Nobody's Ghoul

by Devon Monk

Xtelle backed farther into the house, her head squishing into her neck so she had chins. It was a strange look on a pink unicorn.

  “What?” she said. “What did it do?”

  “I just thought maybe… No, I’m sure it’s fine.”

  “Stop it. Do something to stop it! You’re supposed to save me.”

  I lifted the barbecue grill’s lid. It was spotless inside. “Is this where you burned everything?”

  “Of course not. Over there.” She waved her nose in larger swings.

  I walked to the edge of the patio. A charred section of grass spread out in a three-foot circle.

  “You burned Hogan’s lawn?”

  “That patch of crab grass and dandelions? I should have fanned the flames.”

  I bent and poked at the ashes and char. “This is all that was left of the box?”

  “I’m going to say, yes?”

  I strolled over to the door and opened it. Xtelle trotted backward, her eyes wide.

  “There’s no burned trinket out there. I know you received a ring. Tell me what the ring does.”

  “It makes me invincible in battle.”

  “Is that the truth or is that what you tell people?”

  “I’m alive, aren’t I?”

  “You didn’t answer the question.”

  She tossed her mane. “It protects me.”

  “You use it for defense only?”

  “Of course not. It can cause great destruction. The best defense is offensively smashing your opponent in the face before the battle even begins.”

  “Sounds useful. Why didn’t you bring it with you when you came to Ordinary?”

  “I assumed it was not allowed to bring that kind of power here. Was I wrong?”

  “No. You were right. But now I need to see it.”

  “It’s mine.”

  “I understand that. Let’s see it.”

  She sashayed all the way back to the bedroom, and hopped up on the bed again. “I’ll show you, if you answer my questions.”

  “Pass. Show me the ring.”

  She blew air out through her pony lips, making them flap. “Fine.” She turned over her hoof. There in the center of her hoof was a ring made of metal that glowed red, as if it were made of pure fire.

  Power radiated from it, and in the back of my mind, I heard a song. The shriek of agony, the terrifying echo of battle horns. Mountains cleaving in two roaring in a crushing, burying doom.

  Demon ring. Demon power. Demon song.

  “Okay,” I said. “This needs to be stored somewhere safe. Myra can put it in the vault.”

  “Vault?” She narrowed her eyes. “Where is this vault? It contains valuable items doesn’t it? I will of course need to inspect the vault to make sure my valuables will be safe. You do have a record of giving all sorts of undesirables access to this town, Delaney.”

  Like demons, I thought to myself.

  “No. You give me the ring, I give it to Myra, it goes in the vault.”

  “Well, that’s just not going to happen. For very practical reasons.”

  “So you can practically plan how you’re going to break into the vault?”

  “Only a demon can touch the ring. If any other creature touches it, it will instantly destroy them. Splatter like a roasted tomato.” She showed a lot of teeth in her smile, and it was not pretty on a unicorn.

  “All right,” I said thinking quickly. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed.

  “Miss me already?” Bathin asked in lieu of answering the phone like a normal person.

  “Not even a little bit,” I said. “I need you to meet me at your mother’s place.”

  “Hell?”

  I choked back a laugh. “Her place here. Hogan’s house.”

  “Ah. What’d she do now?”

  “I’ll fill you in when you get here.”

  “Are you all right?”

  “I’m fine. But I need your help with the ring.”

  “Sounds interesting. Be there in five.”

  “Why would you think my son can make me do what you want me to do?”

  “Okay, I’m going to go over this again. You know my job is to take care of Ordinary and all those who call it home.”

  “Boring.”

  “That means you too, Xtelle. You call Ordinary home. Which means I’m looking out for you too.”

  The look on her face didn’t fit the shape of the pink unicorn she was wearing. It was suspicious, yes, but also…considering. As if she were weighing more than just my words. As if she were weighing the fortitude of my morals. My soul.

  Who knew? Maybe she was. She was a demon after all.

