Season of Shadow and Light

by Jenn J. McLeod

  Paige looked at a brave Matilda, Liam and Sharni on either side or her, Rory and Aiden and Alice seated behind. ‘Ready to say goodbye, sweetheart?’ she asked her daughter.

  Matilda nodded and a scraping of chair legs on wooden boards echoed in the little cottage as everyone stood.

  ‘Aiden, would you do the honours?’ Paige passed him the picture frame to carry to the prepared plot where they would stand together for a final goodbye to a truth uncovered, a connection to the past buried, and one more sad farewell for a family that had already had its share.

  Paige had spent that morning in Matilda’s room trying to explain death to her daughter. How, like her Aunty Rory had said, ‘Sometimes when hanging on means more sorrow than joy, it’s time to go.’ When Paige and Mati had done talking, faces wet and blotched red from crying, Matilda had dried her eyes, looked at Paige and said the most remarkable thing.

  ‘Can we bury Bean, too?’

  Paige had choked back the mournful sob and hugged her daughter, whispering in her ear, ‘Why sweetie? Why would you want to do that? Don’t you want Bean anymore?’

  ‘Yes.’ Her daughter picked up the tiny stuffed toy from where it rested against her bed pillow and examined the fraying seams. ‘But he’s sad and doesn’t want to be sick any more. He’s had enough of Nana Alice’s needles.’ Then she told Paige that if there was a heaven for horses, it was time for him to go where all the other horses go.

  Barely managing to hold it together, Paige told her daughter, ‘Yes, sweetie, if you’re sure. We can do that together this afternoon. All of us: you, me, Nana Alice, Aunty Rory and Aiden.’

  ‘Liam too?’

  ‘Liam too.’

  After spending time at the burial site, there was to be an informal wake where the small gathering would, according to Matilda’s diktats that morning, ‘Drink tea and eat scones, because that’s what people do.’

  Earlier, Matilda and Liam had lined a small box with one of Nana Alice’s white lace handkerchiefs and laid Bean inside. They placed the box in a small hole in the dirt beside Rijol’s final resting place. Nancy’s little painted horse from the corner paddock was finally at peace under the giant gum.

  43

  ‘That’s absolutely wonderful,’ Paige said from her vantage point atop the fence that was shaded from the sun by the colonnade of pine trees lining the driveway. ‘Great job,’ she called over the sound of Aiden driving the final nail into the new sign at the front of the property.

  Untangling and restoring the twisted wrought iron gates had been a twelve-month labour of love for them both. Banjo had helped unbuckle and re-hinge, then Eamon had helped his brother carve out a new sign using a slab of timber he’d felled and sliced up.

  ‘Not bad at all, even if I do say so myself.’ Aiden let the hammer drop, lifting the bottom of his T-shirt to wipe away the sweat from his face as he walked over to The Beast with its built-in beer cooler—Banjo’s latest addition. ‘Time for a toast.’ He lifted two beers from the homemade esky and tossed one to Paige, the woman—now business partner—he was trusting with both his money and his heart.

  ‘You do look like a bit of a princess sitting up there.’

  ‘Princess Paige, that’s me.’ The result of Rory’s name-calling that day, a year ago now, was a nickname that had stuck. Just as Aiden had once said about the local’s nicknaming tradition. And a local Paige was, now that she and Robert had agreed on a way forward.

  He’d been surprisingly acquiescent the day Paige sat him down to tell him the truth.

  ‘No more keeping secrets, Robert,’ Paige said. ‘It’s never too late to tell the truth and we have to trust our gut feelings.’

  If nothing else, her instincts remained intact.

  She steeled herself for one of Robert’s wisecracks. Instead, he’d smiled at her from across the kitchen table. Without a newspaper in sight, boyish blue eyes peered back and he smiled. ‘We’ve done real good, Paige. Between us we’ve managed to grow a beautiful little girl.’

  ‘And let her know she’s safe and treasured and always loved, no matter what.’

  ‘No matter what, I’ll always love you, too.’

  When Robert made a move to reach across the table, Paige played with her hair, knotting it, before dropping both hands into her lap.

  ‘Rob—’ she started, but he cut her off.

  ‘You said you want the truth? I’m telling you how it is. And that Meeschell thing . . . ?’

  ‘I know, Robert, it was only that one time. I believe you.’

