I nodded and accepted the plate of lasagna she handed to me but my mind couldn’t help but linger on the interrupted sentence. Ma knew something that might help me get Jaya to open up to me, and I needed to get it out of her.
“Tell me Ma,” I began, but my phone rang and Ethan was on the other line. “We’re not done,” I told her and picked it up. “Yeah?”
“I need you out here in D.C. Colt. We have a chance for a long-term security contract assisting different DoD agencies in the field. It’s a big contract man.”
Shit this was it. What I’ve been working towards this for years. “I’ll be on the next flight out.”
“Good. I’m at The Jefferson, Ann’s already working on getting you a room.”
Shit. That meant I’d be there a few days. “See you soon.” I disconnected the call and gave Ma an apologetic look. “I have to go Ma.”
She nodded, already on her feet at the counter. “I figured. Take this with you, eat it on that fancy jet of yours.”
“Thanks Ma. Love you.” I took the glass container and turned away before I froze. “Ma, and when she what?”
“Huh?” I knew her well enough to know when she was being truthful and right now her expression told me she knew a secret I needed to know.
“Ma you said Jaya was devastated, and when she…, and then you stopped. Finish your sentence, please.”
She shook her head and slid past me to the door. “I’ve already said too much son. Now go on and have a safe trip.” With that she gave me a peck on the cheek and shoved me out the door.
I wanted nothing more than to get in my car and rush to Jaya’s house and demand she tell what apparently everyone else knew. But I couldn’t. this contract was everything I had worked for. It was part of the reason Jaya and I had split up in the first place. I had to do this, or it would be like spitting on the memory of what we had.
***
Unfortunately, when I got to D.C. there were enough details relating to the business deal to keep me there for a full week. It had been a very lucrative and productive trip but it had taken me too far away from Jaya for too long.
The first few days we talked every day. She told me about her day and I told her what I could about the goings on in Washington. By Wednesday she’d grown quiet and then withdrawn. When Saturday rolled around I was up early and calling the pilot to get me back to Chicago as soon as possible Then I received a call from one of our tactical leaders.
Chicago would have to wait because I was needed down in Mexico to help get a couple rich of college kids out of a cartel mansion. I don’t know what the fuck these idiots were doing deep in Sinaloa country, but I was sure they regretted it now. The trip took a few hours during which I tried to reach Jaya no less than six times, but she never answered.
Something was wrong, I just knew it. But there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it right now. So I turned off my phone, coordinated with logistics. I hoped it might have been Jaya manning the station, but again, it wasn’t. All I could do at this point was focus on getting two rich assholes out of Mexico without getting any of my men hurt or killed in the process.
Still it pissed me off. She could at least return my call and let me know she’s all right. But…maybe I’d read this all wrong. Maybe we weren’t both falling in love again. Deeper in love. Maybe I was the dumbass falling in love, while Jaya was out for revenge, or maybe just a fling. Was I her rebound from her life falling apart?
Shit! I hated this part of relationships, and it had never been this difficult between me and Jaya.
Why was it so difficult now when it had been so perfect before?
“Yo Boss, we need to get the hell out of here. Now!”
I blinked at Gabe’s harsh words and ducked into the jet. The sun hadn’t risen yet and we needed to get the fuck out of dodge before anyone realized their prisoners had been taken and no ransom would be paid.
Finally though, I was headed back to Chicago.
Back to Jaya.
And back to reality. Whatever that was for us.
Jaya
I hated this time of year. Wished I could sleep through it every single year, and most years I could, because I rarely took time off work for personal matters. This year though, everything had conspired against me.
First, I’d planned a special meal so that Colt and I could hash out the details of the past. I know, Mom was right that it was a long time ago and I should really be over it by now. But I wasn’t. I didn’t think I would ever be over it, but I did think there was a possibility I could forgive Colt so that we could move forward.
In fact, I was worried that I had already forgiven him. But dinner was supposed to help me figure it out. Only he’d called about twelve hours later to tell me he was in the air on his way to D.C. for work. I could respect that if he hadn’t already stood me up, making me think about the last time he’d left me hanging. Still we talked on the phone and things seemed okay if a little strained on my part.
Then he went to Mexico and hadn’t even bothered to tell me. Which, funnily enough, told me exactly where I stood in this relationship. So when he finally remembered I existed, I hadn’t bothered picking up any of his calls. Childish, I know, but I couldn’t get over my hurt.
By the time this week rolled around, I was a complete wreck. I’d called Ann and told her I wouldn’t be in until Wednesday, claiming sickness. Heartsick counts, right? This was the week I had lost everything and I was a blubbering mess all over again. How this pain could still consume me, a decade later, seemed unfathomable. But from the moment I’d woken up an unbearable sadness had pinned me to the bed. Full of melancholy, with a heavy heart that made every breath hurt.
I went through the same ritual I did every year, digging the memory box out of the back of my closet. Covered in pink, red and white roses, I pulled the lid off and the tears came straight away at the sight of the little booties with teddy bears on them. I pulled out the first and only sonogram image I had of my baby, a U.S. Navy t-shirt I’d bought when it became clear Colt had no interest in being a father. The tears came in a deluge as I took in every memory sprawled all over the sofa and the coffee table. Then I sank back into the devastation of that time. Alone.
