Myth Alliances m-14

by Robert Asprin

  "I'm really sorry about the misunderstanding," I informed them, rubbing the sore place with my fingertips. "I didn't realize until I saw one used that those Pervomatics really were food choppers. But if it's so straightforward, why were you concealing from the Wuhses what they were working on? It looked pretty suspicious."

  "Because these sheep, in case you haven't noticed, have all the morals of jackdaws," the eldest sighed, sinking down into a chair. "They'll take anything and rationalize that it's okay as long as no one else knows they're taking it. But why didn't you come to us in the first place and just ask us what we're doing, instead of putting us out of business in two dimensions?"

  I heard a contrite little noise behind me, but I ignored it. I had been wrong enough times on my own in my life that I didn't have to ruin a second reputation to make my explanation.

  "I got some advice I didn't understand properly," I shrugged. "It's all my fault."

  "Don't let him take the blame, dear Pervects," Zol put in from behind me. "He came to me, and I inadvertently gave him a wrong steer. Please forgive us all."

  I glanced over my shoulder. The little gray man stood in the doorway flanked by Bunny and Tananda.

  The skirt-suited one pointed a finger. "Aren't you Zol Icty?" The Kobold bowed. "I have that honor."

  She smiled, showing four-inch long teeth, an expression which was repeated on the faces of all of the Pervect Ten. "We have all your books."

  "I'm sorry about your workroom," I told them, as the female in the business suit broke out a keg of wine to toast the new spirit of cooperation. "I think the alteration may be permanent. You can't do magik in here any more."

  "As long as the computer runs, who cares?" the little one declared. "I'm Caitlin, by the way. I've been checking the archives on you around the dimensions. You've got a pretty hot reputation, for a Klahd."

  "Thanks, I think," I replied.

  Tananda shifted impatiently. "Hey, handsome, are you going to let us in, or do we have to stand here and watch you drink in front of us?"

  I had to transit through the brilliant flash of light twice, once to open the fire spell outward, and once to accompany the rest of my companions into the room.

  "Tananda's one of my former partners," I introduced my associates. "Bunny's my administrative assistant."

  The tallest Pervect eyed Bunny curiously. "Aren't you a beauty queen?"

  "I was on one occasion," Bunny explained. "I'm really an accountant."

  "You are?" Oshleen continued in astonishment.

  I remembered her now. (For those of you who missed our previous encounter please see that fine volume Myth-Told Tales, available from your finer stockists.)

  "So am I. What do you think about secured investment in growth industry?"

  "Depends on the track record of the companies involved," my assistant replied, instantly falling into the se- cret language of finance. "Are we talking seasonal or year-round value?"

  I instantly lost track of the thread of conversation. Money management was not my long suit.

  Vergetta, the eldest, waved an admonitory finger at Gleep, who regarded her with utter innocence.

  "He's not going to… you know… again, is he?"

  "Oh, no," I assured her, mentally crossing my fingers. I exchanged glances with Gleep. I think I saw understanding in those round blue eyes that now was not the time to upset the delicate balance.

  "Good. You I remember," she turned to Tananda. "You and a couple of big lugs were the ones who ruined our plan in the Bazaar."

  "You bet we did," Tananda declared, holding her ground, "extortion's not welcome there."

  Vergetta sighed. "It wasn't supposed to go that far. We were just offering services. You think it's easy, after spending a day arguing with creditors, to go and clean a dozen offices and shops? You think I like scrubbing toilets?"

  "But, five gold coins a week?"

  "Pervects always charge top coin for their services," Zol explained. "They believe they're worth it. You should have paid it."

  "Too much," Tananda disagreed, shaking her head. "We did the right thing putting you out of business there."

  Vergetta patted me on the arm. "You're right not to follow this little guy's advice, Sonny. But it was very clever, what you did to us. You could be a Pervect. You, too, Honey." She held out her wine glass to me for a refill.

  "I'm in your debt," Wensley told her, leaping to get the carafe off the table and fill it for her. He hadn't left her side since he had been freed from the snow globe. "I'd like to help undo the mess I made."