  ‘Still, I haven’t been the husband you needed, Paige, but I have been the best one I knew how to be. That doesn’t mean I’m a bad husband. I’d rather think it means I’m not the right one for you. You used to say the same when reviewing restaurants. Not everyone is going to feel the same way about every meal.’

  ‘You were listening?’ Paige said with a smile.

  ‘Mostly,’ he returned. ‘Now that’s honest.’

  ‘Robert, I—’

  ‘Hang on, let me finish,’ he insisted. ‘I never wanted this for us. When I was young I dreamed too. I wanted the happy ever after. I don’t know what happened or when it happened but I woke up one day and we weren’t us anymore; we’d become you and me. I thought when Matilda came along things might change for the better.’

  ‘They did, didn’t they?’

  ‘Yes, for a bit, but then you became a mother while I went on being me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter with my whole heart and maybe that’s when things between us changed. I poured all my spare time into her.’

  ‘I can’t not love you for that, Robert.’

  ‘But you can’t love me after what I’ve done either.’

  ‘No. I won’t lie or stick my head in the sand any more. We don’t want the same things. Your job and the high life means everything to you.’

  ‘I can tell them no to Dubai. They can send Dabney Cox. For weeks the bastard’s been trying to weasel his way onto the team.’

  Paige shook her head. ‘You should go. You’ve worked hard for this opportunity. And if we’re being honest, your going away might help dilute the impact when I explain what’s happening to Matilda. You and I have agreed there’ll be no lying or pretending. With you away on business it might let her come to terms with your absence in her own way.’ Paige breathed a sigh of relief when Robert nodded.

  ‘So you’re really going to live full-time in that small town?’ he asked.

  Paige wanted to smile. How could she make her husband understand? The man was excited about spending six months in a cosmopolitan metropolis, the business and cultural hub of the Middle East.

  ‘For a long time I haven’t known what I want, Rob, but I can tell you living in Dubai would never be on my list. Finally I do know, and it’s not living here in Sydney either. But, Robert, whatever happens between us, you will always be Matilda’s father and we will raise her as our girl.’

  ‘I never realised how lucky I was when I married you, Paige.’

  ‘No, you didn’t. You’ll find someone. Maybe a Persian princess, or whatever they have over there.’

  ‘Hey, you, over there!’ Aiden was calling. ‘Yeah, you, Princess Paige. Are you ignoring me?’

  ‘Ah, no, I was thinking. Got snacks in that truck, my trusty footman?’

  ‘Why? Is there a cow in need of rescuing?’ He winked.

  ‘Very funny. Now, please pass me the magazine again.’

  ‘Been a while since you saw your name in print, hasn’t it?’ he said, Frisbeeing the book into her lap.

  ‘It’s our name I’m interested in seeing, you silly old goat. Southern Aurora Specialty Meats,’ she heralded. ‘Tell me you didn’t sneak a peek at the article on your way back from the post office?’

  ‘That’s silly old goat farmer, thanks. And do I come across as a person crazy enough to have peeked first?’

  ‘You did go into business with me, so . . .’ Paige chuckled as she dug her buzzing mobile phone from her pants pocket, c
hecking the caller ID. ‘Hang on. Let me answer this.’ She held the phone to her ear. ‘G’day cowgirl! How’s the villa working out?’ She winked at Aiden who was picking up discarded nails and bits of timber from the ground. ‘You did what? You finalled? Oh, you mean you won? Well, who’d have thought? Aiden’s here with me. He’s good. I’ll tell him you asked. We’re about to toast to our first feature article in Going Gourmet—a two-page spread with art. Giles’ photos are brilliant. That man can even make a goat look pretty. Yes, the least the magazine could do. My thoughts exactly. Tonight we’ll make a second toast to the first of many trophies for you and the girls.’

  The idea of Alice setting up a line-dancing group when she moved into the Cedar Grove Over 55s Resort in Coffs Harbour still blew Paige’s mind. The all-female troupe had gained their skills by entertaining the other residents. Now they’d won a state contest.

