I thought that I didn't care about my father. I thought that who he was didn't matter to me, but after my angry reaction to his phone call, it seemed I was living in denial yet again. It was beginning to be the story of my entire life, since this particular delusion had been a lifelong one. Now I was angry with myself again. Was I even capable of living in reality?
I stared at my sister's text for a long moment as I considered replying. No matter how angry I was with Diana, she was still my only sister. Granted, I'd never felt betrayed by her like this before, but nevertheless, I still needed to talk to her.
I'll be there. I hit send, not willing to go into it more right now. We'd see how it went when I saw her in person. She could be stubborn and so could I. I wouldn't except anything less than a sincere apology.
I spent the rest of my shift checking my phone incessantly for a text or call from Natalie. I wanted to talk to her and to tell her that I was going to see Diana. I wanted to tell her that I was afraid that things between my sister and me would never be the same. However, Natalie seemed to be pulling away from me and confiding anything to her seemed like a recipe for heartbreak if things were coming to an end like I suspected they were.
I drove to my sister's house after work with a heavy heart. Natalie never called me back after lunch, and I couldn't bring myself to text her again. I hoped that she was just busy, but I suspected that she was ignoring me. I left her a voice mail before I left work, telling her I was going to stop by her apartment to check on her. I hoped that I was welcome when I showed up.
When I rang my sister's doorbell, she answered the door almost immediately. She smiled wanly at me and invited me in. The house was quiet as I followed her into the kitchen.
"Where are Tony and the boys?" I asked as Diana grabbed a soda out of the fridge and handed it to me.
"Tony took them to a movie," she answered as she got a bottle of water for herself. The underlying tension between us was disconcerting to me. I'd never had this with my sister before. I felt lost, and I didn't know what to say to her. I decided that talking about Maria was a safe bet.
"Is Maria doing well?" I asked as I followed her to the kitchen table where we both sat down.
"Growing like weed," Diana's smile was genuine now. "She's such a good baby, and a lot easier than either of her brothers."
"She's probably saving her insanity for her teenage years."
"Yeah, it'll be payback for all the times that Mom said she didn't like my tone."
I smiled. Mom and Diana went through a rough patch when we were fifteen. It was chaos in our home for a while there, and I was glad when the two of them eventually figured it out.
"Maria has been sleeping through almost every night already," Diana said with a warm smile. "I keep getting up to check on her, but she's always sound asleep when I do. The boys were both up carrying on constantly from day one when they were babies."
All this talk of babies, made me realize that I needed to tell Diana about Natalie's pregnancy. I needed to tell Mom and Baba too. A dejected feeling came over me as I wondered about my uncertain future with Natalie right now. No matter what I did for her, it wasn't making her happy. A heavy sorrow fell on me, and I felt weighted down and smothered by it. Under normal circumstances, I would have shared this with my sister, but things weren't right between us.
"I'm..." my sister began with a pained expression. "I'm sorry that I didn't warn you before Dad called you."
I ground my teeth together as anger spiked inside me. That was her apology? That was the best she could do? That's what she thought I was angry about?
"I don't know why he didn't wait to call you like I asked him to." She shook her head in annoyance. "I didn't want it to go down the way it did."
I placed my elbows on the table and clasped my hands together in front of my face. I closed my eyes and fought to control my growing temper. Did she not get it at all? The tension in the room thickened as I pressed my lips together in a grim line as I held my tongue. I wanted to lash out and say things that I knew I would regret. A long uncomfortable moment passed in silence.
David?" Diana finally asked with a worried, perplexed expression. My temper snapped at how clueless she was about this.
"Why?" I snarled out as I leveled a glare at her. "Why did you do this without asking me first? I'm your fucking brother, for God's sake. Why did you go behind my back? Didn't I deserve a say in this?"
Her eyes turned hard. "We both know you would have said no." Her tone was defensive.
"Damn straight I would have said no." I shook my head in disbelief. "Why the hell would I want anything to do with that asshole? He left us and never looked back."
"That was a long time ago, David," she snapped back angrily. "People change. Don't you want to know why he left? Don't you want to know where we came from?"
I slammed my palm down on the table and stood abruptly. "I fucking know where I came from! And talking to our fucked-up failure of a father isn't going to make a damn fucking difference now! Nothing he could say can make up for the thirty years he's been gone or the fucked-up failure of a man it's made me!"
Diana stared at me in slack jawed shock. I stared at her, in shock at what I'd just said myself. The deep truth of my words burned inside me like acid. I could feel myself trembling, and I clenched my fists to control the shaking as the sound of Maria wailing over the baby monitor broke the deafening silence.
Diana surged to her feet at the sound of Maria's crying. Deep concern filled her eyes as she looked at me. She glanced at the baby monitor then back to me, clearly torn between my fucked-up revelation and her crying daughter.
"I...I'll be right back, David," she said in a subdued tone. "Let me get Maria, and I'll be right back." She gave me one more worried glance before she left the room. As soon as she was gone, I headed for the front door. I needed to get the hell out of here. I couldn't be here anymore.
