The Roof is on Fire

by Brenda Hampton

  “One hundred and fifty what?” I yelled. “Are you kidding me?”

  He had the audacity to put up his hand, displaying the numbers. “Five. Two. Fifty-two and the meter is still runnin’.”

  “And I’m going to be running in a minute as well because that is too much money. Besides, I can’t seem to find my wallet. Did I leave it on the backseat?”

  Yep, he was playing me like a fool, but please Don’t Even Go There because I could play him so much better. I opened the back door and bent over to feel the floor, as if I was searching for my wallet. Roc was getting a clear view of what to expect when he hit it from the back, and without any panties on, I bent further over.

  “I don’t know what happened to my wallet. Are you sure you didn’t see it?” I said to the driver.

  “No, I didn’t see yo wallet, but you need to get my money or else there’s about to be some trouble.”

  See, he just pissed me off. Some men hadn’t a clue where to draw the line. Was he really going to beat my ass because I didn’t have the money? No. I eased out of the backseat and closed the door.

  “Unfortunately, I can’t find my wallet,” I said with a shrug. “Either you can call the police or overcharge some of your other customers to make up the difference.”

  “Or, I can get out of this taxi and fuck you up. That’s what I’m about to do!”

  He swung the door open and hopped out of the taxi like he was trained by Bruce Lee. Broken leg, my ass. I didn’t have to say one word because my baby daddy was right there to intervene.

  “What’s up, old school?” Roc asked as he stood over the taxi driver in a very intimidating manner. “Why you out here tryin’ to rip this woman off? You didn’t even want to help her with her bags, and now you disrespectin’ her over some money? She said she lost her wallet, so nothin’ else needs to be said.”

  The taxi driver backed away from Roc, but I stood close behind him in case something popped off. If anyone was going to get cut, it wasn’t going to be me. Baby daddy was going down by himself.

  “Look, man, just get this broad to give me my money. After that I’m out of here. If not, I’m gon’ have to call the police. If I have to go that route, things will get ugly.”

  Maybe so because baby daddy looked like the kind of brother who probably had warrants. I didn’t want him to get arrested, so I tried to compromise with the foolish taxi driver by offering him twenty dollars. “Here,” I said, handing the bill to him. “It’s all I have. Take it or leave it.”

  He reached inside of the taxi for his phone. “Fuck this shit. I should’ve called the police from the get-go.”

  “Dialin’ the police means some blood may have to be shed,” Roc said. “So think before you act. I don’t have any dollars on me right now, but give me yo address and I’ll mail the rest to you later.”

  It was obvious that Roc was gangsta, but there was no need for blood to shed. The old man pondered what to do and then all of our eyes shifted to a triple-black Mercedes with tinted windows. We could barely see who was inside, but when the passenger-side door swung open, I staggered backward and almost fell on my ass. Baby daddy had a twisted look on his face and the taxi driver stared as if he wished he were a woman. Almost in slow motion, a light-skinned brother with dark shades shielding his eyes emerged from the car. The smell of money was blowing through the air and we all inhaled it. He knew he was the shit and the ones who never smiled always had a big ego. I surely wanted to ignore him, but couldn’t. He threw up the deuces sign to the driver and the driver backed away to leave. Professionally dressed like I was, the tailored navy suit he wore couldn’t be duplicated. It had to be made specifically for him and the way it clung to the frame of his body was breathtaking. From the tip of the natural curls in his hair, to those shiny, black shoes that hit the pavement as he swaggered forward, he was flawless.

  “I hope I’m not too late,” he said, looking directly at me behind his stare. He was still at a short distance, but I was speechless, until baby daddy cleared his throat.

  “Too late for what?” Roc asked. “Ain’t too much of nothin’ happenin’ yet.”

  Shiiiit, baby daddy needed to speak for himself. There were a whole lot of things happening—inside of my coochie, of course. I was too ashamed to elaborate.