  ‘You did? I like the sound of that.’ Paige muffled the phone with her thumb and whispered to Aiden. ‘The group decided against Lesbian Line Dancers as a name. Yes, Alice, Aiden is nodding his head. We both agree a name like that might have alienated some of the audience. Rainbow Line Dancers is definitely more subtle. You do? And you’re the colour indigo? And Veronica is green? Sounds like the vista in front of me. Nothing goes together better than green grass and blue skies. You tell Veronica I said that, and that I can’t wait to meet her.’ Paige again repeated to Aiden under the cover of a whisper. ‘The costumes were a smash.’

  She resumed her telephone conversation, holding back a giggle as Aiden boot-scooted his way back to The Beast, tripping over those big non-cloven hoofs of his. Paige hoped he was fetching Chicken Twisties, remembering the first time she’d discovered some taste sensation return. She’d greedily consumed the entire packet all by herself, much to Rory’s disapproval.

  ‘Sharni and Liam? Yes, they’ve settled into the cottage. Yes, very happy with the arrangements. We both have a built-in babysitter. Mati? She’s coming down the driveway with Liam as we speak. She’s waving. It’s the anniversary of little Rijol’s farewell, so they’ve been collecting flowers this afternoon and visiting her gum tree. No, Robert is still insisting he wants Mati the entire school holidays. I get the feeling he’ll be seeing stay-at-home parenting in a very different light. Okay, Alice, we don’t need to go there.’

  Paige rolled her eyes at Aiden as he fell against the railing, reaching out a hand to whack him from his pretend sleep and forced snoring. ‘Yes, there’ll be two special Nana hugs. Yes, night times are all good, Alice. I’m sleeping like a log—truly I am.’ She smacked Aiden’s hand away from her thigh and shot an admonishing stare his way. He laughed. ‘Nope, no more two-AMs. You’d know if there were. I have to go.’ She tried holding back the giggle as she fought against Aiden’s hands, determined to drag the hem of her shorts down her thighs. ‘I really have to go. Thanks for the call. You go on and have a blast tonight. And tell Veronica I want you home early. And don’t over do things. You need to stay in good shape.’ Paige laughed again. ‘See you in two weeks.’

  ‘You bugger!’ Paige wanted to laugh as she smacked Aiden again. Instead, she cried.

  ‘Hey, come on, she sounds happy,’ Aiden said, reaching up to thumb away one tear rolling over Paige’s cheek. He grasped her hand to encourage her off the railing. Back on the ground he wrapped an arm around her. ‘What’s with the tears?’ he asked, planting a kiss to the top of her head as she nestled into his shoulder.

  ‘They’re happy tears. Happy that Alice is getting her life back and learning to have fun. It’s so good she’ll be here celebrating with us in a couple of weeks.’

  ‘You mean, checking out our work and keeping an eye on me.’ He wrapped his arms even tighter and they stood there as one, at the gates to Nevaeh.

  ‘Poor Alice.’

  What she’d put her through.

  Had Alice’s navigation skills been different that day, had Paige noticed the detour signs and taken a different road, would she be standing here enjoying Aiden’s embrace—strangers once, now so much more than friends? And all because, unlike Juma in the mall that day, Paige had stopped long enough to listen and to discover Aiden’s sad story.

  Soon they’d all discover Juma’s story. Rory had been able to trace him to not too far away at all, in Casino. Paige looked forward to meeting him in a less hostile environment, without the heart-attack-waiting-to-happen guard with the halitosis and sweat-stained shirt. Although Alice would be staying here then, so it might seem like an interrogation for the poor man. Rory might know her horses, but she had a lot to learn about Alice’s protective instincts when it came to safeguarding her herd.

  Aiden pulled back, peered over Paige’s shoulder, up the driveway to where Liam and Matilda were picking flowers, the sun setting over the mountains behind. Then he glanced in the direction of a rumble of an engine drawing nearer, craning his neck to see along the road.

  ‘Sounds like Rory’s back from Saddleton. And looks like Sharni in the passenger seat,’ he said, his gaze following the orange Charger as it propped at the entrance to the driveway.

  ‘You’ve got yourself a full house for dinner, Chef,’ Paige beamed.

  ‘Only if Rory remembered to pick up the supplies.’

  ‘I heard that and I’m not stupid, Aiden,’ she said. ‘Of course I remembered.’

  ‘You want to drive me up to the house and I’ll help you unload?’ He’d barely finished asking when Rory’s response came back loud and clear.

