by A M Russell
‘He went past you two when you were digging in that ditch a few minutes ago.’
‘Ok.’ said Curly Pete, ‘Fan plus shit time. Let’s go Davey.’
Janey’s coffee was beginning to work and everyone was talking at once. On this occasion Hanson didn’t take the lead. Janey was pacing up and down waiting for the prints from Nikolas. He came out of the sleeping pod with a set of six by fours. Hanson took them and laid them out on the camping table. The only thing that was good about them was the quality of the photography. I liked the one with the knot especially. But the other things were crushed rubble and bits of metal.
‘What happened to it? asked Adam, looking at Janey. She waved her arm at Jules and turned away.
‘It looks like it has corroded,’ Jules pointed at one of the photos, ‘it looks in fact as if it had rotted away.’
‘How is that possible?’ I asked.
‘There is, as far as I know only one way to cause this.’
‘Which is?’ asked Jared.
‘Immerse it in salt water for a very long time.’ Jules looked bewildered, ‘but of course that didn’t happen.’
‘So what about this?’ Pete pulled out the sample bag. ‘It was in the ditch wall; near the point that the rope may have been severed.
Janey came and examined it. Her face was pale; as pale as salt. The crimson of her lips were like bruised petals as she spoke. ‘It’s a precious metal, by the untarnished appearance of it. It looks as if the handle is missing though.’
‘Handle?’ asked Pete.
‘The hilt of the knife. Look at the blunt end surface. It may have been jammed into a split wood and that was bound with twine to hold it place.’
‘What kind of precious metal?’ asked Hanson.
Janey looked sideways at him. ‘Platinum. I think. Well probably. It looks like a meat knife. One where you’d split the skin from the rest of it. But his must be for a ritual or special event of some kind. At least that’s one option.’ she looked towards Hanson.
‘I, err…’ Hanson gripped a photo really tightly, ‘Think we need to leave, as soon as possible. We’ll pack up early and go back to End Base. We will take everything that is still intact except the science dome. I’m sorry guys;’ here he nodded at Jared and Adam, ‘but you have to lift out the sticks you put in earlier.’
‘We’ll get right on it.’ said Jared. Adam nodded and went straight to boot up.
‘I’ll let Marcia know we’re coming when we transmit at five o’clock. I will take the sled with Janey, Jules and Nikolas. The rest of you will start walking back. I’ll drive the sled back empty and pick you up on the way. I want to make sense of this as soon as possible… so Nikolas can work with our two senior scientists on all the images. Pete you can look at the physical samples when we get back to End Base. I need results people. So let’s clear up any kit for tonight and then take dinner early.’
I had to give Hanson his due. When we were having a crisis he certainly knew how to move people in the right way and get them motivated.... just the right amount of obvious distress; coupled with a large dollop of sympathy and Machismo. We all sprang into action without any further instructions. Within half an hour we had all the temperature spikes up and Pete and I had done a sweep of the area. Janey appeared briefly and said something to Pete I didn’t hear. He took me with him and took some samples of snow and bits of the blackened wood. Then we carefully slid the reef knot thing off the spike after we pulled it out of the ground. I asked Janey what she wanted us to do with it.
‘Just bag it. And give it to me.’ Janey said in a short manner. She was closed off and sad. I longed to comfort her. I wanted to… so many thoughts crowded in. But she would rebuff every single one by her anger. After that she went inside. Pete and I walked a little way along the path. We spied Jared and Adam through the binoculars, slowly gathering the spikes.
‘Shall we go and help them?’ I asked.
‘No. we need to stay here in sight of the dome. The weather is shifting.’ he tipped his head.
I looked upwards as well. Ominous looking clouds were gathering. I looked at my watch. One thirty Pm. I’d bet on it snowing by three. Just as I thought that thought, a flake drifted down. They came down in ones and twos for the next ten minutes. During which time Jared and Adam had speeded up and reached us.
‘You were quick.’ I said to Jared.
‘You’ve seen the snow balls falling from the sky I take it. Here.’ He dumped a load of the small spikes and yards of orange cord in my arms. ‘Take it inside. We can get up the last two with Pete.’
