by A M Russell
Then I thought of that kiss. And I was undone. It meant something, even if it did not lead to anything. To have the memory of that…. but not the reality? This was a place where reality could fade like a dream. But the dreamer had control of the reality. In a dream where you could do anything. I was cold. I wanted to be warmer, in my bed at home. Even the cramped little space at Base. Even there I could pad into the plastic kitchen and get some chocolate biscuits. And Janey might be there. I wanted to go home. To tear up the stupid letter and refuse to take the trip….
Wait a minute! I did go back, that night the weather was against us. The Tequila… being drunk. What did I do? Think!
I tensed myself ready for the truth. I looked at the letter that night. I was puzzled. But too drunk to be angry. Next morning with a rotten head…. I took the transport back to the city limits. Then a normal bus. I went home and had coffee and sat in the garden. What else happened? There was a letter. I collected it from the mat. Official looking. I put it on the table. I went to work. Later I put it on the mantel piece. But I had not opened it. I had tea, sardines on toast, and sliced gherkin; I always had a thing for pickles. Then....Well I think I left it there. Or maybe put it on my desk with a couple of paid bills. It was from the University; just like the letter in my pack at Base. I thought they might have sent me the same thing twice: admin error, that sort of thing. I was supposed to already be there at the time after all. Perhaps it didn't mean anything. Then there was something else, when I went back to Base. Something.... It was so hard to recall. Yes. We weighed in our personal effects. Mine was a tad too heavy. I had a diary... A normal one for appointments, that sort of thing. I flipped it open and made a note on the day it was to be put it in the locked box. They were coded by us. We chose an alphanumeric sequence. Anything that we couldn't take went in the box. It stayed in there until we were to leave Base to go home. Curly Pete told me there was a pair of socks among his stuff. They had swear words on them in German. Clearly the staff had no sense of humour. Especially Doctor Reynolds who did the physical, he was known for his stiffly formal attitude. He only stayed a while and wasn't at Base when we left. "Back to the city to finish off his patients by boring them to death" - that was Curly's assessment.
The Psychiatrist was a charming attractive woman, who was easy to underestimate. You sat down for a chat, and when you thought you were about to get round to the actual clinical bit, it was already over. She smiled very sweetly then, and nodded for you to leave. She read all the reports that were sent back. "Call me paranoid, but I think she's keeping an eye on us!" - Curly again.
There were a lot of staff, engineering, technical, research people -a strange bunch who prowled around in lab coats and never were seen at parties. They had, under George’s expert supervision created the tags. I suppose I should be grateful for the several hundred pounds worth of science research and micro circuitry around my neck; but honestly it made me feel just like a dog. But the day I got the tag was the day I put my diary in the box. September the Twenty Sixth. I recalled what I put there too…. Stupid and offhand: “Signing off now. When you dig this up can you let my Mum know? She’d like the cross back!” I was referring to the cross and chain I had to leave behind too. No personal metallic objects were allowed. I was a bit contradictory, since things like wedding rings, small hoop earrings and watches were passed as ok. No one was married as far as I knew so it was mostly irrelevant. But I did feel a bit funny about it, even while I saw the logic of the situation. George said that we had to keep any density of metal to a minimum because it could distort the readings on the tags. Something about the whole place fuzzed up wireless signals of any kind. I reckoned it was to do with those magnetic nodes. I honestly didn’t have enough knowledge to understand any of it. I was pretty sure that things like that were bound to have an effect. My watch was running fine as far as I could tell. And no-one else had complained.
After we left our little remnants of our civilian life behind, we went to check on our suits and make sure everything fitted. It wasn’t something I questioned at the time but I wondered about Janey wearing Jules’ suit that other night. I suppose it was because she needed to sneak around unnoticed.
