by Bijou Hunter
Crossing my arms, I felt dirty like I needed a shower. I felt hideous and unworthy of every good thing in my life.
Judd leaned down and pressed his forehead to mine. “You know who’s inside? Your big sis surrounded by loud stinky bikers. They’re burping and stinking up the place and she’s all alone, waiting for someone to save her.”
Grinning slightly, I still felt grumpy. Yet, Judd tugged me closer until I smiled up at him.
“After we do this family crap where Cooper acts like I should give a shit what he thinks, we’ll go back to my place and try out the hot tub. We might have to share it with one of my elderly neighbors. If it’s Morty, he won’t mind a little show.”
Laughing, I sighed. “I don’t know why I get so pissy sometimes.”
Judd looked ready to answer then changed his mind. “Everyone gets pissy sometimes, babe. I almost did once too.”
“Almost?”
“This close,” he said, showing me his fingers. “It was so fucking close, but turned out, I was just hungry. Maybe that’s your problem?”
“Maybe.”
“Let’s get you fed then.”
Judd took my hand and led me into the house where people wandered around with paper plates full of food. Judd barely acknowledged the greetings we received. The only person he stopped to talk with was Kirk who looked like an older, rougher, scarier version of Cooper. The head of the organization gave me a tight smile while Jodi hugged me tightly as if I’d done something amazing and the hug was my reward. The men didn’t waste time with chitchat and Judd was back on the move through the crowd of people. Soon, we reached the kitchen where Farah stood with Cooper, Maddy, and Tucker.
My sister looked gorgeous in a green turtleneck and black jeans. Her dark hair was wavy and long around her shoulders and Cooper was playing with a lock of it. Seeing her so happy and confident, I felt like I was interrupting her fun. The dark mood swelling up in my gut, I tried backing away from Farah, but Judd nudged me forward.
Once Farah noticed me, her eyes lit up. Suddenly, my dark mood felt stupid. I gave her a hug and held on, even after Cooper stepped up to Judd to do his big brother thing.
“I told you to stay away from her.”
“So?”
“So, it was an order.”
Judd frowned. “Do you have a point, Cooper?”
“You shouldn’t be dating Tawny.”
“Too late.”
Laughing nearby, Tucker was likely on beer five. “Love is in the air.”
Maddy laughed in a way that told me she knew Tucker was on beer five. “You’re so romantic.”
Bailey appeared in the kitchen to fake barf. After a deep breath to calm her irritation, she fake smiled. “I mean, love is great and shit. Hey, Tawny, want to play in my room?”
“Yes,” Cooper said. “You girls should go and do girl stuff. I want to talk to Judd alone.”
“Human shield time,” I announced, letting go of Farah and sliding between the men. “Hi, Coop.”
“Hello, Tawny. I told you to stay away Judd.”
“I forgot. Sorry. Anything else?”
Cooper glared at Judd who looked bored. Finally, the younger man shrugged. “Well, if you’re hooked up, nothing I can do now. Just don’t fuck it up, O’Keefe.”
“Sure, boss. Thanks for the romantic advice.”
Cooper grinned. “You should listen to me, man. After all, I’ve got a way with the ladies.”
When Judd said nothing, I realized he wasn’t even looking at Cooper. Everyone followed his gaze until we realized he was glaring at Mac. Tucker laughed for the simple reason that he was hammered. Maddy rubbed his face and they started making out.
Bailey rolled her eyes. “What did Mac do? Should I kick his ass?”
Cooper patted his sister. “You could so take him too, midget.”
Nuzzling Judd, I ignored Cooper tugging my shirt as if to separate me from my man.
“I never liked him even a little bit.”
“You touched his arm.”
Bailey stepped closer and slapped Cooper’s hand off me. “Judd, the only way to make things right is to cut off Mac’s arm and feed it to our dogs.”
“Sounds about right,” Judd muttered, still glaring at Mac who moved around the large packed family room as if trying to dodge the eyes on him.
“Bailey,” I whispered, giving her the look.
“What I meant was that Tawny is all kinds of loyal and shit, so cutting off Mac’s arm, while fun, isn’t necessary. Trust your woman.”
