For All She Knows

by Beck, Jamie

  “We’ve got a lot in common, Mimi.” He swigged more beer. “Although the timing isn’t great, I’d like to see you again.”

  The bubbly feeling I’d had all day was worth the risk. “Me too, as long as we keep it quiet awhile longer.”

  “Understood. The next time your son’s with his dad, maybe we’ll take that ride up the coast if the weather breaks.”

  “I’ll psych myself up for it,” I promised, letting my shoulders relax.

  Before I knew what was happening, Rowan blew in through the back door thirty minutes early. I froze like a teen caught having sex. My son came to a dead stop, dropping his bag on the floor.

  “Honey, I didn’t expect you home so early.” I aimed for a nonchalant smile and tone.

  His face turned pale as milk. “Officer Martinez. Am I in more trouble?”

  Oh gosh! I almost jumped up to hug away the terror in his eyes.

  “Not at all.” Rodri waved his hands.

  Rowan’s posture relaxed, but then he frowned when his gaze landed on the beer and chips. “Then why are you here?”

  Rodri looked to me, wisely allowing me to do the talking. My whole body broke into a sweat; I wasn’t prepared for questions today.

  “He helped me paint the living room. Wait until you see it.” I rose from my chair and slung an arm around Rowan’s shoulders, eager to distract him from more questions. Not that I honestly thought I’d get away with this trick, but it would buy me another minute to gather my thoughts.

  “Why?” Rowan asked, pressing the point while shrugging free from me. Then his face screwed up in horror. “Are you two dating now?”

  The guilt of sneaking around caught up to me even though I’d done it to protect him. “We’re getting to know each other, that’s all. It’s nothing serious.”

  Not yet. And if I kept this behavior up, maybe not ever. A quick glimpse of Rodri suggested he hadn’t taken offense to my remark.

  “Whatever,” Rowan mumbled. “I’m going upstairs.”

  “Okay. I’ll need your help to move the furniture back in a little while. Maybe we can get Chinese takeout for dinner.” I couldn’t tell if he heard that last part. I hugged myself to keep the early seeds of panic from rising over how he and Dirk would react to this bombshell. Turning to Rodri, I wrinkled my nose. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to be dismissive—”

  “I get it.” He waved a hand. “I don’t want to make your life harder, so we can pump the brakes if this is too much right now.”

  The old me would’ve jumped on that and turned myself inside out to make Rowan happy, no matter what. But my needs mattered, too. There was nothing wrong or shameful about my having a date. I wasn’t exactly sure how to handle things now, and I had even less of an idea how Dirk would react when Rowan told him, but Dirk couldn’t exactly use my dating a cop against me when he was living with an adulteress.

  I would continue to look out for my son while also allowing myself to hold on to a scrap of happiness. “No, let’s not. I deserve a life. I’ll call you when I confirm Rowan’s next weekend with his dad.”

  “Okay. I’ll make myself scarce now.” Rodri leaned in nice and slow and kissed the corner of my mouth. His warm, soft lips heated the air between us. “Talk soon.”

  I touched my lips. “Bye.”

  He smiled and went out through the back door. The loud rev of his motorcycle vibrated in my chest before he pulled away.

  With a sigh, I wandered toward the stairs and trotted up to Rowan’s room. He was in bed, glued to his phone, tinny tunes radiating from his earbuds. For some reason that pissed me off. Probably because he’d been rude to Rodri and me. When I snapped my fingers in front of his face, he yanked an earbud out. “What?”

  “You were pretty rude downstairs. When we have adult company, I expect you to say hello and take five minutes to offer basic pleasantries.”

  “Sorry.” His sarcastic tone and expression piqued my anger. It always took him an hour or so to shed Dirk’s influence after his visits, but I wouldn’t abandon my mission to grow as a parent.

  “Have you done all your homework?” I stood, hands on my hips.

  “Yeah.” He started to put the earbud back in his ear.

  “Really? You finished your history paper?”

  “Yeah, Mom.” He rolled his eyes. “Why are you acting so crazy?”

  “Since when is asking questions crazy?” I sat on his mattress, frowning. I didn’t raise my son to call women things like crazy, irrational, or emotional when they asserted themselves. The fact that my patience had run thin due to the stress in my life made me normal, not crazy.