  Vergetta didn't hesitate. She frowned at him. "From what we've been able to find out about your hired gun here, this guy is Mr. Connected. We need to dump all the merchandise the two of you made impossible to sell."

  "Me?" Wensley squeaked. "Why?"

  "Because you hired him, Bubby. If he's got any advice to pass along, you have to ask for it."

  Wensley turned beseeching eyes to me. "Will you, Master Skeeve?"

  I felt guilty about my part in the enterprise, too, so I thought hard for a moment. "Why not the Bazaar?" I suggested.

  "Why not?" Vergetta echoed. "Because your little Trollop friend there got us banned for life."

  "And I'd have done it for longer, too," Tananda growled, her cat's eyes glowing. "You should have seen the black eye she gave me! And poor Chumley was sore for a week! Nobody beats up on my big brother but me!"

  "Only two of you have been banned," I reminded them, thoughtfully. "Besides, you don't need to have a shop in the Bazaar to have your goods sold there. I know the Merchants' Association. If I put your exclusive contract out to bid they'll be undercutting one another in no time. The Deveels will love Pervomatics and… and…"

  "Storyteller goggles," Monishone, the robed one, put in shyly. "My invention."

  "That name's got to get changed," Paldine, the business-suited female, interjected briskly. "I'll come with you to handle the negotiations. When? We want to get some black ink back in the ledgers."

  "As soon as we're done here," I assured her.

  "We could have used that Bub Tube," Oshleen was saying passionately to Bunny. "We needed it. I hoped to use it to instill a little responsibility into these Wuhses. What do you do when everyone seems to agree, and when they don't they just sneak off and do what they want? Perverts are much more straightforward. We just tell someone what we want, and if they don't do it, we tear their heads off."

  "Don't play dumb with me," Tenobia was telling a wide-eyed Gleep, who was gnawing on a table leg. "I was a dragon-tamer when I used to work for the circus. You guys are much more intelligent than you let anyone know."

  Eavesdropping with interest, Zol took out his little notebook and began to tap away on his button board. It looked as though Coley had been restored to his original condition. He even had a new red metal band around his middle.

  "Say," Caitlin perked up, noticing the device in his hands. "Isn't that an InfoDump Mark 16?"

  "Yes, it is," Zol beamed. "His name is Coley." With pride, he put it into the littlest Pervect's hands and began to explain all its features. In turn, she showed him her computer. We were all getting along so well, we had forgotten about the object of our presence there.

  Oshleen and Paldine put their heads together over a spreadsheet. The two of them compared notes with several of the others, all of whom seemed pleased. They brought the proposed figures to Vergetta.

  "Very nice," she nodded. "What with our projected earnings we'll be able to buy out our contracts and go home in no time. Even the Wuhses will prosper, since they're doing the manufacture. I've been dying to throw out the line of tea towels for a year."

  "We could be home in time for the spring fashion line," Oshleen sighed.

  "But what about us?" Wensley asked.

  TWENTY-NINE

  "It's been real!"

  — W. DISNEY

  "What about you?" Vergetta echoed. "You Wuhses will be on your own. It's why you brought in the big tough magician and hi
s friends, isn't it?"

  "Well," Wensley began, "you ten have been essentially in charge of everything for the last two years. If you pull out and go home, then… we lapse. We'll go back to the way we were before. Sink into debt." His slitted eyes were wide with fear.

  "Then you need a new government," I suggested. "One with backbone."

  "Led by whom?" Wensley asked. "Who could possibly step in and tell people how to do what you've been doing?"

  I looked straight at him. "You."

  His voice rose up into an even more strangled squeak. "Me?"

  The Ten look him up and down.

  "Why not you?" Tenobia said. "As Wuhses go you've been pretty assertive. You have shown some leadership potential."

  "Oh, no," Wensley protested, abashed. "What an unkind thing to say."

  "Not where I come from," I stated firmly. "In fact, calling something 'average' is almost an insult. You could be in charge of Wuhs's rebirth."

  "Oh, I couldn't."

  "Oh, yes, you could," Zol insisted. "Why, with the example of the Pervects before you, you could create a government that all Wuhses would be proud of."

