Keeping Secrets in Seattle

by Brooke Moss

  His face was stoic. “You will always be my best friend.”

  “I-I…” I closed my mouth and held my breath. I’d just been rejected at point-blank range. He just looked me dead in the eye and told me that he chose Alicia over me. And worse yet, I still hadn’t told him my secret about Cameron.

  Anger churned in my belly like the rolling waves of Puget Sound, tossing and turning like there was a storm brewing inside of me. My natural reaction in any other circumstance would have been to open my mouth and unleash the fury of Violet Murphy on him. Under any other circumstances, and with any other man in the world, that would have been exactly what I’d done.

  If Gabe was willing to flush his life down the toilet for a marriage based on lies, was I really comfortable with sacrificing our friendship to try to save him? I pressed a hand to my aching chest. The dull, silent pain I’d gotten so used to when we were sixteen years old had returned.

  I locked my jaw in place and stood at my full height. “Your decision has obviously been made.”

  He released a long breath through his clenched teeth. “I hope you’ll still be my best man.”

  I put up a hand to stop him. If he explained how much he loved Alicia, I was going to throw up. “You’ve got to be kidding me. There’s no way.”

  Gabe ran his hand arm, and I shuddered. “I’m so sorry, Vi.”

  This time it was me who ducked away from the contact. “Don’t. I have to go.”

  He looked at me intensely, his mouth turning downward. “I wish…” Gabe’s voice petered out, fading into the sound of the nearby crowd.

  “You wish what?” I pressed a hand to my roiling stomach.

  “I wish things had worked out differently between us.”

  “Well, it didn’t, did it?”

  I took off for the front of the building. I needed to find Kim and Betsy so we could get the hell out of there. The ache inside was ripping me open, and I was afraid that my soul was going to spill out all over the sidewalk, tearing open the scars that had slowly healed over the last nine years. I wondered how many times I was going to be able to withstand my heart being broken because of Gabe Parker before it stopped beating altogether.

  “There you are,” Betsy called over the roar of the crowd. She and Kim came weaving through the clump of people. “You missed the whole first half.”

  “It was beautiful.” Kim sucked on a cigarette. “Are you better? Did you get it all out of your system?” She blew a long plume of smoke out of the side of her mouth.

  “You’re coming back in now, right?” Betsy applied a fresh coat of lip gloss.

  “Do you want me to run to the pharmacy for some Pepto?” Kim reached up to smooth down my hair, which had been mussed by Gabe’s fingers just a few minutes before. “Good grief, what happened to your hair?”

  At that moment, Gabe emerged from around the corner, his hands back in his pockets, and his face pointed down. Nodding curtly at my roommates, he stalked past us, ducked into the building, and was submerged in the crowds of people.

  Kim’s mouth dropped open. “Gabe is here?”

  I nodded pitifully.

  She frowned at me. “Were you two talking just now?”

  I cringed. “Yes.”

  Her eyebrows pulled down low on her forehead. “Oh geez, is that why you brought us here?”

  Betsy scowled. “No way, Vi. Really?”

  I felt moronic. “You guys, I am so incredibly sorry. I thought this was the only way to get him to listen to me, and I didn’t want to come by myself, in case…” I covered my face. “In case this happened.”

  Kim groaned. “Did you two get into an argument?”

  “Yes.”

  She tapped her toe on the pavement. “Did he even listen to anything you had to say?”

  “No,” I said dully.

  “Well, that’s Gabe Parker for you.”

  Betsy sighed. “I hope you learned your lesson.”

  Wiping at the sweat on my forehead, I tried to level my voice. “I…I guess I did. Do we have to finish this thing? Can we get out of here now?”

  “Aww, come on,” Betsy whined.

  Kim looked at me closely. “What else is wrong?”

  Another flash of Cameron walking up the stairs, buckling his belt, flashed in my mind, and my head throbbed. “I…” I gulped. There was that ball of broken glass again. “I have something I need to tell you guys.”

  Betsy took my hand. “Hey, are you all right?”

  “No.” I tucked my hair behind my ears and shook my head. “I’m not.”

