Manifesting Shadow, #1

by Church K Calvert

  He had made it clear.

  “You have,” I said, smiling at him, “but I gotta go.”

  “All right, Dani, please take care of yourself.”

  “I will,” I walked away, then turned around. “Hey, Cain.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Make sure your brother takes care of her,” I said.

  He nodded, and I walked away.

  I walked around the neighborhood, not wanting to go home. I just wanted to get away from myself. The one component I knew there was no escaping from. I found my way to the park where Peyton and I ended up after the carnival. I climbed up one of the structures at the playground and sat under one of the small coverings. I took off my sweater, rolled it into a ball, and shoved it under my head. I heard my phone ringing and looked at it for the first time since I’d left. It was my parents calling. I dismissed the call and scrolled through the texts and missed calls. Six calls from Peyton, four calls from my parents. I began scrolling through the texts.

  Peyton:

  ‘where are u?’

  ‘I’m not mad just tell me where you are’

  ‘I called your parents. I’m worried about you’

  ‘just tell me you’re okay’

  ‘I know what I said and did was way out of line. It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way. Maybe I was wrong’

  ‘I almost wish I could go back in time and change this, but I had waited so long . . . ’

  ‘I really need-‘

  I stopped reading, turned my phone off, and went to sleep.

  * * *

  “So, what happened then?” Dr. Joy asked.

  “My parents were worried. They called the cops, and they found me the next morning walking home,” I said.

  “And Peyton?” she asked.

  “I never called her back. I did what I could to eradicate her from my life. She came over a couple times, but I didn’t respond. She sent over seven hundred text messages before I asked my parents to change my number.”

  “And her? Did she . . . this other guy?”

  “Abel? Yeah, she did eventually.”

  “So, you got what you wanted?”

  “I did what I had to do to protect her. You see, everyone is always under the impression that they love someone so much, and that means that they have to be with them.”

  “But she loved you too,” she pointed out.

  “She did. But if you really, really love someone, don’t you think that if being with you means hurting them, the best thing you could do for them, is to get them as far away from you as possible? It’s so selfish to put yourself before the well-being of someone you claim to love.”

  “I wouldn’t argue with that statement, but what could you have done to hurt her more than you did that night?” she asked, “There’s more pain than just physical pain.”

  “I know.”

  “Well, we’re out of time for today, we’ll pick back up on Thursday.” She closed her notebook.

  “Hey, I was going to ask you something,” I said.

  “What’s that?”

  “Could you increase my medication? I don’t think it’s working as well as before. I haven’t been feeling all there, and my mind has just been running wild,” I said, rubbing my hand behind my neck, avoiding her gaze.

  “I would love to help you, but I can’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “Danielle, I’m sorry, but I can’t adjust your medication at this time.”

  “What?” I said, surprised, “I thought doctors loved to push medication. With the way I’ve been feeling, I can’t help but think I need more, a lot more.”

  “With what you are taking, you shouldn’t feel anything,” she said, with a humor I didn’t understand.

  “Well, then could I at least not get the generic brand?” I asked, “This shit doesn’t work at all.”

  “I don’t regulate the budget here. The director says we can only afford generic, so generic is what we have to give. I’m sorry.”

  “What am I going to do when the medication stops working entirely?”

  “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.” she said.

  Chapter Ten: The Parasite

  I spent a lot of time at home, or over at Christian’s house over the next few weeks. I missed half of school, and when I was there my mind was somewhere else. I did everything I could to avoid Peyton, and when I saw her I made sure she didn’t see me. Sometimes, I would see her with her friends, sometimes I would see her with Abel.

  I spent a lot of time with Cindy. I wanted to make sure she was okay. I knew Christian wouldn’t do anything if I was around. She told me he’d never done anything that bad before, and she didn’t expect it to happen again. I doubted this, and as the words escaped her lips, I knew she had no conviction in her own word either.

  Nathan and I were over at Christian’s for the weekend. Nathan wasn’t speaking to me much since that night, either. I wasn’t there for him that morning, and I didn’t feel like talking the next day, or for many days after that, and when I was finally ready to converse, he didn’t want to talk to me. When I stayed over, Cindy stayed in my room.

  “So, what’s going on with your girl?”

  “What do you mean?” I asked.

  “You know . . . I haven’t seen you with the girl in a while. Did you mess things up or what?”

  “I guess you could say that,” I said, not really wanting to get into the subject.

  “Well, you should just tell her how you feel. I know for a fact that she feels the same way about you.”

  “I know how she feels, that’s not it. I just choose not to be with her.”

  “Why? You worried about what your parents are going to say?”

  “Surprisingly, no. I mean, I don’t think they would really be surprised. I just know that us being together isn’t good for her,” I said.

  “No offense, but it seemed like the best part of both of your lives was every second that you were together. I’ve never seen anyone, much less a couple, share the energy that flows between you two. You’re young, but your love seems ancient. Your souls know each other so well they communicate in silence. People can feel the glances exchanged between the two of you, and it makes them know that there’s hope for every lover that’s with some sorry piece of shit. As I see it, there’s no force in this world that can dissolve that kind of connection. I’d do anything to know that love.”