  As Mr. Handsome came closer, he moved like a theme of music played in his head. His eyes gave me an intense stare down, and when he pulled his shades away from his face, I felt like his addictive steel-gray eyes were firing bullets from an AK-47. His gaze was so powerful that it sent shockwaves throughout my entire body. Sadly, I could feel a slow drip of sweat sliding down my forehead. Get it together, Chase, now! Never let a man see you sweat or else you’re screwed! Right about now, getting screwed wasn’t a bad idea.

  “Nothing happening,” Mr. Sexy said to me, ignoring Roc altogether. They both were checking me out and that was a good thing. “If ain’t nothing happening, why is everybody outside looking irate?”

  The taxi driver couldn’t wait to speak up. “I dropped her off at this house, and she left me out here, sittin’ in the car for at least thirty minutes. When she came back, I told her that she had to pay up. She got mad, and the next thing I know, this man out here yellin’ and threatenin’ to hurt me for only doin’ my job. I don’t want no trouble from nobody, but this cheap bitch done tried to get over on me. If she don’t pay up, I will call the police.”

  “First of all,” Roc said, preparing his defense for me. “Get yo time straight because she wasn’t inside for no thirty minutes. If you had not lied to her about your leg bein’ broken, this wouldn’t even be no problem. Fess up and admit to your laziness. I wouldn’t pay you one damn dime either, so why don’t you go ahead and call the police?”

  I surely didn’t want the cab driver to do that, only because the police might force me to pay the money. I hurried to speak up and was thrilled that Roc had already tried to make my case. “There’s no need to call the police, but you need to cut what I owe you in half. Roc is right. I wasn’t inside for thirty minutes and you’re the one who is trying to get over.”

  The cab driver wasn’t trying to hear what we were saying. He kept going on and on, and he even called me another bitch. I was about ready to let him have it, but then Mr. Handsome spoke up for me.

  “Naw, she ain’t no cheap bitch,” the sexy man answered in my defense. “She too fine to fit into that category. But I agree—somebody definitely needs to pay you your money.”

  “That’s all I’m sayin’,” the taxi driver said, mean-mugging me.

  Next thing I knew, Mr. Handsome reached into his pocket and pulled out a wad of cash that was barely secured with a diamond money holder. He flipped through three hundred dollars and gave it to the taxi driver.

  “Problem solved,” he replied to the driver. “Now jet before you catch a beat-down from this beautiful woman you done pissed off, or from thug lovin’ who I know wouldn’t mind putting his foot in your ass.”

  “All day, every day, especially when I feel a muthafucka is out of line,” baby daddy shot back. But his comment was directed at the really cute one. All he did, though, was snicker and smooth walk his way toward the front door.

  “Preciate you, bruh!” the driver shouted. “You are my kind of nigga!”

  Mr. Sexy turned around, giving his head a slight tilt. He stroked his goatee and his eyes looked to be shooting real bullets at the driver who had obviously said the wrong thing. “My name is Jaylin Rogers. I don’t go by no other name and calling me anything else will get you disrespected. You’ve been warned.”

  Well damn! I hoped he wouldn’t be that upset when I referred to him as my baby daddy. At this point, I was confused about who I wanted to proudly wear that title. The driver threw his hand back and rushed back into the taxi. He sped off in a hurry. All I could think about was rewarding both of these handsome men for all that they’d done for me already. While observing Roc’s backside as he walked in front of me, I was so sure I would be able t
o come up with something spectacular for my new room/playmates.

  She was sexy and pretty—check. Nails done—check. Smelled good— check. Hair in order—check. Nice ass—check. No panty line—double check. Seems as if the only thing that concerned me was the status of her financial situation. I bet any amount of money that her credit score was fucked up. If she couldn’t afford to pay the taxi driver, there wasn’t no telling what else she couldn’t afford.

  In addition to that, the last thing I needed was to add another woman to my payroll. The ex-wife and ex-mistress were already milking me dry. Everybody had their hands out for something, and with all the cash I’d been dishing out, there was no way possible for me to retire again. I had to keep money flowing. As hard as I worked, there wasn’t a chance in hell that I’d turn down a vacation or an opportunity like this one to get away. Three months sounded like a plan to me, but I had to check this place out to make sure I was down with it. If everything appeared to be in order, then I planned to call my best friend, Shane, and have him come back here to drop off my things. For now, though, my shit stayed in his car, until I felt comfortable with my surroundings.

