Breaking Out of Bedlam

by Leslie Larson

  What if Vitus did steal that ring? What if he took it from Poison Ivy? Maybe he did it for me. Maybe he wanted to get married so bad, he’d risked himself for me. So what? That’s right. Sure, it’s a crime and he shouldn’t have done it, but everybody needs a little forgiveness. I haven’t lived a perfect life myself. If Abel wouldn’t have taken me to his heart, covered up what I did, forgave me for it, and made the best he could out of our lives, where would I be now?

  Maybe it’s time for me to spread a little of that around.

  THE TRUTH

  I’m just going to say what happened. It’s all I can do.

  After breakfast, I took my cigarettes and went and sat on the bench out there in the courtyard, the same one where Vitus and I had our first chat. I was feeling blue, to tell you the truth. I’ve been doubting and arguing with myself and making every excuse for Vitus in the book. He’s been avoiding me again. Since our talk in the laundry room last week he’s been sneaking around, slipping me a note now and then to say our wedding’s on course, but otherwise not a word. Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself, but I keep expecting the ground to open up and swallow me. I jump at the slightest noise, see shapes out of the corner of my eye. My fingers tingle. It’s like when I first came here. I lie awake listening to the night sounds, the moans and screams and banging around. All these people locked up here together, away from the outside world. Forgotten. Left to suffer in their minds.

  I’d almost finished my cigarette when here comes that girl with bad skin that works weekends at the front desk. “Oh, there you are, Mrs. Sledge,” she said. “Your family is here. They’ve been looking for you. I showed them to the Day Room.”

  Here we go, I thought as I followed her down the hall. She pushed the door open and stepped aside, and there in the room full of jigsaw puzzles, board games, and a slew of dog-eared magazines was the whole posse—Dean, Glenda, and Kenneth.

  The boys looked up. Glenda fluttered over to me. The hair on my arms prickled. Not one of them could meet my eye.

  “I get the feeling you got something to say,” I said. “Don’t bother beating around the bush. Just tell me.”

  That damn Dean had the nerve to pick up a People magazine and act like he was thumbing through it. Glenda and Kenny glanced at each other. I walked over to an armchair and sat down. Might as well be comfortable.

  “Go on,” I said. “Get it over with.”

  They shifted around, but nobody spoke up.

  “Go on!” I yelled from my seat. “Something’s up, or you wouldn’t be here.”

  Glenda knelt down in front of me, right on the floor. “Mommy, we’ve come to talk about that man.” She put one hand over each knee. “The man you said you wanted to marry.”

  I sealed my lips. I just looked at her.

  “You know who I’m talking about?” she asked.

  “Course I do. You think I’m senile?”

  Both the boys came over and stood behind Glenda. They stuck their hands in their pockets and shuffled their feet. The tension could of parted your hair.

  “He’s not exactly a nice guy,” Kenny started off. “He’s nobody we want you to associate with.”

  “I’ve heard all this before,” I said, smacking my hands down on the arms of my chair. “I been through this with Glenda more than once, and I been through it with both of you.” I looked each of them in the eye. “I’m a grown woman and I’ll—”

  “You’re not going to marry him,” Dean broke in. “You’re not going to have anything to do with him.”

  He said it so bossy and final I could have slapped him. I was about to give him a piece of my mind when the look on his face stopped me cold. I’d seen it before.

  “Listen here, if you got something to say, why don’t you just say it. I’m not in the mood for guessing games. And get your hands off me,” I told Glenda. “I don’t feel like being touched.”

  Glenda walked over by the door. Dean maneuvered himself into the middle of the room, spread his legs like he was in a shoot-out, and put his hands on his waist. The room felt like it was closing in on me.

  “We looked into this man’s background,” Dean began, giving me a stern look. “And since you don’t want us to beat around the bush, I’ll just say straight out he’s a con man and a criminal. He’s duped a lot of people just like he’s duping you.”

  “What do you mean, you checked into his background?” I yelled.

  Dean yelled right back, “I mean we hired someone!”

  “Who? Who’d you hire?”

