Only Me

by Vivian Ward

  That gets her attention and her head shoots straight up as she looks right at me. There’s a look of recognition in her eyes; maybe that’s when her problems started too—right after we split up.

  It’s hard to say what would’ve happened between us, but I would’ve married that girl if we could’ve worked through our problems. I loved her more than the air that I breathed and if given the choice between loving her or breathing, I would’ve used my last breath to tell her how much I loved her.

  “Thank you, Lucas,” he says, motioning for me to take my seat. “Who’s left?”

  As I sit back down in my chair, Alicia grabs hold of my arm and squeezes it. “You did great,” she whispers.

  I know she means well, but her words don’t offer me much comfort. I’m ready to get out of here and go have a drink but knowing her, she’s not going to let me out of her sight.

  Everyone looks at each other as we wait to see who’s turn it is to talk next before Mark says, “Toni? How about you? You haven’t gone yet.”

  Pushing her chair back, she stands and smoothes her hair back as a weak smile spreads across her face. My mind races, wondering what she’ll say. Will her story match mine? Or will it be something completely different? Sitting in my chair, I hold my breath until she begins talking, unable to move a muscle.

  Chapter Four

  Toni

  Hearing Lucas’s story shocked the hell out of me. I had no idea that he’d taken the same path as me once we called it quits. Obviously, everything went downhill for him at the same time it did for me; he said six years ago and looked straight at me. It hurt so bad to hear him say that.

  Everything is my fault. I fucked it all up—for both of us. He must think I’m the worst person on the world after everything we went through.

  I know this sounds terrible, but part of me felt a little better knowing that he couldn’t easily get over me and that we both went through the same struggles because I know I’m not alone. I felt so selfish for the longest time, but knowing that it hurt him as much as it hurt me brings me some sort of relief that it wasn’t all in my head. We had a really good thing, and there were so many times that I wondered how he was.

  I can’t count the days when I wondered what he was doing or where he was at, or if he was thinking of me.

  But the other part of me is sad that he dealt with things alone. It’s never easy to hear that someone you once loved and cared about went down such a dark path.

  The fact that he’s barely holding on to his dad’s construction business tells me a lot. When we were together, he still worked for his dad, but I guess his dad handed it down to him. That business meant everything to him and his dad, and the fact that he’s let things get this far out of hand shows me that maybe our relationship affected him more than I could’ve imagined.

  I’m assuming the woman who’s with him is only here for moral support since she didn’t speak or introduce herself. She must care for him a lot because nobody comes to these things voluntarily, at least not at first. I find myself wondering how long the two of them have been together and whether she’s an enabler or not. I guess it’s really none of my business.

  “I’m Toni,” I say, quickly introducing myself. “I’ve been attending these meetings for the past four years and Mon,” I glance down at her, “has been my sponsor most of that time.”

  She smiles up at me and nods, “Sure have, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.”

  “My last week has been hectic,” I admit. “And I wanted to take a load off, but I didn’t. I stayed clean. Every time I thought about stopping off for a drink on my way home, I called Mon and talked to her until I was in for the night.”

  “What happened last week, Toni? How’s your laundromat business going?” Mark asks.

  A short laugh escapes my throat. “Not good. I just got all of the inspections finished and found out that the bank loan will barely cover any of the repairs that I need to make in order to get the building up to code. It’s going to cost a fortune.”

  “Are there any grants that you could take advantage of? A lot of times the government will give small business owner grants to help get things up and running.”

  Shifting my weight onto my other foot, I sweep my hair away from my face. “I tried, but I don’t qualify for most of them. I seriously wonder if anyone actually qualifies for those things.”

  “So what’s your plan?” Mark asks.

  According to him, we must always have a plan; a safety net to fall back on.

  “I don’t really have one at the moment,” I bite my lip. “But I’m working on it. I have an appointment with the bank manager on Friday to see if I can get a small loan. According to the inspection reports, it shouldn’t cost me more than ten grand to fix the plumbing and the gas leak that’s inside the building. If I would’ve known the building had so many issues, I would’ve never bought it.”

  “Do you think you’ll get the loan?” he asks.

  I shrug, “Your guess is as good as mine. I barely got the business loan to buy the laundromat, but I’m hoping they’ll say yes. I just got my credit cards paid off last month, so I’m hoping that’ll shoot up my credit score.”

  “Well, it sounds like you have a plan,” Mark says. “You’ve come a long way, but it sounds like you’re moving in the right direction.”

  Before the meeting is over, Mark talks about working the twelve steps and how much of an impact they can make if you stay the course. His voice drowns out to nothing but background noise as I study Lucas and his girlfriend. She seems more tentative to what’s going on in the meeting than he does, by far.

  After hearing his story and watching him, I can see that he’s only here because he has to be, and not because he wants to be. If he’s serious about changing his life or keeping his business, it’s vital that he works the twelve steps regardless what the judge has ordered or he’ll be right back in the same boat.

  I realize that the meeting is over when everyone stands up, and quickly scramble to my feet to join them. As soon as we say our goodbyes, I snatch my purse from the floor and leave as quickly as possible. The last thing I want is to look like I’m lingering or waiting around for him.