“I do trust her,” Judd muttered. “I still want to stab Mac’s face.”
“Yeah, that takes me back,” Cooper said, grinning at Farah who frowned. Rolling his eyes, he sighed. “Trust your woman. You know, what the dipshit said.”
“Don’t call her a dipshit,” I told Cooper who glared down at me. “I’m not having a staring contest with you.”
“Cause you’d lose.”
“Farah,” I said and she wrapped her arms around Cooper who sighed.
Seeing a way to fix my other problem, I hugged Judd to me. As he looked down and grinned, I murmured, “Pay attention to me.”
Exhaling hard, Judd caressed my face. “Sorry, but that guy had your fingers on him. I feel like I should make an example of him, but I won’t. That wouldn’t be nice.”
Bailey leaned in and whispered, “Are you training him too?”
“I’m training everyone,” I whispered back.
Laughing, Bailey still put on a little frown. “I want a man to cuddle.”
Tucker stopped kissing Maddy long enough to look at Bailey. “Everyone needs love. Even the dipshit. I’ll find someone for you.” Tucker looked around. “How high are your standards?”
Bailey opened her mouth and I knew a tirade of profanity was coming. Before she got started, I hugged her to me.
“Tuck wants to help you. It’s his asshole way of showing his love. Tell him thank you and we’ll train him to be less of a jerk.”
Bailey took a deep breath and nodded. “Thank you, Tucker.”
A sober Tucker might have teased his sister, but the drunken version hugged her and told her that he would find someone great. Hot, big dick, money, nice hair, the whole package.
Cooper frowned at both me and Farah. “You two are having an adverse influence on the family. Fucking Sawyer said thank you earlier today. What’s next? Will she say please?”
Grinning, Farah cuddled up to Cooper. I should have felt happy too. Instead, my mood shifted fast and I felt out of place. Judd watched me then he leaned over and said something to Farah. My sister’s smile faded as she took my hand and pulled me away from the kitchen.
I glanced back at Judd and Cooper who watched us go. Bailey just fought to free herself from Tucker’s continuing brotherly hug. Nearby, Maddy found the struggle so hilarious that she had to sit down from laughing so hard.
Farah led me to a small bedroom where she shut the door. We sat on the bed and she studied me.
“You’re having one of those bad days.”
Nodding, I fought the urge to cry. “I don’t know why either. I woke up happy. Judd had been great and I have what I want, but I feel down.”
“Changes are hard and you’ve had a lot of changes lately.”
“I feel like I’m being ungrateful and all the good stuff will go away.”
“That’s not how stuff works.”
“I don’t really deserve to be happy though.”
Farah pulled me to the headboard and had me lean my head against her chest. Like a child seeking comfort from their mother, I rested in her embrace as she caressed my head.
“You were always such a good kid,” she said. “So quiet, you never asked for anything. You were sweet, but our family just ignores people like that.”
“None of my teachers ever thought I was special like Mrs. Prescott thought you were.”
“Because I clung to Mrs. Prescott and you never clung to anyone except me. I was always wanting things, but y
ou never did. You sat in class and disappeared. You did the same thing at home. That doesn’t make you bad. It makes you quiet. Why would being quiet mean you don’t deserve to be happy?”
“I don’t know.”
“The last few days were crazy, but I’m happy you have Judd.”
Nodding, I nuzzled her and smiled. “I really enjoy being with him. It’s comfortable like we’ve always known each other. I know that sounds stupid.”
“No, it doesn’t. You found your Cooper. I fought my feelings for Coop, but you’re not wasting time with Judd. That makes you smart, Tawny.”
I sighed. “Why do I feel so bad?”
“I don’t know. I think some people just have darker moods than others. It’s not your fault.”
“Do you think Judd could love me one day?”
“He might love you even now, but Coop said Judd doesn’t get close to people. He got close to you though. That’s because you’re special to him.”
“I want to be his Farah.”
Laughing quietly, she stroked my head for another five minutes. We often cuddled when life was ugly and the warmth of our embrace made the world bearable. Soon, my dark mood faded until I felt more like myself.
