by Amy Richie
I’m sorry I was afraid of you. I’m sorry I doubted you. I should have listened to you. I should have waited for you to finish whatever business you had in London. I should never have pushed you to tell me things you didn’t want to. This is all my fault, and I’m sorry. Please don’t blame yourself. I love you. I have loved you ever since I first knew you. It hasn’t changed at all–this changes nothing. I’ll always love you, no matter what you are.
But I couldn’t say any of these things. It was like my tongue was stuck to the roof of my mouth. I could only watch helplessly as he scooped me up like a small child, as if I weighed nothing at all.
I whimpered against his chest from the pain in my legs. Once he had me off the ground, I could see that we were surrounded by a small crowd of people. I saw their mouths moving, but I couldn’t hear their words over the thudding of Marcus’s heart against my ear.
“Is she going to be okay?” Sylvia’s voice broke through my haze.
“I don’t know. Her heart beat isn’t strong enough.”
We moved quickly along the streets back towards home. I couldn’t believe how far I’d come, how foolish I had been. Marcus hadn’t hurt me in all this time; in fact, he had only saved me time after time. If my legs weren’t hurting so badly, I would have asked him to forgive me. If only I wasn’t bleeding from the scratches on my face and arms, I would have thrown myself at his feet. I only hoped I could tell him how sorry I was.
When we reached the house, Marcus took me into the front parlor and laid me out on one of the long couches. I tried to protest.
“Marcus,” I gasped, “I’ll get blood all over in here.”
I knew how much the servants hated for us to make messes in the front parlor. My breath was coming too weak, though, to be able to put up much of a fight.
“Just lie back,” Sylvia ordered gently, but firmly.
“The mess?” But she only shook her head sadly. I was starting to feel so sleepy all of a sudden. It was so hard to keep focused on anything.
“Claudia,” his voice came out a tortured cry.
I tried to focus only on him in those final moments of my life. I knew I was close to death, but nothing hurt. The pain in my legs was completely gone. I wanted to tell Marcus that I was okay, but I couldn’t seem to find my voice.
“Can you hear me?”
Yes!
“We have to change her.” I heard Sylvia’s voice from somewhere above me.
“We can’t.” It was nice that David was there, too, but I only saw Marcus.
“We have to,” Sylvia’s voice was raised in panic.
“Sylvia…”
“I’ll do it,” Marcus spoke up, but his voice sounded so far away.
Sylvia’s face was above me suddenly, floating in and out of focus. “You’re going to be just fine, honey,” her voice echoed in my head.
Sylvia.
I would miss my friend. She had become like a sister to me. I was ashamed that I had run from her. They were only trying to help. It was all my fault that this had happened, and now they would suffer, too.
“Claudia,” Marcus was above me again, but I hadn’t seen Sylvia move. “Can you hear me, my love?”
He was starting to get fuzzy and I had to blink to bring my eyes back into focus. I wasn’t afraid of him now, though; not when he looked at me with such love shining in his eyes.
I let my shoulders sink deeper into the cushion. I was no longer concerned about the mess I would make of the lovely fabric. I just wanted to go to sleep, but Marcus was shaking me. “Claudia!”
“Yeah,” I mumbled.
“Just stay with me,” he pleaded. “Wake up, Claudia.”
I’m awake. But I wasn’t sure if I said that out loud or not. My eyes felt too heavy to hold open anymore. I just wanted to sleep for a few minutes, then I would get up and do whatever he was asking of me.
I tried to tell him that, but he was gone. I couldn’t hear him or feel him any longer; he had left me. The ache I felt over his absence was so much worse than the pain I felt when the horse ran me over. I took a deep breath.
“Someday, I’m going to touch one of those stars, Uncle Philip.”
“Why would you want to do that for, child?”
“I want to capture one and keep it in my pocket.”
“You can’t hold on to that kind of beauty,” he shook his wrinkled head slowly, “No, you’re only meant to look at them.”
