The Rennillia Series: Volumes 1-5

by M. Sembera

We spent the next hour picking out sheets and paint for my room.

  Then Em sent me into a panic attack when he said, “After Hert moves his stuff in, I am going to go visit my parents. I will be gone about eight days. I will be back in plenty of time and I won’t miss your doctor’s appointment. Ren? Hello? Are you listening?”

  I was speechless. How could Em expect me to be alone here with Hert?

  “Yea, I heard you. Are you insane?” I asked, still in shock.

  “You will be just fine. Hert will be here if you need anything and Jackson will stop in and make sure you have haven’t flipped out and killed him,” he assured with a laugh.

  I stared at him, not amused, stating, “Oh ha-ha you’re so funny!”

  He gave me an odd look before sharing, “They said to tell you they are really happy for you and Hert by the way. They are sending you and the baby some gifts.”

  Surprised, I shouted, “Wait! What?”

  Explaining, Emerson said, “My father called earlier and I tried the story out on him, it worked and my mother even said she always knew you two would end up together. They also said they want you to think of this as home.”

  Em was so proud of himself nodding and smiling.

  “See Ren, they thought it made perfect sense. It is going to work,” he assured.

  I told Emerson, “Thank you but Hert never said he wanted to.”

  Em shook his head and argued, “Yes he did.”

  I objected, “No, he said he would. Not that he wanted to. There is a difference Em.”

  Visibly frustrated, he stated, “No, there is not and if it were me or Jackson that would be enough. The only difference is that you want him to want too. And you are assuming you know everything and you do not.”

  Looking into his eyes, trying to figure out what I didn’t know, I said, “Every time I think he’s going to talk to me he just leaves. So what am I supposed to think?”

  My mind flashed back to Hert whispering that he wanted me. Warmth rushed over me as I recalled how it felt for his face to be so close to mine.

  “I’m sorry Em, it’s just that…well, things are complicated,” I conceded.

  Wondering how Hert would be if I weren’t pregnant, I started feeling as if that was what was stopping him each time. I already loved this little person that I didn’t even know and I was hurt that he might not love him or her too. For all I knew, my irrational attraction to him was the farthest thing from his mind.

  Smiling at Emerson, I said, “What about you? Do you have anyone special?”

  Em laughed, saying, “When would I find the time? You are like a full time job!”

  We were laughing together when he shared, “I met a girl when Jackson and I went out but I am leaving tomorrow night. Maybe I will call her when I get back.”

  Suddenly, I was sad.

  “You’re leaving tomorrow?” I sulked.

  “Yes Ren. That is why my father called. He was letting me know that he was sending the plane and it would be at the airport tomorrow evening,” looking as if he needed to reassure me he continued, “Hert will be here before I leave and he can help you put your room together while I’m gone. It is okay if you want to stay in my room. I just thought it might give you something to do while I am gone.”

  Thinking I would spend Em’s last night before he left in his room with him made me sleepy. I was determined to stop relying so much on Emerson since I would have to be the reliable one in about eight months. Preparing over the next week would be easier with Em gone. There was a time when I was strong and independent, years before HIM and I was starting to feel like me again.

  We finished ordering furniture for my new room, ate dinner and went upstairs to go to bed.

  Struck by a sudden curiosity, I rolled over and asked, “Hey do you ever wonder why nothing ever happened between us?”

  Em smiled and said, “I have thought about it, but Ren…”

  Noticing an uncomfortable look spread across his face, I laughed, “Oh my gosh Em, I didn’t mean I wanted to now, I just meant when we were younger.”

  He laughed a little too, revealing, “I thought about it a lot then. Every time you would stay over. I was really jealous when you went out with Jackson but you never seemed interested in me, in that way. I figured we were better off as friends.”

  Wrapping my arms around him, I said, “I love you Em and there is no better friend in the world.”

  He wrapped his arms around me too and said, “I love you too.”

  As we fell asleep, I was a little sad that this would most likely be the last time we had a sleepover.