Sitting up, I smiled. “I’m staying at Judd’s again tonight. He doesn’t usually have people at his place, but he brought me there and he doesn’t want me to leave yet.”
Farah brushed my hair behind my ears and kissed my cheek. “I want you to feel proud of yourself. Judd isn’t an easy man and a lot of girls wouldn’t have given him another chance. They would have been too afraid. I know I would have, but you took a chance. You were brave and you should remember that when the dark feeling comes back.”
Sliding off the bed, we glanced at the closed door. “It gets loud with the Johanssons, but we’re safe here.”
Proving the loud part, the party exploded with laughter and hollering. We walked out to the family room where a few guys were wrestling on the ground. Apparently, the winner got a date with Bailey. Soon, Judd and Cooper appeared to take us to separate quiet areas.
“Feel better, angel?” Judd asked as we ate barbecued ribs on a back deck away from the others.
“Yes, thank you. I don’t know what’s wrong with me sometimes.”
Again, Judd looked ready to say something then decided against it. Instead, he just shrugged. “Let’s clock in another half hour at this thing then head back to my place. I’ve never enjoyed a beautiful girl in a hot tub before. I really should check that off my bucket list.”
“Hell yeah, you should. Wait, is that sanitary?”
“Babe, our biggest concern will be the audience.”
Laughing, I thought about Judd’s neighbors. The few who saw us in the hall were already treating me like part of the building. I was Judd’s girl, they said, introducing me to their friends. The women looked so happy for the good looking young man to finally find someone special. Judd just stared like he wasn’t listening, but I knew he had a soft spot for the older ladies in the buildings. He wasn’t quite the cold jerk he showed to the world. That was how he ended up with Pearl after all.
Chapter Nineteen
As per our new routine, Judd would pick me up after my shift and we’d spend the night together. We’d only been dating for a week, but I quickly grew to anticipate his face appearing as my shift came to an end. When it was time for me to leave work on Tuesday though, Judd didn’t appear. Instead, it was one of Cooper’s guys.
“You want to ride in my truck or have me follow your busses home?” Pete asked, scratching at his shaved head.
“Where’s Judd?”
“Didn’t he tell ya? He left town on a job. Don’t know when he’ll be back. Don’t know nothing about what he’s doin’. Just know I gotta make sure you get home safe. Cooper’s orders. Let’s go.”
I chose to have Pete follow my busses home because he was irritating me and I knew it would irritate him to waste nearly forty minutes behind my busses. I didn’t even wave at him when I arrived at my place. Why pretend I wasn’t disappointed that Judd hadn’t come to get me? Or hurt by how he hadn’t texted or called?
“He probably had to leave fast,” Farah said on the phone when I whined to her. “Cooper has some kind of issues, but he won’t really tell me what. I just know someone is messing with the business and he needed Judd to look into it. Vaughn went too, so it must be somewhere nearby. I got the impression Vaughn couldn’t travel out of the immediate Johansson territory.”
“I’ll text him and let him know I miss him. Maybe he’ll call when he gets where he’s going?”
“I’m sure he will,” Farah said full of conviction.
Farah’s certainty didn’t pan out.
Judd didn’t call or text that evening or the next morning. I spent the next day pretending like my mind wasn’t forever on my phone. When Farah and I had lunch, I smiled, but my heart hurt more and more. Every hour without word from Judd pushed me into a darker mood.
By the third day, I had a pit of depression in my gut and it was spreading. I didn’t understand why he hadn’t contacted me when I knew he had sent word to Cooper? Why would Judd ignore me?
“Men suck. It’s their balls,” Bailey said, driving Lark and me to a frat party that evening. “I think some kind of toxin is released from their sac and it makes them fucking stupid and mean. Can’t be helped, I guess.”
Lark grinned at Bailey’s comment, but I knew how tender Judd could be. How concerned with my happiness he was when he cared. Did he not care anymore?
“Perk up, Tawny,” Bailey added as we parked in front of a huge yellow house with Brad Paisley blaring from the open windows. “You can be my wingchick and help me find a guy to hump.”
