Hold On

by Kristen Ashley

  “We Merricks aren’t real good at sittin’ down with family.”

  “Your mom liked doin’ that,” I whispered.

  “Every night. No fail. And either Dad bought ’em or she got ’em herself, but in our house, there were lots of flowers.”

  God.

  God, Merry.

  “Weak,” he grunted, that one word sounding torn from him in a way so extreme, it also ripped through me.

  “What?” I asked, knowing we were now somewhere else. I wasn’t keeping up, but it was essential that I did.

  “This shit. I’m fuckin’ forty-two and still not over it. It’s weak.”

  Was he crazy?

  “I dread it,” I told him.

  “Bet you do,” he said like he knew what he was talking about.

  Maybe he did.

  I told him anyway.

  “The day I lose her…I dread it. She’s been there. Always been there. I fucked up, Merry. You know I did. But it was worse when I was a kid. Christ, when I was a teenager, I fucked up, but she was always there. She held my hand when I pushed out Ethan. She looks after him just as much as me. She’s always there and I love that. I love her. But I know she’s gonna go. It’s the way it is. And I dread it. I know I’ll never get over it. It’ll be like a piece was torn from my heart and it’ll never beat the same way again. I know that. And I also know feelin’ that feeling is so far from weak it isn’t funny.”

  Merry didn’t move, not even his mouth.

  “Lord forbid it happens anything like the way you lost yours. Won’t be in my power however it goes down. But the way you lost your momma, Merry…God.” I shook my head, feeling moist in my eyes. “The beauty you are, standin’ right there? I don’t know how that could be. I’m breakin’ my back to give Ethan good and I’m doin’ it with fingers crossed, hopin’ he grows up half the man you are. You lost your momma and you’re all that.” I swung a hand to him. “You’re fuckin’ straight up crazy if you think any of that is weak. Love is not weak. Grief is not weak. Lovin’ her so much you’re givin’ that to her decades after she’s been gone and you’re still standing? Baby, seriously, how the fuck can you think that’s weak?”

  “Come here, Cher,” he ordered.

  “No,” I denied, thinking I needed to sort his shit out. “Answer me.”

  “Come…” he drew in a breath that didn’t work and I knew it when the next was growled, “here, Cher.”

  I looked into his eyes.

  Then I walked there.

  Four feet away, he lunged at me, hooked my waist with his arm, and I was flying through the air. My surprised cry stuck in my throat when my back hit the dining room table with Merry bent over me.

  He kissed me, hard and wet and brutal, his hands tearing at my clothes.

  I tried to get to his.

  He broke the kiss and ordered, “Arms over your head, Cherie.”

  “Baby,” I whispered.

  “Do it,” he grunted.

  I lifted my arms over my head, staring into his blue eyes, panting.

  He dropped his mouth to mine and took it in another savage kiss.

  Then I kept my arms over my head as he pulled off my top.

  I kept them over my head as he yanked off my boots.

  I kept them over my head as he tore my jeans and panties down my legs.

  I kept them over my head as he tugged the cup of my bra down my tit and went at me, tonguing, sucking, biting.

  I kept them over my head (but did it squirming) as he went after the other tit.

  And I kept them over my head when he lifted his head and watched me as his hand dove between my legs.

  “Bein’ good,” he muttered thickly.

  “Give you what you need,” I panted back.

  Emotion rolled over his face, God, so much of it, it was a wonder it didn’t drown me.

  He drove two fingers inside and found my clit with his thumb.

  “Give that back,” he growled.

  Fuck, he did. He gave that back. So good. So hot. I forgot what was going on in my need for him and I shifted my arms so I could touch him.

  “Baby.”

  My eyes had closed, and when he said that, his fingers stilled, so I opened them.

  I settled my arms over my head again.

  He went back at me.

  I arched, driving down into his hand, begging for more.

  He gave it.

  I rode it.

  “Don’t you come, Cherie,” he ordered.

  I tried to focus. “Merry.”

  “You come when I got my dick in you.”

  He kept at me and I whimpered.

  He was asking the impossible.

  But I was going to do my all to give it to him.

  He dipped in and his mouth brushed mine. “Give me what I need.”

  “Okay, honey.”

  He stayed close but tipped his chin down to watch what he was doing to me.

  God.

  Hot.

  “Need your cock, baby,” I begged.

  “Give me more.”

  I gave him more, writhing on his dining room table as he toyed with me.

  “Need you, Merry,” I gasped. “And wanna hold on when you fuck me.”

  He looked from his hand between my legs into my eyes.

  “You gonna give me what I need?”

  I stared into his eyes and whispered, “Always.”

  On a groan, his mouth took mine as his hand slid away.

  That was when I moaned in disappointment against his tongue.

  But I felt him working between my legs and then I lost his mouth when my neck arched, my head turning to the side, as he drove in and filled me.

  “Arms around me, brown eyes,” he grunted, plunging hard and fast.

  I wrapped my arms around him and lifted my knees high.

  He pounded in deeper.

  “Fuck yeah,” I breathed.

  Merry’s fingers curled around the back of my knee, sliding down to my ankle. He swung it in at his back and kept it there.

  His other arm braced under me, he lifted up slightly, and watched my body jolt on his dining room table each time I took him.

  I slid my hands up, both of them diving into his hair and clenching as other parts of me started doing the same thing.

  “Hold on, Cherie,” he grunted.

  “Yeah, baby.”

  He knew it was happening when my body tensed around him, under him, my pussy grasping when he repeated, “Hold on tight, Cherie.”

  I held on tight as I came hard, and I kept holding on tight as he took me harder, driving himself to his own orgasm and taking me along for the ride.

  It way didn’t suck, feeling mine hovering while I also felt Merry get his.

  It took its time and left both of us, but we didn’t move. We didn’t speak.

  So Merry’s face was in the side of my neck when, minutes later, he yet again repeated, “Hold on.”

  I squeezed him with everything (which meant everything) as I pointed out, “I am holding on.”

  “No,” he whispered against my neck, and the way he said it, it was my heart that squeezed.

  He shifted his lips to my ear.

  “No,” he said again.

  He lifted his head and I righted mine so he could catch my eyes.

  He did and he was looking deep when he finished.

  “Don’t let go.”

  When he said that, that was when everything I had didn’t squeeze.

  It spasmed.

  We stared at each other and we did it awhile before I lifted my head from the table, touched his nose with mine, then dropped back.

  “No flowers,” I whispered.

  He closed his eyes slowly.

  I held on.

  He opened them.

  “You’re never gonna get those from me, baby.”

  “I can live with that,” I replied instantly.

  “My job…anything can happen.”

  “I can live with that too.”

&
nbsp; “We go the distance, Ethan’s gonna be it, Cher. Don’t want kids. Never did. I see your brown eyes in his face. He’s a great kid. That works for me.”

  This was shocking.

  It was also a bummer.

  Because if we went the distance, I wanted to see his beautiful blue eyes in our kid’s face.

  But if he felt he needed to protect our child from the loss he suffered by not having one, I could get that.

  Still…

  “Is that a bottom line deal breaker, or is that open to discussion at a later date?” I asked.

  He started to close down. “Baby—”

  I held on tight.

  “Merry, I get you need to know I’m where you need me to be. And I promise to do my best to be where you need me to be. But I also gotta know you’re gonna do what you can to be where I need you to be. And there’s a lotta things I like about you, gorgeous. And high on that list is your eyes. You got mine times two. Don’t close the door on me gettin’ the same thing.”

  “Even if we made a kid, you couldn’t be sure he’d get my eyes,” he pointed out.

  “Your eyes are so beautiful, Merry, it’d be worth the shot.”

  Those eyes flashed as his lips grunted, “Jesus.”

  “Just sayin’, he or she doesn’t get yours, they’ll get mine, so you’d get that times three.”

  Something else flashed in his eyes, surprise and unease.

  I’d know why when he asked, “She?”

  “I know you’re a badass, babe. But so is Tanner and he made three, one of ’em a girl. And Cal’s one too. He’s made three…so far…and repeat on the girl. It happens. Even a badass’s swimmers can make girl babies.”

  “We need to stop talkin’ about this.”

  I didn’t let go as I asked, “Why?”

  “’Cause I’m bent over my dining room table with my dick inside you, your kid’s at home bein’ watched over by an old lady, and you’re talkin’ about girl babies. I watched Cal endure the torture of helpin’ to raise Keira before she caught Jasper, and Jas didn’t manage to calm her ass down. He just managed to give her a man at her back while she was goin’ wild so she didn’t court too much trouble. And Vi’s sweet as pie. You gave your mom shit. You get a girl, karma’s gonna bite you in the ass and I’d be that girl’s daddy. It’s been a rough night. You took care a’ that. Now you’re practically guaranteeing nightmares.”

  I grinned at him. “I’ll take it from this that the door is open to discuss babies at a later date.”

  He looked over my head, muttering, “Fuck me.”

  “Merry?” I called.

  He looked back at me and lifted his brows.

  “You mean the world to me,” I whispered.

  His eyes flashed again, the emotion rolling over his face, and his hand, still at my ankle holding it around him, tightened.

  “I’m not gonna let go,” I promised. “I’m not gonna let you push me away. I’m keepin’ you with me.”

  He didn’t answer.

  Verbally.

  He pulled out, lifted me from the table, and carried me to his couch.

  He set me in it and threw an afghan over my naked body before he strolled from the room.

  I tucked it around me and watched him disappear down the hall.

  I held it around me as I stared at the mouth of that hall until he came back.

  My head and body moved to keep my eyes on him as he went to the dining room table, gathered my clothes, and brought them to me.

  He dumped them in the couch before he grabbed me again and sat in it, hauling me and his afghan into his lap.

  He lifted his hands to my head, using both at either side to slide my hair back before he used both to press my face into the side of his neck.

  Only when he got me there did he take one hand away to wrap his arm around me.

  “I said some dick shit to you tonight, Cher.”

  I pushed closer. “That’s okay.”

  “It isn’t,” he returned. “It isn’t, baby. You can give me a lot, but do not let me be a dick to you no matter what we both get is happening.”

  This was good advice, so I nodded.

  “Gonna apologize to your mom.”

  “I think she gets it, Merry.”

  “Gonna do it anyway.”

  I drew in breath.

  Then I nodded again.

  “You wanna take a shower here?” he offered. “Or are you good and you wanna get back to Ethan?”

  I pushed against his hand on me so I could catch his eyes.

  “As long as I know one of my guys is good, I gotta get back to my other one.”

  He didn’t break contact. “I’m good, Cherie.”

  I studied him.

  He looked like Merry. That was it. Maybe a little sexier since he’d come. Maybe a little tired because it was late (and he’d come). And definitely a little bit of cute-Merry was leaking in because he was tired.

  Other than that, he was just Merry.

  So he was good.

  “Then I better get home.”

  He nodded, then dipped in to give me a light, sweet kiss.

  After that, he lifted me up as he got out of the couch and put me on my feet.

  He stood close as I dressed, and when I was done, he took me into his arms to give me a harder, longer, just as sweet kiss.

  He also held my jacket for me to put it on.

  And last, he walked me all the way down to my car and stood in the spot I’d backed out of as he watched me drive away.

  I texted him that I was safe and sound after I’d walked Tilly home and I was behind closed, locked doors, sitting on my bed, ready to get in my pajamas, brush my teeth, and go to sleep.

  Good, he texted back.

  I put my phone to the nightstand, got in my pajamas, and went to the bathroom to take off my makeup and brush my teeth.

  I was in bed and tossing my earrings to the nightstand when my hand hit my phone, the screen illuminated, and I saw I’d missed a text when I was in the bathroom.

  I grabbed the phone and read it.

  You mean the world to me too.

  Moist hit my eyes again.

  Good, I texted back.

  I’d just turned the light out when I got more from Merry.

  Don’t forget that. But more, baby, don’t let me forget it.

  I closed my eyes tight.

  Then I texted, I won’t.

  Now get some sleep, he ordered.

  I would if my guy would stop texting me.

  He took that to heart, obviously, because I didn’t get a return text.

  For some reason, this bummed me out.

  I lay in the dark thinking that, which meant sleep eluded me.

  Ten minutes later, I heard my phone sound.

  I snatched it up.

  The world, baby.

  I closed my eyes tight again, sucking in a deep breath.

  I opened them, reminding myself I was not that woman. She was not me. That shit just wasn’t the way it was.

  Then again, I had also not been the kind of woman who felt warm and squishy.

  But I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t stop it.

  I had to do it.

  So I did it.

  I typed fucking xoxoxoxoxoxo and ended that shit with a kissy-face emoji.

  I hit send.

  Merry didn’t respond.

  Regardless, he’d said what he’d said.

  So I fell straight to sleep.

  * * * * *

  It wasn’t until the next morning when I was home from taking Ethan to school that I got the texts.

  The first, Ethan get to school okay?

  That came from Merry every day.

  If he checked in about my kid that he wasn’t around to make sure got to school okay every day, he was so going to make babies.

  I just hoped like crazy he’d make them with me.

  Merry’s babies: awesomeness.

  Giving Ethan brothers and/or sisters: nirvana.

 
Yep. All good, I replied.

  Right, Cherie. And just saying

  That stopped right there and I thought he’d hit send early.

  I’d find he didn’t when he finished in his next text.

  You give me any of that softass xo shit and smiley crap again, I’ll know I lost my bad girl and this won’t make me happy.

  I stood there staring at his text, torn between giving in to a shiver and busting a gut laughing.

  I picked door number two.

  Then I texted, Message received. Have a good day! and I finished that filling his screen with smiley faces, hearts, and a few rainbows.

  My phone rang seconds later, and I answered it because it was Merry.

  When I did, I found he was a lot more generous than me.

  Because when I put my phone to my ear, what poured into it was Merry laughing.

  Therefore, happy.

  A happy I gave him.

  Which made me happy.

  And even more determined not ever to let go.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Already There

  Garrett

  “You alive in there?”

  At Mike’s question, Garrett started and turned his gaze from the computer screen he was staring at across the expanse of their desks to his partner.

  “What?”

  “Haven’t moved in ten minutes, man,” Mike told him, studying him closely. His head tipped slightly to the side. “You okay?”

  Garrett shifted in his chair to fully face his friend.

  “Nearly fucked things up with Cher last night,” he told Mike bluntly. “Family dinner at her mom’s, I closed down. Serious. Blanked Cher almost entirely, mostly blanked Grace. Only gave attention to Ethan.”

  “Shit,” Mike muttered, continuing to study him.

  “Cher came over to my place after, snapped me out of it.”

  “Well, that’s good,” Mike said carefully.

  Garrett shook his head. “Been seein’ her a week, shit’s already happening.”

  “It working?” Mike asked.

  “Cher snapping me out of it?”

  “No, you and her.”

  “Spectacularly.”

  He said it. He meant it. It still scared the fucking shit out of him.

  Mike nodded, a small smile curving his mouth. “Then hold on to that, man.”

  “Mia and me worked spectacularly too, Mike,” Garrett pointed out. “And Rocky and Tanner worked spectacularly.”

  “I hear you, but everyone’s young and stupid during their lifetime, Garrett,” Mike returned. “Part of life is figuring out how to grow up and not still be stupid.”