Life And Adventures Of Martin Chuzzlewit

by Charles Dickens

  “Miss Toppit, and Miss Codger!” said Mrs Hominy.

  “Codger's the lady so often mentioned in the English newspapers I should think, sir,” whispered Mark. “The oldest inhabitant as never remembers anything.”

  “To be presented to a Pogram,” said Miss Codger, “by a Hominy, indeed, a thrilling moment is it in its impressiveness on what we call our feelings. But why we call them so, or why impressed they are, or if impressed they are at all, or if at all we are, or if there really is, oh gasping one! a Pogram or a Hominy, or any active principle to which we give those titles, is a topic, Spirit searching, light abandoned, much too vast to enter on, at this unlooked-for crisis.”

  “Mind and matter,” said the lady in the wig, “glide swift into the vortex of immensity. Howls the sublime, and softly sleeps the calm Ideal, in the whispering chambers of Imagination. To hear it, sweet it is. But then, outlaughs the stern philosopher, and saith to the Grotesque, “What ho! arrest for me that Agency. Go, bring it here!” And so the vision fadeth.”

  After this, they both took Mr Pogram by the hand, and pressed it to their lips, as a patriotic palm. That homage paid, the mother of the modern Gracchi called for chairs, and the three literary ladies went to work in earnest, to bring poor Pogram out, and make him show himself in all his brilliant colours.

  How Pogram got out of his depth instantly, and how the three L. L. “s were never in theirs, is a piece of history not worth recording. Suffice it, that being all four out of their depths, and all unable to swim, they splashed up words in all directions, and floundered about famously. On the whole, it was considered to have been the severest mental exercise ever heard in the National Hotel. Tears stood in the shrill boy's eyes several times; and the whole company observed that their heads ached with the effort—as well they might.

  When it at last became necessary to release Elijah Pogram from the corner, and the Committee saw him safely back again to the next room, they were fervent in their admiration.

  “Which,” said Mr Buffum, “must have vent, or it will bust. Toe you, Mr Pogram, I am grateful. Toe-wards you, sir, I am inspired with lofty veneration, and with deep e-mo-tion. The sentiment Toe which I would propose to give ex-pression, sir, is this: “May you ever be as firm, sir, as your marble statter! May it ever be as great a terror Toe its ene-mies as you.”

  There is some reason to suppose that it was rather terrible to its friends; being a statue of the Elevated or Goblin School, in which the Honourable Elijah Pogram was represented as in a very high wind, with his hair all standing on end, and his nostrils blown wide open. But Mr Pogram thanked his friend and countryman for the aspiration to which he had given utterance, and the Committee, after another solemn shaking of hands, retired to bed, except the Doctor; who immediately repaired to the newspaper-office, and there wrote a short poem suggested by the events of the evening, beginning with fourteen stars, and headed, “A Fragment. Suggested by witnessing the Honourable Elijah Pogram engaged in a philosophical disputation with three of Columbia's fairest daughters. By Doctor Ginery Dunkle. Of Troy.”

  If Pogram was as glad to get to bed as Martin was, he must have been well rewarded for his labours. They started off again next day (Martin and Mark previously disposing of their goods to the storekeepers of whom they had purchased them, for anything they would bring), and were fellow travellers to within a short distance of New York. When Pogram was about to leave them he grew thoughtful, and after pondering for some time, took Martin aside.

  “We air going to part, sir,” said Pogram.

  “Pray don't distress yourself,” said Martin; “we must bear it.”

  “It ain't that, sir,” returned Pogram, “not at all. But I should wish you to accept a copy of My oration.”

  “Thank you,” said Martin, “you are very good. I shall be most happy.”

  “It ain't quite that, sir, neither,” resumed Pogram; “air you bold enough to introduce a copy into your country?”

  “Certainly,” said Martin. “Why not?”

  “Its sentiments air strong, sir,” hinted Pogram, darkly.

  “That makes no difference,” said Martin. “I'll take a dozen if you like.”