  “It’s everything. Dating the cop. Being all over me about homework and my dumb job. Not letting me go to the Poconos.” Teen pushback was normal, but it pressed on my last nerve.

  “Gee, I don’t know, Rowan. Maybe I’d relax if you realized that it’s wrong of you to run off and have fun while Carter’s still in rehab.” I gritted my teeth.

  He groaned. “Come on, that’s totally not fair. I’ve been working to pay Dad back, keeping up with school, and I was trying to help Carter until the whole lawsuit stuff happened. You can’t punish me forever.”

  I sat back, thinking. He had shown some growth these past weeks, even though he bristled now and then when I held the line. We were a work in progress, both of us learning to navigate a healthier relationship with each other. Like Grace had said, maybe I should give him more credit instead of assuming he’d turn out like his father.

  And if I wanted Grace to stop blaming me for everything, I couldn’t keep casting up his big mistake without being a hypocrite. “You’re right. I shouldn’t keep reminding you of your mistakes. I’m sorry. But in the future, I want you to be more polite to guests.”

  “Is that what you’re calling your boyfriend?” He threw me a look that said he thought I was whitewashing.

  “Rodri is not my boyfriend. Not yet, anyway. I didn’t mention him before because I don’t know where it will go. I didn’t want to involve you until I was sure it might turn into something.”

  “Will it?”

  “He’s very nice. He makes me feel good about who I am, which I could really use lately. But I’m taking things a lot slower than I did with Tony.”

  “Maybe I should go live with Dad so you can do what you want and I don’t have to be part of it,” he grumbled.

  That threat landed like an elephant on my chest. Part of me knew he needed reassurance, but the part that worried about Dirk’s threats froze with fear. Rowan and I had rarely fought, mostly because I’d rarely denied him much. Would my new attitude end up costing me my son?

  Lately life seemed like a series of forks in the road. I felt like a blind man, feeling my way along the right path. I had two choices here: live in fear of Dirk’s threat for two more years or confront it straight up.

  “Well, if that’s what you want, I won’t stop you. It might be good for you to learn to cook and do your own laundry, since I doubt he or Miranda will do much of either for you. Hopefully, you won’t have competition for your position on that high school’s football team. Can’t tell you much about its coach, though, or guess how much playing time you’ll get.” I stood and headed for the door, feeling a little shaky but determined. I hooked my hand on the doorjamb and glanced over my shoulder. “And not for nothing, but your smart-aleck comment sure sounds ungrateful. For fifteen years I’ve given you all I’ve got, yet you mutter threats instead of being happy that someone kind has given me a little bit of support during this difficult time.” I shook my head. “Dinner will be delivered in half an hour.”

  I left the room, praying that he wouldn’t come downstairs in thirty minutes with his bags packed. Thankfully he didn’t, but dinner was a quiet affair. I decided not to harp on the things I’d said earlier. Maybe this quietness was his way of processing everything.

  After dinner, he helped me move the living room furniture back into place.

  “What do you think of the color?”


  “Kinda girly, but I guess it’s okay.” He pushed the heavy mahogany coffee table back in front of the sofa.

  “I thought we could use a pick-me-up in here. A clean slate for us both.”

  He nodded but didn’t seem all that interested in sharing an HGTV moment or exploring my metaphor. “Can I go play Xbox?”

  “Sure.” Before he left, I grabbed him around the waist. “I love you, honey.”

  He gave me a brief squeeze before squirming free and taking the steps two at a time.

  Rowan was growing up and would be gone before I knew it. I loved him with my whole heart, but I couldn’t make my entire life about him. Another reason to let myself explore a relationship with Rodri.

  I sat in the kitchen and made a to-do list for tomorrow, which included a grocery run and the unpleasant task of doing my monthly finances and budgeting for the salon. Maybe I’d treat myself to a muffin and coffee at Sugar Momma’s. It wouldn’t be the same without Grace, but that didn’t mean I shouldn’t try to enjoy it all the same.

  “You look like you need seconds on your macchiato, Mimi,” Hannah called from the counter.