Then the last thing. I strained with it; like trying to move your foot when it has got pins and needles. You want to move, you know you must. But it twinges like mad when you do. I was thinking about everything but that one thing. I was getting stressed with an inhibition so strong it nearly choked me. I forced it out into the open. Circled round and pounced on it when it couldn’t dodge away from me again. Like having an injection and watching the needle go in; it was there… but mentally I was turning away, trying to choose to not notice what I did know. I knew so well. Why? Why would they do such a thing? I was in the medical room that led to a corridor. It didn’t have much in it. Just a chair and a table. The Psychiatrist came in with her kit box. I sat in the chair…. Then:
No! Come back…
She asked me something. I replied “Yes”. Then something else I said “No”; she was satisfied. She asked me to hold out my right arm. There was a syringe thing in a case. The words became watery then. Echoing inside my head. I felt a momentary sharp pain. Then….. Then…. There was something missing. A gap. But it was there. I was just skipping the track. I was hopping past it. I remembered something else. The smell. Like marzipan. Or resin; for violins. Was it a smell of me? I looked down. A tiny mark. In my memory I saw it. Like the time I burned my arm in the oven shelf making bread (the bread was absolutely fine).
Suddenly I was back in the moment. The here and now. The faint glow of the night light gave a dimension to the world. And outside the wind howled and roared. I burrowed myself deep inside my sleeping bag. Right inside the seam was a tiny light. I felt for it and clicked. I folded back and pushed up the cotton sleeve. I saw my arm smooth, unmarked. I looked at it unbelieving. I chewed on this for a while. They say that you cannot actually remember pain. But I did this pain. It cut through some fogging of the mind. Something had happened to me. Or perhaps to all of us. Before we set off. It could be just now… how everything going on now had destroyed my sense of perspective. It could be the thinness of the air, or the recent destruction of a lot of our science equipment. It was driving us all to the edge. I was playing chicken I thought, just like everyone else. Let’s see who admits to cracking first.
*****
Ten
By Eleven the next morning we had heard nothing from the End Base. Not a sausage. The frigid wind had died downed to the occasional gust. There were those towers of cloud that could explode over us at any moment. But Jared simply said ‘Time to move.’ and we broke camp within record time. Adam was keeping his eye on two things; the sky, and the route we had travelled on yesterday. There was a dogged air of determination to get to End Base as soon as practically possible. Curly was subdued. He was breathing on the bottle. The rest of us covered our mouths but needed only the goggles. The snow was deep. Hard going; there was no likelihood of the sled being sent to us. This wasn’t compact enough. And there were dangerous drifts and hollows. The coating of white stuff had obliterated every land mark except those big lonely rounded rocks. They had caps on them, from which chunks occasionally broke off and landed below with a huge splat. We needed to avoid getting too close to them so we didn’t get buried as well. I tried to recognise land marks. I was usually very good at navigating. I never got lost as a general rule. But the whole place was transformed. If someone had told me we were walking up the wrong valley I’d have believed them. I felt tired even as we set out. The stress of worrying about existential concerns was being sobered by the real and much more immediate threat of a cold death. Curly Pete was struggling, and it had started to snow again. I looked back. There was no sign of our footsteps down the valley. Ten minutes and they were softened in half an hour they would be gone. God bless the big egg rocks! They were our sign posts. As long as we kept walking we would reach the End Base dome. I thought of Marcia’s Hot Dinners with a lust
that can only be appreciated in this terrible place. It was only the advanced technological marvel of our protective clothing that stopped frostbite from setting in. Jared had the thermometer on his pack strap. He began checking it more often. I didn’t want to know what it said. But I knew I ached to rest. I wasn’t cold, far from it, I was working hard to keep going, a steady rhythm of one foot in front of the other, which pumped the heat generated around my whole body. But I still knew that stopping was the fatal thing to do in this place.
We walked on and on. Jared led but swapped me to back position, as I was getting my second wind and the others were flagging slightly. There was an understanding between Jared and me that was growing. He didn’t even need to say anything when he wanted me to move. I knew to take the back position, and protect the other two. Jared looked at the gauge again. The snow was thicker. I looked up. I was that horrible cloud that I remembered from the time in the transport. Everything went very still; the flakes were coming straight down. Bigger and fluffier and thicker than I thought possible. Fortunately we’d already roped together. I couldn’t see Jared then. In front of me Adam was stumbling. I hooked my arm under his and pulled. He was free. We were moving to the left. We practically walked into a tree, snapping some of the brittle crisp branches. We were wading through a drift that seemed so deep we were almost swimming through it. And then with a sharp tug and a cry I was rolling and tumbling forward, half dragged by the weight of the others. I felt us crash through a load of branches. Something struck me across the face like a whip. It stung badly, and I reflexively shut my eyes.