  It was silent for a moment. I knew all too well the words she spoke, and how she described the things I could never have put into words. I knew my soul would always long for Peyton, she was something that filled the cracks of my imperfections, and made me whole. I was broken without her.

  “I think you’ve had a little too much,” I said, dismissing her with humor and taking the tray we had the drugs on away from her.

  “I’m serious!” she said, laughing, “Oh, my God, what time is it?”

  “It’s four in the morning.”

  “Oh, my God! I’m not even tired, this shit is strong,” Cindy laughed.

  As I lay down to go to bed that night, my mind was reeling. This was a distraction not a solution, but I knew the only thing that would make this pain go away, was gone. I’d made that happen. I spent forever trying to fall asleep. Every time I tried, it was as though I were dreaming, but I was never asleep. My body rested, but my mind never took a break. Dreams flooded in and out like small glimpses of ‘what if?’

  I dreamed that Peyton told me she already knew what I was, and that she was the same way, so it was okay. As far as my heart soared at this unrealistic thought, it crashed twice as hard when I realized it wasn’t real.

  I dreamed that she told me she was with Cindy, then I watched them kissing each other passionately, asking me if I was okay with it. Peyton was saying that it could have been me. I woke to this extremely angry, even as I thought of how unlikely it was. I was still angry at Cindy, who had done nothing wrong as she slept soundly next to me. I selfishly pulled the covers off of her
with the dream still lingering in my mind, but in her deep sleep she didn’t seem to notice or care.

  I drifted off once again and dreamed of my brother. We were in the living room of Grandma Elizabeth’s house, but there was no furniture, and it was dark and uninhabited. He stood with his back to me, crying. I tried to no avail to ask him what was wrong, but every word I tried to speak came out as a whisper, inaudible above the sound of his crying. He turned around finally, and he had bruises all over him, and he said: “You let this happen to me!”

  I began to shake my head, “No,” I said, regaining my voice, “I didn’t know.”

  “I tried to tell you, now you’re too late.”

  “No, I can fix it, I can make the pain go away,” I pleaded.

  My great-grandmother entered from the next room, regarding first my brother, then me. He continued to cry as she began to speak.

  “You can’t fix him. His soul is damaged, I don’t think he’s going to make it,”

  Next, I was holding my brother as if he was just born, looking down at him. He resembled baby Alex.

  “I need a doctor in here!” I heard my voice echo through the now empty room. I looked down and my arms were empty.

  “Nathan . . .” I entreated through the silence.

  “You can’t save anyone,” I heard my grandmother’s voice right next to my ear and shot upright in the bed. I tried to gain my composure as quickly as possible, breathing in every second that assured that it was a dream. As the dream left me, and pieces faded quickly, the emotions remained.

  I got out of bed and headed for the garage. Cindy seemed to be up already, but was nowhere in sight. Everyone in the house seemed to be awake, or just waking up. I didn’t care whether I was heard or not. I had a sudden need to know about the things my great-grandmother spoke of so many years ago on her death bed. I needed to fill in the missing gaps. As I went into the garage, I noticed it hadn’t changed much. In fact, the box I first rummaged through remained half open. I reached in, knowing what I was looking for. I couldn’t care less about the rules, I needed to know what my great-grandmother had seen. I grabbed her journal, tucked it in my pants, and covered it with my t-shirt, then headed back inside.

  I ascended the stairs quietly, hoping to sneak into the bedroom while it was still empty and get some time alone to explore the pages. Just as I was about to sneak into the room I saw Christian in the hallway, unaware of my presence. He was standing outside of the bathroom door, waiting, I assumed. I expected him to call out to Cindy and tell her to hurry it up, but he just stood there, apparently fidgeting with something in his pocket before he pushed the bathroom door partly open. When I realized what he was actually doing, I was disgusted and embarrassed and immediately tried to sneak into the bedroom without him noticing. I had no intention of providing him with an opportunity to explain playing with himself while his girlfriend showered. If he couldn’t control himself, why didn’t he just walk inside and join her, and do whatever it is they do in private.

  Just as I was about to open the door to the room, I heard a voice from behind me, but not the voice I was expecting.

  “Hey, Dani, you up already?” Cindy called from the bottom of the stairs looking up at me.

  It took me about three seconds to register what was going on. If Cindy’s downstairs, the only other person who could be taking a shower was Nathan.

  I remembered his face the night of the game, I remembered him wanting to talk to me about something for the first time. I remembered the smile that he faked, and now I realized exactly what his reasons were.

  Christian glanced at me from down the hall and smiled nervously, obviously unsure how long I’d been standing there.

  “Hey, Dani, I didn’t know you were up,” he said, hopeful that I would play along; pretend to be oblivious, say nothing and do nothing.

  I felt the heat rising through my body, my hairs standing on end, my heart working overtime. My body began to shake with the deepest rage I had never thought possible.

  “I was just waiting for your brother to get out of the bathroom," he began to say, but slowed as he noticed my expression, “It’s not what you think.”

  He raised his hands slightly as if in surrender. I felt like I was holding in check an explosion that was growing exponentially within me every second I stood there. I watched as the color of the room faded into a deep crimson red. Then I saw it.