  In the parking lot, I hear Mon calling my name.

  “Toni!” she yells. “Wait up!” Running toward my car, she bends over, catching her breath as she rests her hands on her knees. “How come you took off like that?”

  Glancing at the door, I make sure Lucas and his girlfriend are nowhere around. “You know the new guy that was in the meeting?” She nods, still out of breath. “That’s him.”

  “Him? Him, who?”

  “The guy that I told you about.” Her face twists in confusion. “The one who I had the abortion with and everything crumbled after that?” I jog her memory.

  “Oh! Oh, shit!” she says. “Are you going to talk to him? Or do you not want to talk to him?”

  “I can’t talk to him,” I say. “Besides, he’s clearly moved on and has a girlfriend and everything.”

  “Remember step eight?” she says, in a low, sweet voice. “You need to make amends. You two went through a lot together, and it seems like you’re both hurting.”

  “Remember step nine?” I counter. “You only make amends if it won’t harm the other person. I think talking to him would do more harm than good. Like I said, it seems like he has support. I don’t want to ruin anything. I remember being here even though I didn’t want to, and if he were here to confront me at my first meeting, I don’t think I would’ve come back. It’s better if I just leave things be and let him work on his recovery at his own will.”

  “Do whatever your heart tells you to do,” she takes my hand in hers. “You’re a good person, Toni, and I know you’ll do the right thing.”

  “Thanks, Mon. I better get going. I’ll see you around.”

  She wraps her arms around me, giving me a firm hug. “Call if you need anything. Not only have I been your sponsor for the last few years, but I’m also
your best friend.”

  “I know,” I open my car door. “I’m going to get out of here before they come out. We’ll talk later.”

  I fire up my engine and begin to back out of the parking space just as Lucas and his girlfriend walk out of the building. Whew, I think to myself, bullet dodged, but I doubt he even saw me, even though I couldn’t stop staring at him.

  Chapter Five

  Lucas

  After getting my paper signed by Mark, Alicia and I head out of the building. Even though I made it through the first bullshit meeting, I know there are many more to come. I dread it and welcome it at the same time if it means getting to hear her speak at each of the meetings.

  I’m dying to know as much about her as humanly possible. I’ve worried about her so many times over the years, but I was too scared to call her or go by her place. I laugh to myself at being too scared. What man the size of me could possibly be afraid of tiny Toni?

  It’s not so much that I’m afraid of her, but afraid of her rejection. It’s possible that it would literally kill me if she rejected me. There’s no way I could take it. It’d probably be enough to push me off the deep end.

  “I could really use a drink after listening to everyone else’s problems,” I say to Alicia.

  “How about if we grab something to eat instead? You can’t drink if you’re going to clean up your act,” she says. Rolling my eyes at her, I know she’s right and I hate it. “We’ll get Chinese takeout on the way home.”

  “Whatever,” I mumble.

  Along the car ride, I can’t stop thinking about how Toni bought a business. She was never the entrepreneur type, but I’m glad to know that she was able to turn over a new leaf after everything that happened. It gives me a bit of hope that if she can do it, so can I.

  She’s always had a good head on her shoulders and very intelligent. It was just a few of the qualities that attracted me to her in the first place. Toni’s not like any other girl I’ve ever met before, and that’s what makes her so special.

  I can’t help but wonder why she’d buy a laundromat of all things. Why not a coffee shop, a donut shop, a bakery, or something else? There’s only one laundromat that I can think of that’d be for sale and it’s the one off of Grand and Gravois. It’s not the best neighborhood, and everyone around there relies on that place. From what I can remember, it shut down about six months ago, so she must’ve taken ownership of it very recently.

  “Hello? Earth to Lucas,” Alicia shakes my arm. “We’re here. Are you coming in to order with me?”

  Snapping out of my thoughts, I look around and see that we’re parked in front of the Chinese restaurant. “Yeah, sorry. I was just thinking.”

  We get out of the car and begin walking inside. “What were you thinking about?” She asks.

  “Those stupid meetings. One down, eleven more to go,” I say, opening the door for her.

  “Yeah? Well, those ‘stupid meetings’ are only once a week, and I think they’re going to change your life.”

  I laugh at the thought of them changing my life. “I don’t know about all that, but they will help me get my license back so that I don’t have to worry about driving illegally anymore.”

  We step up to the counter and order our usual dinner combos of sweet and sour chicken with chicken fried rice before we sit down and wait for them to cook our food.

  “I know,” she says as we take a seat. “That worries the hell out of me. Do you know how much trouble you could get into if you got caught driving without your license?”

  “Don’t do this, Alicia. I have to go to work, I have bills to pay.” I’m tired of her always lecturing me.

  “Lucas, if you get caught driving on a suspended license, you could lose it for good. Then what? You’ll still keep driving, right?”

  “Well, I’ll still keep eating, so yeah, I don’t really have a choice. Do I?”

  “When will you stop living on the edge?” Her voice is weary.

  “Probably never,” I reply.

  The woman behind the counter calls out our order, saving me from another tiring argument with Alicia.

