Skulduggery Pleasant: Midnight

by Derek Landy

  Valkyrie was pretty sure her expression was completely neutral.

  Hannah continued. “I didn’t inherit millions, but I’m rich in kisses and hugs and smiles and laughter and love.”

  Valkyrie blinked at her. “Right then.”

  The bell rang, signalling the end of the school day, and suddenly there were kids swarming out of the door. It was alarming.

  “Stephanie!” Alice squealed, launching herself into Valkyrie’s arms.

  Valkyrie laughed, picked her up as easily as she’d pick up a doll. She turned to Hannah. “Well, gotta go. Good luck with the pregnancy thing.”

  “Oh, thank you! Janey, I’m an old pro by now!”

  Valkyrie hurried to the car before Hannah could invite her to meet her child.

  “Who is that?” Alice asked from the back seat as she buckled her belt.

  “An old friend of mine,” said Valkyrie.

  “Is she a mommy?”

  “She is.”

  “Why aren’t you a mommy?”

  “Because I don’t want to be.”

  “Why did she call you Janey?”

  Valkyrie smiled. “She didn’t. She meant Janey Mac. It’s just something people say.”

  “What people?”

  “Irish people,” Valkyrie said, pulling out on to the road.

  “Why do they say it?”

  “I’m not sure. It’s just something they say.”

  “Why don’t you want to be a mommy?”

  “Because children are gross and yucky.”

  Alice laughed. “I’m a child!”

  “No, you’re not,” said Valkyrie. “You’re, like, eighty.”

  Alice giggled. “I’m not eighty! I’m seven!”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes!”

  “I could have sworn you were eighty.”

  “I’m only seven!”

  “Then why do you look so old?”

  “I don’t look old!”

  Valkyrie pointed at an old woman they were driving past. “See her? The old woman with the wrinkly face and all that loose and saggy skin? You look exactly like her.”

  Alice gasped theatrically. “Is that what I’m going to look like when I’m your age?”

  “Oi!” Valkyrie said, and Alice giggled, and Valkyrie found herself struggling to keep her smile. In eighty years’ time, Alice might very well end up looking like that – while Valkyrie wouldn’t have changed one little bit.

  She shook the thought from her mind. “Want to grab a milkshake on the way home?”

  Alice cheered.

  33

  In the small room filled with cleaning equipment on the east side of the Lacuna Underground Car Park, the wall rumbled and slid open, revealing the tunnel beyond.

  Tantalus peered into the darkness, and frowned. “This leads into the Dark Cathedral?”

  “Yes, it does,” said Sebastian. “The Cathedral is full of secret passageways like this.”

  “And how did you know about it?”

  Sebastian shrugged. “I told you, I’ve had an interesting past.”

  Tantalus turned to him. “Or you’re one of them. You’re a disciple of the Faceless Ones – you’re one of Creed’s agents sent to take us down from within.”

  “Tantalus, come on,” Bennet said. “Why would Arch-Canon Creed even care about what we’re doing?”

  Tantalus glared. “For one thing, we’re about to break into his Cathedral and steal one of his artefacts. For another, if Darquesse returns, then everyone will turn away from his gods and start worshipping her, just like we do.”

  “I’m not working for Creed,” Sebastian told him. “And does it really matter how I know that this tunnel is here? We have a way in, don’t we? So why are we standing around talking about it when we could be finding the scythe?”

  Tantalus raised his finger, pointed it right into Sebastian’s face, so close it almost tipped against his mask. “I don’t trust you. You’ve got secrets.”

  “We all have secrets.”

  “Not like yours. You won’t tell us where you’re from or what you’re after.”

  “I want to bring Darquesse back, just like you.”

  “Guys,” said Bennet, “we don’t have an awful lot of time here.”

  “Shut up, Bennet,” said Tantalus. “The beaked weirdo here may have won over you and your equally gullible friends, but I’m not so stupid. I’ve been watching you, Plague Doctor. I’ve been listening to you. You think you have all the answers, don’t you?”

