Noob Game Plus

by Ryan Rimmel

  ● My Cabbage: Expert rank in Volleyball allows for Power Serve! Damage: 9, Effect: Knockback, 3 logs.

  The cabbage didn’t just impact; it exploded, propelling her backward. Maggie slammed into a very nice-looking stone lamp, shattering it. From there, she went twirling through the air and down some steps. She landed near the grand fountain in the middle of the town square.

  “You utter asshole,” she screamed, as a second batch of fresh, green goodness slammed into her head, knocking her back to the ground. I glared at her from the top of the steps, as she began spitting out leafy, green herbs.

  “Cilantro? I hate cilantro! That stuff tastes like soap,” she growled. I had grabbed the nearest thing to throw at her, and that had just happened to be a huge bunch of cilantro. I liked the stuff. Ashe put it on everything. Only someone so far gone as to be pure evil hated cilantro.

  Maggie’s expression would have been funny, if I wasn’t about to rip her head off.

  It was then that I realized something. Maggie had a dodge build, and her ability to shrug off Damage was lousy. As she spat out more of the herbs, I took a moment to go all caped crusader on her.

  ● Maggie has suffered 48 points of assorted Bludgeoning Damage. She is suffering from the following effects: Biff, Zok, Kapow, Bam!

  A handful of people had remained to watch the fight. Now, they were screaming and scrambling to flee in any available direction. Maggie got shakily to her feet. She must have had a skill that let her sneak healing potions, while she was making other attacks. That was the only reason she was still standing.

  When Maggie finally looked up from beside the fountain, she didn’t see me. She started searching around, realizing far too late that I was behind her. The Assassin tried to spin around, but, by then, I had her. She choked as my whip, used like a garrote, wrapped around her neck. She didn’t have time to react.

  “Strike her down,” yelled Badgelor. I pulled the whip tighter, until her eyes started bulging. She began kicking and thrashing, but I was crushing her neck to my chest. She didn’t have anywhere to go.

  “Jim, I don’t mind you killing her. In truth, I’m all for it. However, this is kind of dark for you,” said Shart.

  I ignored them. Maggie had tried to kill me, and O’Really didn’t forgive shit like that. Her actions merited a very messy death. I pulled the whip tighter, as she started scrabbling desperately. Then, I heard a scream. A little blond girl was screaming. I had heard that kind of cry before, and I frantically looked around for the monster. I peered into the fountain and saw a terrible face, a horrible rictus grin reflected back. That little girl was screaming at me. I was the monster.

  My rage snapped. Growling, I yanked both ends of my whip, using it as a slingshot to fling the Assassin into the fountain. She caused a massive splash that sent water careening over everything in a five-log radius. Maggie's head came out of the water. She was gasping for breath, which was hard to do with a bruised throat. I wasn’t sure what to do with her anymore.

  “Hey there, chum,” came a voice from behind me. I turned and saw the boy from the church. He had pulled his headband back into what could have been the Ordinal equivalent of a scrunchie.

  “Twinkle?” I asked, examining his name tag.

  “At your service,” he bowed, his forehead almost touching the ground. He held that pose for a long moment. Maggie hacked, and I turned my head slightly. At that moment, Twinkle struck. He flew forward in a series of spinning kicks that looked like a move straight out of Street Fighter.

  ● Block successful: Mitigate reduced knockback from 1 log to zero. Combo Broken!

  He didn’t weigh much. As he swung at me, I grabbed his leg. He looked at my hand that was holding his limb for a moment. Then, he looked at my face. Finally, he shrugged to himself, before twisting around and pivoting his other heel at my head. He had kicked out with bone-crushing force, and I barely pulled my head away in time.

  Twinkle broke free of my grasp and landed on the fountain. Standing on top of the water, he looked over to Maggie. “Well, I see why you were having so much trouble.”

  “He’s a Remort,” she coughed, clutching her throat.

  “Well, shit,” stated Twinkle.

  Chapter 29 – Samson and Jim

  Hardragon rubbed his cheek. No one had slapped him in years. Admittedly, he probably deserved it. Still, it was very disrespectful. Glancing in the mirror, he decided to wait a bit before going out into public. No sense in showing my marred face around town.