  We eat dinner in complete silence as we watch TV. Calling it an early night, I say, “Guess I better get to bed soon. I have to work in the morning.”

  Removing our dishes from the table, Alicia cleans up as our show is ending. “Where are you working tomorrow?”

  I don’t want to talk about it because I’m not proud of what my work has dwindled to. “I have to repair a couple of basement walls,” I answer.

  My construction company went from doing jobs all over the area for big name companies to repairing basement walls of homeowners. Work has been tough lately and with being limited to where I can accept jobs, I’ve been taking anything I can get.

  “Oh? Well, how about if I stay the night tonight? I’ll keep you company.”

  I don’t have the heart to kick her out. I’d prefer alone time to process everything, but I know she’ll be offended if I say no. “Sure,” I reply. “Whatever suits you.”

  As we lie in bed, I can’t get Toni out of my mind. She looked so damn good. The way her coffee-colored brown hair framed her face brought out her beautiful cocoa brown eyes and her high cheek bones. It seems like it’s been forever since I laid eyes on her, and she’s even more beautiful than I remember her.

  She seemed happy, despite whatever’s going on with her laundromat. I’m happy for her, even though I miss her like crazy. I’d pick her over any woman, but I doubt she’d waste a second thought thinking about me.

  I noticed that she didn’t wait around at the end of the meeting to get a paper signed like I did, so I bet she’s going on her own free will. She’s always been so much stronger than I ever have when it comes to doing the right things.

  Drifting off to sleep, I wrap my arm around Alicia as I secretly pretend it’s Toni. She’s all I ever wanted, and now that I’ve seen her, I can’t stop thinking about her.

  It’s still dark outside when I wake up, and Alicia’s sprawled out in bed next to me. Her pale leg is a reminder that she’s not Toni, and I hate myself for not trying harder when I had a chance to make things right between us.

  “Good morning,” a lazy smile plays on Alicia’s lips. “Are you getting up for work?”

  Running my hand through my hair, I throw my legs over the edge of the bed. “Yep, it appears so.”

  “I’ll join you in the shower,” she giggles.

  The last thing I want is her in the shower with me, but she’s determined as hell to join me anyway. “It’s okay. I have to make it quick so I get there on time.”

  “Babe,” she whines. “Let me take a shower with you. I’ll put on some coffee while you get the water heated up.”

  Sighing, I get out of bed and turn on the water, hopeful that I’ll get in and out before she has a chance to jump in with me. Washing the suds out of my hair, I’m almost done when I hear the curtain clink open.

  “Hey, babe,” she stands before me in all her naked glory.

  She has a smoking hot body, but I’m not interested this morning. All I can think about is Toni. I dreamt of her all night and replayed one of our last fights over and over. It was the day we went to the clinic—a day I’ll never forget.

  “Are you sure you want to do this?” I asked her as we sat in the waiting room. It’s not too late if you want to change your mind.”

  She looked up from the magazine she was pretending to read. “I’m sure.”

  “We can make this work if you want to keep it. I’ll do whatever needs to be done.”

  “Lucas! Stop it,” she hissed. Suspicious eyes casted upon us from everyone in the room. “We’re doing this.”

  We sat in silence until the called her name.

  “Toni Summers,” the nurse appeared with a clipboard. “Come on back.”

  I followed her to the room where she dressed in a paper gown and put her feet in the stirrups.

  The dream stopped at that point, and I woke up every damn
ed time. I think it’s because my mind won’t let me think about what happened next. Reliving the next part is a nightmare, and it’s something that still haunts me to this day. We could’ve had a family together, and I meant it when I told her I’d do everything possible to make sure that she was taken care of—her and the baby.

  “Hey,” my voice croaks as Alicia joins me in the shower.

  Without another word, she steps in beside me and immediately gets on her knees. “Let me help you make sure you’re extra clean.”

  Before I can stop her, her hand is around the base of my cock and her warm tongue is swirling around the tip. Looking down, I see her wide eyes close shut as she takes my entire length in her mouth and hums as she alternates sucking and stroking my shaft.

  “Fuck,” I mumble, the hot water hitting my back.

  With a loud pop, she takes my dick out of her mouth and smiles up at me. “That’s right, baby. Let me take care of you today.”

  Deep throating my cock, I close my eyes and imagine it’s Toni. The problem is, Toni was way better at giving head, but Alicia’s determined to get me off before I go to work.

  Reaching up with her free hand, she cups my balls and sucks even harder, swirling her tongue around every rigid vein my cock has to offer. Eager to make me come, she uses the warm water as lubrication for my cock and begins stroking it. I close my eyes and picture Toni wearing her black leggings and high-heeled boots with her form fitting blouse from the meeting last night, and that’s all I need to give me that final push.

  My load starts shooting out, all over Alicia’s face and chest. Smiling, she admires her handiwork and continues stroking me until she’s completely drained my balls.

  Chapter Six

  Toni

  “What’s the damage?” I ask the gas man as he finalizes his estimate.

  Holding his clipboard, he let’s out a long, low whistle. “You have a couple of options. There’s a quick fix and there’s the right way. Which one do you prefer?”