  For starters, the place was cool. It was nowhere near what I was used to, but what the hell? I liked white accessories, and from what I had seen about the house thus far, it looked spotless. I was digging the swimming pool, and when I stepped outside onto the patio, I noticed a nice-size workout area where I could exercise in the morning. There was also a game room with a pool table and bar. The bathroom, however, was a bit on the tiny side. As I looked at it, I realized how much I would probably miss my Jacuzzi. I closed the door and then made my way into what was supposed to be a bedroom. I was shocked to see how narrow and confined it was. It would take at least three of these beds to match mine, and what the fuck was up with the nametags and colorful décor covering the mattresses? I sat on one of the beds, making sure it was comfortable enough for me to sleep. It wasn’t. I started to rethink the whole thing, but as I was in deep thought, I heard the door squeak open. In walked the woman who had snubbed the cab driver.

  “Hello,” she said with a bright smile. She took a seat on the bed in front of me, crossing her well-moisturized legs. “I see you checking out this house, huh? I am, too, but I wanted to thank you for paying the taxi driver for me. He was so rude to me; therefore, I felt no need to give him one dime.”

  I was trying to get a good read on this woman, so I didn’t say much. I let her do most of the talking, yet kept my responses brief. “There’s not much in here to check out, especially in this room.”

  She looked around, paying extra attention to the nametags. “So, whoever Jada is, she’s supposed to sleep between you and Prince. As for me, my name is Chase and I’m to the left of Roc. He’s the other nice-looking man out there, but I don’t like to be the closest person to the door. Do you mind if I switch Jada’s nametag with mine?”

  I shrugged as if it didn’t matter to me either way. It didn’t. Chase switched the nametags and then she sat back on the bed directly across from me. She opened her legs wide, before crossing them again. My eyes shifted so quickly that I was sure she hadn’t picked up on where they had flashed to. I saw her shaved pussy, and I hated for a woman to play games and tease me. Her actions reminded me too much of my children’s mother, Scorpio. Strike one.

  “So, you never told me,” she said. “What do you think of this house? Can you see yourself staying here for three months with complete strangers?”

  I sat back on my elbows and looked up at the cheap ceiling fan squeaking, as it turned in circles. “Maybe. Maybe not.”

  “What would be your reason for not staying?”

  I shrugged. “Don’t know yet.”

  “Are you always so short with people?”

  She was irritating me. “Do you have a low credit score, and why are you asking me so many muthafucking questions?”

  Chase’s eyes looked as if they were going to tear away from their sockets. “My credit score is none of your business. I’m only trying to make conversation, but I get a feeling that you don’t wish to be bothered. Whenever you feel up to a one-on-one, I’m sure you’ll be able to find me.”

  She slightly cut her eyes at me and worked her hips from side to side, as she left the room. She was too sassy, too nosey, too broke, and something in her eyes said trouble. Strike three for her. I preferred to keep my distance.

  I stood to stretch and massaged my forehead, trying to relieve the stress. My kids were on my mind, but I honestly needed a break from them as well. I would surely miss them, but it was a wise choice for me to see how everyone back at home would manage without me. With that in mind, I dialed Shane’s number, but not before I switched Jada’s and Chase’s nametags. I hoped to have better luck with Jada.

  “I knew you wouldn’t be able to do it,” Shane said, laughing. “You want me to come pick you up, right?”

  “Nope. I want you to bring me my shit. Leave my luggage at the end of the driveway and I’ll pick it up from there. I’ll get disqualified from the competition if anyone I know is on the premises.”

  “No problem, but I can’t even imagine what it is that you’re about to do. I do not believe that you’ll make it past one week.”

  I loved proving Shane wrong. “How much money you got?”

  “Plenty.”

  “Yeah, thanks to me. Therefore, I bet you a quarter of a million dollars that I can and will stay here for the next three months. You down with that bet or not?”

