"I really don't know, Syd," I said with a sigh. "I've never been this angry with her about anything before. She blindsided me and kept this from me. I feel betrayed, and I'm afraid our relationship will never be right after this. I don't know what to do."
"Seriously?" she asked incredulously. "You two have never had a huge blow up before?"
"Nothing like this."
"I guess it's different between two sisters," Syd said with a laugh. "The more estrogen there is, the more drama there is."
"How do you and Lauren deal with this kind of thing?"
"Well, when I was first dating Jensen, she wasn't very supportive about the whole thing. Especially after he broke up with me. She was angry at him for breaking my heart, since she had to try to pick up the pieces. She was even more upset when we got back together."
"I still wish you had called me when that happened," I said with regret. "I could have helped you."
"I know," she said softly. "I should have, but you were so far away in the Ukraine, and I knew you were busy and stressed out with what you were dealing with over there. I didn't want to bother you with my problems. It all worked out the way it was meant to be."
"I suppose it did," I said with a wan smile, thinking about Natalie and how she was slipping away from me. Maybe she and I weren't meant to be like I had thought. Sorrow fell on me again, and I lapsed into silence as I fought the urge to confess everything to Syd. I didn't want to talk about it. That would make it too real.
"Anyway," she continued, oblivious to my heartache, "we talked and slowly worked it out. She was just looking out for me like a good sister does. It took some time, but once she realized that Jensen really loved me, she understood and accepted him."
"Diana apologized, but I told her I needed some time to think. I'm just still so hurt and angry. I don't want to say something that I'll regret."
"That's probably a good idea," Syd agreed. "Just try to see where she's coming from. Can you blame her for being curious about who your father is? Aren't you?"
"To be honest, I've never given the guy much thought until now."
"How did you feel when he called?"
"Pissed off, blindsided, and betrayed," I grumbled out. "I just don't understand why she would want to talk to the man who abandoned us."
"Sounds like you've been carrying around a lot of anger that you didn't even know about."
"Apparently, I've turned denial into an art form, Sydney." I sighed in disgust with myself. "I thought the shit with Paige was bad enough. At least, I realized I was in denial about that most of the time."
"You're going to be okay, David," she said in a reassuring tone. "Everything will work out with your sister. You guys love each other, and love conquers all."
I didn't have the heart to disagree with her. Sometimes love just wasn't enough. Some things never worked out the way you wanted. Look what happened with Paige. Look what was happening with Natalie. I felt lost and adrift, but didn't dare to speak of it to anyone. I didn't want to hear the mollifying platitudes that were meaningless. Nothing was going to change the truth.
"Is everything okay with Natalie?" It was like she was reading my mind.
"She's really tired and having a lot of nausea. The first trimester is being pretty rough on her."
Syd sighed audibly. "That's not what I meant. Something is not right with you two. I could see it on Saturday."
"This pregnancy has thrown both of us off. We're just having a hard time adjusting to it, but we'll be fine." I was combining denial and lies together now. I was one hell of a best friend. Add it to my growing list of failures as a man.
"David," she said dubiously.
"I have to go," I told her, ignoring her concern. "I need to get Natalie something to eat for dinner." There was a long moment of silence. Please let this go, Syd. Please.
"Alright," she finally said in a dejected tone. She knew I was hiding something. "Are you coming over for dinner on Wednesday night?"
"I'm sorry, Syd. I can't this week. I've got a lot going on." I gave her yet another lie. I didn't want to face her in person. She would see right through my bullshit, and Jensen would probably call me out on it. I didn't have the energy to deal with it.
"Okay." There was real pain in her voice now, and guilt crashed into me.
"Bye, Syd." I forced my voice to sound normal.
"Bye." Then she was gone.
I sat staring at the phone in my hand until my vision blurred, and the tears that I had denied myself earlier finally fell against my will. My life was falling apart, and I was helpless to stop it. No one could help me. The outcome was inevitable.
Crash and burn, Mazur. Crash and burn.