I slammed the front door hard as I stalked out of the house. I felt my world crashing down around me. I didn't even know where what I had said came from, but the sheer truth of it was undeniable. How the hell did I expect to be a good father and husband to anyone, when I didn't even know what it meant to be either? I felt like a failure, and my baby hadn't even been born yet. What the hell did I know about being a father? I'd never had one. No wonder everything with Paige fell apart. No wonder my relationship with Natalie was failing right before my eyes. I obviously wasn't capable of a successful relationship with anyone.
I got into my car and slammed the door shut, then just sat there staring unseeing at the steering wheel. I glanced up when I heard my name being called out. I looked toward the house to see my sister in the doorway of her front door, holding Maria in her arms. I was grateful that it was much too cold for her to carry the baby out here after me. Diana looked distraught and had sincere regret on her face. She called my name again, begging me to come back into the house, but I ignored her. I didn't have it in me to talk to anyone right now. I started the car and drove away, having no idea where I was going or what I was going to do, because neither mattered.
***********
Somehow, I ended up at Natalie's apartment an hour later. Her car was in the parking garage, and I parked next to it. I wasn't sure what I was doing here. I needed her desperately right now, but our relationship was strained, and I didn't even know if she wanted to see me. My phone started ringing. I saw Diana's name on the screen again and ignored it. She had called me half a dozen times while I was driving around in a daze. I didn't answer any of them.
I got out of the car, made my way to the elevator, and up to Natalie's floor. I stopped in front of her door and hesitated. Maybe I should just go home instead. If she rejected me again today, I didn't know if I could take it. However, my deep emotional need for her was stronger than my good sense right now. I knocked softly on the door and held my breath.
The door opened a moment later, and Natalie answered with a genuine smile, but I could tell that she had been crying ag
ain. Wordlessly, I stepped into her apartment and went to her. I pulled her into my arms and held her tightly against myself. She wrapped her arms around my neck and buried her face into my shoulder, clutching onto me as desperately as I was holding onto her. She smelled so good, felt so good. I didn't ever want to let her go.
"What's wrong, my love?" she whispered. She called me "my love". Maybe she did still want me. I certainly hoped so, but I was still too afraid to ask. I didn't want it to end yet. I wasn't going to hasten it. I'd wait until she ended it herself.
"I just came from Diana's house." My voice was rough and emotional as I spoke. I was so messed up right now.
She lifted her head and met my eyes. "I take it that it didn't go well."
I shook my head in reply as I looked at her. Her makeup had run from her eyes, and she looked tired and sad. My chest ached since I was the cause of it.
"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked as she caressed gentle fingertips through my beard, and looked back and forth between my eyes.
"I don't want to talk right now," I whispered as my gaze fell to her lips. A deep need came over me. I suddenly wanted her so badly, and it was an emotional as much as a physical need. I felt disconnected from her, and I was desperate to get it back the only way I knew how right now. I grabbed the sides of her head and crushed my lips against hers. She tasted like heaven, like perfection, and I would never get enough of this woman. When she was gone, I would never feel this way again.
I fed on her with an urgent intensity that had her mewling and whining in desperation almost immediately. The kiss was practically painful as I used my lips, tongue, and teeth to show her how I felt, how much I needed her and couldn't live without her. I hoped to God that she understood that I was begging her to stay with me, and not to leave me since I didn't dare to voice those things.
I pulled her hair tie out and ran my fingers through her thick soft hair. I was trying to savor her since every time could be our last now. Any thought of dominance or control was gone. I just wanted to feel her and give her pleasure, to make her sadness go away. I wanted to make her happy.
I scooped her up in my arms and carried her to her room as she clung to me. I laid her on her bed and took her clothes off, then removed mine. I climbed onto the bed, but instead of laying on top of her, I laid on my back and pulled her on top of me, so she was straddling my hips. Her eyes were startled as she looked down at me. I'd never done anything like this with her before. I'd always been in control, always dominated our intimacy, but right now I didn't want any of that. I just wanted her.
I grabbed her hips and ground her sex against the underside of cock. She was already so wet as her pussy slid against me. I reached between us and slid my thumb through her folds, making her gasp. I found her clit and stimulated it with firm circles until she started undulating against me. I watched her face slacken with pleasure, and her eyes become soft and unfocused. Her back arched when her release hit her, giving me a perfect view of her breasts as her chest heaved with stuttering breaths. A low moan rose from her body as her fingernails dug into my chest.
"Please, Natalie," I breathed out as her orgasm waned. "Ride me. Fuck me. Please." My body was shaking uncontrollably, and I felt like I couldn't catch my breath as my desire threatened to consume me. I was so aroused now that pre-cum wept from my cock onto my abdomen.
Another startled expression hit her eyes as she nodded and lifted her hips. She grabbed my erection firmly in her warm hand, and I gasped as she rubbed my head through her wet folds. Then she was sliding down onto me. She was so tight and so warm as our bodies came together. I closed my eyes and took several deep shuddering breaths as she engulfed all of me. This was where I belonged, couldn't she see that, feel that? Our bodies were made for each other, just like our hearts. A sudden urge to weep hit me, and I fought it down. I would give in to the despair later, when I was alone.