  Julia glared fiercely at him; her cheek also marked with a handprint. Of course, he’d slapped her back. He wasn’t going to let her get away with hitting him, even if he did deserve it. Perhaps he should have removed his gauntlet first, though.

  “Where are we?” Julia hissed, finally deciding that none of her loose teeth were going anywhere.

  “In a basement, just outside the town square,” replied Hardragon, honest with her once again. After all, he’d only ever lied to her once. It was just the kind of lie that permanently ruined your relationship.

  “Why did you let someone kill my father?” screamed Julia.

  “So, you figured it out,” said Hardragon, sitting next to her. With her hands bound and the collar on, she wasn’t much of a threat. Still, Hardragon watched her carefully.

  “You were supposed to be his bodyguard, and you betrayed him,” she said coldly. The princess added much more softly, “And me.”

  Hardragon remembered that night quite well. Julia had been thrilled to see him. Her father was safe in the castle, so he’d used that opportunity to suggest that they might go dally for a bit. He’d needed to get the real Julia away from the castle. Then, the disguised Maggie had gone to kill the king.

  In retrospect, he supposed that having Julia captured that night was stretching incredulity a bit far. It didn’t matter. Everyone had seen the killer. Just that morning, Julia had been an influential political figure in her own right. Overnight, she was a murderer, taken off all boards and out of any positions of power. She’d also been kidnapped, held in a chalet in the middle of nowhere.

  Hardragon was honest enough with himself to admit his reports to the boss were directly responsible for the princess’s fate. Julia was very passionate about everything and tended to talk after their dalliances. The fact that she was the most beloved of the king had meant she could turn her wayward ideas into policy. The boss declared that she needed neutralizing, which is how Hardragon ended up with Maggie and a collared Julia.

  The collar was the ultimate indignity. Without it, Julia would be a significant threat to even someone of his strength. The boss hadn’t even felt right about him holding the key, assigning that task to Su-Kar. It was the sort of petty garbage the boss did to remind Hardragon how little she respected him.

  The sounds of the battle outside spoke to the fact that Maggie had sprung her little trap early. She was supposed to wait. Somehow, Hardragon was not the least little bit surprised that Maggie had gone off script. Phillip and Su-Kar weren’t even in town yet. Then again, that crazy bitch had killed the king. Hardragon didn’t suspect that anyone would be much of a threat to Maggie, as long as they didn’t see through her disguise.

  “I had no choice,” he said. No sense in lying anymore.

  They sat quietly for a few moments. The silence was only broken by the occasional sound of stone shattering. A fight that should have been over before it started was still going on after a minute. Then, two minutes had passed, then five. Based on all the noises coming from the square, O’Really was apparently quite good at running away.

  “What’s going to happen to my bodyguard?” Julia asked during a break from the destruction.

  “We are going to kill him, just as soon as we can catch him,” answered Hardragon.

  “And me?” she asked a bit more timidly.

  “Actually, I’m going to let you achieve your quest,” stated Hardragon. That instruction had come in his last meeting with the boss, after he had reported the success
of the mission against the king.

  Julia looked at him for a moment, the question in her eyes apparent, until she ran down the logical chain of it. “You are going to let me summon the demon? No! I won’t do it. If I summon him, no one else will be able to for a hundred years!”

  Hardragon smiled sadly. “That’s the point.”

  Julia inhaled, feeling the collar at her neck. She had been trying to work through her bonds, but Hardragon knew his knots. From past, much more fun experiences, she knew that quite well. He walked back over to the slit window. Peering outside, Hardragon tried to catch a glimpse of the fight. He didn’t have a good view of the square, in the first place. On top of that, a battle between even medium level adventurers tended to be a mobile one.

  They had wrecked the fountain. It was from Grebthar’s days. The Temple of Rogers had fared no better, with several of its massive pillars shattered. Hardragon caught sight of Twinkle, who was attempting to kick something. Maggie followed the elf closely. Hardragon frowned.

