by Adams, Nancy
“Really?” Brett leaned towards her. “Tell me about it. What was it like?”
“Well, not as elegant, that’s for sure!” They laughed together. “Back then, it was for college kids. You know, old enough to drink, smoke, and vote. We just wanted a place we could call a club without needing bands to separate us from the underaged.” Brett nodded in agreement.
“I heard about that,” he lifted his glass to his lips. “As the owners changed, so did the focus, right?”
Shrugging, Tina motioned for a refill to Matt. He acknowledged her with a smile. “I dunno. After a couple of years I fell out of the scene and when I got my membership back it had changed a lot.” She stared wistfully into the past. “They had just opened the five star restaurant and put in the second and third floors. Since then, I’ve only come for special occasions.”
“Special occasions?”
“You know anniversaries—”
“For weddings?”
Tina looked sharply at Brett. She noticed her heart beating rapidly within her chest. When she spoke, she stammered. “Well, yeah my folks celebrated their 50th anniversary here last March.”
Brett seemed to relax, his eyes sweeping over her upper body briefly. “Why are you coming back now?” His voice was noticeably calmer.
Tina opened her mouth to speak, but no words or sound formed. After a moment, she laughed, shrugging her shoulders again. “I don’t know. My friends invited me out two days ago because I was down and then,” she heaved her shoulders up, sighing as she let them fall down, “I like talking to you.”
Brett smiled. “I’m sorry you were down the other day,” he paused, waiting for her to meet his eyes. “But I glad you were. Then we might not have ever met,” he hesitated, “again.”
They chuckled softly together, holding each other eyes in a steady gaze. “Well, Christina,” he reached out towards her, but stopped short of making physical contact, “let Matt know I’ll pay for your drinks. I’m actually late for the set now so I should get going.” Tina nodded, unable to find words to say in response. “If I don’t see you after my set, can I expect to see you Tuesday?” She nodded. Wait, what? “Good. Five o’ clock, remember?” Brett stood then, waving as he left to disappear into the open lounge floor which had even more people on it than when she first arrived.
Modeling Loyalty
Chapter Eight
Tina watched him leave, disappointed that he became lost in the crowd so quickly. Then she remembered his question. What am I getting myself into?
After relaying Brett’s message to Matt, Tina withdrew from the bar. She searched for a small, corner table for two. Most were already taken, but she managed to find a spare seat. She positioned the chair against a beam, able to watch Brett take the stage as soft music played to bridge the gap between the last live set and the beginning of Brett’s.
He sat on a short wooden stool with a single mic in front of him. As the background music died down in the speakers, he began to pluck and strum at the strings on the guitar, pulling out deep rich sounds that seemed to quiet the individuals in the lounge. When he began to sing, his voice fell like a blanket upon the place, dark and smooth. Tina shivered as his voice traveled over her body, leaving chills along her skin.
From where she sat, she had a direct line of sight to the front of the stage, save for a few people passing through every once and a while. For the most part, listeners were either sitting at the tables, or engaging one another at the pool tables and on the open lounge floor.
Even with the low lighting, Tina could see the concentration on Brett’s face and hear the focus in his voice as he played through tunes and songs well-rehearsed and memorized. His voice was solid and mature, worn and well used. He wasn’t a rookie at preforming in front of others. At times the audience clapped, at others times they simply swayed and clapped in rhythm to the beat.
Through his show, Tina sat and watched, drugged by his voice. She watched the muscles twitch and flex on his forearms, visible from the arms of the dress shirt rolled up to his elbow. She made note of the way he struck and strummed at the guitar’s strings with a precision and skill only experience could permit.
His voice seemed to drift into her soul. When he looked up, their eyes seemed to connect. She became rigid, unable to pull away. She couldn’t tell if he could really see her or not, but he didn’t pull away either. He was too far away to see the color in his eyes, but she remembered their dark, hazel beauty.