  “I am the only one who looks after myself,” she said with no trace of histrionics at all. The statement was more than just the facts. It was the core of her, the core of how she’d lived her life all these years. It was the core of how she expected to live her life in Ordinary.

  “As long as you live here, I look after you too. And so do my sisters. That’s how it is.”

  For a moment, for the short silence that followed, I thought maybe I’d gotten through to her. Thought she was starting to understand what it meant to be a part of this town. What it meant to have other people willing to do good for one another because it was the right thing to do no matter where any of us had come from.

  I thought for half a second, that the glimmer in her eyes was realization. If she could understand I was here to help her live a good life, that I would stand with her, and stand up for her, maybe it would be the first step on the path to learning how she could do the same for her fellow Ordinarians.

  Then a knock on the door brought Hogan and Crow laughing out of the kitchen, and whatever glimmer I’d seen in her eyes was gone.

  Chapter Ten

  “Bathin,” Hogan said from the living room. “Come on in. Want some bread?”

  “You do,” Crow said. “You want the one with pickles.”

  “Delaney called me over,” Bathin said, “but I could eat. Is Delaney out back?”

  “Bedroom, I think,” Hogan said. “I’ll get you a slice.”

  Bathin’s heavy footsteps grew louder down the hall, and then he was in the bedroom doorway, squinting against the drunken punch color scheme.

  “Delaney,” he said, his voice a deep baritone. “Mother.” Little more venom in that word.

  “Now you visit me?” she said. “All this time I’ve been here, alone, and you couldn’t even stop eating those cats to come see your own mother?”

  “I saw you yesterday,” he said to his mother, then to me: “I don’t eat the cats.”

  I knew that. Myra had shown me several pictures of him lounging on the couch at her place, looking comfortable among the doilies and lace of her decor, his legs kicked out. There’d be a cat sleeping in his lap, one snuggled under his arm, and one across his shoulders, head tucked in under his ear.

  Bathin always looked relaxed and happy, and I liked seeing him that way.

  Especially since I knew how much my sister loved him.

  “I need you to take your mother’s ring.”

  Xtelle made a sound like an angry goose.

  Bathin was very still for a moment. Then a small smile curved the corner of his lips. “Do you, now?”

  “No!” Xtelle said. “I forbid it.”

  “You can’t keep a weapon that powerful with you while you’re in Ordinary,” I repeated. “There’s simply no need for it. And if it were stolen, or fell into the wrong hands, we would have all kinds of problems to deal with.”

  “Who would steal it from me? They’d disintegrate the moment they touched it.”

  “One, people disintegrating would also be a problem. Two, there are magic users in town. Vampires, and other creatures who are not quite alive, might be able to handle a demon ring just fine. Does the power of the ring only work for you?”

  Narrow eyes again as she worked through which would get her what she wanted: a lie or the truth.

  “Yes,” she said slowly.
“As far as I am aware, I am the only demon who can access the power in the ring.”

  I shot a look at Bathin.

  He nodded. “It tracks. Demons are pretty good about locking that kind of thing down.”

  I raised an eyebrow.

  “She wouldn’t allow the power in the ring to be used against her. None of the other weapons she’s forged can be used by anyone except who she intends to use them,” he continued.

  “She made this?”

  “Of course I made it,” Xtelle scoffed. “Do you think I would trust anyone else to create a weapon that my life might depend upon?”

  Distrusting everyone must be exhausting. No wonder she wanted to live in Ordinary.

  “Okay,” I said. “If anyone other than a demon touches the ring, it will harm them?”

  “Yes, and no,” Bathin said, just as Xtelle said, “Yes!”

  She glared at Bathin. “Don’t you dare tell the truth.”

  He chuckled. “I am so enjoying this. At first, I didn’t want you here. But now? Moments like this. A true pleasure.”

  She hissed at him in what I assumed was Demon and he only laughed more. “As if you could, you Old Scratch.”