Natalie started to move on top of me, the slow undulating movements of her body mesmerizing me, my moment of weakness quickly forgotten. I put my hands on her hips again, but let her move of her own accord. I just wanted to feel her hips moving against mine as she fucked me. She threw her head back and surrendered to our pleasure as her pace quickened.
Her breasts started to bounce perfectly, and I lifted my hands and palmed them. She laid her hands over mine, and we moved together as I began thrusting my hips up to meet hers. She looked so damn gorgeous as she moved above me. Why hadn't I ever let her do this before?
She suddenly started spasming around my cock as another orgasm hit her hard. A long wail flew out of her mouth, her body convulsing above me, her hands clasping desperately to mine where they still held her breasts. Hard pulsing waves contracted repeatedly around my cock deep inside her, and it was too much. A scorching mind-blowing orgasm hit me out of no where, long jets of semen exploding out of me into Natalie as I shouted out in pleasure. Natalie screamed as she came once more, then collapsed forward onto my chest as our release faded into a blissful post-orgasmic buzz. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and held her tight, marveling again at how our bodies fit together. How could she want to let this go?
Our ragged breaths synchronized automatically as we cooled down from our love making, as did our rapid heartbeats. Why couldn't our relationship be this effortless? Why couldn't it be like it was in the beginning? Where did I go wrong? I knew the answer. It was the same thing that made Paige leave me. For the first time, I regretted getting Natalie pregnant. Why would anyone want a clueless, fatherless man to be the father of their child? My chest began to ache again, and it was all I could do to push down the tears that threatened to spill out of my eyes.
"I love you, David," Natalie whispered into my neck, where her face was still buried.
Did she? I wanted to believe her, needed to, even if I was starting to think that love alone wasn't going to be enough for her to want to stay with me. What else did I have to offer her?
"I love you too, sweetheart," I answered her softly as I held her even tighter. It was all that I could give her, all I had to offer.
Please, let it be enough.
***********
I was half asleep when I heard my phone start ringing. Natalie was out cold and curled up against my side. She fell asleep almost immediately after we had sex. She needed the sleep, and I didn't want to wake her, so I got off the bed and hurriedly found my phone in my pants. It was Diana again. I answered it this time. She was probably worried sick about me after the way I took off from her house several hours ago, and ignored all her calls since.
"Hi," I said sheepishly as I walked out of Natalie's room with my pants in my hand. I shot a quick glance at her sleeping form to see that I hadn't disturbed her before she disappeared from sight.
"Oh thank God," my sister blurted out immediately. "Where are you? Are you okay?"
"I'm at Natalie's place and I'm fine," I answered quietly as I slipped my pants on next to Natalie's dining table. I knew my voice sounded much too nonchalant, considering how I left things between us.
"You're fine?" she asked in irritation. "You drop a bomb like that on me, then run out like an asshole, and say you're fine?"
"Alright, I'm not fine," I grumbled out as I dropped down onto Natalie's red leather sofa. The damn leather was cold on my bare back adding to my irritation. "I'm pissed as hell. Are you happy now?"
"David," she said in a worried tone. "I'm not happy that I pissed you off. I'm sorry I hurt you. I didn't know you felt this strongly about our father. If I had known, I wouldn't have contacted him without asking you. I didn't think you cared about him at all."
"I don't," I snapped out angrily.
I heard Diana's very audible sigh. "You could have fooled me," she mumbled under her breath.
"It doesn't change the fact that I have no desire to meet the man." I tried to rein in my temper, but it wasn't working. "What you did was fucked up, Diana." My voice dropped an octave as my anger strengthened. There was a long moment of silence before she s
poke again.
"I'm sorry, David," she said in a sincere subdued tone. "I really am. I made a mistake. I'm so sorry."
I leaned forward and covered my face with my free hand, my elbow resting on my knee. My anger waned a little, even though I didn't want it to. I knew she was genuinely sorry, but I wasn't ready to accept it yet.
"David?" Diana asked when the silence dragged on too long.
Suddenly, the notification for another phone call sounded over the line. I glanced at the screen to see Sydney's name. I didn't really want to take this phone call either, but it was preferable to the one I was having with my sister right now.
"I have to go," I told Diana. "I need some time. I'll call you in a few days."
"Okay." She sounded hurt and I felt bad about that, but I was still too hurt and angry about this. I didn't want to say something I regretted again. "Bye."
"Bye, Diana."
I ended the call and answered Syd's.
"Hi, Syd. What's up?" I said in a happy tone that sounded fake even to me. She didn't buy it at all.
"That was the worse acting I have ever heard," she said with amusement.
"I didn't think it was that bad," I answered smoothly, trying to keep the conversation light. I should have known it wouldn't work.
"It was." Her voice was serious now. "What's going on? Are you upset about your sister and your dad?"
"How did you know about that?" I asked in surprise.
"Natalie told me about it on Saturday."
"Oh," I answered softly.
"She's worried about you."
"I literally was just talking to Diana when you called," I said to distract Syd from the subject of Natalie. I didn't want to talk about my crumbling relationship.
"Is everything okay with your sister now?" Syd asked with concern. She knew how close I was to my sister.
You Are My Life: Breathless Book 3 Page 12