Chapter Seven
Natalie
I stood in the doorway of the break room mid-morning on Tuesday looking at Maggie's back as she stood in front of the coffee maker. Between the long holiday weekend and our heavy workload yesterday, we hadn't really talked since I pissed her off a week ago. When Maggie got pissed, it usually took her a while to settle down. I gave her the space she needed, waiting for her to make the first move, but I was a wreck right now, and I needed her desperately.
"Maggie?" I said in a quiet fragile voice as I walked into the room. I stood wringing my hands, waiting for her reaction. She turned with a look of annoyance, until she saw my face. Concern filled her eyes as she set her mug down. She crossed the room in a heartbeat and pulled me into her arms. Then I was crying, again. It seemed like that was all I did lately.
"Nat, are you going to tell me what's eating at you?" she whispered softly as she led me over to the nearby table and sat me in a chair. She sat next to me and grabbed my hands. Her eyes held my gaze firmly. "You're a mess. What's going on?"
"I'm terrified, Maggie," I started babbling hysterically. "I don't know the first thing about babies or relationships. I keep hurting David without meaning to, and he's pulling away from me. I don't think I can be what he needs in this relationship. The only things I know about being a Mom, I learned from my over-dramatic lunatic mother. I'm going to be a horrible mother, and I think he knows that now. I think he's going to leave me. How am I going to raise a baby on my own? What am I going to do?"
"Shh, calm down, honey." She grabbed a napkin that was lying on the table and started dabbing at my face with it. I continued snuffling and sobbing while she fussed over me.
"I...I'm sorry I p...pissed you off last week," I blurted out between sobs, hiccuping and practically hyperventilating.
"I'm not mad. It's okay." Maggie leaned forward and hugged me again, holding me tightly while I lost it for a while. When I finally calmed down, Maggie grabbed my shoulders and met my eyes. "Have you talked to David? Does he know about all this? Because I have a hard time believing he would do that to you."
"No," I said thickly as I took the napkin and wiped at my eyes gently. I thought about last night and how David had made love to me like it was our last time. He didn't take control at all. It had freaked me out when he pulled me on top of himself and begged me to fuck him. It felt like he was giving up on us, on me. He even looked like he was about to cry at one point. I'd never seen him so fragile before. It was terrifying, and I was afraid to ask what was wrong for fear of the answer he would give me.
We spent the rest of the evening together with an uncomfortable tension between us. We only talked about inconsequential things until we went to bed early. David took off just after five this morning and said very little when he left my apartment. The only communication I had gotten since, was a text when I got up at seven, reminding me to take my vitamin with plenty of water. Just more proof that he didn't think I was capable of caring for my unborn baby without being constantly reminded. I felt like a failure.
"Honey," Maggie said softly. "You need to talk to him."
"I know." I sobbed again. "But I'm scared. I don't want him to leave me when he realizes how fucked-up I am about this baby."
Maggie looked perplexed. "Nat, listen to yourself. You thi
nk he's going to leave you, but you're afraid to tell him because he might leave you? You're not making any sense, you know that right?"
"See?" I blurted out as I threw my hands up. "I am crazy, just like Mom." I started sobbing again, then ended up coughing uncontrollably when some of my own saliva went down the wrong pipe.
Maggie let out an exasperated sigh, then rose and got me a bottle of water out of the fridge. She twisted it open and put it in my hands. "Drink some water and try to calm down, okay? Good Lord, I guess they weren't kidding about the crazy pregnancy hormones."
"I'm sorry..." I forced out before taking a small sip of my water.
"Enough with the apologies," she said irritably. "I'm not mad at you anymore."
Maggie suddenly looked over my shoulder expectantly.
"Hey, Maggie," Jessica, our office manager was peeking in the doorway. "I've got that conference call ready for you in your office." She shot a worried look at me, but didn't say anything about it.
"Alright," Maggie nodded at her. "I'll be there in a moment." She met my eyes again. Her brow was furrowed with concern. "I have to take this call, Nat. Will you be okay?"