  They exchanged a glance, then linked their arms with mine. “Let’s go home,” Kim said softly.

  I let them lead me away from the concert hall, tears streaming down my face as we went, leaving our seats and the second half of the performance behind. I was done with Gabe. Done trying to force him to listen to me. Done trying to save him from making the mistake of his life. I needed to get home, get changed, and call Landon. He needed to know my secret, too. If we had any sort of future at all, it had to come out.

  …

  Landon’s eyes were wide when he entered my apartment. He’d never seen me cry before, and when I called to ask him to come over, I’d been sobbing. “What’s the matter? Are you all right?”

  I looked at him through swollen eyes. “Come in.”

  “Why are you crying?” He followed me into the living room, where Betsy and Kim were sitting on the couch stoically.

  “Technically, I’m not crying anymore.” My stuffy nose made my voice sound cartoonish.

  Landon looked at the girls. “Hey, guys.”

  “Hi.” Betsy dabbed at her own eyes as Kim looked down at her hands.

  His gaze moved from them to me. “Violet, what’s going on?”

  Kim rose off the couch and pulled Betsy up by her side. “Come on, babe. Let’s go to bed.”

  “Thanks.” My voice cracked, and Kim scooped me into a hug.

  “Love you,” she whispered.

  “You, too.” I watched as they padded out of the room, then faced Landon, whose face was pale. It looked like he was waiting to hear who’d died. “Come on. Let’s sit down.”

  We sat down on the couch, and Landon’s mouth stretched into a thin line.

  “I’ve got something I need you to know about me before we go any further with this relationship. Something that might change the way you feel about me.”

  He gathered me close to his chest. “Nothing could change the way I feel about you. But you’re kind of freaking me out.”

  I drew a long, shaky breath. “I’m kind of freaking out myself.”

  Landon’s callused thumb rolled from one knuckle on my hand to the next. “Why?”

  The ball of broken glass appeared in my throat and started to expand. I’d encountered the same thing when I sat down to tell Kim and Betsy my secret and managed to muscle my way past it. I just have to do it one more time…just one more time, I told myself. I couldn’t keep seeing Landon with a giant, iceberg-sized secret between us. I fanned myself with my hand. “Is it warm in here?”

  He shook his head. “No. It’s not. What the hell is going on?”

  I looked into Landon’s chocolate-brown eyes and choked down the lump. It hurt and scratched going down, but once I did, I was able to open my mouth and speak. My words started off quietly but built in speed and volume as they poured out of me.

  Chapter Seventeen

  September 16, 2003

  My mom sent Gabe away. I should have run down the stairs and caught him before he left, but I felt glued to the side of my bed. But my lip was still bleeding, and when I looked down at the torn pile of clothes on my bedroom floor, I decided I would call him later. As soon as I could calm down…

  “I was sexually assaulted,” I blurted out. “In high school.”

  Landon’s mouth dropped open, and his face paled. “I…what?”

  The snowball was rolling now, gaining size and intensity as it went. “I was a really chubby, awkward kid
growing up, and kids used to make fun of me. One kid in particular. Cameron Hakes.”

  Ignoring how Landon was now staring at me like an alien sitting across from him on the couch, I recalled the entire event in detail. I pressed a hand to my middle and silently begged it to relax as I described the night that changed my life. How loudly I’d screamed for help, and how nobody could hear me over the throb of bass playing upstairs.

  Landon looked away. “Oh, Violet.”

  I shuddered, memories of that night fleeting through my mind, leaving it scabbed and raw.

  I stopped speaking, looking up through my hair at Landon, who was frozen in place, unmoving, not saying a word. An uncomfortable silence filled the room and hung between us like a cloud of thick, unmoving smog.

  “Did you call the police?” he asked hoarsely, after a good two minutes of silence had passed.

  Shaking my head, I fiddled with a string hanging from the end of my sleeve. “My mom decided that we needed to keep it a secret. She said I shouldn’t ruin Cameron’s life because of one drunken mistake.”

  When Landon’s head jerked back, I saw that his eyes were moist. “You’re kidding.”