I got in the doorway with a bit of difficulty and dropped the small spikes into the floor. I supposed all this meant I would be going home. I felt totally ambivalent about it. It was like being told your least favourite relative is visiting and then has had to cancel. The expected presents would probably not be forthcoming. I sighed rather dramatically as Jared and the others came in from the outside.
‘Weight of the world on your shoulders?’ Jared festooned with big flakes looked relieved.
'Not really. I just don't know if I want to go home yet.'
Jared looked sharply at me. He stripped off his snow gear and hung it to dry. 'How long have you been feeling like this?' he seemed hesitant. Maybe he thought I would get angry. But too many lost arguments with Alex had taught me to save it for the more willing victim. Besides, I liked Jared. He was capable, and fair minded. I actually couldn't remember. I thought of consulting the journal, but then realised I'd deliberately left out any reference to how I had been feeling. Sod my paranoia! I resolved from now on to write the rest.... the flipside to the facts. Jared was staring at me. I wondered why.
'Davey? What is going on with you?' Jared yanked me back to the here and now. I stared at my socks.
'It's..... It's like this, I am... I mean I was thinking about it, going home I mean. But now...'
'Oh no... .’ Jared said softly, 'not you as well.'
'Not me as well what?'
'Listen,' Jared said barely above a whisper, 'I am going to get us home. I promised myself before I set out I would do that. Whatever happens after today. However crazy it gets...'
'Why Jared, what's everyone so scared of?'
'That's it Davey; they're not nearly scared enough. You see... This sort of thing has happened before.'
'What has?'
'All of it. Things disappearing. Equipment looking like it's been at the bottom of the ocean for decades. Janey is the first science leader to get this far without something happening.'
'But Janey never said anything!'
'Shh... Everyone is here for answers. They all want to beat the odds. They all want to get out here and find the key to the mystery of this place. It's driving them all crazy... I mean really crazy. But they keep coming back because they can't help it. The ones that last the longest are the ones that don't see the visions straight away. They can do one or two trips after that, tops. The sooner it starts happening the less time they've got.'
'And then what? What happens if you don't stay away?'
'If they manage to pass the psyche evaluation, if they can convince the committee that they're fit, well then that person does one of two things...'
'Which are?'
'You meet some sort of end out here.'
'You mean dead?' I tried not to strangulate the last word to a squeak.
'I didn't say that.'
'Oh... Well then?'
'Or they just tell everyone they're fine. They don't admit to seeing anything. They don't entertain one thought of giving up until it's over.'
'But why? What's so important?'
'We're all scientists Davey. Why? You really need to ask that? But there's another reason. I know what Marcia told you. But there was something she left out.'
'But she...? '
'It's not her fault. Marcia told you all she can. The rest is too confused. The only way you can understand is to see it for yourself.'
'See what?'
'What is beyond the rope. Outside of the prescribed area: I don't know what everyone finds because it's different for each one. The closest I can get to explaining it is that what you see depends on you, and perhaps who you are with.'
I was struggling with this... 'So what you mean is that if I wanted to find out for... Myself,' I swallowed and hesitated; 'then I would have to go outside soon; before nightfall. I would have to take some rope so I didn't get lost... And be back before anyone missed me.'
'Of course I'm not suggesting that. In fact I'd personally advise against it. But for some it's the only way to stop going mad; and to find some peace. It depends what kind of person you or me, or anyone else is. You never told me what you do see...'
'I am sort of....’ Jared held up a hand to stop me.
'I don't want to know. You just deserve more than Hanson can give you.'
'What about him anyway? Does he see anything?'
'Apparently not; but then again, who can say?' He was watching me for some sort of reaction, maybe. I noticed that he had intense dark blue eyes. They were always watching, watching people, taking in the landscape and strange plants, and each little change and shift of the weather.
He had certainly got a point. I remembered Hanson that other night looking perturbed. But that didn't necessarily mean anything. In his position it was essential that he was "clean" from the point of view of the group back at Base.