  “A private detective. A professional. Somebody who found out all the things this man, this Vitus, has done in his life. It’s not a pretty picture, Mom, believe you me.”

  Pressure built in my ears like I was going up a mountain. I looked at Dean’s red cheeks, at Glenda’s white face and open mouth, at Kenny’s nervous eyes skittering toward the window. Bright light flooded from it, bleaching everything out. Within seconds I could hardly see. All there was were dim shapes moving around in the glare.

  Dean’s voice came out of the haze. “Do you need to know more, Mom? Do you want me to tell you what he’s done?”

  I sneered right at him. “You don’t need to tell me squat, because I already know. I know he’s been in jail. I know some of his business dealings were a little shady. How do I know? He told me, that’s how. He laid all his cards on the table. So there.”

  Dean’s hands opened and closed. He was about to cut loose when he waved his arms in the air and stormed toward the other side of the room. “You tell her!” he shouted at Glenda. “Maybe you can talk some sense into her.”

  “I’m sick to death of all this,” I said. Any second now I was going to blow a gasket. “I’m not the fool you think I am. You’re afraid you won’t get my money, that’s all. You’re scared you’ll lose the house.”

  Glenda licked her lips and took a few steps toward me. “Vitus is a criminal,” she began like she was reciting a lesson.

  “You already said that! I told you it ain’t news to me. Tell me something I don’t know or don’t tell me nothing.” I clamped my hands over my ears. “I don’t want to hear it!”

  “You have to listen, Mommy. You have to hear this. I know it isn’t easy. But you need to know. You have to know what kind of man Vitus is.”

  “I know what kind of man he is. He’s a wonderful man. A smart man, a cultured man. He’s a beautiful man like none I’ve ever met before. And he loves me! Oh yes, he does. He loves me heart and soul. He loves me like no one’s ever loved me before. And I love him!”

  I fought my way up out of the chair and stumbled toward the door. Kenneth stepped in front of it. Dean took hold of one of my arms and Glenda the other. I’m not proud of it but I swung in all directions. I landed one upside Dean’s head and another square in the middle of Glenda’s chest. I fought like a tiger and the rest of them grappled with me ‘til Kenneth finally managed to clamp me in a strong hold with my arms pinned to my sides. Glenda bawled, “Mommy! Mommy!” Dean grunted and swore, trying to push me up against the door. It’s a wonder the whole place didn’t come running to see what was happening.

  “That’s enough!” Kenneth shouted while I fought to free my arms. “You stop this right now!”

  He dragged me over to the chair and pushed me down into it. Glenda fell into the other one. The boys stood there panting, sweat running down the sides of their faces. “This is ridiculous!” Kenny said. “Everybody calm down!”

  We did, believe it or not. We all sat there and got our breath. When things had settled down, Kenneth was the one that talked. “Listen, Mom. We’re not doing this for fun. We don’t like it any more than you do. But you have to understand that this man is dangerous. We have proof that he’s conned plenty of women. You’re lucky we found this out before he took everything you have. I know it’s hard, but you have to believe us.”

  “Say whatever you want. I don’t care. You’ve
lied before. You’ve done everything in your power to strip me of what’s rightfully mine. You’re just trying to get me in my weak spot. You’ll say anything to keep me here. Well, I won’t have it. I happen to know that Vitus didn’t take anything. I got proof. People are talking against him, but I know it’s not true. I’m going to marry him no matter what you say.”

  “No, you’re not,” Dean said. “We’ve already spoken to the administration here and told them what we found out. They’re making him leave, pronto. Some nephew of his is taking him back to Arizona. He’s lucky he’s not going to jail. Far as I’m concerned, he got off easy.”

  I stared straight ahead and concentrated on not listening. There was a bronze globe on the table in front of me, a battered box of checkers, and a couple of encyclopedias squashed between stone bookends carved to look like horses. “You can talk ‘til you’re blue in the face,” I said. “It doesn’t change the way I feel.”