We were some where dark. And to judge by the dull sound of laboured breathing, in some sort underground hollow. It was Jared who spoke first. ‘Davey? Adam? Pete?’
‘Ouch!’ said Curly Pete
‘Still here!’ said Adam in a surprised tone.
‘I think something hit me in the face.’ I said.
There was a sound of movement. The next thing Jared held a torch aloft. We were indeed in a hollow. Just behind and to the right of me if I twisted my head I could make out a faint patch of cold daylight. There were tree roots silhouetted against it, some of the pieces had pulled down with us and were tangling round our legs. Adam and Curly set about freeing us.
‘Let me see.’ said Jared.
They got me under the light.
‘Is it bad?’ I asked.
‘You’re cut down your cheek. We need to get the med pack out and treat it straight away. Curly, get the small lamp out of my pack will you.’
Adam got the antiseptic wipes and cleaned it up. Jared looked at it and carefully applied the dressing. It started to sting very badly indeed a few moments later. They were getting out the bottles and canisters for a hot brew.
I must have been groaning because Jared said: ‘For goodness sake give him a shot.’
Adam found a small case in the pack. I knew what it was. Colour coded. This one was a combined shot for the pain and to combat any infection.
‘This the one?’ Adam asked Jared.
‘Yep. And make sure you get the whole lot in. That way he’ll be quiet for quite a while.’ Jared I felt was being inordinately unsympathetic. Then I thought how he must have felt falling down first into the dark pit with the weight of three others falling down behind.
‘Are you alright Jared?’ I said as I tried to be brave. I shivered.
‘I’m fine, thanks. Now would you like this in your arm or in your arse?’
A while later I felt mellow and mercifully free from pain. It was a smooth hit of analgesia. Followed by a relaxing warmth. Curly had roped the small tarp over our dry little hollow, the enclosed space warmed up quite a bit. Adam passed round the warm drinks and some chocolate.
‘I think you all need it.’ he said, and blew on the cup.
‘It’s for guys who need more than their current circumstances can provide.’ Curly smirked, and the others laughed.
‘Don’t be vulgar....’ I said, but it felt like my face was made of Plasticene.
‘What?’ Jared laughed again, ‘Davey likes the George special.’
‘George did that?’ Adam asked.
‘Uh, yeah! He’s a doctor. Well, he was. He thought it needed a little extra something to it. His version of a pick me up.’ Jared leaned across to me, ‘Good stuff Davey?’
‘Yes…’ I said vacantly, ‘Fantastic actually. Smashing.’ They all thought I was hilarious. I could see what was so funny.
‘We’ll stay here until the storm dies down,’ Jared said soberly, ‘and then we’ll climb out and get back in time for Marcia pulling the soufflé out of the oven.’
‘Thank the Lord for small mercies.’ said Curly, ‘I really didn’t feel like arriving like the abominable snowman.’
‘I think we need to wait a while. I’m cream-crackered.’ Adam cradled his cup with a hazy relief in his eyes.
‘As long as we need. Just until the storm drops.’ Jared took my empty mug as it began to fall from my hand. The others handed theirs to him too.
‘I’ll keep watch.’ said Curly, ‘I feel better for the cuppa.’
‘It’s ok.’ said Jared, ‘Just a little while.’
A few minutes later while the distant wind still raged, Jared looked at me again; ‘Do you feel ok Davey?’
‘Yes. Of course. What do you mean?’
‘You were crying in extreme pain. I was concerned. We need to set off as soon as we can. So that you won’t need another shot until we get to End Base.
‘Set the timer.’ said Adam.