  “No, sir,” retorted Pogram. “Not A dozen. That is more than I require. If you are content to run the hazard, sir, here is one for your Lord Chancellor,” producing it, “and one for Your principal Secretary of State. I should wish them to see it, sir, as expressing what my opinions air. That they may not plead ignorance at a future time. But don't get into danger, sir, on my account!”

  “There is not the least danger, I assure you,” said Martin. So he put the pamphlets in his pocket, and they parted.

  Mr Bevan had written in his letter that, at a certain time, which fell out happily just then, he would be at a certain hotel in the city, anxiously expecting to see them. To this place they repaired without a moment's delay. They had the satisfaction of finding him within; and of being received by their good friend, with his own warmth and heartiness.

  “I am truly sorry and ashamed,” said Martin, “to have begged of you. But look at us. See what we are, and judge to what we are reduced!”

  “So far from claiming to have done you any service,” returned the other, “I reproach myself with having been, unwittingly, the original cause of your misfortunes. I no more supposed you would go to Eden on such representations as you received; or, indeed, that you would do anything but be dispossessed, by the readiest means, of your idea that fortunes were so easily made here; than I thought of going to Eden myself.”

  “The fact is, I closed with the thing in a mad and sanguine manner,” said Martin, “and the less said about it the better for me. Mark, here, hadn't a voice in the matter.”

  “Well! but he hadn't a voice in any other matter, had he?” returned Mr Bevan; laughing with an air that showed his understanding of Mark and Martin too.

  “Not a very powerful one, I am afraid,” said Martin with a blush. “But live and learn, Mr Bevan! Nearly die and learn; we learn the quicker.”

  “Now,” said their friend, “about your plans. You mean to return home at once?”

  “Oh, I think so,” returned Martin hastily, for he turned pale at the thought of any other suggestion. “That is your opinion too, I hope?”

  “Unquestionably. For I don't know why you ever came here; though it's not such an unusual case, I am sorry to say, that we need go any farther into that. You don't know that the ship in which you came over with our friend General Fladdock, is in port, of course?”

  “Indeed!” said Martin.

  “Yes. And is advertised to sail to-morrow.”

  This was tempting news, but tantalising too; for Martin knew that his getting any employment on board a ship of that class was hopeless. The money in his pocket would not pay one-fourth of the sum he had already borrowed, and if it had been enough for their passage-money, he could hardly have resolved to spend it. He explained this to Mr Bevan, and stated what their project was.

  “Why, that's as wild as Eden every bit,” returned his friend. “You must take your passage like a Christian; at least, as like a Christian as a fore-cabin passenger can; and owe me a few more dollars than you intend. If Mark will go down to the ship and see what passengers there are, and finds that you can go in her without being actually suffocated, my advice is, go! You and I will look about us in the meantime (we won't call at the Norris's unless you like), and we will all three dine together in the afternoon.”

  Martin had nothing to express but gratitude, and so it was arranged. But he went out of the room after Mark, and advised him to take their passage in the Screw, though they lay upon the bare deck; which Mr Tapley, who needed no entreaty on the subject readily promised to do.

  When he and Martin met again, and were alone, he was in high spirits, and evidently had something to communicate, in which he gloried very much.

  “I've done Mr Bevan, sir,” said Mark.

  “Done Mr Bevan!” repeated Martin.

  “
The cook of the Screw went and got married yesterday, sir,” said Mr Tapley.

  Martin looked at him for farther explanation.

  “And when I got on board, and the word was passed that it was me,” said Mark, “the mate he comes and asks me whether I'd engage to take this said cook's place upon the passage home. “For you're used to it,” he says; “you were always a-cooking for everybody on your passage out.” And so I was,” said Mark, “although I never cooked before, I'll take my oath.”

  “What did you say?” demanded Martin.

  “Say!” cried Mark. “That I'd take anything I could get. “If that's so,” says the mate, “why, bring a glass of rum;” which they brought according. And my wages, sir,” said Mark in high glee, “pays your passage; and I've put the rolling-pin in your berth to take it (it's the easy one up in the corner); and there we are, Rule Britannia, and Britons strike home!”