"I'll...I'll be fine," I lied. "I've got a lot of work to keep me busy." However, I wasn't anywhere near fine. I felt so lost and alone. My world was falling apart, and I didn't know what to do. No amount of work was going to keep me from worrying about my crumbling relationship with David or my pregnancy.
"Okay." Maggie placed a gentle hand on my cheek as a deep worried frown spread across her lips. "I'll come check on you later."
I nodded my reply. Maggie gave me a wan smile before kissing my cheek and leaving the room. I sat there for a few moments, wiping my eyes and waiting for my nausea to pass, but it didn't get any better. I gave up and stood to go back to my office. Suddenly, the world spun on its axis, and I grabbed the back of my chair to keep myself upright. I widened my eyes and gulped down a few breaths until my equilibrium evened out. What the hell? I was so sick of feeling nauseous and not like myself.
Halfway down the hall to my office, my stomach churned, and I had to run into the bathroom. I ended up on my knees in my slacks, barfing my guts out yet again. When would this horrible nausea go away? Luckily, our bathroom was a single toilet, so I didn't have to worry about anyone walking in and hearing me get sick.
When I was finally done heaving my guts out, I went to the sink and looked in the mirror. My face was pale, my eye makeup long gone. The dark circles under my eyes were deep, and my eyes were blood shot. I looked like shit. I wet a paper towel with cool water and pressed it to my face for a moment. I wiped off the little bit of makeup still around my eyes, and I looked a little better. I sighed, wishing that I had called in today, but I had a huge project due this week, and I'd be lucky to go home before seven tonight.
I made it back to my office just as a text message chirped on my phone. I sat at my desk and picked up my phone. It was from David, and a sad lonely feeling came over me. I missed him. He hadn't been himself in days, and I wished we could go back to before finding out about the baby, when everything seemed simple and easy with him.
You should eat a snack now, sweetheart.
I felt tears sting my eyes again. He didn't even ask if I was okay. I fought the urge to text him back with a sarcastic "yes, sir".
Okay. I went with the same short answers as yesterday, not wanting to make things worse by being a petty bitch. I thought about getting a snack, but my stomach was still pretty queasy. I didn't even want the bottle of water that Maggie gave me. I'd wait until lunch and see if I felt better.
My phone chirped again. I love you.
Tears filled my eyes again.
I love you too. I sent my reply with shaking hands, then slumped my head down on my forearms and wept quietly for a long time, my stomach in knots from more than just the morning sickness. Did he love me enough to stay with me? I hoped so, because I couldn't imagine anyone wanting to start a family with a screwed-up basket-case like me.
***********
It was just past seven when I finally got home from work. I shuffled into my apartment, feeling so very tired, physically and emotionally. I put my purse and coat on the dining table then went to my couch and dropped down onto it with a deep sigh. The apartment was so quiet, and I felt a pang of sadness because George wasn't here to cheer me up. He was staying with David now, because I wasn't able to clean his litter box during my pregnancy. I had a sudden urge to leave and go over to David's house. I didn't want to be alone, but our relationship seemed to be falling apart, and I didn't want to face it.
This morning, I was shocked when he told me that he thought I was moving in with him, and I ended up hurting him when I told him I couldn't do that. It was much too soon. Couldn't he see that? I needed more time. I tried to get him to talk about it, but he shut me out completely and things weren't right between us since. He must be realizing that I wasn't capable of giving him what he needed, even if I was carrying his baby. Even if I did love him with all my heart. Apparently, it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough.
Tears started dripping off my nose and chin onto my hands where they rested on my belly. With a shuddering breath, I rolled onto my side and curled into a ball of pain and loneliness. I wept silently until I drifted off to sleep.
I startled awake to the sound of my phone ringing and jerked upright. The room spun around disconcertingly for a moment, and I had to grip the couch cushion for a moment to get my equilibrium back. Then I hurried over to the table and pulled my phone out of my bag. It was David calling. I sighed. I told him in a text that I would call him when I made it home safe. I forgot and fell asleep.