  “Not even remotely.”

  “And, after all this time, you still won’t let us see your face. Why is that?”

  “Tantalus,” said Bennet, “we’ve been through this. The Plague Doctor’s uniform is a pressurised suit that keeps him alive. If he takes it off, he dies. OK? Now, if we’re going to go through the tunnel like we planned, can we please do it before we’re discovered and someone calls the City Guard? What do you say?”

  Tantalus glared again, then grunted, and clicked his fingers, summoning flame into his hand. Bennet did the same, and Sebastian took out a torch and flicked it on.

  They walked along the tunnel, pushing the darkness ahead of them, watching it squeeze by and fill up the space behind.

  “What are we going to do when we get into the Cathedral?” Bennet asked. “I mean, we probably shouldn’t split up, right?”

  “We’re splitting up,” said Tantalus.

  “Aw.”

  “We’ll find the scythe faster that way, plus we’ll have less chance of being caught.”

  “But if we are caught,” Bennet argued, “staying together would make it easier to fight our way out.”

  Tantalus scowled. “We won’t have to fight our way out if we’re not caught in the first place. Bennet, I told you not to come. I knew you’d do this.”

  “Do what? I’m not doing anything.”

  “You don’t want to split up because if you’re caught, you know you can’t fight.”

  “I can fight.”

  “Closing your eyes and flailing your fists is not fighting.”

  “I don’t fight like that.”

  “Yes, you do. It’s ridiculous, and so are you.”

  “Hey,” Sebastian interjected, “hey, let’s calm down.”

  “I’m not ridiculous,” Bennet muttered.

  “What was that?” Tantalus said, stepping closer. “What was that you said?”

  “I said I’m … I’m not ridiculous.”

  “Really?” Tantalus said, and laughed. “So out of everyone here, Bennet, whose wife left him for a Hollow Man? Eh? Granted, we don’t know if the Plague Doctor’s wife left him for a Hollow Man because we don’t know anything about the Plague Doctor –”

  “I’m not married,” Sebastian said.

  “– but we know for certain that my wife didn’t leave me for a walking bag of green gas because I left her years ago. So that only leaves you, Bennet, as the most ridiculous man here.”

  Bennet blinked quickly and said nothing.

  They carried on walking. Sebastian glanced at Bennet. His head was down and his lip was quivering. There was an unspoken rule in the group that nobody should mention what happened between Bennet’s wife and the Hollow Man – a rule that Tantalus had just hurled to the floor and kicked to death.

  Ten minutes later, they came to a wall.

  “All right,” Tantalus said, “how do we get through?”

  “Look for a switch,” said Sebastian, moving his hands over the surface.

  Tantalus sounded surprised. “You mean the all-knowing Plague Doctor doesn’t know where it is?”

  “It’ll be here somewhere.”

  “I am shocked,” Tantalus said. “My faith in humanity has been destroyed. Who will I believe in now that the omnipotent Plague Doctor has revealed himself to be just another—”

  “Will you stop?” Bennet shouted. “Will you just stop?”

  Tantalus turned to him. “What?”

  “I am sick
of the sarcasm and the constant petty remarks,” Bennet said. “What are you, a child? No, forget that, my son was never as bad as you. OK, we get it, you feel threatened by the Plague Doctor’s presence.”

  Tantalus bristled. “I’m not threatened.”

  “But you know what the rest of us are doing, while you’re acting out? We’re getting on with things. Yes, we don’t know what he looks like. Yes, we don’t know much about him. But he has brought more purpose to our little group in the last seven months than we have had in the last seven years. So get over it, all right?”

  “Don’t … don’t you speak to me like that.”

  “You can’t order me around, Tantalus. You know why? Because we’re about to go sneaking through a very scary place run by some genuinely dangerous people. If we’re caught, do you know what’s going to happen to us? I don’t. No one does. Because people who go sneaking through these kinds of places are generally never heard from again. Faced with this situation, do you really think I’m going to be intimidated by a bully like you?”