  ‘No thanks. Sharni and I have it under control. We’ll let you know if either of us turn into a damsel in distress. You can save your knight in shining armour routine for my sister.’

  Paige laughed as the phone in her pocket rang. ‘Here,’ she passed the mobile to Aiden, ‘you get that while I talk to Rory.’ She leaned down level with the driver’s window. ‘How did it go?’

  Rory shrugged. ‘Same crap, different day. At least I have an appetite tonight. Which delectable bit of local goat is on the menu?’

  ‘How about kidney?’ Aiden called out.

  ‘Ee-ew!’ the sisters said in unison.

  Aiden laughed. ‘Not to eat, you dag.’ He ran over and thrust the mobile phone at Rory, wiggling it inches from her face.

  ‘What? Who’s calling me on Paige’s phone?’

  ‘It’s Alice.’

  ‘Again?’ Paige quizzed.

  ‘She just got the call. There’s an operating theatre with your name on it, Rory. The date’s been scheduled.’

  ‘So they’ve found a recipient for Alice’s gift?’

  ‘I’m guessing so. That is all part of the plan—simultaneous procedures. Of course, they didn’t say who or where the other procedure will be taking place. Details about that part of the process you’ll never know. Them’s the rules.’

  ‘What do I do?’ The casual, super-controlled Rory now fidgeted like she had ants in her pants.

  ‘First you should probably take Alice’s call,’ Aiden chuckled. ‘Then get up to the house, grab that diary and write down the date. When the time comes, I’ll get Eamon to fire up the chopper.’

  44

  Alice

  There’d been no more secrets, only promises made in the weeks leading up to the paired kidney exchange transplant; a long journey for each of them. Rory, Paige and Alice sat staring out the window in a waiting room at Sydney’s Royal Prince Alfred Hospital, no doubt all with the same wish.

  To get to this point, Alice had left Nevaeh and the girls behind to return to Sydney. Things like wills needed to be re-done, cemented. Once home she had immediately contacted a former work colleague, Trudi—Trudi with an ‘i’. Meeting up with an old girlfriend after so many years, laughing about the crazy lives of student nurses, had brought an unexpected sense of levity to a serious decision. Through Trudi, Alice’s assumptions had been confirmed; that as a non-family member she’d be an unlikely donor match for Rory. When Trudi introduced Alice to Veronica Veetich, from the Australian Paired Kidney Exchange, Alice
knew what Nancy would want her to do. She hoped the girls would agree.

  ‘Are you serious, Alice?’ Rory and Paige had never looked more alike the day she broke the news, mouths agape, eyes darting back and forth from Alice to each other in disbelief.

  ‘I’m not sure why you’re so shocked. It’s what Nancy would’ve wanted. It’s what I want. I can live with one kidney. I’m not a match with you, Rory, but I can be matched to another person in need. In exchange, they’ll find a donor match for you. And if you’re thinking about arguing with me, it’s a waste of your breath.’

  ‘Trust me,’ Paige had beamed and turned to her sister. ‘Alice is telling the truth. No point arguing. She wants to do this.’

  ‘Well, surprise! I’m not going to argue,’ Rory had told them. ‘I let go of someone once who wanted to save me and I’ve regretted the decision ever since.’

  ‘You mean the man you told me about? Juma?’ Paige asked.

  ‘What decision? Who’s Juma?’ Alice had a lot of catching up to do.

  ‘He wanted to marry Rory. I told her she should try and track him down.’

  ‘I guess it wouldn’t be too difficult to find someone named Juma Mapieu.’ Rory smiled.

  ‘I think not,’ Alice said.

  ‘How do I start?’

  ‘I started with a forgotten photograph, Rory, and look where I ended up,’ Paige said, matter of factly.

  ‘I guess it might help that he’s Sudanese and well over six feet tall, and kind of gorgeous. He tends to stand out in a crowd.’

  ‘And his name’s Juma?’ Paige asked, the pitch in her voice shifting.

  ‘Juma Mapieu. He used to work with—’

  ‘The Refugee Resource Centre.’ Paige finished the sentence for her sister. ‘He did when I bumped into him. It was maybe a month or so before I arrived in Coolabah Tree Gully, but he gave me a business card.’ She reached deep inside her shoulder bag, snatched up a leather business card holder, and emptied the contents into her lap. ‘Here. I don’t know why I kept it.’