  “Scratch! Scratch? I’ll show you…”

  “Nope.” I took two steps so I was between them, facing Xtelle. “I know you don’t want to give up the ring. I understand. No, don’t look at me like that, I do. But this is a god-level weapon. Anything that powerful has to be secured while inside Ordinary. So either you send it out of Ordinary, back to where it came from, or we secure it while it’s here.

  “This isn’t because you aren’t the rightful owner. This is the rule, the law built into Ordinary all those years ago when the town was made by the gods. No god-level weapon is allowed to remain in Ordinary in the hands of its owner. Understood? That level of destruction is too great a risk for everyone inside Ordinary. Even the gods have to put down their god power to be here.”

  I didn’t go into the rest of it. Didn’t really think she would understand that, when the gods vacationed here, they were vulnerable in a way they were nowhere else in the universes. They were mortal—or as close as they could be. They could be killed. Even with very human, non-god weapons.

  If the gods had been allowed to keep their god weapons while in Ordinary, more than one brawl between the deities over the years would have ended in deaths.

  The gods had known that when they created the place. They’d all agreed to the weapon rules.

  “The ring isn’t a god weapon,” I said. “But you told me how powerful it is, and I believe you. So we need to keep it safe. If I can’t touch it, and you won’t allow it to be locked away, then you have two options.

  “One, take it out of Ordinary, back to where it came from.”

  She seemed to pale a little, though it was hard to tell under all that pink hair.

  “Or give it to someone who can touch it, but whom the weapon will not work for. That means another demon.”

  She opened her mouth.

  “Not Avnas,” I said. “He hasn’t been in Ordinary long enough for me to trust him with that responsibility.”

  “But my son has?” She trilled a little laugh. “Oh, Delaney, how foolish are you? I left this with my other son.”

  Bathin grunted. “Goap?”

  “He obviously couldn’t hold on to it, and he’s a demon. Bathin will do no better.”

  I spread my hands. “Those are your choices.”

  I expected arguing, tears, threats. Instead she hopped down off the bed and stomped over to Bathin. “Take the stupid ring.” She held out her hoof, the ring blazing red, orange, blue. “When you lose it, don’t come crying to me.”

  Bathin calmly plucked the ring out of her hoof. No hesitation. I had to give it to the guy. He was awfully confident his mother wasn’t lying about the ring harming him. But then, he’d known her for centuries and could probably spot her lies from miles away.

  The moment his fingers touched the ring, the moment it was lifted from her hoof, the flames extinguished and the ring turned into a flat silver band, scuffed and hammered.

  It looked like a cheap ring that had been left in the middle of the freeway for a couple years.

  “What do you want me to do with it?” he asked me.

  “Keep it safe. Keep it away from people. It disintegrates.…”

  “Not while I’m wearing it.”

  Xtelle sniffed and looked away.

  “So it’s unarmed?”

  He nodded. “My demon nature cancels it out. Mother wouldn’t want any demon to have this little bit of her power—”

  “I like some demons,” she interrupted. “At least your brother writes me.”

  “—so unless she has a spell on it that triggers its powers when it’s under an actual attack…”

  Xtelle sniffed again.

  “…in my hands, it’s nothing but a crude lump of metal.”

  “You’re a crude lump of metal,” Xtelle muttered.

  “What was that?” Bathin leaned toward her, cupping his ear.

  “This is dumb,” she said. “You’re both dumb. Go away.” She swished her tail and tossed her head making her mane float and flow.

  “You wanted me to stop by. To visit, remember?” Bathin pressed. “Don’t you want me to stay awhile?” He made a big show of shoving her ring onto his pinky and her eyes got wide. Then they started to twitch.

  “You’re a monster,” she hissed.

  “Yes,” he said with a satisfied smirk. “I am.”

  “Okay, so that’s all good,” I said, trying to take control of the situation before I had a domestic on my hands. “Thank you for cooperating, Xtelle. If you decide to leave Ordinary, Bathin will return the ring to you, no questions asked. Won’t you, Bathin?”

  “I might ask a couple questions.”