  “I wish I were.” I watched as a vein in his neck started to bulge. “It’s not really my mom’s fault. She was raped when she was a young woman. And my grandma told her to keep it to herself. It was just natural for her to brush it under the rug.” Warm tears slid down my cheeks, and I sniffled. “I’ve never been the same. That night…it ruined me. It changed me forever.”

  “It made you the person you are now,” Landon said softly. “And I love the person you are.”

  “I wanted you to know what kind of woman you are with,” I said weakly.

  He held me tightly. “What kind of woman is that?”

  I buried my face in his chest. “A woman who’s seen some pretty ugly shit.”

  His voice was thick. “A woman who fought and who survived.”

  The knot in my stomach loosened, and for the first time since he’d arrived, I was able to breathe without shuddering. In the last hour, I’d managed to tell three people my secret. For the first time in weeks, I didn’t feel dirty and shameful. I felt…strong.

  When I lifted my head to look him in the eye, I saw the face of someone who loved me. Someone who adored me despite how much baggage I came with. And it was a lot of baggage. His brown eyes gazed down at me with sympathy and sadness but also something else I hadn’t expected—admiration. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever had someone feel that way toward me, and the magnitude was heavy on my shoulders. Loving Landon and being loved in return was like being wrapped in a warm blanket, fresh out of the dryer.

  “I haven’t scared you off yet?” I whispered.

  He shook his head. “I love you, Violet. No horrible secret is going to change that.” He pressed a kiss on the top of my head.

  I looked up at him and smiled for the first time in what seemed like days. So this was what love was like. My heart started to thrum, and my head swam. “I love you, too.” My arms wound around his neck, and I brushed my lips against his lightly. “Thank you.”

  He cupped my face and our noses brushed together. “For what?”

  I pulled back and gazed into his eyes. “For being you.”

  After I stared at him for a minute, Landon’s face split into one of his telltale grins. “I have an idea. But it’s crazy.”

  I crawled up onto his lap and nuzzled his neck. Landon’s arms around me felt so good. So safe. It’d been a long time since I’d felt safe. “I think I could use some crazy. We’ve been entirely too serious tonight.”

  “Let’s pack for our trip,” he announced, his fingers tracing lazy circles on my back.

  I raised my head and looked at him. “That’s your crazy idea?”

  He nodded, his eyes wide. “Uh-huh.”

  “Well, okay. I was thinking of tattoos and maybe a night ride on your bike, but—”

  Landon’s eyes were wild, and it made me laugh nervously. “No. Let’s pack for Las Vegas.”

  My mouth dropped. “I…uh…what about Victoria?”

  His mouth twitched. “Screw Victoria. Let’s go to Vegas. We’ve both got the weekend off—let’s just do it.”

  My pulse felt like a hummingbird. “For…some slots…and blackjack?”

  Landon shook his head slowly, a grin teasing at his lips.

  I gulped. This couldn’t really be happening. “For a Wayne Newton show and some buffets?”

  Again he shook his head. “Violet, I love you.”

  Oh, holy hell, it really was happening. “And I love you,” I replied carefully.

  “Let’s throw caution to the wind.” He finally gave in to the urge and grinned like the Cheshire cat. “Let’s get married.”

  All of the air in my lungs escaped, and I was suddenly aware of every sound in the room. The muffled sound of Betsy and Kim laughing in their bedroom. The television playing in the apartment downstairs. The tail on my Felix the Cat clock ticking back and forth.

  “What?” I croaked.

  Landon wriggled out from under me and slid off the couch. Before I could compute what was happening or even form a coherent sentence, he’d positioned himself on one knee in front of me.

  “Violet Murphy,” he said, his eyes glistening, “you’re beautiful, you’re kind, you’re funny, and you’re one of the strongest women I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.” He paused to press a kiss to my hand. “I want you. And only you. For the rest of my life.”

  My ears had started ringing. “Landon—”

  “I know it’s crazy, and I know it’s too soon,” he announced. “But I also know that I love you. Will you marry me, Violet?”