'Davey. Don't worry. If you don't tell them they'll never know.' He was still looking at me intently.
'Ok Jared. And thanks for the advice.'
'Don't be late for dinner ok.' he got up and left for the main space. I sat alone debating with myself. I looked to the left: warm place; perhaps a pack of cards to shuffle; a bit of light banter. And then to the right: cold, snow, daylight going, visibility rubbish. Plus: going into a place that was extremely creepy, and probably fairly high on the weird scale of things that can happen in one day. I looked at the floor. The pile of pegs, and the orange cord so new. Only used briefly once. I started to unclip the small stakes and wind it onto a big nylon bobbin thing. I thought about Janey, and then about Alex. I thought about my mother's cat watching me. And I was swaying in the balance between two strong yet opposing forces.
Suddenly it crumpled in on itself. I wanted to sit down and be (relatively) warm. I wanted to set off home tomorrow. I wanted to eat two lots of pudding and then drink coffee and play cards. I didn't want to think about mysteries that were too big for me. And knowledge that was outside the scope of my expertise. I tucked the end of the cord in and realised simultaneously that I had been about to consider something that required a huge dollop of bravery way beyond anything I had ever in fact exhibited. I was about to be disappointed with myself when I caught the fact that it hadn't been dismissed with a horrified abruptness. I was finding myself quite reasonable in thinking about the options. I had dismissed it not, as I first supposed on grounds of fear, but of desire. What I desired most of all, right now, was an end to the journey. I imagined unpacking my bag and phoning my mother. If there was an edge over which madness lay; I had taken a peek and carefully lowered myself back down this same side. It was the side I belonged on. I didn't feel proud of myself. Or even sorry to be the coward I always was... I was relieved. I consciously relaxed my shoulders, and then put the coiled drum of cord away. Perhaps it wasn't cowardice. Perhaps, I thought with a flash of brightness in my mind, it takes real courage to make a decision that denies ones baser instincts, and calls upon better principals. The love of family and home might not be the highest cause, but it certainly ranked above satisfying one's voracious curiosity.
Half an hour later all my self-reflection was wiped from my mind. Janey was cross. She got out her notes and spread them out. She chewed on a pencil while we were playing cards, and intermittently flipped backwards and forwards to different pages in a way that made the pages crinkle and crunch quite loudly. It reminded me of my Dad reading the Sunday papers when he wanted to be left alone. Eventually she went to fetch something from the kitchen area and Hanson picked up her notebook and put it to one side.
'What the Hell do you think you're doing?' Janey looked like she was about to go for Hanson's Jugular. Surprisingly from my point of view he stepped back with a look of shock.
'You have no right! You know that! I am science leader here and what I found could change everything. Everything!'
'And what is it that you did find?' asked Hanson deliberately taking a sheaf of forks and walking round the table to place one right next to the hardback book, 'What have you done that is so special?' Hanson put down another fork on the other side of where the cloth bound spine lay, 'Tell me Janey... What have you got that sets you above the rest?'
Janey's face was a mask of controlled rage. When she spoke her voice was low and soft and dripped with venom: 'Nothing... Nothing at all makes me any different from all those other brilliant scientists.' she picked up her precious volume of notes and documents, 'but one thing does set me apart. I still managed to do everything that I needed to do, even when I had to put up with YOU!'
I could feel everyone tense up. They looked from one to the other. Jared looked like a referee at a boxing match does, when he's about to pull the opponents apart. If Curly Pete had been a puppy he would have hidden behind something with his paws over his ears. Everyone else apart from those two looked shocked, with the exception of one person; Jules sat leaning backwards with his arms folded, almost as if he was watching a play. He seemed amused. It scared me, as if he had somehow manoeuvred the players into position.
Hanson held Janey’s gaze and put down another fork, and then another. He put both hands flat on the table; ‘I suppose it’s just as well that this is your last trip.’ He kept looking at her, and she at him. She didn’t flinch or blink. Eventually Hanson turned away. Janey left and went into the prep room. I was about to go after her. Jared kept me in my seat with a firm hand on my shoulder.