  Chapter 7

  Early morning, we were all busy. Em was packing for his trip. Hert was moving boxes and furniture in with Jackson’s help. I helped Emerson because there was nothing else for me to do. While helping him, I noticed Hert’s room was right across from mine.

  Taking little peaks at Hert as he walked back and forth, carrying belongings to his room, I felt silly when Em said, “Why don’t you just pull up a chair in the hallway.”

  I figured I was being too obvious. Since we were going to be alone here together for the next week, I would have to think of a way to be more subtle.

  Sitting on Em’s bed as he zipped the last suitcase, I asked, “When are you leaving?”

  He sat down next to me, putting his arm around me as he said, “I have to leave in about an hour.”

  Pouting, I said, “Uh, I thought your plane would be in this evening.”

  Emerson gave me a little squeeze and explained, “I have some business to take care of in town before I leave.”

  Poking a little fun at him, I laughed, “Oh, that’s right. You’re kind of a big deal around here!”

  Em laughed too and said, “Ren, I really want you to try to be nice to Hert. Ok. Just try not to take things so personal. If he wants to talk let him and if he doesn’t then give him some time.”

  I gave a halfhearted, “Okay,” and said, “I’ll try.”

  We were all downstairs when Em left. Hert shook his hand, Jackson patted him on the back and I gave him a giant hug.

  After Emerson left, I looked at them and asked, “I’m going to go take a shower are ya’ll almost done?”

  Jackson answered, “Well, I’m almost done. Did you need help?”

  Shooting him a ‘knock it off’ look, I left the room and darted up the stairs.

  While taking a shower, I was determined to figure out a way to act more appropriately around Hert. I wanted to look good but not like I was trying too. So, I settled on jeans and a t-shirt. Grabbing my socks, I slowly made my way down the stairs. Wondering if maybe I should eat something, I made my way into the kitchen. It was empty too. Making myself a sandwich, I thought about Hert whispering in my ear.

  When he actually walked up beside me, I jumped and shouted, “Oh my gosh, you scared me!”

  He seemed concerned as he said, “I didn’t mean too. What were you thinking about?”

  I could feel my face turning red as I continued to fix my food, refusing to make eye contact.

  “Just daydreaming,” I answered.

  Hert stepped closer, leaned in and asked, “What the heck are you making? Is this a pregnant thing or were you always this gross?”

  Now that’s the Hert I remembered. His words seemed to ease my anxiety.

  Feeling a sense of comfort and familiarity with him, I picked up an olive stuffed it with feta and teased, “Mmm…it’s so good,” waving it in his face before popping it in my mouth.

  Making a disgusted face, he blurted, “That’s just gross Renni!”

  Tilting my head, I smiled as big as I could at him.

  Happy to have my friend back, I was determined to stop obsessing over things like ‘wants’ and ‘needs’ and just be at ease with Hert. Standing at the bar I ate my lunch, savoring every bite. Knowing he found it gross somehow made it taste even better. Delighting in his obvious dislike for my meal, I made sure to exaggerate every bite. Hert seemed more relaxed today
too. Possibly out from under Emerson’s over protective watch, we both were.

  “When is all the stuff for your room going to be here?” Hert questioned, seemingly making conversation

  . “Day after tomorrow, why?” I asked.

  “I took two weeks off. I need to get all my stuff unpacked but I can do it tomorrow. Then we can get to work on your room when the furniture arrives. Where are you sleeping tonight,” he asked.

  Giving him a strange look, I replied, “I’m probably going to sleep down here on the couch, did Jacks leave already?”

  With a sad look spreading across his face, he said, “Yea. I’m going to go shower,” and went upstairs.

  Confused, I watched him walk away, again. Maybe, Hert was expecting me to stay in his room. At this point, I didn’t know what to think. Remembering Emerson’s advice not to take things personal, I decided to be more understanding. After all, we were supposed to be in this together.