  Hardragon understood the elf trying to beat down a wounded man, but Maggie getting involved in a protracted melee fight was highly unusual. Her build was so front-loaded that her target was usually dead long before they had a chance to react. Maggie went flying a moment later, and Twinkle sprung backward, only to be caught by a whip, of all things. The elf was promptly smashed into another pillar.

  As they gathered themselves up for another round, Hardragon noticed something unexpected. They were not moving toward O’Really; they were moving away from him. They weren’t chasing Julia’s bodyguard; her bodyguard was chasing them.

  His blood ran cold. They were losing badly.

  “Explain,” called out Hardragon, as he whirled around and reached for his sword.

  “He’s a Remort,” grinned Julia evilly.

  “Well, shit,” stated Hardragon.

  ***

  I watched my two opponents try to pick themselves back up. I had gotten over the notion of brutally murdering them, but that didn’t mean they were going to live through the fight.

  The elf slammed his shoulder into a pillar with a crack, successfully driving his arm back into its socket. Streaks of mud ran down Twinkle’s beautiful face, from where I had slammed him into an orchid planter. Worse, his hair was a mess. Still, he looked better than the crazy girl.

  Maggie groaned, stumbling to her feet. That last exchange had not gone well for her. She was so deep into potion sickness that even another powerful Stamina potion wasn’t going to pull her out of her current predicament. I snapped my whip. Her eyes focused on it with a hint of terror.

  I was fine. My Stamina was still replenishing, but the nature of this kind of combat gave me enough time to activate my Regeneration spell between clashes. While taking Damage stopped the healing effect, not much else did. My opponent’s main problem was that they weren’t getting enough hits in through my defenses to negate my healing.

  Aside from leveling the entire market, things had been going pretty well. The town guard had finally decided to surround us. They weren’t getting involved in the fight, though. In Warcraft, the town guards were inhuman killing machines, easily capable of slaughtering even high-level characters. On Ordinal, they were just the town militia, and this place hadn’t developed them properly. The highest level I’d seen was level 20. Fighting an adventurer wasn’t a match up any guards were willing to entertain.

  “There are two of us!” growled Maggie. “We need to both keep on him. Don’t let him have a chance to heal!”

  “Pool’s open, and the water’s fine,” I taunted.

  Twinkle exhaled loudly. “Tisk Tisk, young lady, I think we’ve been too gracious to our guest. I think it's time to draw out the big guns. Let's show him our true powers!” He smirked at her, and she returned a blank expression. Twinkle groaned. “Seriously, nothing in the tank? You didn’t use your power right before you attacked him, did you? “

  Maggie looked miserably at the elf.

  “Fine! I’ll handle it myself,” stated the elf hotly.

  There was a Last Airbender live action movie. It was horrible. Every character in it seemed to dance around any time they made their special moves. These were some slow-ass, methodical dances that didn’t seem to do very much. That was basically what the elf was doing right now.

  It looked sort of like a dance fight that you’d see in those old musicals. I practically expected Twinkle to start snapping his fingers at any moment. I considered it might be some elaborate trick, designed to allow Maggie to sneak up on me. It wasn’t. She was watching the elf intently, like this was the most magical thing ever. As he finished, Twinkle, which was, is, and always will be a stupid name, and I didn’t think that just because he had kicked me in the balls five times in rapid succession, held his hand flat, palm up, giving me the universal ‘bring it’ sign.

  “He just activated the Five Palm Burning Tiger stance,” stated Shart. “That’s kind of dangerous.”

  I was still fighting with a whip. I supposed that I should upgrade. My skill rank had increased from Journeyman to Advanced. While that hadn’t unlocked any new perks, I could still do quite a bit more with a whip than I ever really thought possible. Glancing over to the guards, I saw one with his sword still in its sheath. I snapped my whip at him.

  ● Quick Steal: Activated, Successful!

  My Quick Steal didn’t work well if my victim’s Perception was too high. It also didn’t work if a person didn’t have anything to steal. Thus, my opponents had been safe from that particular attack. The guards were a different story. The sword came loose and flew through the air. I snatched it and used my Expert rank Swords to perform a little kata for the jerk.