Tina broke the connection first, glancing away. When she looked back, he still looked in her direction. Looking away a second time, Tina removed herself from the chair. She turned her back to Brett and moved quickly to the spiral staircase. She knew he wouldn’t be able to follow her pass the small ring of tables surrounding the stage, but she refused to stop and look for him again.
“I shouldn’t come back,” she breathed, puffing down the stairs in a hurry. She brushed against people, shaking their drinks and receiving annoyed looks. She offered quick apologies but didn’t stop. She only moved quicker, stopping to breathe once she made it outside.
The warm evening betrayed the time of year it really was, mid-October. The streets had been lined with fading leaves for weeks, but tonight it felt like a warm summer evening.
Tina let out a deep breath, heart racing within her chest. The young girl within her wanted to dance for joy that he had found her in the midst of the lounge; but, the adult could only address reality. She didn’t know why she had come that night.
John had plans with friends. Poker night. They played cards and bet money. Sometimes John won, but most Sunday nights he lost. They hadn’t had a meal together in over a week, let alone a decent conversation. When they talked, it was usually to sum up the past events of several days. Nothing more.
He probably wouldn’t even be home by the time she arrived. He didn’t know what she did or where she went and he didn’t care. For all she knew, he could be lying to her as well; but she knew he wasn’t. He didn’t do much. Still, she felt guilty for having come to entertain her heart with Brett’s eyes, his smile, his attention…
In her car, Tina pulled down her visor to access her mirror. She had managed to put on a little makeup that night. Some concealer and deep red lip gloss. Her lips were still shiny, her eyes still dark and inviting. That wasn’t normal. It was for Brett—and who was he? Some random guy—could be a douche-bag for all she knew. Still, she couldn’t stop thinking about him and his smile, his touch, his chuckle.
Hearing him say her name had sparked her soul. Having him catch her eyes had set her on fire. No, I can’t come back. This isn’t right.
Seeking Truth
Chapter Nine
Five o’ clock found Tina sitting inside her car in the parking lot of Club Twenty-One Eleven on Tuesday. She had left work an hour early, too excited to concentrate past three. She had arrived 30 minutes earlier, unsure of how she ended in the parking lot when she originally told herself she was going to drive to the nearest grocery store for juice. Never mind the fact that there was a gas station that sold eight to 12 ounces of juice right outside her neighborhood. She convinced herself she needed more, at least a gallon or more of juice.
Fifteen minutes later, she found herself staring at the brick building. She didn’t have to tell herself she felt guilty. Her palms were sweaty and her heart beat wildly around within her chest. She wasn’t meeting Brett for sex or anything, but just the thought of coming to meet another man other than John was enough to make her feel sick. And yet, here she was.
“I’m a terrible wife,” she muttered beneath her breath. She couldn’t remember the last time she laughed and felt like she were worth someone’s attention. The look Brett gave her was enough to cause her heart to melt, and it had. She wanted to see him look at her like that again, and that desire scared her. Was she so starved for attention that a couple of stupid conversations with a good looking man caused her to act this way?
"Apparently," she sighed, shoulders dropping
with disappointment. She stared at her visor mirror, longing eyes reflecting in the glass. Beth's words had continued to haunt her from Saturday night. "You deserve happiness too."
If that were the case, then why did she feel so guilty for pursuing something she clearly wanted? Tina reached for her phone, pressing a button to get the small, rectangular screen to light up. 5:15pm. Would Brett really expect her to be there at five? It doesn't matter... With another deep sigh, Tina lifted her hand towards the keys still danging from the ignition. If she didn't leave now, there was no telling what kind of trouble she could find herself in.
No sooner than her car started, she clicked into reverse gear, backing out the parking spot quickly. She didn't want to second guess her actions. If she did, she knew she'd go back. Speeding away from the club, she refused to give it one one last look over. She was going to cancel her membership tomorrow. Her mind had already been made up.