  My heart skipped a beat when I turned and saw Hert walking down the stairs. Freshly showered with his hair still damp, I was speechless. Even though he caught me staring, I couldn’t look away. His eyes held mine as he crossed the room and sat beside me on the couch. All my concerns about wants and needs were a blur. Whether he was doing what I needed and not necessarily what he wanted, I decided I was more than willing to accept his reasons and what he was offering. Completely enveloped, I was more than willing.

  With a cautious voice, he shared, “Renni, I want you to know, I want to do this,” before he reached over taking my hand in his, saying, “I don’t know how good I’ll be at it but I will promise to always do my best.”

  Wanting to cry but afraid, even one tear would send him away, I slowly leaned toward him.

  Softly, I assured, “I know you will.”

  Reaching up with my free hand, I gently touched the side of his face.

  As Hert leaned his cheek into my caress, I whispered, “I wanted you to want to.”

  Letting go of my hand, he placed both of his on the sides of my face.

  Staring into his eyes, I had never in my life wanted or needed to be kissed like I did at that moment. Hert leaned in closer, moving his hands under my chin, his nose once again brushing the side of my face, his lips at my ear.

  My heart was pounding as he gently said, “I want you…Renni…I want…”

  The urgency in his voice was suddenly too much for me as I tilted my head against his and tears started to fall.

  Hert sighed, tenderly pleading, “Please don’t cry.”

  Feeling as though he was pulling away, I blurted, “Don’t.”

  I could feel Hert place his hands on my back pressing me into him.

  Still wanting Hert and desperate for another chance, I suggested, “Don’t stop,” before whispering in his ear, “Please… Hert…don’t stop.”

  Hert held me tighter and with a soothing voice, said, “We have to Renni, this is a bad...”

  Not letting him finish, I fussed, “Why?”

  He didn’t answer. He didn’t need too. I knew how irrational I was being. It was too soon.

  Loosening my hold on him, I slowly moved away, nodding in silent agreement that a line should remain uncrossed. Still desperately wanting to be kissed, I had to turn away.

  Curling up in the blanket, I shared, “I don’t know why I’m so attracted to you.”

  Hert looked at me with a slight smile and stated, “Gee thanks.”

  Shrugging, I assured, “I didn’t mean it like that.”

  Hert reached out his hand, cautiously taking mine as he offered, “I know but Renni, I have known you my whole life and I have never seen you look at anyone the way you look at me. That’s why it’s so hard to talk to you.”

  Incredibly embarrassed now, I confessed, “At first I thought it was just the shock of seeing you after all that time. I noticed things about you that never occur to me before. Then, I was so mad because you didn’t seem the same. Today you seemed more like I remember you and I tried to look at you the way I used to but I couldn’t,” staring into his eyes, not knowing why I was still explaining, I continued, “I don’t know what to do. I can’t help the way I feel.”

  Leaning my head down, I curled up in the opposite direction from Hert.

  “How is this going to work if you can’t talk to me and I can’t control myself around you?” I questioned.

  Hert moved over me, holding himself just above me.

  His face inches from mine, made my heart race again as he softly suggested, “Renni look at me.”

  Rolling onto my back, he was directly above me. It took all the willpower I had to keep from grabbing the front of his shirt and pulling him down onto me.

  “Maybe, we just need to get used to being around each other again?” he suggested.

  Overcome, I leaned forward. As close to Hert as possible without touching him, I had a suggestion of my own.

  Staring into his eyes and using a whispery voice, I offered, “Maybe…You should kiss me.”

  For a second it worked. Hert started to lean closer, his eyes driven like mine.

  Just before I had my way, he jerked back, scolding, “Damn it Renni!” then he was on his feet, fussing, “Do you know how hard it is to say no to you? Do you?”

  Giving one last try, I offered, “Then say yes.”

  Infuriated, he yelled, “If that’s all I wanted, I would!”

  It never occurred to me his want was beyond physical. Not knowing if mine was, I suddenly missed Emerson. If Em were here, I wouldn’t be alone with only my irrational attraction to guide me. I was on my own here.

  “Will you please sit down?” I asked before assuring, “Please we need to talk.”