  Dean was working up a good head of steam. He’d puffed up to twice his normal size and his face had turned from red to purple. “If you insist on associating with him, we’re going to make sure he ends up in jail!” he bellowed, pointing his finger right in my face. “We’ll have the law on him in two seconds, believe me. Only reason we haven’t is to spare you the humiliation. But you don’t seem to care. So if—”

  “Can it, Dean, will you?” Kenneth broke in.

  I stood up and screamed right back in Dean’s face. “I’m getting married! Do you hear me?” I poked my finger at him same as he’d poked his at me. “Ain’t nothing nobody can do about it. You can’t keep me in this place. I’m getting out of here. Going back to my home!”

  Dean and I stared bug-eyed at each other, too mad to say another word.

  “You can’t marry Vitus, Mommy, because he’s already married,” Glenda said in a tired voice. “Not once, and not twice, but three times over.”

  The room dipped and spun. I dropped into the chair. “I don’t believe you,” I said for the hundredth time. I stared up at them before I covered my face with my hands.

  I pressed my face against my palms, trying to turn the whole world dark, but there was no stopping it. Every doubt that had been nagging at me busted out in full force. One thing after another, all with sharp teeth and a stinging tail. I sobbed, emptying everything out—every scrap of pride, hope, and strength. Any glimmer I ever had that my life might change, that things might turn out all right, that the cloud hanging over me might disappear. In that ugly Day Room where everything had been fingered to soft edges by the hands of cast-off old people, I cried until all the fight drained out of me.

  “Go on. Go out and leave us,” Glenda whispered to the boys.

  I don’t know how much time passed before I raised my head and blinked through the tears. Glenda was there, kneeling on the floor beside me. She leaned over the arm of the chair and rubbed my back.

  “I’m sorry, Mommy. I’m so, so sorry.”

  I took the Kleenex she handed me. “Are you lying to me?” I asked her while I wiped my nose.

  “No we’re not, Mommy. It’s all true, I’m sorry to say.”

  “It’s not true, Glenda. I know for a fact.” I held my breath and took the plunge. My back was against the wall. “I know who took those things. It wasn’t Vitus.”

  She looked up at me and I could tell she was hurting, too. Her eyes filled with tears. “Listen, Mommy. There’s something else I need to tell you.”

  Oh, the feeling in my stomach. I’d give anything not to have lived through that moment. “Don’t tell me,” I managed to say. I could tell by the look on her face that whatever it was would tear me apart. “I don’t want to know.”

  She took my hand. “You need to know. It’s hard for me to tell you, but in the long run I think it’ll help you.”

  I put my hands over my ears. “No, it won’t. I don’t want to hear it. Please, I’m begging you. Don’t tell me.”

  “Listen, Mommy. Please.” She pulled my hands down and held them tight. “You have to hear this. You have to know.”

  I didn’t have any pride left. I looked at her with the tears and snot running down my face.

  “He said you took them, Mommy. That you stole those things.”

  “He did not! I’m tired of your lies. I’m tired of all of you talking that way about him. It’s just not true!” I heard my own voice shouting, but it didn’t seem like me that was doing it.

  I tried to cover my face again, but Glenda wrested them back down to my lap. “This is the truth, Mommy. You have to believe me.”

  She waited for me to quiet down before she took a big breath and said, “He said he’s seen you wearing jewelry you stole from that woman at your table.”

  “He did not!”

  “Yes, he did. He told that woman there in the office. He swore you did.”

  “No, no.” I held my head in my hands.

  “He said you roamed around at all hours of the night, looking for something to steal. He claimed that men upstairs had seen you. That they’d vouch for what he was saying.”

  I just stared at her.

  “He said he saw you writing with the fountain pen that woman said you took.”

  Snot ran down the back of my throat. It hurt to swallow. “What else?” I rasped. “What else did he say?”

  Glenda looked down at her hands and shook her head. “Isn’t that enough? Do you need to know more?”

  “Yes.” I sniffed. “I need to know everything.”

  “He said you gave him things you stole from other people’s rooms.”

  “He said he loved me,” I said. I was truly bewildered. “We were happy. We had so much fun together.”