  From within me my shadow stepped out and crossed to stand behind Christian. It was as if I were looking into a mirror; I felt like I was watching myself, or a part of myself. It looked at me, and with the same rage, I directed it at Christian. He continued to talk, but I didn’t hear anything else except the pounding of my pulse in my ears. He was mid-sentence when my shadow placed its hand on Christian’s shoulder. He immediately stopped talking, stopped moving, as if he were paralyzed. A smile spread slowly across my shadow’s face and it nodded at me.

  Nathan’s baseball equipment had been left out in the hallway and had caught my attention. I grabbed his bat. I advanced down the hallway toward Christian and began to swing. I remember the bat feeling heavy and smooth against my hands. I remember the harder I gripped it, and each time I brought it down against Christian’s head, the heavier it felt. I remember the sound of metal colliding with his skull, his jaw, his chest. What I don’t remember is if I hit him three times or three hundred times. Eventually, I threw it to the side and gripped his neck with the remainder of the strength I had in my body. I didn’t even have to squeeze to feel the life leaving his body. It flowed directly into my soul, like an elixir. I remember how it brought a smile to my face to feel his soul leaving his body through my hands.

  I felt two strong hands come up from behind me wrap around my stomach and tear me away from him. As I was pulled back, I felt his soul escape me and drive itself back into him. As I looked down at him, I saw his wounds healing before my eyes. Color returned to the room, and I saw that blood covered Christian, the floor, the walls, the ceiling, and me. His mangled face began to return to its original structure. His jaw reattached; the concave structures made in his face began to close up.

  “No!” I cried out, “You don’t get to live you piece of shit! You fucking parasite!”

  I knew now what the palm reader spoke of. Christian was a parasite. I could not use my gift against him.

  “Dani, Stop!” Cindy said, turning me around. I pushed her off of me, knocking her to the ground.

  “Dani?” I heard my brother’s voice behind me. Every angry emotion in me disintegrated at the sound of his voice. I turned around to see the horrified expression on his face as he looked down at Christian. I had never wanted him to see something like that, but I would do it again if I had to.

  “We’re leaving,” I said, reaching over Christian to grab Nathan’s hand and pulling him toward me.

  I lead him down the hallway, passing Cindy in the process. Suddenly, I stopped, turned around, and knelt down, putting my face close to hers.

  “Don’t ever let me find out that you knew about this,” I said, still reeling with anger that I knew I would project at anyone who stood in my way. I heard Christian begin to moan as he regained consciousness. I whipped around to look at him and let go of my brother’s hand.

  “Go downstairs, get the keys to one of the cars, and I’ll be right out,” I said.

  “Come with me,” he pleaded, grabbing my hand, terror evident on his face.

  “I’ll be right down,” I promised, leading him toward the stairs with my hand against his back, “Hurry.”

  He reluctantly did as I asked. I heard him grab a key, and the door close behind him. I returned to Christian as he writhed on the floor groaning. He had no idea of the things I wanted to do to him. I knelt next to him and turned his face back and forth to see if any of the damage I had inflicted had stuck. There were some bruises and minor cuts. It wasn’t enough. I stood back up and ground my foot against his face. He had barely opened his eyes when I brought my foot back. Then, with a
ll the strength I could muster, I connected with his face. His head whipped in the opposite direction, and more blood splattered on the wall. Cindy screamed and covered her eyes. As I passed her to leave, she had her face in her hands crying. For a few seconds, though, she parted her fingers and gazed at me with a terrified expression. I looked back at her and I felt no remorse.

  I ran downstairs, jumped in the car, and sped off. Luckily I’d had some practice driving Peyton’s car, but it proved only mildly helpful in my state of mind. I tried to maintain my speed and obey traffic signals, but I was so amped up. It was difficult to focus on things that seemed so insignificant at the time.

  “You know?” Nathan said as he gripped the door handle and the seat, trying to brace himself.

  “I know,” I said, my hands still shaking and perspiring, slipping on the wheel as I tried to steer. I looked down at them for the first time and noticed they were covered in blood. I could only imagine how scared Nathan must be.

  “Is he dead, Dani?” he asked. I turned toward him, wanting to say I wished he was, but responded instead with the truth, and what I knew he wanted to hear.

  “No.”

  “Are you sure, there was so much─” he stopped and changed the subject, “I wanted to tell you.”

  “What did he do to you, Nathan?” I asked knowing it probably wasn’t safe for me to know the answer.

  “I don’t want to tell you, you’ll tell dad,” he said.

  “Of course I’ll tell dad and mom; Nathan, they have to know!” I said, more emphatically than I intended.

  “She won’t believe you . . .” he trailed off.

  “What do you mean? What are you talking about? Of course she’ll believe us,” I said as we pulled up to the house, and I turned off the engine.

  He sat silently for a second, not wanting to answer.

  “Nathan?” I prodded. He looked at me.

  “I already told her,” he said, and began to cry, “She didn’t believe me, she told me not to tell dad.”

  My heart sank to the floor for Nathan. How could this have been going on? How could I not know? My mother . . . How could she?