Completely and totally alone. Eventually I’d come clean to my mom and she did her mother thing, soothing and comforting me. At least providing any comfort that could be had after miscarrying a child. Which, as it turns out, was none.
Even today it hurt as bad as it had the first time around. I knew it wasn’t healthy, but I felt hopeful that clearing the air with Colt, finding out why he’d never said a word, not even a “I don’t want to be a dad,” would help me heal.
Now someone’s fist tried to beat down my door. Standing on shaky legs I scanned the living for the box of tissues that would make me appear not so frightening to whoever was trying to get my attention. I did the best I could, wiping away tears and drying my nose as I padded towards the door on leaden legs. The moment my fist curled around the doorknob I knew it was Colt, and though I didn’t want to have the conversation this way, he’d taken the choice out of my hands.
“Yes?” Not exactly my most eloquent moment, but he had been beating down my door like he had something to say.
Shock was the first emotion that registered on his face and I felt sure it had everything to do with my appearance. Baggy grey sweat pants and dark green Tulane hoodie with bare feet, never mind my hair sticking up in all directions, red nose and bloodshot eyes. I knew what I looked like because his face said it all.
“What’s wrong? I’ve been trying to call you for days.”
I turned away and went back to my spot on the sofa. “Except for when I needed you to call Colt.”
The door closed and locked, he walked into the living room with his arms crossed and a dark look on his face. “What the hell does that mean?”
“It means you should have called me to say you would be late, to say that you were leaving D.C. for Mexico. Not after you’re already lat
e. Or gone. Again.”
That’s when I knew that this wouldn’t be a pretty conversation. It would be ugly and probably painful, and there was a good chance when it ended we would no longer be together. Again.
“Is that what this is about? You’re punishing me for not telling you every little detail?”
A bitter laugh escaped, and I shook my head, wondering not for the first time if this was useless. Were Colt and I destined to fail? Would this happen across all timelines, all lives in all dimensions?
“You think that’s what I’m doing? Of course you do.” My heart cracked and then splintered, but for now, still whole. “It doesn’t matter. Why did you come here?”
“To make sure you’re all right. To find out why you’re not at work.” His gaze took me in, glancing over the items spread around me.
“As you can see I’m fine. I’ll be back at work on Wednesday.” Maybe. I might not have a job before this day was over.
“Clearly you’re not fine, so why don’t you talk to me Jaya?” He dropped down in the chair just to the left of where I sat. Close but not close enough. Message received.
“I thought about it, but then you proved to me again that I don’t matter to you so no, I don’t think I will. You should probably just go.” Another crack formed in my heart, making it hard to breathe.
“Dammit Jaya! Why is this so hard? It never was this hard before, was it?”
“Not for you Colt. You left before it got hard and made sure you never had to deal with it.”
“I need a beer,” he jumped up and his long-legged stride carried him to the kitchen. The fridge opened and closed, then the bottle cap popped as his footsteps retraced his steps. “What the…are you pregnant?”
“Not anymore, but you know that.” I didn’t know what Colt was playing at but I felt my anger go from simmering to boiling.
“I have no idea…are you saying you had an abortion while I was away?”
“Stop! Just stop this right now! You’re a lot of things Colt but I never thought you were cruel.” So much for being strong. The tears fell fast enough to blur my vision but if this is how he wanted to play it then maybe it’s what we both needed. “I would never have an abortion, not after losing a child. You know the one you didn’t give one damn about?”
“Child? What are you talking about?”
Here goes. “I hated it but I understood that maybe you didn’t want to talk to me, after all you left me with no notice so I knew I wasn’t all that important to you. But when I emailed you that I was pregnant I expected something, even if it was just a message telling me to fuck off, but I didn’t get even that. When I lost my baby at five months I thought for sure you’d at least contact me. When you didn’t, I knew. I loved you more than you ever loved me.” And apparently that was still true. “So now you know what’s wrong Colt. Today was the day I lost my baby and every year I’m a wreck about it, so please leave. If I still have a job I’ll be back on Wednesday.”
“What? I don’t understand,” his voice trailed off but I was too lost in my emotions to hear him. To be aware of anything outside my grief. “Jay goddammit explain. Please.”
I looked his way but could see nothing thanks to my tears. “If you want an explanation Colt you should have read the emails I sent at the time. I don’t have the energy to explain,” I told him and stood, making my way back up to my big comfy bed. I could just collapse onto the pillow top and soon sleep would claim me and I could forget.
Just for a little while.
Colt
Well that explained every fucking thing, didn’t it? I felt like an even bigger asshole now than I ever did. All this time I thought Jaya hated me for changing our plans, for leaving her to go the Navy without much notice. Fuck that, without any notice. I could admit that now.
I’d been thinking about joining for a few months but I didn’t know how to tell her because I didn’t want to leave her. Worse, I didn’t want her to talk me out of going because I never wanted to resent her. So I’d gone to the Navy recruitment center close to campus, signed all the paperwork and told her at the last fucking minute. And now I realize what exactly I had lost. Why Jaya had been so hostile towards me.