“Romance is your middle name.”
Bailey snorted. “Romance is for suckers.”
“I would love to find a guy to romance me,” Lark said, climbing out of the SUV. “Man, it’s cold. Why would they have the windows open?”
“Frat guys are dumber than regular guys. More toxins in the balls, I guess.”
Finally, I laughed because Bailey was totally serious about the toxic testicles thing. “What’s the plan?”
“I want to try that new nicer shit to see if I can land me a man.”
“And I’m supposed to do what?”
“Remind me not to smack anyone or talk about toxic balls. You know, keep me soft and cuddly.”
Laughing, Lark and I followed Bailey into the crowded party. Instantly, people moved out of Bailey’s way and we reached the keg without issue.
Bailey offered Lark and me cups of beer. “You look sad. Drunk might help. I get happier when I’m drunk.”
“I’m a moody drunk,” Lark said.
“Thanks for the warning!” Bailey yelled over the loud music. “If you need a hug, I’m your girl. I’m all kinds of sensitive now.”
Lark grinned, but I doubted she would hug Bailey. Even the pixy girl knew better. “I can’t drink because I told my stepdad and brother I was studying. Coming home liquored up will ruin my lie.”
“Designated drivers provide a vital thing to drunks. You’re vital,” Bailey said, patting Lark’s shoulder before downing a cup of beer.
Four beers later, I learned I was a moody drunk. All of the pain from Judd’s silence had been shoved deep inside me where I might control it. The alcohol broke it loose and I accepted he had dumped me. Silence was how a man like Judd handled a breakup. He wouldn’t share his feelings. He certainly wasn’t letting me down with cruel words. Cooper might kick his ass. No, he’d just go silent and hope I got the point. Well, I had.
By the time the party was winding down as people hooked up and disappeared, I felt depressed. Lark looked bored by her attempt at a wild night out. Unable to be a moody drunk, she held Bailey’s keys while our leader danced around as if living in her own private party.
“Guys are complicated,” Lark said to me as we stood against a wall and watched a wasted Bailey dance with no one. “They have lots
of feelings, but they pretend like they don’t. When those feelings get all twisted up, they don’t cry or whine to their friends. They get quiet. Sometimes, they freak out about unrelated shit. Judd might be having a PMS moment and silence is how he handles it.”
“I think he doesn’t want me anymore.”
“You shouldn’t assume with men.”
“Guys blow girls off like that all the time.”
“Yeah, but I don’t think Judd is a normal guy. I think he would tell you if things were over.”
“What are you basing that advice on?”
Giving me her sweet smile, Lark shrugged. “Honestly, I’m making shit up as I go along because you look like you’re about to cry.”
“I never told him, but I love Judd. I thought he might love me too. Now, he’s gone.”
Lark wrapped an arm around me and started to speak until Bailey’s startled voice interrupted us. A huge football player had her pinned against the wall and she was yelling for him to back off. Instead, he crowded her more while playing with her blonde hair.
“Hey!” I yelled as Lark and I rushed over.
Six four and wide shouldered, the guy was wasted and angry at the interruption. “Fuck off, bitches,” he muttered.
Bailey clawed at his neck, but he had her pinned in a weird way, so she couldn’t get any leverage.
While I was ready to jump on him in a weak attempt to save my friend, someone shoved the football player off Bailey. I hadn’t even seen the guy appear, but he stood between Bailey and the pissed jerk.
“Fuck off, man,” the asshole said. “She’s mine.”
“Nick,” Bailey mumbled, looking ready to cry. “He humped my leg. Crush his skull, will ya?”
Nick frowned at Bailey who was leaning on him now. The football player was an inch or two bigger than Nick and outweighed him by probably fifty pounds. Feeling the fight would be short, the asshole reached for Bailey’s arm and Nick nailed the guy in the face. To my shock, the giant asshole collapsed on the ground.
“My hero,” Bailey said, looking ready to puke. She caressed Nick’s biceps and asked, “Do you work out?”
Running his hands through his dark wavy hair, Nick laughed. “You’re so wasted.”