"Hi," I said sheepishly after answering the call. "I fell asleep and forgot to call you. I'm sorry."
"That's okay, sweetheart," he answered, but I got the impression that it was anything but, by the slight irritation in his tone. "Did you eat dinner?"
I stifled the harsh sigh I wanted to let out. The nagging was getting old. He texted me frequently this afternoon and evening to tell me when to eat or to drink some more water. I was half tempted to ask him if he'd like to get me a high chair and bib, so he could feed me his damn self. Obviously, I couldn't be trusted to do it myself.
"I told you that I was asleep," I answered tersely. "I haven't had a chance yet."
"Well, at least you ate a good lunch." He ignored my irritation, which irked me, but then I felt guilty because I lied earlier today about lunch. I told him that I had a big lunch, so he would stop nagging me about it. All I had really managed to eat were a few crackers and a bit of soup, before my stomach decided that it was done eating. My morning sickness was turning into all day sickness. I wasn't even hungry right now, and I should have been.
"Are you feeling alright?" he asked me. Here was my chance to tell him about my fears and insecurities like Maggie and my brother told me to, but what if I was right about him wanting to leave me. Terror spiked inside me as he continued speaking. "Is your nausea any better today?"
"I'm still pretty queasy, but I'm okay," I said pathetically as I chickened out. I didn't want to find out over the phone that he didn't want me anymore.
"Do you want me to come over and see you?"
I wanted him to. I really did, but I didn't think I could take anymore of his smothering today. All the texts from him this afternoon were enough for one day. I was afraid that I'd lose my temper with him, and I didn't want to hurt him.
"I'm just going to eat something and go straight to bed so what would be the point," I said, feeling sad and alone.
"Alright," he said in subdued tone, and I realized that I had hurt him anyway by telling him not to come over. He continued talking before I could apologize. "I'll let you go then. I love you." His voice was small and dejected.
"I love you too," I replied trying to convey my sincerity. "You can come over tomorrow." I added hastily when he didn't say anything else, but he had already ended the call. I lowered the phone from my ear and stared at it in despair.
Why did I keep screwing everything up? I put my phone down on the table with a sigh and went into the kitchen. I opened the fridge, and my stomach turned at just the thought of eating.
"Fuck it," I grumbled and slammed the door shut so I didn't have to look at its contents anymore. I looked at the wall clock and saw that it was past nine already. I decided just to go to bed. I went to my room, undressed, and crawled into bed without even washing my face. I didn't care. I just wanted this horrible day to end.
***********
I woke up with a jolt, knowing something was wrong. The light coming in through my bedroom window wasn't right and when I glanced at my wall clock, I realized why. I'd completely overslept. I left my phone in the kitchen and never set the alarm on it. Its battery was probably dead by now anyway.
"Shit," I blurted and leapt out of bed, staggering through vertigo and latching onto the door frame to stay upright. I guess skipping dinner last night was a bad idea. I took a quick shower, threw my hair in a ponytail and hurriedly dressed, trying to ignore the usual nausea. I was ready and out the door in half the time it usually took. Halfway to work I realized that I had forgotten my phone. It was still on the dining table where I left it last night. Oh well, I couldn't go back now, or I'd really be late. I also forgot to eat breakfast, but I could grab something to eat at work later.
Amazingly, I was only twenty minutes late and no one really even noticed. I was going through my emails when my desk phone rang. I recognized my mother's number on the caller ID. Crap. I forgot to call her this week to set up a lunch date with her. I guess I was a shitty daughter now, too.
"Hi, Mom," I greeted her warmly, trying to make up for blowing her off.
"Oh thank God," she blurted out in a frantic voice. "I've been trying your cell phone all morning. I was worried sick about you."
"I forgot to plug my phone in last night, and then left it at home this morning. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you, and I'm sorry I didn't call you yesterday. It was a long busy day, and I worked late," I said in a placating tone, hoping to calm her down before she got too carried away. "Can you have lunch today?"
You Are My Life: Breathless Book 3 Page 13