Idiot that I was I thought she’d been hanging on to teenage heartbreak when it had been so much more than that.
Pregnant.
Alone.
Abandoned.
That’s exactly how Jaya must have felt when she never heard from me, because it’s exactly what I would have felt. Hell, that’s how I had felt when she never reached out to me, never cared whether or not I had survived basic training. War. I’d felt abandoned and alone, when I’d thought we’d spend the rest of our lives together. Now I knew the truth.
When the door closed on a quiet click upstairs I took the seat Jaya had vacated and picked up the sonogram, dated almost four months to the date of my departure for recruit training. Twenty–two weeks. Baby boy Martinson. We would have had a fucking boy. My son.
It explained so much, yet somehow explained nothing at all. How could someone wear socks this tiny? The Navy onesie looked like it had been made for a doll. No wonder Jaya was a mess. And she had to deal with this level of grief every year? For the past decade? Hell knowing what I did it was a miracle she’d even let me get close enough to inhale her sweet scent, let alone touch her. Make love to her.
I packed the items away, making sure to snap a photo of the sonogram so I could have a copy for myself. Fuck I needed answers but I couldn’t disturb Jaya, she obviously needed the oblivion of sleep.
But first I needed to do something. Anything to take care of Jaya in a way she couldn’t outright refuse. So, I went to the kitchen and pulled out Italian sausage, onions, peppers and tomato sauce. I sautéed the vegetables and sausages, added the sauce, seasoning and herbs, letting it simmer while my mind refused to quiet down. Why didn’t I receive those emails? Her lack of communication had left me feeling angry, rejected and questioning every moment we’d ever spent together.
I went in search of paper and left a note on the counter about the food, now warming in the oven. I did go upstairs to check on her and left her phone on vibrate on the nightstand beside her. Taking one final look at her, I left with all of my questions unanswered.
But I knew just who had the answers I needed.
***
“So how long have you both known that Jaya was pregnant when I left for the Navy and then miscarried?”
I drove straight from Jaya’s house to Lake Shore Drive, slamming on the brakes in Ma’s guest parking spot and hardly able to contain my impatience to see them. Ma had been surprised and then worried when I insisted she accompany me to Sharon Martinson’s apartment.
“Colt we thought you knew,” Sharon answered calmly. Green eyes so like her daughter’s staring at me with concern.
My fist slammed on the dining table in anger, making the plate of macadamia nut cookies jump a few inches in the air.
“You thought…you both thought I knew about the baby and chose to abandon it and Jaya?” I didn’t know whether to be insulted or angry, so I went for both. “You too Ma?”
Ma took her time, the way she used to when Garrett and I were kids, formulating her answer so it was firm but kind. And giving us plenty of time to squirm. Only this time I didn’t squirm. I waited impatiently.
“I figured there was a reason you didn’t answer her emails, and once you finished basic training I didn’t want to burden you while you were off doing dangerous things.”
“But you never brought it up, not once.”
“Jaya asked us not to,” Sharon said from the kitchen, bringing three crystal tumblers and a decanter of scotch, or maybe whiskey. I didn’t give a damn which because it’s just what I needed. “She was so devastated by the miscarriage that she didn’t want to bring it up again. For about two weeks after leaving school she didn’t even talk, just walked around like a half-dead zombie. Finally, she told me she didn’t want to talk about the baby anymore, ever aga
in.”
“A couple months later she announced she was returning to school. In Louisiana.” Ma placed a hand on top of mine, sympathy all over her face. I hated it.
“Well contrary to what you both think, I found out about the baby about an hour ago when I found Jaya crying over a few keepsakes. Including a sonogram.”
“Oh honey,” they said simultaneously, both women descending upon me in a cloud of expensive perfume and pure mom loving. They hugged me for a long time and finally Sharon pulled back first, cupping my face with a soft smile. “How can that be?”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to figure out.” It just didn’t make sense. “I got messages from Ma and Garrett all the time but never any from Jaya.”
“Well yeah but the first couple I sent after basic training bounced back.” Ma’s brows furrowed and she dropped back into her seat rather ungracefully.
“How is that possible? My military address was activated…right away.” Shit. Shit, shit and double shit. “Jaya didn’t have my Navy email address.” She must’ve sent it to my old college email address. For all my talk of Jaya never reaching out to me…, “I never even gave her a way to contact me when I left.” We’d parted ways after an ugly fight and there hadn’t been any time to make up because I left too soon. Dammit! “It’s all my fault.”
“It seems like she’s forgiven you,” Sharon said, eyes warm and kind. “You’ve gotten close again.”
That was true, at least it had been until a couple hours ago. “I’m not so sure anymore Sharon.”
“Then what the hell are you doing here with us. Not that we don’t love having you here,” Ma added with a small tilt of her lips. “You should be there for her when she’s ready to talk. Or just hold her while she cries.”
That sounded nice, and it had the benefit of being exactly what I wanted to do. Wrap Jaya in my arms and let her know I would always be there for her. Yeah that sounded nice. I opened my mouth to speak but Sharon stopped me.
Seal'd to Her: A Billionaire Second Chance Romance Page 7