She wasn't sure which hurt more, knowing that she was running away, or knowing that she was running away to nothing better instead. She had no idea what John was doing, but whatever it was, she wasn't invited. Her eyes began to tingle and burn as she fought to keep her tears back.
A lonely, dramatic part of her wanted to drive to the nearest bar and order shots of rum until she couldn't stand. But she had never been much of a drinker. She didn't want to be alone anymore, instead, she opted for the nearest strip mall, complete with a local coffee shop, small dinners, yogurt, ice cream, and gelato stores.
In summertime, the mall was packed with high school and college students mingling with each other, trying to guess one another's age. This time of year, however, there was only college students wanting to do their homework in the autumn breeze while they sipped lattes or yogurt shakes.
Around the mall was a strip of paved path. About this time, exercise groups met and trained for half-marathons, or walked to support one another's weight-loss goals. Although it wouldn't make her forget quite like getting drunk would, she knew it was the only acceptable alternative, other than going home to sit by herself in solitude.
She parked and helped herself to a frothy chocolate frappe. Once her order was made, she took a seat outside. She didn’t feel like the gorgeous autumn evening. The air held a hint of the coming winter in the nip on the edge of the wind that danced with her hair. The sun had yet to dip beneath or behind anything, but played hide and seek behind clouds, thinning trees, and buildings from the strip mall.
Tina looked around at the faces of other coffee shop clients. Many of them sat reading books, for college or for fun with headphones in their ears. They were completely oblivious to anyone else around them, satisfied in their own world. In that moment, she felt a tinge of jealousy. If only she could be that content in her own life. I used to be, didn’t I? Before John? Before we married, when I was still free to be me—
She jerked her head up, startled as someone abruptly approached her table. Shock spread across her face as she looked back at Brett. Setting down a coffee cup, he lifted up his guitar case resting at his left side. He placed it in an empty chair hugging the small round glass deck table. Once it was secure, he sat down directly across from Tina. He wasn’t smiling.
“You stood me up,” his voice was flat.
Confronting Secrets
Chapter Ten
Tina said nothing, her mouth only falling open. She raced through excuses. She could make a comment about the time, but as giddy as she had been in his presence, she knew he wouldn’t buy anything but the truth. Her brow furrowed. How did he find me?
“I didn’t follow you or anything,” he said, tone changing quickly. “After 45 minutes passed I assumed you weren’t going to come back so I figured I’d get something cold and sweet and go home,” he tilted his head as he looked at her.
“But while I was waiting for my order to be made, I looked out here and saw you sitting down. I thought for sure if you stood me up it’d be for something good. You’re not even doing anything though,” he hesitated. “Are you waiting for someone?”
Tina shook her head, looking down. She only offered him a shrug. When she met Brett’s eyes, her heart dropped. “It’s complicated,” she said meekly.
Relaxing into the back of his chair, Brett picked up his cup, lifting the straw to his lips. He sipped slowly, licking his lips afterwards.
“Try me.” He sat the cup down, and then crossed his arms, face becoming motionless.
Tina felt her stomach tightening. She didn’t feel giddy anymore, just shame. Swallowing back her pride, she let her eyes drop from his. With another weak shrug, she looked away and said, “I’m married.” She couldn’t bring herself to see his reaction, feeling a flood of heat to her body and grief to her soul. How pathetic I must seem.
In the silence that followed her confession, she waited, body tense. Brett didn’t move though. After a while, she took a deep breath and straightened herself. She turned to him then, meeting his dark eyes with difficulty. She expected to see disappointment, or disgust, instead, she saw nothing.
Once their eyes met, Brett moved, lifting up his frappe. He sipped at it, glancing away only briefly. Did he hear me?
“I said I’m—”
“I heard you,” he cut in quickly, setting down his plastic cup. He paused, breathing deeply as he looked at her. She watched as his eyes moved from her face to her chest. She followed his gaze until she realized he was looking at her hands. Instinctively, she touched where her rings used to be, just days earlier. She looked his face, meeting his eyes again. “Why did you come Sunday?”