  “There never was such a good fellow as you are!” cried Martin seizing him by the hand. “But what do you mean by “doing” Mr Bevan, Mark?”

  “Why, don't you see?” said Mark. “We don't tell him, you know. We take his money, but we don't spend it, and we don't keep it. What we do is, write him a little note, explaining this engagement, and roll it up, and leave it at the bar, to be given to him after we are gone. Don't you see?”

  Martin's delight in this idea was not inferior to Mark's. It was all done as he proposed. They passed a cheerful evening; slept at the hotel; left the letter as arranged; and went off to the ship betimes next morning, with such light hearts as the weight of their past miseries engendered.

  “Good-bye! a hundred thousand times good-bye!” said Martin to their friend. “How shall I remember all your kindness! How shall I ever thank you!”

  “If you ever become a rich man, or a powerful one,” returned his friend, “you shall try to make your Government more careful of its subjects when they roam abroad to live. Tell it what you know of emigration in your own case, and impress upon it how much suffering may be prevented with a little pains!”

  Cheerily, lads, cheerily! Anchor weighed. Ship in full sail. Her sturdy bowsprit pointing true to England. America a cloud upon the sea behind them!

  “Why, Cook! what are you thinking of so steadily?” said Martin.

  “Why, I was a-thinking, sir,” returned Mark, “that if I was a painter and was called upon to paint the American Eagle, how should I do it?”

  “Paint it as like an Eagle as you could, I suppose.”

  “No,” said Mark. “That wouldn't do for me, sir. I should want to draw it like a Bat, for its short-sightedness; like a Bantam, for its bragging; like a Magpie, for its honesty; like a Peacock, for its vanity; like a ostrich, for its putting its head in the mud, and thinking nobody sees it—”

  “And like a Phoenix, for its power of springing from the ashes of its faults and vices, and soaring up anew into the sky!” said Martin. “Well, Mark. Let us hope so.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

  ARRIVING IN ENGLAND, MARTIN WITNESSES A CEREMONY, FROM WHICH HE DERIVES THE CHEERING INFORMATION THAT HE HAS NOT BEEN FORGOTTEN IN HIS ABSENCE

  It was mid-day, and high water in the English port for which the Screw was bound, when, borne in gallantly upon the fullness of the tide, she let go her anchor in the river.

  Bright as the scene was; fresh, and full of motion; airy, free, and sparkling; it was nothing to the life and exultation in the breasts of the two travellers, at sight of the old churches, roofs, and darkened chimney stacks of Home. The distant roar that swelled up hoarsely from the busy streets, was music in their ears; the lines of people gazing from the wharves, were friends held dear; the canopy of smoke that overhung the town was brighter and more beautiful to them than if the richest silks of Persia had been waving in the air. And though the water going on its glistening track, turned, ever and again, aside to dance and sparkle round great ships, and heave them up; and leaped from off the blades of oars, a shower of diving diamonds; and wantoned with the idle boats, and swiftly passed, in many a sportive chase, through obdurate old iron rings, set deep into the stone-work of the quays; not even it was half so buoyant, and so restless, as their fluttering hearts, when yearning to set foot, once more, on native ground.

  A year had passed since those same spires and roofs had faded from their eyes. It seemed to them, a dozen years. Some trifling changes, here and there, they called to mind; and wondered that they were so few and slight. In health and fortune, prospect and resource, they came back poorer men than they had gone away. But it was home. And though home is a name, a word, it is a strong one; stronger than magician ever spoke, or spirit answered to, in strongest conjuration.

  Being set ashore, with very little money in their pockets, and no definite plan of operation in their heads, they sought out a cheap tavern, where they regaled upon a smoking steak, and certain flowing mugs of beer, as only men just landed from the sea can revel in the generous dainties of the earth. When they had feasted, as two grateful-tempered giants might have done, they stirred the fire, drew back the glowing curtain from the window, and making each a sofa for himself, by union of the great unwieldy chairs, gazed blissfully into the street.