  “Bennet, you’d better—”

  “I’d better what?” Bennet said, stepping right up to Tantalus. “I’d better watch my mouth or you’ll insult me again? You’ll mock me? You’ll bring up the fact that my wife left me for a Hollow Man? Go ahead. You know something? I’m glad Odetta is with Conrad, because I was a lousy husband. He can at least give her the love and comfort that I never could. That’s my fault. That’s on me. But you don’t get to use that against me, you understand? You ever mention them again and I will close my eyes and flail my fists. Yeah, it may not be the coolest way to fight, but I can guarantee you, some of that flailing will actually hit you. So go ahead, Tantalus. Make my day.”

  The tunnel was cold and quiet as Tantalus decided on his next move.

  He turned away. “You’re ridiculous,” he said.

  “Yeah,” Bennet said, “I’m ridiculous.”

  “You are.”

  “That’s right.”

  “So ridiculous.”

  “Yeah.”

  Sebastian waited until they’d finished, then said, “I’ve found the switch.”

  They didn’t say anything to that, so he pulled the lever and the wall parted like curtains. They stepped through into an empty corridor, the overhead lights flickering on as the tunnel sealed behind them.

  There was no more arguing. They were deep in enemy territory.

  Tantalus turned to them. “You know what we’re looking for. Lily said the scythe’s on display with a bunch of other Faceless Ones junk. Once we have it, we send out a message, and we all meet back here. If someone sees you, pretend that you’re meant to be here. Act casual. Only run as a last resort. Bennet, you go left. Plague Doctor, you go right. I’m going this way. Questions? OK.” He took a deep breath. “Good luck.”

  They split up. Sebastian found some stairs and followed them to a higher floor. The Cathedral was quiet. He ducked back when people passed – clergy, mostly. They wore red with black piping, stylish robes designed to attract potential worshippers, a stark contrast to the drab garments worn by the Arch-Canon, Damocles Creed.

  “Stop.”

  Sebastian froze.

  “Turn round. Slowly.”

  Sebastian did as he was instructed. Two Cathedral Guards approached, their black armour moulded to their pecs and their eyes glaring from beneath their helmets.

  “Who are you meant to be?” one of them asked.

  “Um, I’m the Plague Doctor,” Sebastian said. “How do you do?”

  “Take off the mask.”

  “I’m afraid I can’t do that for health reasons.”

  “Are you meant to be here?”

  “Yes. Definitely.”

  “Do you have a pass?”

  “They said they’d get me one, but they haven’t yet. They told me to wait here.”

  “Who told you?”

  “Uh … Jimmy. And Clive.”

  The guards glanced at each other, then the talkative one pressed a button on the wall and a security door slid down behind Sebastian, leaving him with nowhere to run.

  They came closer. “Put your hands over your head.”

  “But that’s where my hat is.”

  “Put your hands up!”

  “Hey,” another Cathedral Guard said, coming up behind them. “What’s going on? Who is this?”

  The other two stood to attention. “We caught an intruder, ma’am. We’re bringing him in for interrogation now.”

  “I’m not an intruder,” Sebastian said. “I’m waiting for Jimmy and Clive.”

  “I don’t know a Jimmy or a Clive,” the female guard answered.

  “You don’t?” Sebastian said. “Jimmy’s short? Clive’s tall? Clive has a moustache and he walks with a limp? You’re sure you don’t know them?”

  “Pretty sure,” she said, and gestured to the security door. “Why is this shut?”

  “Um … this is what we’re meant to do if we find an intruder,” said the talkative one. “It’s standard operating procedure.”

  “Oh, yeah,” said the female guard. “So it is.”

  She kicked the guard behind her, just spun and threw her leg up and whacked it into his head. She continued the spin, dropped low, swept the first guard’s legs from under him. He fell and she swung her staff into his face so hard his helmet flew off, and now both guards were unconscious.

  She straightened up, took off her helmet and turned to Sebastian.

  “Now,” said Tanith Low, “just who the hell are you?”

