City of Sin

by Ivy Smoak

  "It was still on my keychain," he said.

  "Why?"

  He shrugged. "What made you decide to move?" He looked around the small room. "So many memories."

  "It was just time to move on."

  "Are you moving in with Mason?"

  "It's none of your business."

  "Bee." He said my name in that way that made me always confess all my worries to him. And what did it matter if he knew my reason for moving?

  "I'm moving in with Kendra."

  "Why?"

  "I need to save money. I got fired today."

  He stopped leaning against the door frame and walked into the room. He sat down on the end of the bed we used to share. "If you need money..."

  "No. That's okay, Patrick."

  He locked eyes with me. "I still care about you."

  "I know." I wasn't angry anymore.

  He put his elbows on his knees and leaned forward slightly. "So, what's in that box? I thought I got everything."

  "You left some CDs and stuff like that."

  "Right." He pulled the lid off the box and picked up the worn t-shirt. "I thought you loved this?" He smiled at me.

  "I did."

  "I want you to have it." He held it out to me.

  "It's yours."

  He brought it back down to his lap. "I'm not sure I ever remember you sleeping in anything else. Well, except when you didn't wear anything."

  "I'm giving it back."

  He looked down at the rest of the contents in the box, sifting through the DVDs and CDs. He pulled out the scrapbook I had made him and opened up to a random page. "I wanted you to have all this stuff. I left it here on purpose." He turned the page.

  "It's yours. I made that for you. Everything in that box is yours. If you leave it here I'm just going to donate it."

  "I'm not sure anyone's going to buy this scrapbook." He gave me a small smile.

  "Especially if you don't even want it. I'll just throw it out."

  "I want it." He closed it and tucked it under his arm. "And I want you to have this." He held the shirt out again."

  I didn't want to fight with him. I reached out and grabbed it. Just having it on his lap for a second made it smell like him again.

  "I'm sorry, Bee. I know you won't accept my apology, but I am. I'm so, so sorry."

  I looked up at his face. He never looked so sincere. "I know. I'm sorry too."

  He moved off the bed and sat next to me on the floor. "I wanted to call you after you gave the ring back. Every night. But I didn't know what to say. I knew that I broke your heart. That was the hardest part. Knowing that I hurt you. No excuse could fix that. But I am sorry. I fucked up."

  "And what about you? Did us ending things break your heart?"

  "You know it did. You were my first love, Bee. And I still love you. I think I always will."

  I'd always love him too. But I wasn't in love with him anymore. That was the difference.

  "Before moving here, I was terrified of losing you. It's funny that bringing you here was what tore us apart."

  "You can't blame the city for that." I knew it was ironic. I had been blaming New York for everything that happened to me. But I knew how ridiculous that was. It was easy to put the blame on anything but myself.

  He shrugged. "Yeah. I guess. Honestly, what it comes down to is that I thought I was ready to get married. I wasn't."

  "You could have talked to me about it."

  "I know. I just didn't want to lose you."

  I didn't know what to say to him. So I just looked back down at the shirt in my hands.

  "Are you still with him?"

  I looked back up at Patrick. "Yes."

  "He's bad news, Bee. I don't ever want you to feel what I made you feel again. And I know you're not willing to give me a second chance. I get that. I'm not trying to win you back here. But I care about you. You shouldn't be dating a guy like Mason."

  "You don't really know him."

  "No, I think you don't. He's a player and a cheat. He does whatever it takes to get ahead. He's not a good guy."

  "You're wrong."

  "He's cutthroat."

  "Last time I saw you, you said that guys like him didn't date girls like me. Like I didn't deserve him."

  "I meant that you're a good girl and he's a dick."

  "I can take care of myself."

  "I know you can. I'm just..."

  "Worried that someone else will break my heart?"

  He sighed and pulled out the DVD of Fight Club from the box. "You can donate all this stuff if you want. I can't watch this without thinking of you. You've ruined my favorite movie for me." He laughed and lifted the lid of the donation box before I could stop him.

  My wedding dress was sitting on top. Patrick didn't say anything. Instead, he ran his hand down the lacy fabric and stared at it. I grabbed the lid to put it back on, but he pushed it away.

  "You would have looked beautiful in this." He looked over at me. "I didn't know that you had bought a dress."

  "What, did you expect me to wear, jean shorts and a tank top?"

  He smiled. "I guess not." He moved his hand off the dress. "You're giving it away?"

  "What else would I do with a wedding dress?"

  "I'm sorry."

  "You don't have to apologize anymore. You were right. I didn't pay enough attention to you. I was always beat from work. I blamed you, but it was my fault too. I never said I was sorry. But I am. I'm sorry too."

  "I took you for granted."

  "I let you."

  He nodded and put his hand on my knee. "Whenever you walk down the aisle, make sure it's a guy that's worth it. Someone better than me. You deserve the best, Bee." He didn't say it, but he meant a guy that wasn't Mason.

  "Thanks, Patrick."

  He stood up and put his hand out for me. I grabbed it and he pulled me to my feet. He pulled my against his chest and wrapped his arms around me. I breathed in his familiar scent. His hug was comforting. I finally felt at peace with what had happened between us. I thought I had gotten all the closure I needed at the gala. But apologizing to him was what I had really needed.

  "Losing you is the biggest regret of my life." He lightly kissed my forehead. "If you ever decide you're willing to give me a second chance, I still want it."

  I took a deep breath, letting the scent of him linger around me for a second longer. I knew what he had just said, but I think we both knew this was the last time we were ever going to be together. I let go of his back and he released me from his hug.

  "I still have your number." I smiled at him.

  He grabbed the scrapbook off the bed and walked over to the door. I thought he was going to leave without looking back, but he turned around before closing the door. "And my shirt."

  I hadn't realized it, but I was still holding it in my hand.

  "Bye, Bee."

  "Bye, Patrick."

  Tears prickled my eyes when he closed the door. I took a deep breath. That was it. We were done. I tossed his shirt down on my bed. That was the only thing I'd keep. Because it was more than just a memory of him. It had been there for me when he hadn't been.

  Chapter 60

  Mason

  I placed the last box in the truck I had rented and pulled down the door, locking it in place. I thought Bee would be devastated when she got fired. Especially since she thought she was going to get a promotion. And I had let her believe she was getting it when I knew the company she worked for was folding. It felt like our relationship was a ticking time bomb that was quickly approaching zero. Me stealing clients from her former company wasn't a big deal. I wasn't sure why I ever thought that it would be. She'd probably be happy to screw over her pervert of a boss. She hadn't told me exactly what happened today, but she hadn't mentioned anything about Kruger going bankrupt. It seemed like her boss had tried to pull something on her. And it made my blood boil. I wanted to beat the shit out of him.

  I shook my head. Like I could protect her? I was the
one that had screwed her over. I had stolen her advertising idea for Sword Body Wash. Which in itself didn't matter. Except that I got the account. John Landry had called me this afternoon and said that they liked my pitch the best. Bee's pitch. She had lost her job and I had just gotten enough money to keep my apartment without my dad's help. She was going to hate me.

  It was like I could hear the clock ticking down to our demise. I should just tell her right away and apologize. It was an accident. I just said the first thing that popped in my head. But I had read her notebook without her permission. I ran my hand down my face. Fuck. I couldn't talk my way out of this one. I had already gone over every possibility in my head. Each choice ended up with her leaving. And she couldn't leave.

  "Done!" she said.

  I almost jumped. I hadn't seen her walk out of her apartment building. "You turned in the keys?"

  "Yup. I'm officially homeless." She laughed. "Maybe I should make a sign and join all the homeless people who I gave tons of money to."

  I laughed. "You're adorable." I wrapped my arms around her. I didn't want to let go. I wanted to hold her like this, with her smiling and happy, forever. Forever. I felt the tightness in my chest. We only had a little time left.

  "I do have one more favor to ask," she said and pulled back. "On the way to Kendra's can we stop by Goodwill? I have some stuff to drop off."

  "Sure." I reluctantly let go of her. I watched her climb to the passenger's side of the truck, leap onto the step, and slide into the seat.

  I just needed to keep thinking. There had to be a way where she ended up with me. There had to be. I walked around the truck and climbed into the driver's seat. I put the key into the ignition, brining the truck to life. "What are you giving away?"

  "Just some things I don't need anymore." She smiled at me.

  "Do you want to tell me what really happened today? You said that you had a disagreement with your boss?"

  "It's not a big deal. I didn't want that job anyway. Like you said, most ad executives don't start out as secretaries. I was approaching the whole thing wrong."

  I gripped my hands on the wheel. "What did that asshole do?"

  "Mason?" She lightly touched my arm. "Are you okay? You've seemed a little on edge tonight. Are you still not feeling well?"

  "I'm fine." I was never sick. I just couldn't face her last night. But when I had made her cry it felt like a part of me was hurt. I never wanted to see her upset. Then I shouldn't have stolen her idea. Fuck! I gripped the wheel even tighter.

  "I really appreciate you helping me move."

  I nodded. Of course I was going to help her move. I'd do anything for her. My grip eased on the wheel a bit. That was it. I'd tell her it was time to make things official. Maybe that would make telling her the truth better? I knew she wanted me to be her boyfriend. Isn't that what every girl wanted? To take the next step? I wanted that too.

  "You can turn in here," Bee said and pointed to the Goodwill on the corner.

  I hit the turn signal and pulled into the donations drop off section.

  "I'll grab it. You can just stay in the car."

  "All the boxes are heavy. I'll get it." I turned off the car and hopped out onto the pavement.

  I heard Bee's door shut and she appeared next to me as I unlocked the door and lifted it up. I picked up the box marked "donations." It was one of the heaviest ones.

  "Really, Mason, I can get that." She put her arms out.

  I laughed. "Lead the way."

  She pressed her lips together and then turned away from me. We walked together toward the drop off door. She opened it for me. As soon as we were inside she rushed past me and started talking to the person standing there.

  "Okay, we just have to look through it to give you a tax credit," the lady said.

  "Oh, no need," Bee replied. "It's just a bunch of junk."

  The lady made a funny face.

  "I mean, not junk. It's nice stuff. CDs, DVDs, and some old clothes. Someone will definitely want to buy it. But it's just stuff. Nothing valuable or anything. Just give me the smallest tax credit possible."

  Why was she being so weird? I set the box down. We weren't in any rush.

  "Nonsense," the lady said. She walked over to the box and opened up the lid. "Wow," the woman said and pulled out a wedding dress.

  Is that why Bee was acting strangely? Did she not want me to see the dress? I knew she was engaged. Maybe a small part of me didn't realize how far she had almost made it down the aisle with that ass of an ex of hers. But it didn't matter. She was mine now. At least for as long as she didn't know about what I had done.

  The thought I had earlier returned to me, about making things between us official. Bee was the commitment type. Patrick had been her only other boyfriend. If I told her I wanted to make it official, was I basically asking her to marry me? I thought I'd want to run. But I didn't. Maybe I was just desperately clinging onto anything I could think of. Maybe I was losing my mind. Or maybe that was what I wanted. A white picket fence, two kids, and a smoking hot wife? That didn't sound so bad to me. Actually, it sounded kind of perfect. I peeled my eyes away from the dress and looked at her.

  She looked embarrassed. No, she looked sad. And it wrenched my gut. I wanted to make her happy. I'd do anything to make her happy.

  "How much did this cost?" the woman said and turned to her.

  Bee shrugged.

  The woman looked back and forth between us. "Oh, I see. Your husband didn't know you were parting with your dress? That's very sweet. You should resell this, though, not give it away. You can make a pretty penny."

  Bee didn't say anything to correct the woman about her assumption between us. "That's okay, it's not about the money."

  Husband and wife? Now that someone had said it out loud it didn't sound nearly as appealing. I wasn't ready for that. One day maybe. And maybe it would be with Bee. I wasn't ready yet, though. I couldn't have kids. And I didn't want a picket fence. I loved living in New York.

  "If that's what you want." The woman wrote something down and handed the paper to Bee. "Definitely worth more than the smallest tax credit. Someone will get good use out of this."

  "I hope so." Bee walked past me and out the door back into the cold.

  "She must have looked beautiful in this," the woman said to me.

  "Yeah." I quickly followed Bee. She was already getting into the truck.

  I didn't say anything as I climbed into the driver's seat and started it back up. I pulled out of the parking lot and back onto the busy streets of the city.

  "I'm sorry about that," Bee finally said. "I was just trying to get rid of it."

  "It's okay. I get it."

  She turned toward me. "Mason?"

  "Yeah?" For some reason the way she had said my name made my heart beat faster. Had she already found out what I had done?

  "I really like you."

  I sighed with relief. "I really like you too." Instead of following the GPS, I continued going straight. I knew exactly what I wanted to do.

  "Kendra's place is that way," Bee said.

  I ignored her. I felt awful about stealing her idea. But I didn't feel awful about getting the Sword Body Wash account and jump starting my ad agency. It was hard not to tell her about it. I wanted to share my good news with her. But I couldn't. Not yet. The least I could do for now was share that success with her.

  "Mason?"

  "I think you should move in with me," I blurted out before I could change my mind.

  "You want me to move in with you?"

  "It feels like you already have." I smiled at her. "I'm not sure when the last time was that we didn't fall asleep together."

  "It's still a big step," she said.

  "It's one that I want to make with you."

  "I don't want you to ask me just because I lost my job and you feel sorry for me."

  "I don't feel sorry for you." I pulled up in front of my apartment and cut the engine. I reached over and grabbed her hand. "I like fa
lling asleep with you and waking up next to you. I'm asking you because I'm greedy. I can't get enough of you." I ran my thumb along her knuckles and over the tan line on her ring finger. She nervously touched that spot all the time. Like there was something there that nothing else could fill. She probably didn't even realize she was doing it. But it broke my heart a little every time I saw her do it.

  I felt guilty about what I had done. But everything else I said was true too. I wanted to fill that spot on her finger. Not with a ring. Not yet, anyway. I wanted to be enough for her. Just me. Because she was enough for me.

  She looked up at me. "I can't get enough of you either."

  "So is that a yes?"

  "Of course it's a yes!" She unbuckled her seatbelt and moved onto my lap. She grabbed both sides of my face and kissed me.

  I thought I had already felt guilty. But the way she was kissing me? I was going straight to hell.

  Chapter 61

  Bee

  I love you. Why can't I seem to make the words come out of my mouth? It was a stupid question to ask myself. I knew why. Because I was scared of getting hurt again.

  My head was nestled in the crook of his arms and I was tracing my index finger along the contours of his six pack. It was okay to be vulnerable sometimes. Loving him could end in heartbreak, but it could also lead to something wonderful. I didn't want to be a cat lady. I didn't want to be scared to put myself out there just because of what might happen. Mason had asked me to move in with him. Clearly he was just as vulnerable as me. And I wanted him to know how I felt. He needed to know.

  "You said you wanted to be the reason why I stayed in New York," I said.

  He ran his fingers through my hair. "I remember."

  "Well, you are."

  He laughed. "I didn't mean I wanted you to lose your job."

  "I know." I moved so that my forearm was on his chest. I rested my chin against my arm and looked up into his dark brown eyes. I love you. I wondered if he could tell what I was thinking. "Are you going to try to fix things with your parents?" I could feel his chest tense beneath my arm.