  Even the street was made a fairy street, by being half hidden in an atmosphere of steak, and strong, stout, stand-up English beer. For on the window-glass hung such a mist, that Mr Tapley was obliged to rise and wipe it with his handkerchief, before the passengers appeared like common mortals. And even then, a spiral little cloud went curling up from their two glasses of hot grog, which nearly hid them from each other.

  It was one of those unaccountable little rooms which are never seen anywhere but in a tavern, and are supposed to have got into taverns by reason of the facilities afforded to the architect for getting drunk while engaged in their construction. It had more corners in it than the brain of an obstinate man; was full of mad closets, into which nothing could be put that was not specially invented and made for that purpose; had mysterious shelvings and bulkheads, and indications of staircases in the ceiling; and was elaborately provided with a bell that rung in the room itself, about two feet from the handle, and had no connection whatever with any other part of the establishment. It was a little below the pavement, and abutted close upon it; so that passengers grated against the windowpanes with their buttons, and scraped it with their baskets; and fearful boys suddenly coming between a thoughtful guest and the light, derided him, or put out their tongues as if he were a physician; or made white knobs on the ends of their noses by flattening the same against the glass, and vanished awfully, like spectres.

  Martin and Mark sat looking at the people as they passed, debating every now and then what their first step should be.

  “We want to see Miss Mary, of course,” said Mark.

  “Of course,” said Martin. “But I don't know where she is. Not having had the heart to write in our distress—you yourself thought silence most advisable—and consequently, never having heard from her since we left New York the first time, I don't know where she is, my good fellow.”

  “My opinion is, sir,” returned Mark, “that what we've got to do is to travel straight to the Dragon. There's no need for you to go there, where you're known, unless you like. You may stop ten mile short of it. I'll go on. Mrs Lupin will tell me all the news. Mr Pinch will give me every information that we want; and right glad Mr Pinch will be to do it. My proposal is: To set off walking this afternoon. To stop when we are tired. To get a lift when we can. To walk when we can't. To do it at once, and do it cheap.”

  “Unless we do it cheap, we shall have some difficulty in doing it at all,” said Martin, pulling out the bank, and telling it over in his hand.

  “The greater reason for losing no time, sir,” replied Mark. “Whereas, when you've seen the young lady; and know what state of mind the old gentleman's in, and all about it; then you'll know what to do next.”

  “No doubt,” said Martin. “You are quite right.”

  They were raising their glass
es to their lips, when their hands stopped midway, and their gaze was arrested by a figure which slowly, very slowly, and reflectively, passed the window at that moment.

  Mr Pecksniff. Placid, calm, but proud. Honestly proud. Dressed with peculiar care, smiling with even more than usual blandness, pondering on the beauties of his art with a mild abstraction from all sordid thoughts, and gently travelling across the disc, as if he were a figure in a magic lantern.

  As Mr Pecksniff passed, a person coming in the opposite direction stopped to look after him with great interest and respect, almost with veneration; and the landlord bouncing out of the house, as if he had seen him too, joined this person, and spoke to him, and shook his head gravely, and looked after Mr Pecksniff likewise.

  Martin and Mark sat staring at each other, as if they could not believe it; but there stood the landlord, and the other man still. In spite of the indignation with which this glimpse of Mr Pecksniff had inspired him, Martin could not help laughing heartily. Neither could Mark.

  “We must inquire into this!” said Martin. “Ask the landlord in, Mark.”

  Mr Tapley retired for that purpose, and immediately returned with their large-headed host in safe convoy.

  “Pray, landlord!” said Martin, “who is that gentleman who passed just now, and whom you were looking after?”

  The landlord poked the fire as if, in his desire to make the most of his answer, he had become indifferent even to the price of coals; and putting his hands in his pockets, said, after inflating himself to give still further effect to his reply: