of the reasons why the appointment time changed, so he could be there. And they’d spoken with the radiologist as well.”

  He couldn’t read her.

  “The cancer is still in several spots in my breast,” Kendra said. “There’s some enhancement in the breast, lymph node enlargement. But there’s no indication that the cancer is bigger or worse, and it’s away from the chest wall. So it’s operable.”

  “That’s what we wanted to hear, right?”

  Kendra nodded. “And they also said”—she looked confused, like it didn’t make sense—“that they don’t see evidence of cancer in my neck.”

  Lance pulled her closer. “Say that again.”

  “They used that term ‘NED’—no evidence of disease—regarding the cancer in my neck, because of the chemo.”

  Lance wanted to pick her up and twirl her around. “Sweetheart, that’s an answer to prayer! No evidence of cancer in your neck, plus your breast is operable, so that cancer will be removed.” He paused. “Why aren’t you more excited?”