  Glenda looked at me with real pity. “I’m sorry, Mommy.”

  I was pleading with her now. “We had so many plans. We were looking forward to spending the rest of our lives together.”

  Glenda shook her head.

  I cut loose and started sobbing my heart out. She rubbed my back in circles, then massaged the back of my neck. “He could have taken the house and every last penny you have,” she whispered in my ear. “If you married him, he’d have a right to it. He would have stolen you blind. God knows what else he might do. I know it’s hard to believe, Mommy. He’s a criminal. You just didn’t see it at all.”

  I gave that Kleenex the biggest workout of its life. That sad little tissue wasn’t equal to the job, believe me. My heart was ripping in two. I was stunned. Vitus, my Vitus! How could he do it? How could he? But much as I tried to close my mind, the doubts I’d been having got sharper and clearer every second. All those things I’d pushed away, made excuses for. How could I not know? Poison Ivy was right. I was the worst kind of dupe.

  “Am I that stupid?” I bawled. “Am I that much of an ignorant old fool?”

  “No, Mommy. No, you’re not.” Glenda wrapped her arms around me, pushed my hair back from my face, wore a track on my back with her rubbing. “You were following your heart, was all. You thought you were in love.”

  “I went whole hog,” I wailed. “I didn’t hold back, and look what happened. I’m pitiful, just pitiful.”

  “Mommy, listen.” She was trying to keep her voice calm, but I heard the worry in it. “No one thinks you took those things. But did he give you anything? Do you have anything he stole that could get you in trouble?”

  I stopped crying all at once, the way you do sometimes. My heart slowed down, kicked into its normal rhythm.

  I lifted my head and blinked at her. “Nothing,” I said. “He didn’t give me nothing.”

  THE PATH

  Yes, I took the pills. I swallowed them, closed the blinds over the sliding glass door, then I went to the bed and shucked off my pants. I got under the covers with my blouse on. I closed my eyes, and asked Jesus to still my heart and turn off my mind.

  I mourned Vitus something terrible.

  For five days I didn’t go ou
tside my room. They brought my meals here; I set the dirty dishes out in the hall. I didn’t want to see Vitus or anyone else. I didn’t bathe, comb my hair, or change my clothes. My mind was working all that time, trying to make sense of how I’ve been so taken in, trying to understand how I come to be like this, all the air let out of me, the lowest of the low. I played back things Vitus had said and done. All those tender moments, the way we laughed. I tried to understand what kind of person could do what he done, and—worse yet—how someone like me could mistake it for love. What was you thinking, Cora Sledge? I asked myself. When are you going to grow up and look life in the face?

  I woke up in the early morning and heard rain falling outside, all the rest of the world asleep, and I thought, Not yet. I am not ready to go away yet. So I lay there and waited for the light to come, and when the room got brighter, I dragged myself up and ran a bath and sank down to my chin. I lay there in the water, feeling that weightlessness, and looking down at my poor old boobs and belly. I wondered whether Vitus was still here, or whether they made him go away like my kids said. The longer I stewed in that bathwater, the more I needed to find out.

  When I was clean and dry, with fresh clothes and combed hair, I felt light, like those astronauts floating around in space. Nothing much mattered, but I didn’t care. I went to the phone and dialed The Palisades. That’s right. Asked to speak to Vitus Kovic. Clever, wasn’t it? You know what they said? Yes, he is still here.

  I KNOW VITUS’S habits like the back of my hand. I knew where to lay for him.

  The dining room’s at one corner of the courtyard. Kitty-corner from that is the stairway to the wards upstairs, so after meals he always walks diagonal through the middle, right past our bench and the Cupid fountain. That’s where I was sitting when lunch ended.

  People started trickling out—a few biddies from Ivy’s exercise class who think they have to move faster than everybody else, the Spider Monkey hopping and skipping, and that woman who drags the Chinese man around, calling him her husband. A couple of aides pushing some droolers. Part of me hoped nobody’d see me there waiting, but part didn’t care. I been an outcast all my life, so why change now?