  “Blackmail me, you mean,” she said.

  He hummed like he was thinking right along those same lines.

  “No blackmail. Xtelle, if you decide to leave, just come to me. I’ll make sure you have all of your possessions to take with you.”

  Bathin didn’t acknowledge me, but he did straighten up out of the slightly aggressive stance he’d fallen into.

  “Fine,” she said.

  “Fine,” Bathin echoed.

  Dear gods, save me from demon family dynamics.

  “Okay. We’re done here. If something else is delivered to you, any other weapon, anything from an anonymous sender, I want you to call me or the police department immediately, and please don’t burn the box.”

  Bathin snorted. Xtelle just lifted her chin and nose in the air. “You may leave me now.”

  I didn’t have to be asked twice. I left her bedroom, Bathin following. A second later she slammed her bedroom door. Six times.

  I exhaled and scrubbed at the headache building behind my right eye. “Your mother.”

  “Why do you think I left centuries ago?”

  “Hey, still up for the bread?” Hogan asked. He and Crow were crowded up on the couch peering at a board game spread out on the little table.

  “Give me a second,” Bathin said.

  “We could use a third player,” Crow said. “I mean, unless you need me for the rest of the day, Delaney?”

  “Nope, no,” I said. “I do not need you at all. Today. Or ever.” I grinned at him and he made kissy faces at me. Then I was out the door before he could change his mind, but not before Hogan pressed a thick chunk of bread in my hand.

  Bathin stepped out onto the porch with me.

  “You sure you’re going to be okay with that ring?” I asked before I took a big bite of the bread. I moaned a little, it was that good.

  Bathin just shook his head at me.

  “Wait until you try it,” I mumbled around another big bite.

  “The ring isn’t going to be a problem. You can touch it, I promise you won’t go up in smoke.” He held his hand out, palm up, and I decided someone should make sure it was safe.

  I
swallowed and then brushed my hand on my jeans. “Not that I don’t trust you,” I said.

  “Of course not,” he agreed.

  I poked at the scratched silver band with the tip of my finger.

  Nothing. No zing, no zip. Not even a single spark or note of magic.

  “That’s pretty remarkable,” I said.

  “She does good work. I hate to admit it,” he said, “but she knows her stuff. Are you sure you don’t want to lock it up?”

  “I do want to lock it up. But we’ve had to put some powerful weapons in the vault today. I don’t know how a demon weapon would interact being near them.”

  “Powerful weapons?”

  “God weapons.”

  Bathin’s eyebrows went up. “You didn’t say that before. Who brought their weapons to town?”

  “Not the gods. The weapons were dropped off on their doorsteps. Just like Xtelle’s ring.”

  We’d started walking toward our cars. Parked next to my Jeep was the slick ‘68 Corvette Bathin had somehow gotten his hands on. Cherry red and hot as sin, it was flashy, pretentious, and frankly, suited him.

  “Correct weapon to the correct god?” he asked.

  “Yes.”

  “And these weren’t previously in Ordinary?”

  “Nope. Just like your mother’s ring wasn’t here. The rules don’t allow the gods to bring their weapons here. Hell, the rules force the gods to put down their power, so why would they be able to keep weapons that are directly connected to that power? This is supposed to be a vacation town, not a battlefield.”

  “Which gods?”

  “Why?” I leaned on the door to the Jeep, and stuck my hands in my pockets.

  We’d been connected to each other in a strange manner not so long ago. I’d agreed to give him my soul for him releasing my father’s trapped soul. I still believed it had been a good decision, even though Jean and Myra had been horrified and furious about it.

  They’d forced me to agree that I wouldn’t make deals with demons, or any other creature, god, or human that involved anything precious and rare without first consulting them.

  They called it the Don’t Do Anything Dumb Without Talking To Us First, Delaney rule.

  When he’d had my soul, Bathin had gotten a good feel for how humanity ticked.

  In return I’d gotten a feel for how demon-kind ticked.