  I looked up from my computer, welcoming a break from studying the losses on my spreadsheet. The longer I gave discounts to drive business, the harder it’d be to return to normal pricing. “Actually, yes, that sounds terrific.”

  Hannah scooted out from behind her counter to get my cup. “How’ve you been? Haven’t seen you or Grace in here for a spell.”

  I sighed, having begun to accept that we might never come here together again. That hurt, but my shame and guilt had lessened. “I’m hanging in there, hoping for the best outcomes for Carter and the rest of us. It’s been tough, though, I won’t lie. Not sure anything will ever be the same. I only hope whatever the new normal looks like, we mend fences.”

  “Me too, Mimi. Wish I had some answers for you. It ain’t much, but how about a pistachio muffin on the house to give you a little boost?” She grinned.

  “Oh, that helps plenty, Hannah. Thanks.” I filled with gratitude.

  “Coming right up.” She took my empty mug and returned to her counter.

  Before I dug back into my spreadsheet, the bell above the shop door jingled as Sam walked in. He stopped upon seeing me, then nodded with the kind of smile one gives an acquaintance before he proceeded to the counter. I knew he was only obeying his lawyers’ orders, but it stung a little anyway.

  My legs started to jiggle. I stared at my laptop while debating begging him for news of Carter’s progress. My gaze kept darting to his back. Did I dare? After he paid, I couldn’t stop myself. “Sam!”

  He paused before stepping closer to my table, yet remained stiff and at a short distance. “Good morning, Mimi.”

  “Hi.” Despite a cold sweat, I aimed for a neutral expression. “Listen, I know we aren’t supposed to talk, but I’ve been praying for good news about Carter ever since hearing about his setback. Is he getting better? I’m hoping he’ll be coming home soon . . .”

  Sam’s face fell and his grip tightened around the to-go bag. “Well, an emotional setback affected his physical progress. We’ve taken some steps to address it, so we’re hoping for the best, but it could take a couple more weeks. It’s been hard.”

  He was blinking more than normal, probably staving off tears. I couldn’t hide mine.

  “Oh, Sam. I’m sorry. So, so sorry.” I hung my head. Poor kid was probably depressed, frustrated, and lonely as hell.

  “I know you are,” he said quietly.

  I looked up in surprise.

  “Thank you.” I stared at him. Like with Grace, the weight of his worry had aged him. It would be tough to bear up under that pressure. I was scared about my finances, but at least my kid was healthy and reasonably happy. Carter’s setback probably upped the costs on their end, too. Sorrow filled my chest until it hurt to breathe.

  Did he or Grace know what Carter had said to Rowan, and that it could kill their case? I couldn’t lessen Carter’s pain, but I could offer Sam a little hope, so I chose my words carefully. “I know we aren’t supposed to talk about the lawsuit, but . . . well . . . so you know, I didn’t tell the lawyers about Carter’s and Rowan’s conversations.” I kept my gaze even and as friendly as possible, despite every muscle in my body contracting in anticipation of his reply.

  His brows rose before he glanced around as if checking to see who might overhear us. Fortunately, it wasn’t crowded. “I appreciate that, Mimi. I suspected as much, to be honest. What I most want is to settle things soon so we can all begin to heal. Grace seems to be coming around, too.”

  “Really?” My heart burst open to think she took my advice about Sam. I wanted her family to survive. And maybe if it did, the door would remain open to me, too. The possibility brought fresh tears to the surface. “I’d love for that to happen. I’ve missed her.”

  “I know she’s missed you even if she hasn’t shown it.” He glanced at the clock over the door. “Are you okay?”

  “As good as can be, I suppose. My business took a beating this month, though.”

  “Did it?” He frowned.

  “Yeah. I’m trying to figure out how to stop the bleeding and buy myself time to find new customers.” I shrugged and made a weak gesture toward my screen.

  He set down his to-go bag on my table. “Let me take a quick look. Maybe I can come up with some creative accounting suggestions.”

  “Really?” Before he had a chance to change his mind, I turned the screen toward him. For a few seconds it felt like the old days, when asking Sam for help came easy. “Thank you.”