  Maggie paled, her voice verging on hysteria. “He’s just fucking with us.”

  “I’m in my most powerful stance,” growled Twinkle, his feet aflame. “Stop freaking out.”

  “If you are in Five Palm Burning Tiger stance, why are your feet burning?” I questioned.

  “I’ve got the Devil’s Knees perk. It lets me apply all hand techniques to my feet,” replied the elf, looking shocked. Apparently, just guessing someone’s best move offhand was enough to rattle even an elf Monk.

  I glanced at the elf for a moment, a question entering my mind. “Shart, is that stance magical?”

  Shart paused. “Of course, why?”

  ● Counterspell: Activated, Contested!

  Twinkle’s eyes opened wider, as I disrupted his carefully wrought stance. He was used to having his stance disrupted, but he wasn’t expecting it while fighting me. If you were fighting a caster who knew the Counterspell skill, you typically didn’t have to use a magically enhanced killing stance. If you fought a melee type, they didn’t know the Counterspell skill.

  The elf had intended to go on the defense and let me come to him. I was still willing to do that, but only after I tore down his stance. He knew he needed the stance active to win. Seeing his options dwindle, Twinkle chose to rush me. As he closed, he launched himself into a series of flaming kicks.

  You’d think sharp steel versus leg wouldn’t be much of a contest, but Ordinal would disagree with you. Twinkle came in with his legs wrapped in a magical field that allowed them to parry my sword strikes. He only landed a single kick against my shoulder, though. I managed to get past his guard and slash into his abdomen.

  Blood fountained from his wound. His strike burned through the last remaining tatters of my shirt, exposing my nearly undamaged shoulder. My Dragon Scales perk was scaling with my level, rendering basic Elemental Damage types almost ineffective on me. That, coupled with my Duelist perks, made me an incredibly tanky individual. Plus, I had healing spells.

  Twinkle separated from me, trying to hold in his guts. Maggie closed, her daggers flashing in a chaotic pattern. She didn’t have enough Stamina left to break into her multiform attack. Despite her rather skilled use of the weapons, I was able to keep her away, using my sword and superior maneuverability.

  I activated my Ripo
ste talent at the perfect moment, slashing the blade up her wrist. She shrieked and stumbled. One of her daggers went sailing off into the distance. I had been trying to remove her whole hand, but she was quick. She kept the appendage, but it now hung uselessly at her side. Twinkle was on me instantly, launching into a powerful kick from medium range. I shouldered the attack and used Mitigate. Then, I executed a powerful headbutt that sent him slamming into the ground, stunned.

  That’s when I heard the sound of metal armor rushing at me, like a freight train. I turned to see a man wearing all black armor. He was wielding a glowing, magical sword and charging straight at me. His helmet was odd. It looked similar to a dragon’s head. As I watched, it sprang open, exposing a hawk-like face and piercing blue eyes. It would have been totally intimidating, if not for the hand-sized mark marring his cheek.

  ● Dragon’s Roar: You have been targeted by a Dragon’s Roar. This Sonic Force attack bypasses normal defenses. You suffer 62 points of Damage. Effect: Knockback 12 logs, Stun: 4.6 seconds.

  I hit the Temple of Rogers hard enough to leave a crater in its already damaged side. Cracks ran up the side of the building. Another pillar, the last one still standing, fell to the ground and shattered. After what seemed like minutes, gravity exerted itself. I fell to the ground and glared at the asshole.

  Then, the elf smashed into my chest with a powerful kick, causing the temple to further crack. I was stunned, completely unable to respond. Twinkle was able to get in several powerful blows. He tagged out, and Maggie drove toward me, smiling the most disconcerting smile I had ever seen. She was going to slam her dagger into my eye.

  ● Stun Expired

  I caught her good wrist, causing her smile to dissolve into shock. Crushing her arm with all my strength, I listened to the bones snap. Then, I tossed her aside. I continued to glare at the asshole in the armor. Twinkle’s attacks had only caused minimal Damage, due to his lack of Stamina. Maggie was out of it entirely, both wrists destroyed. That only left this new prick.