  With hesitation, he sat down in the chair facing me, bluntly stating, “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

  Feeling sad, I started with, “I’m sorry Hert. I wasn’t thinking. Please don’t be mad at me.”

  Hert’s eyes were softer than his voice as he responded, “I am not mad.”

  Needing more, I asked, “Then what are you?”

  Avoiding my question, he asked, “Are you scared?”

  Sidetracked, I had to admit, “Yes, I am.”

  Pulling my knees to my chest, I waited.

  Finally, he asked, “Why? This will work, we’ll get it figured out and I don’t think HE will give you any problems.”

  Looking at Hert with disbelief, I shared, “That’s not what I’m scared of. I have made a mess of my life and I don’t want to mess up anyone else’s.”

  For the first time in my life, I saw sympathy in his eyes. Moving from the chair Hert sat down right beside me.

  “Renni, you’re going to be a good mom and there’s nothing to be scared of,” he consoled.

  Something in his eyes made me believe what he was saying.

  As I yawned, he suggested, “You should get some sleep. Do you want me to stay down here with you?”

  I answered back, “You don’t have to but yes I do.”

  He half smiled and said, “I’ll be right back.”

  I watched him walk upstairs.

  Stretching out and fluffing my pillow, I wondered if my feelings were simply physical. There was no doubt, I wanted him but I wasn’t sure if there was more to it. I knew I loved Emerson. There was no reason not to. Never thinking of Hert and love together before, Em and I said 'I love you' all the time. Even Jackson had said me he loved me. Searching my mind, I couldn’t think of one time either of us had used those words with each other. I heard him coming down the stairs and thought about asking him if he loved me. Hert placed his pillow beside the couch and laid on the floor.

  Looking over the edge of the couch at him, I asked, “Why didn’t you answer me?”

  With a guilty look, he answered, “About what?”

  Determined to find out, I pressed, “You said you weren’t mad and I asked you what you were then and you didn’t answer me. So what are you?”

  He smiled a little and said, “Tired, Goodnight R
enni.”

  Letting out a frustrated sigh, I rolled over. I placed my hands across my stomach, as if to say goodnight to my little stranger, before I fell asleep.

  Chapter 8

  Barely opening my eyes, I leaned over the edge of the couch to get a glimpse of Hert. He wasn’t there. Squinting at the clock, I noticed it was ten forty three in the morning. I stretched and grabbed my pillow before heading upstairs. I could hear Hert unpacking in his room. After taking a shower and getting dressed, I felt a little productive myself and decided to move my clothes from Emerson’s closet into mine.

  Carrying them back and forth, I heard a voice shout, “Hey! What are you doing?”

  Turning, I saw Hert rush up behind me.

  “You shouldn’t be carrying that stuff give them to me!” he fussed.

  I glared at him, “I think I can carry clothes Hert.”

  Scowling, he discouraged, “I’m sure you can but not so many at a time. Okay?”

  Half smiling, I assured, “Okay, this was my last bunch anyway. I don’t think I’m exempt from anything yet. I’m just about a month along.”

  Carrying them to the bed, I tossed my clothes down with the other piles and started hanging them up.

  Following close behind me, all the way to the bed, he questioned, “Why didn’t you just wait until tomorrow?”

  Making a face at him, I explained, “Well, I didn’t want to. Besides, there will be plenty to do tomorrow,” as I continued to hang clothes in the closet, “You can go back to what you were doing now. I can handle it from here.”

  He gave me a disapproving look and walked out of my room.

  While hanging my clothes, I felt proud that I had handled myself well with Hert. Considering the last time, I was sure I could control myself until I knew exactly how I felt about him. It was crazy that I had known Hert all my life and suddenly had these feelings for him that were beyond friendship. When I was done, I stretched out on the bed and imagined where I would put my new furniture.

  After a few hours, I was extremely bored. Getting up, I walked to Hert’s room, hoping to find something to do. Watching him from the doorway for a second caused my heart to race. Recalling our conversation last night made my reaction to it manageable. Somehow, sharing my feelings with him the previous night allowed me some power over my actions.