  “Three months? With no pussy? Hell, yeah, I’m down with it. More like three days, and best friend or not, I expect for you to pay up.”

  “Who says I will be without pussy? No matter what, though, my hand will work out just fine. Now, bring me my shit and I’ll get at you in three months.”

  Shane laughed and hung up on me. He gave me the ammunition I needed to go through with this. From this moment on, I was down with whatever swung my way.

  I left the bedroom, now looking at the brighter side of this. But as soon as I walked out, Chase was there to greet me.

  “Here,” she said, giving me a check. “I assume that your attitude stinks because you’re out of three-hundred bucks for paying the taxi driver. I hate to do this, but I have a feeling that if I don’t give your money back, you’re going to make these three months miserable for me.”

  I took the check from her and looked at it. It was only for two hundred and fifty dollars; she had come up short. Trying to get over was the name of her game, but she had me fucked up. Her address showed that she lived in an area in St. Louis that I was very familiar with. I’ll just say the area wasn’t anything to brag about.

  “I can’t accept a check that may bounce in my hand before it reaches the bank. This one has a negative balance, and because of your credibility, I have to reject it.”

  I ripped the check in several pieces and let the paper fall to the floor. Chase stood with her jaw dropped. “So, that’s how you’re doing it, huh? I mean, who are you? Where did you come from and how dare you talk to me like that?”

  “If you don’t like what I have to say, don’t confront me with no bullshit again. Just because I paid the taxi driver, it doesn’t mean that I took your side. Personally, I think you tried to fuck that man over, but that’s just my opinion.”

  Chase folded her arms across her chest. Much attitude was on display and it was funny to watch her lose control like this. “I would tell you what you can do with your opinion, but you already know, don’t you?”

  I rubbed my goatee and licked across my lips. “No, I don’t know. You seem like a woman who has no problem speaking her mind, so why don’t you tell me?”

  She threw her hands in the air. “You know what, forget it. I’m not going to waste my time with an arrogant fool like you, and as far as I’m concerned, the taxi incident is a done deal. If you were foolish enough to pay the taxi driver, that was your loss, not mine. I won’t try to repay you again, and please don’t ask me for your money ba
ck.”

  “I promise I won’t. Now, are you done? Is it okay for me to get settled in, now that you got all of that off your chest?”

  “If I had any say-so about it, you wouldn’t even be allowed to come in here with that attitude. But since I don’t, welcome, Mr. Rogers. I hope you somehow manage to knock that chip off your shoulder and have a good time.”

  “I’m looking forward to it. Hope you are too.”

  As she choked on her next reply, I stepped around her and walked smoothly toward the door to catch Shane with my luggage. On my way there, I spotted Roc parlaying on the sectional couch with his feet propped on the table. His hands were behind his head and he was watching ESPN. Something about him irked me. Having his feet on the table, as if this were his damn house was tacky.

  The overall objective to Hell House was to be the last one standing. I already knew I would be, but I had to skillfully plan this out and get to know how the others operated. Chase had already shown her weakness, so getting her out of here would be easy. It was time to see what was up with Roc.

  I made my way down the steps and into the sunken living room. Roc saw me, but pretended as if he didn’t. He kept his eyes focused on the TV, but I knew better. That was how I got down, especially when I wanted to make someone think they weren’t important. Fucking with him, I reached for one of the magazines underneath his feet on the table.

  “Do you mind moving your feet so I can get this?” I said.

  Roc continued to look straight ahead. His feet did not move, but his mouth did. “Pull on it.”

  “Might rip it.”

  “Your problem, not mine.”

  “Wrong answer. It’s gon’ be your problem, if you don’t lift your feet off the magazine I want to read.”

  Roc jumped to his feet and stood several inches away from me. His face was scrunched and madness was upon him. “What’s up with you, nigga? And who the fuck you talkin’ to like that? You need to holla at me like you got some sense. I ain’t none of those good-old boys you be hangin’ with at the country club, so watch yourself, potnah.”