‘That’s a good idea.’ Jared looked at his watch. ‘Let’s look at the snow and blow in half an hour.’ He set the alarm.
I let my eyes close.
It seemed only a moment later that someone was shaking my arm.
‘Come on. Davey…’
‘Hi… err Jared. What is it?’ He was looking at me in a funny way. So were the other two. The tarp was down and I couldn’t see the light from up above.
‘I’ve just spent five minutes trying to wake you.’ Jared was pulling me up. I resisted.
‘No. Now. We have to go.’
‘Davey. You need to get up and walk.’ said Adam.
I sat up. My mouth felt strange. ‘How long have I been out?’ I asked.
‘Two hours.’ said Jared, ‘Actually we all were gone for a while there. But just before you returned to us Curly; being the slimmest of you ladies has managed to wiggle back up the gap and secure a rope. So we can climb out. We have to go right now. If we don’t we’ll be stuck out here for tonight as well.’
That was enough to get me moving. I felt stiff. I wondered how long it would take the drugs to wear off. I reasoned that once we got moving they’d pump out my system a lot quicker. I was on my feet now, shrugging off the unexpected long nap. ‘Have we got anywhere with a radio link to End Base?’ I asked.
‘Get moving.’ said Jared handing me the end of the rope. ‘We’ll see about that when we get to the top and find out how far we are from the Dome.’
I could hear Curly chugging in breaths above me. With a bit of struggling I got to the top. Adam followed. Then the three of us hoisted the packs up one at time. The last one came up and Jared followed looking dusty and even more craggy than usual. Because of our recent sojourn in these outlands without as much comfort, we were all unshaven and grizzly looking. Jared it suited. Adam and Curly looked like something from a hippy commune. I felt the growth on my own chin and wondered if it was a better option. Shaving seemed like such a pointless activity.
We were in a little shaded spot behind some bushes. We had to clamber over a huge mound of snow to see where our route lay. I looked at my watch. It had stopped.
‘What time is it?’ I asked as we rather inelegantly lumbered over the icy obstacle and came out next to a big clump of those prickly trees.
‘No idea.’ said Adam.
‘It’s Six.’ said Jared and took the binoculars from Adam and scanned for the best route back. It was still and sparkling in
the fading light. The marbled surface of the ovoids still gleamed slightly darker against the sky.
‘I estimate that we are not more than an hour to camp. We actually made a lot better time than I thought.’ Jared turned to us all, ‘I’m deciding now that we don’t waste any time trying to radio Hanson. We’ll see them soon enough. If he blows his top because I haven’t followed protocol, well I’ll take it.’ he looked very hard at all of us for a moment and started walking across the nearest drift to a more level part.
The light had all but escaped from the sky. We walked over another lumpy drift. I had just begun to feel some pain, and everything, while still seeming dreamlike, had a stark, pincher like edge. Something shifted and the moon came out. It was a land of mother of pearl. I only wished I could take a picture. Tired and as in pain as I was, it appeared like the rolling crenulations of some wonderful shell. The deep blue shadows were pools of water in the night. I wanted to cry. If that was right. Because I knew I would only see it once though these eyes. I would never know that focus, that sharpness and that silence inside of me. I felt as if we were swimming in the pale luminous waves of some distant sea. If had breathed in and smelt the balm of those summer flowers I would have hardly been surprised. I had forgotten it for so many days now. That savage beauty. This place had something of the spirit of a paradise on earth. At any moment I thought I would turn a corner and see a long beach of white sand in the moon light, and hear the waves beating upon the shore. Was it enough to simply pass through this place to not plunder its secrets? To decide to tip toe among its mysteries with reverence and awe? This wide valley filled like a cup with silver light. And we were travelling on and on. I realised I was beginning to hit the exhaustion point. The pain was coming back now in lashing waves. It was with a strange and ethereal clarity that I saw our snowman suited up with an enormous hat of fresh snow. And there was a strange mound with a long low curved projection; the igloo with a huge blanket of white. It looked like a giant blob of ice-cream.