Tina took a deep breath, starting to relax. He wasn’t angry. “I didn’t think I’d actually talk to you then.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
His bold frankness really unsettled her. “You’re right. I guess that doesn’t answer your question.”
Brett motioned for her to answer him. “Well, go on. Why did you come Sunday?”
Tina felt her face flushing with heat. “I wanted to see you. But you knew that, didn’t you?” She challenged him, but he was unfazed.
“It’s nice to hear you say it out loud.” Brett held her eyes with his. He wasn’t joking anymore. He leaned on the table with his elbows. “So what’s complicated? I’m mean, obviously you’re unhappy.”
Tina nodded, then shrugged, looking away. “Marriage isn’t like having a boyfriend.”
“I know.”
His certainty brought her eyes back to his. He lifted up his left hand to her, wiggling his fingers. There was no ring. “I was married once. Six years ago.” He lowered his hand, crossing his arms over the table.
Tina felt the heat beneath her skin starting to subside. She expected judgment from him, but there was none. “Well, to answer your question,” she looked at Brett, smiling slightly, “I guess the complications are me.”
“Tell me more.”
Iron Clad Mind
Chapter Eleven
Tina entered her house with a smile on her face. She felt her body swelling with pride throughout the rest of the evening with Brett. She had never been able to be so open and honest with anyone about her feelings before.
Beth was a great friend, but she didn’t always feel like her honesty concerning her marriage was very welcome. Beth was a free spirit, and never understood deep commitment, let alone marriage.
After Beth’s confession to her in the car, she understood it was because she was simply tired of seeing her friend so down all the time. She didn’t believe that a relationship or marriage had to be so difficult. In her mind, if things weren’t working out, then there was nothing worth fixing. She never understood her friend’s commitment to a relationship where her husband had clearly checked out.
With Brett, it was completely different. If he felt like she were an idiot for staying with him for so long, he never mentioned it. They spoke for three hours, up until the coffee shop closed at nine and long after the sun had finally retired beneath the flat horizon.
She learned a lot ab
out Brett then. About his last marriage to a woman who demanded access and control to every aspect of his life, or he was accused of cheating. It was only after he discovered her affair of two years that he immediately abandoned hopes of restoring the relationship and filed for a divorce.
The entire experience had jaded him. He had been heavily committed, dealing with her anger and verbal abuse because he believed it was something they could eventually work through. She had caused him great pain, much like the silent, emotional abuse from John. He was never around, and even when he was, what he offered was hardly encouragement.
She wasn’t sure where they stood. All they did was talk, but it was the best talk she had had in a very long time. In her kitchen, she stood at the island, leaning on it with both her hands. They had even made plans for lunch later in the week.
“What are you so happy about?”
Tina snapped out her thoughts, searching for the direction of the voice. The main lights in the house were off, with only floor lights and a living room table lamp on. It was from the couch that Tina could see the outline of John’s body stretched out on the soft fabric.
He sat up then, pausing to yawn. When he stood, he stretched tall. Tina could make out more of his thin body, different from the attractive bulk of Brett’s muscular build. John scratched his head lazily, making his way into the kitchen.
“You’ve been going out a lot,” he said, pausing at the kitchen island. He squinted at her through the darkness.
Avoiding his eyes, Tina shrugged, setting her hand bag down on the marbled surface. “Got tired of waiting around here.” She walked to the sink and turned the water on. Letting the cold liquid wash over her hands, she felt the corners of her mouth twitch up to a smile. She used to sit in silence waiting for John. Now she didn’t even care, and it felt wonderful.
“You’re here though. Didn’t expect that, or I at least thought you’d be in bed already,” she added soap to her hands. They didn’t need to be cleaned, but it kept her busy and gave her an excuse to not have to look at him.