  34

  Sebastian did his very best not to wave. “You can call me the Plague Doctor,” he said.

  Tanith nodded. “The Plague Doctor. Right. What’s your real name?”

  “That’s the only name you need to know,” Sebastian said, and squawked a little when Tanith grabbed the beak of his mask and yanked it down low, bending him over. She started pulling him in a circle.

  “I’m afraid that’s not going to cut it,” she said. “I’ll have to insist.”

  Sebastian tried to pull her hands away, but she was twisting his mask and it was hurting his neck. “Ow. Stop. Please. I’m the Plague Doctor. You don’t need to know my name.”

  With her other hand, she batted the hat from his head and rapped her knuckles on his mask. It echoed loudly in his ears. “Don’t try to tell me what I need, all right? Who are you, and why were you sneaking around?”

  “Why are you sneaking around?” Sebastian countered, because it seemed like a good idea at the time. She twisted his beak again and he cried out. Again.

  “I’m sneaking around because I’m here to do bad things,” Tanith said. “Why are you here?”

  “I have to steal something!”

  “What?”

  “I can’t tell you!”

  “Why do you have to steal it?”

  “I can’t tell you that, either!”

  He finally broke free, stood up to his full height and readjusted the mask, glaring at her through the glass eyeholes. “I am here,” he said, “on a secret mission. It looks like you are here on a secret mission, too. I can’t tell you what my mission is, just like I’m sure you can’t tell me what your mission is.”

  “I’m here to kill someone.”

  Sebastian blinked. “Oh. It … it’s not me, is it?”

  “Well, I don’t know,” said Tanith. “Maybe it is. What’s your name? If it’s not the name of my target, I’ll let you live.”

  “Really? You think I’m that stupid? I’m not telling you my name, and that is final.” He didn’t know why he did it, but as he was speaking he watched his hand come up, one finger extended, and as he said the word final he prodded Tanith once, in the chest. He immediately regretted it. He regretted it even more when she grabbed that finger and twisted, forcing him to his knees.

  “Please!” he cried. “Don’t break my finger! I need it to point at stuff!”

  “Your name.”

  “I can’t tell you!”

 
“Your name.”

  “Sebastian!” he howled. “Sebastian Tao!”

  She released him and he cradled his hand.

  “Hello, Sebastian,” she said.

  “Hello, Tanith,” he moaned.

  “You know who I am, then.”

  He got up. “Yes. Of course. Everyone knows who you are.”

  “And you’re not going to ask why I’m here to kill someone?”

  “I don’t have to,” Sebastian said. “I know you’re a Knife in the Darkness. I know you went back to them after Desolation Day. If you’re here to assassinate someone, I’m sure they have it coming.”

  “You seem to know a lot about me.”

  “Well,” said Sebastian, shaking out his sore hand, “I know a lot about a lot of people. It’s one of my gifts. I promise you, we’re on the same side.”

  “I’ll make up my mind about that. Seeing as how you know so much, Sebastian, do you know how to get this security door open? I can crack just about any lock, but this door doesn’t seem to have one.”

  “Is that where your target is?”

  “It will be.”

  “I think that’s where I have to go, too. Maybe we could team up.”

  “Yeah? You want to help me kill someone?”

  “Uh, well, not quite, but … Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of you protecting me until I find what I have to find, then we kind of … go our separate ways.”

  “Tempting,” said Tanith. “So tempting. Or I kill you.”

  Sebastian frowned. “What? Why would you kill me?”

  “Because you know who I am. You might tell someone.”

  “I won’t. I swear.”

  “I want to believe you, Sebastian. I do. You have an honest mask. But look at this from my point of view: life would just be a lot easier if I kill you before you have a chance to mess anything up for me.”

  “Unless I know how to open this door, right? Like, if I open the door, you don’t kill me?”

  “I don’t kill you.”

  “At all?”

  “Right now.”

  Sebastian hesitated, then nodded. “I’ll open the door. Because I trust you.”