‘Not a good time to make it obvious is it?’ he said in my ear, ‘Wait until everyone’s distracted.’ he let go of me. I went to the small kitchen space and made coffee. I put two sugars in. I carried it back into the main area. Hanson was nowhere to be seen. Jared, Curly and Adam had started a game of cards. Nikolas was carefully cleaning some camera equipment. Jules got up as I came in and went to the kitchen area. I remembered it was his turn to make dinner. I also remembered I was supposed to be helping him. I had to make this quick.
I found Janey curled up on a seat with her project book in her lap. She looked up at me and smiled.
‘Coffee,’ I said, ‘For you.’
‘Thanks.’ her voice was steady, composed.
‘What happened in there?’ I hoped I wasn’t being too pathetic.
‘Davey… you really don’t need to be so protective of me. I know what’s happening. I know that when things get bad everything starts to fracture. I just helped to focus everyone’s mind a little.’
‘You mean that was all for show?’ I began to seriously not understand women.
‘No…. Davey, it’s not like that. Hanson is…’ she lowered her voice, ‘he’s losing it Davey. He’s started seeing things; lots of things, things that aren’t there; things that are; things that could be there if the circumstances were different.’
‘Janey,’ I tried to sound a bit firm but not too much, ‘why was I picked? Out of all the candidates; why me? I’m not part of this. I never was. Why did Hanson pick me?’
‘It’s simple. You are not one of the University people. There was no possibility that you could influence the experiment from the outset.’
‘Experiment? What experiment?’ I was talking rather loudly now.
‘Shh… Please!’ she looked suddenly desperate.
‘Ok.’ I sat down opposite her, ‘tell me what I need to know for now; before I’m called into the kitchen with Jules.’
‘Ah! Dinner,’ said Janey as if she’d forgotten what it was, ‘I better not keep you.’
‘No way
.’ I said, ‘You’re going to tell me. Because if you don’t I’m going to get my kit on and go out there and find out what it is that makes you all go so crazy. I might be an idiot… in fact I am one. But I know when enough is enough. This has gone far enough. And this time I’m going to have the facts, not rely on some other munchkin to tell me how it is…’
Janey regarded me for a moment. I’d surprised myself with my forthrightness and was prepared to be as stubborn as hell while my present mood lasted. She shut the book.
‘The people who come out here never really go back. I mean some part of them… some alternative version of themselves lives a different experience to the one who returns.’
‘Like Aiden?’ I hoped I’d hit the nail on the head. Janey looked pained when his name was mentioned. ‘No,’ she said, ‘but I’ll come back to that after I tell you something else first.’
‘Alright,’ I said more calmly and shifted in my seat.
‘I have been on eight trips. And I never remember how I got back. Just that I did. There’s always a bit missing. Sometimes it’s like you remember it backwards from the moment you’re in. You go back through what just happened and know what was there. But it’s as if you didn’t actually live through it until you remember it. The reason why people like me and Jules keep coming is that one day we hope to make sure all versions of ourselves return. We are, if you like, looking for ourselves. At each point where things divide. Where a different decision is made, there is a possibility that it can be put right this time. The outcome can be changed. Do you see?’
‘No. But do go on.’
‘Well take Nikolas for example. He doesn’t see things. That is until the ice lake. The day you were with him, remember?’
‘Yes. What of it.’
‘You saw it. So did he. So you are already affected. That’s why Adam told you to make this your last trip. Your One and Only. He was trying to help you.’
‘He doesn’t see anything?’
‘Not as far as anyone knows.’ Janey seemed calmer now, and here voice lost its anxious edge, ‘Well the one way to make sure that the University people can get their data is to send new people every time. They’ll send all of us because we lied to them about things. This brings me to Aiden. He was the anomaly you see. They didn’t know what to do with him. Firstly, he wouldn’t agree to keep his mouth shut. He swore he’d spill the beans on the research. He even threatened to go to the Americans with it. He thought they would believe him. But before he got the chance they seemed to cave in. He was sent out with a spike in the mix.’