  I sat there, frozen with one hand in his, the other pressed to my forehead, which had broken out into a cold sweat. My mind whirled. Whirled right out of that apartment in the brownstone building on Capitol Hill, across the city, to a high rise apartment on Queen Anne Hill. I was in the middle of the most important moment of my life to date, and I was picturing Gabe’s profile against the Seattle skyline as he looked out his kitchen window. When I was in Gabe’s arms, I was completely at home. Like it was the one place I was meant to be. I’d loved him for so long. Longer than I’d ever loved another human being, and despite how deeply I wanted him to love me back…but the truth was, he didn’t. He loved Alicia.

  I had Landon in front of me. Who loved me inside and out, despite my ugly past and truckloads of baggage. He looked at me like I was carved out of glass and trimmed in precious gems. In Landon’s arms I was safe and adored. And damn it all if it didn’t feel good to be adored for once…instead of being the one doing all the adoring.

  I opened my mouth to respond right as Kim’s and Betsy’s bedroom door swung open, hitting the wall with a crash. “Did you know that Betsy can put her whole fist in her mouth? It’s freakishly weird, and sure to lighten the mood out here. Wanna see?” Kim stopped in her tracks as soon as she spotted Landon on his knee in front of me. “Oh, holy shit on a shingle! Bets, get out here, now!”

  “What? I told you now wasn’t the time for party tricks.” Betsy emerged, and her eyes widened behind her cat’s-eye glasses. “No. Freaking. Way.”

  Landon gave them a wink over his shoulder. “Could you give us a minute? I’m waiting for an answer here.”

  “Well, answer him!” Kim scolded me, jumping up and down.

  “Shut up!” Betsy clasped her hands. “Go ahead, Violet.”

  “Sorry.” Kim’s hand went over her mouth with a slap.

  I couldn’t help but laugh when Landon’s round eyes met mine again. This was my life. A leopard-print couch, a David Beckham look-alike, two lesbians, and a Felix the Cat clock. Sure, it wasn’t the JumboTron at Safeco Field, but it was by far the most romantic thing I’d ever experienced. Flying to Vegas on a whim to get married?

  I cleared my throat. “Can we get married by Elvis?”

  “Of course.” Landon laughed. “Does that mean yes?”

&nb
sp; Nodding, I shoved every single thought of Gabe Parker to the back of my mind and locked it up with dozens of deadbolts. I kissed Landon long and hard, letting my mind swirl and rush as he tilted his head and tangled his fingers in my hair.

  “Yes,” I whispered when we pulled apart amidst Kim’s and Betsy’s cheers. “That means yes.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  August 19, 2003

  He kissed me. Oh, dear God, Gabe kissed me after we worked out tonight. When he pulled his face away from mine, I looked up over his shoulder at the sky and saw a shooting star. I told him to make a wish, and he said that his wish was that we would always be together. Then he kissed me one more time, long and slow, and said, ‘I’ve always loved you, Vi…’

  I looked down at the stack of leather-bound journals sitting on my bed and sighed. I’d kept a journal since my first day of high school, and nine years later, I still wrote in one every night. Every memory. Every worry. Every thought…it all went into these books. They were a direct glimpse into my soul, and I’d never shown them to another human being before.

  Until now.

  Dragging a small brown box across my bedspread, I held my breath and said a silent prayer. I needed Gabe to understand why I’d done this. Why I’d chosen to share my secret with him this way. He needed to know. He should have known from the beginning. And it was time, once and for all, that he found out.

  When the journal containing my secret was packed, I closed the top of the box and taped it shut. It was Friday morning, and I knew that if I sent the package today, it would reach Gabe’s apartment on Saturday while I was in Las Vegas with Landon. He could read the journal, know what happened, and finally know what I’ve been trying to tell him over the last month.

  Or not.

  Judging by the way our attempts at conversation over the past couple of months had gone, my hopes weren’t high that he’d read them at all.

  My chest squeezed, and I rubbed my forehead. It was only six a.m., and I already had a headache. Landon was going to pick me up in fifteen minutes, and I needed to get this package addressed and ready for Betsy to mail downtown. I plucked a marker off of my dresser and scrawled out Gabe’s address just as there was a soft knock on my bedroom door.