  "But they hurt people's feelings, and they step on toes," Wensley complained. "Someone will have to say 'no.'" He looked alarmed. "I don't know if I can do that."

  "Sure you could," I informed him.

  "My friend," Zol began encouragingly. "You need to reach inside yourself for the resource you showed in going to find Master Skeeve…"

  The Wuhs looked even more alarmed. I stiff-armed him out of the way. "Wait a minute, Zol. This kind of therapy really should be left to a specialist in assertiveness." Zol looked puzzled but Vergetta grinned.

  "One side, Honey. Allow me." She took the Wuhs's face between her hands. "Kiddo, starting tomorrow, we're going to reopen both of the old product lines. You guys are going to have to leave behind your old handcrafts, which weren't selling anyhow, and start making anything that our inventors here come up with."

  "Well, of course," Wensley agreed, as amiably as anyone could with his cheeks flattened by Perv claws.

  "And in the meantime, you are going to take lessons from us. We're gonna teach you how to think like a Per-vect, walk like a Pervect, talk like a Pervect, and above all… eat like a Pervect. Think about it! What could add more fire to the belly than a real, honest Pervish meal? Once you can muscle a bowl of Potage St. Auugh down your throat, handling a bunch of Wuhses who want to spend your money on a complete set of last year's Super-bowl tickets should be a piece of cake. What do you think? I can go and rustle up some stew right now."

  "You're too kind." Wensley gasped at the very thought of Pervish food. "Really, it's very considerate of you to think of my nutritional needs, but I'm sure there must be another way to instill the virtues…"

  "Doesn't put the lead in your pencil the same way, Sonny. Should I go get some for you? You can eat it right here. I insist. You'll love it."

  Wensley seemed to be going through the most incredible internal discomfort. He wriggled and squirmed, but Vergetta had a firm hold on him. Gradually his protest worked its way up to his mouth. A nasal hum emerged.

  "Nnn…"

  "What?"

  "… Nnn… nnn…"

  "I can't hear you!" Vergetta bellowed, leaning close. "What did you say?"

  "Nnn… nnn… nno… No!" Wensley shouted. His eyes flew wide at his own boldness. "I did it! I said no!"

  Vergetta wore a smug smile. "Once. You said no once. But you'll get used to it."

  "Excellent!" Zol exclaimed. "There, do you see? And every time you need to say no in the future, you can picture this lady's most impressive persuasion."

  "Congratulations," Charilor cheered, slapping him soundly on the back. "You're president."

  "Oh, I can't be. That will take consultation with all of the other committees. They may have views they wish to offer…"

  "Nobody will disagree with you," Niki interrupted. "If there's anything I've ever learned about you Wuhses, it's that if you tell them something's got to be, they just accept it. Face it. You're in charge now."

  Wensley looked astonished, but pleased. "I… I don't know how we can ever thank all of you." "Oh, you've got our bill, darling," Vergetta reminded him. "You'll pay it. Put it on the debit side of the clean new slate you're starting today,"

  "And you can buy my books for everyone to read," the little gray man added. 'That way you will have a written guideline to mental self-sufficiency. I'll be delighted to offer you a bulk rate."

  Wensley called a mass secret meeting to announce the outcome of the morning's action. Most of the Wuhses came out of curiosity, to find out who had torn whom apart. They were all thankful to see Wensley alive and well. He and Kassery wouldn't let go of one another, kissing and whispering together. Bunny_ sighed.

  "It's so romantic," she kept saying. I don't know why that made me feel uncomfortable, but it did.

  When we had all the committee leaders safely stuffed into Montgomery's inn and sealed the doors closed, I thanked them all for coming.

  "We've reached a new understanding with the Pervect Ten," I explained. "You all know my friends. I'd like to introduce our guests. I think you know them?"

  Into the midst of the Wuhses a loud bamf heralded the arrival of the Pervects. There was a general stampede for the doors. If we hadn't barred them magically I would have lost my entire audience in five seconds.