  He nodded and narrowed his eyes, clicking through various line items.

  I let myself daydream that by summer I’d be sitting here with Grace again, which filled me with nostalgia that wrought a tender smile. Then the bell above the door jingled again, and in walked Grace. With the rush of hope I’d conjured, I smiled.

  Her gaze darted from me to Sam’s back and stuck there. Her cheeks got red as she stared at him, positively crestfallen, although he had no idea. The bubble of hope that had been rising inside popped, leaving me on the verge of new tears. I felt even sorrier for Sam, who’d apparently been deluding himself about her attitude.

  “Um, Sam,” I mumbled. “Grace just walked in.”

  He whipped around. “Grace.”

  “How could you?” She shook her head before marching back out the door.

  My body went cold. Once I pulled the daggers from my chest, I stole a quick look at Hannah, who pretended not to be paying attention.

  Sam grabbed his to-go bag. “Sorry, Mimi. I can’t stay. But if you email this to me, I’ll take a look and send you any recommendations.”

  “No, thanks, Sam. I don’t want to come between you and Grace any more than I have, but you’re sweet to offer.” Watching my friend take a hammer to her marriage crushed me as much as her killing our friendship did.

  He nodded before dashing after his wife.

  I covered my face with my hands and inhaled slowly. Hannah showed up at my table and set a fresh latte and pistachio muffin in front of me, although my appetite was now gone. “You gotta give it more time, is all.”

  “Thanks, Hannah.” I forced a big bite of muffin to stave off a crying jag brewing from the whiplash of dashed hopes and Carter’s lengthy recovery. “These sure are delicious. Someday you need to tell me your secret.”

  “Only when I retire, Mimi. Only when I retire.” She smiled and wiped down an empty table on her way back to the counter.

  I covered my face as if closing my eyes would erase what had just happened with Sam, Grace, and me. Nothing I’d done since that fateful night had made a difference. Given the severity of Carter’s injuries, I’d been kidding myself to think that we would someday return to normal.

  Unable to focus on my damn spreadsheet, I checked my email. My breath caught for the second time this morning when I saw Dirk’s name in my inbox. Ever since he’d first threatened me about this custody stuff,
he’d taken to writing to me, as if I wouldn’t realize he hoped to create a record of our conversations to use against me in court.

  Mimi,

  Dating the cop who arrested our son? Didn’t see that coming—not real sensitive to Rowan, is it? Under the circumstances, you really ought to cooperate with me. I’m planning to pick up Rowan on Friday after school and will return him Sunday night. We can do a trial run of my proposed custody modifications this spring and then make decisions about summer. Given the drinking party debacle, recent arrest, and your new boyfriend, it seems like the less of Rowan’s free time you need to monitor, the better. Don’t make me file a petition. I’d hate to bother people like Grace to testify, and I don’t think you want to cause that family more trouble, do you?

  Dirk

  I set the phone facedown and took three shaky breaths, drowning in defeat. How many times would I get kicked in the teeth? How big a price did I have to pay to make up for my mistakes? If I were at home, I might’ve thrown my cup against a wall and screamed to release my frustration and fear.

  Rowan must’ve been more upset about Rodri than he’d let on. That surprised me, because we’d always been honest with each other. For his sake, maybe I ought to cooperate with Dirk. It’d be awful to make Rowan a pawn in our fight. I couldn’t afford to fight Dirk in court, and although Grace had previously said she wouldn’t get involved in my family drama, that was before Carter’s setback and her catching Sam talking to me. Now all bets were off.

  The weight of losing everything—my son, my business, my friend—pressed from all sides, cornering me. Rowan’s face flickered—at four, at ten, and now. I wasn’t ready to be less of a mother to my son already. And Dirk’s dig at Rodri made me bitter about the idea of caving in.

  My indignation ignited. No matter how this turned out, Dirk had no right to insinuate that I hadn’t been a good mother these past five years while he’d stood on the sidelines. I also wouldn’t pretend I didn’t deserve a love life after he’d run off with Miranda in the middle of our marriage. Sure, I’d made mistakes, but so did every mother I’d ever met, including my own. Dirk had started to take a serious interest in his son only this past month, so screw him.