  "You have nothing to worry about!" I shouted over the panicked bleating. "From today onward you will be led by a Wuhs. The Pervects will go back to being consultants, answerable to him, as they were supposed to be from the beginning."

  "But who?" Gubbeen asked curiously, once we had coaxed him back to the table. "Who is this Wuhs who will lead us?"

  "Wensley," I announced, putting my arm around the hero of the day. "He'll be a great leader. He was ready to sacrifice himself for your greater good, and he's ready to serve you in a less life-threatening capacity."

  "But," began Ardrahan, puffing herself up indignantly. "The style with which we are most comfortable is for everyone to have an equal voice in all decisions."

  "Not any more," I informed them. "That didn't work. That's how you got in trouble in the first place. Wensley's ready to take all your input and be fair in his judgment, but the final decision has to rest with him. He's in charge now."

  As Niki had predicted, the committeefriends conferred and complained, but in the end they agreed with everything we told them to do. The Pervects were relieved. Wensley and Kassery were elated and awed but ready to try. The disenfranchised spokesWuhses were doing their best to influence the new leaders to see their points of view. And I was ready to go home.

  "Well, that's that," I stated, shaking hands with Zol Icty. "So, are you going back to Kobol now?"

  "No, indeed," the little gray man informed me happily. "I am going to stay here to observe the Pervect Ten assist our young friend there in finally putting Pareley back on the financial map, and then I will go back to Perv with them. I want to study them very closely for the new book I am researching: I'm Okay, You're Pervect. When it's finished I'll send you all copies."

  "I'll look forward to it," I thanked him. "I'm going back to my studies. I've still got a lot to learn."

  "You're on your way," Zol assured me. "I was very impressed with both your application and your wisdom."

  "I'm sorry," Wensley said, turning to me with some embarrassment. "But we can't pay you yet. Wuh is on the financial mend, and your fee will just send us back again into negative territory. I'm sorry."

  "How about an in-kind fee instead?" I said.

  Wensley looked uncomfortable, but nodded. "We owe you so much. What do you have in mind?" "It's something you already have," I explained. "I'd like to have your D-hopper."

  "But you don't need one," the Wuhs said, looking puzzled. "You can already travel the dimensions."

  "I know," I acknowledged, "but I do need it. What about it?"

  He looked at the others, who we
re clearly urging him not to give up their precious D-hopper, but he nodded. "It's caused enough trouble here," he decided at last. "I think that once we learn responsibility there will be plenty of time to learn how to travel between the dimensions."

  "Thank you," I asserted, tucking the device into my belt pouch. Bunny and Tananda gave me odd looks, knowing I had one just like it in my boot. "Good riddance to it," Loorna insisted, producing the device. She slapped it into my palm.

  Paldine came up to join me. "Come on, Skeeve the Magnificent. We've got some Deveels to dazzle."

  Oshleen came over to envelop me in a massive, bonecrushing hug. "Any time you need some quality financial work done, honey, you've got a freebie coming."

  "I've got a top accountant, thanks," I replied. Bunny, who had not even noticed she had tensed, relaxed and smiled brilliantly at me.

  "Well, any time you need someone's hindquarters chewed off, we'd be glad to help out," Charilor offered, showing her teeth.

  "Gee, where were you a couple of weeks ago?" I asked, innocently. "I was looking for an organized force to throw out a bunch of Pervects who had taken over another dimension."

  To give them credit, the Pervect Ten laughed.

  "You've got chutzpah, bubby," Vergetta chuckled, crushing my hand in a tight grip. "Don't be a stranger. Okay, ladies, back to the castle. We've got glasses to enchant." She glanced at Wensley. "Come with us, Sonny. You might learn something."

  Tananda, Bunny and I slipped out of the hastily-convened auction going on between members of the Devan Marketing Association. Once I had introduced Paldine and had her display the wares she had to offer, the bidding began at the top of everyone's voice. I had finally gotten a chance to try the Storyteller Goggles (soon to be renamed), and I was sorry my misplaced enthusiasm had deprived the Scammies of them. They were terrific, and the Deveels knew it, too. The Pervomatic also sold itself in a matter of seconds.