“But they’ll go away when the sun comes out and I won’t see them anymore.”
“You’ll just have to look at them and admire them while you can.”
“But I want to keep it with me always.”
“It just doesn’t work like that, Claudia.” He took my small hand in his and squeezed tight. “That’s not how it works.”
I screamed out loud. The pain was so intense. I couldn’t understand where it was coming from. Was I on fire? Had I finally reached the stars only to realize that they burned like fire?
Chapter Thirty
I opened my eyes slowly, the light already burning them through the lids. The light streamed into the tiny slits like knives. I cringed back, but at least the burning was almost gone.
I was lying in a bed, but it wasn’t my bed. There was no one in the room with me, but I could hear voices. Where was everyone?
Claudia.
“Marcus?” My voice sounded strange, like I was floating in the sky. Nothing felt real.
I’m so sorry. It was so wrong to make you like me. I could never give you up, though. You would have died.
There was no one in the room with me, I knew that, but Marcus sounded so close– almost like he was inside my head. Where was he? Why wasn’t he here with me now? I needed him to be here.
My need for Marcus was overwhelming. Nothing else mattered. I heard his heart beating as he came up the stairs–and like he was another part of my dream, the door opened and there he was.
“You’re awake?” He sounded so strained. What was wrong?
I am so selfish. Why couldn’t I leave you in Hamel?
“What?”
“I’m glad to see you’re finally awake.” He approached the bed and cautiously kneeled beside me.
My head turned to watch him. “I’m sorry.” For everything. I was so ashamed to have run from him.
“You have no reason to be sorry.” I should be begging for your forgiveness. I’m so weak.
“Where is everyone?”
“They’re here.” I didn’t dare take my eyes from his face. It had been two days since the accident and I still couldn’t get enough of him.
My throat burned. It felt like I had just swallowed a knife and the edge had scraped the inside of my throat all the way down. “It hurts,” I croaked.
“I thought you said the burning was starting to fade.” Marcus rose up to push my hair back from my forehead.
“It’s in my throat. It burns.”
“Ah,” he smiled gently.
Pictures danced through my head, pictures that I didn’t understand. Men wearing funny clothes and women scantily clad. There was so much blood. I cringed back in the bed.
“What is it?” he asked quickly. “Where does it hurt now?”
“There’s so much blood.”
He breathed deeply, once again the ancient man. “One day soon, you will understand everything, my love.”
I tried to swallow past the pain, but my mouth was so unbearably dry. “I’m so thirsty. Can I have some water?”
“Water won’t help you now.” He got up anyways and brought the full glass to my lips.
As soon as the cool liquid touched my tongue, I wanted to spit it back out. With a great effort, I managed to get most of it down my throat, but refused any more.
“With time,” he cooed as he wiped some of the water from my chin, “with time, you will be able to handle water once again.”
“It tastes awful.” I scrunched my face up like a small child. “Everything is so different. What is wrong with me?”
“Nothing is wrong with you, my Claudia,” his eyes grew too moist, but he didn’t look away. “I’m sorry that I’ve done this to you.”
His heart beat loudly, echoing in my ears. It was strange that I could hear it so clearly.
“It’s your new senses,” he murmured quietly.
“Is it why I can hear so well?”
“Yes. Each day it will become stronger.”
“Am I like you now?”
He hesitated. I heard the air traveling down into his lungs; saw the slight rise of his chest. “You are,” his voice came out like a heavy sigh.
“What’s going to happen to me now?”
“You need to hunt.”
“Hunt?” I already knew what I needed, but I wanted to hear him say it.
He nodded slowly. “You need blood. It will make the pain go away.”
“I don’t like blood.”
“You will,” he promised without a smile.
“Marcus,” I clutched tight to his hand, “it’s like I can hear what you’re thinking.” I knew I sounded like a crazy person, but maybe Marcus could explain it to me.
“We’re bonded, my love.”
“What does…what does that mean?”
He ran his forefinger along the top of my nose to smooth away the lines there. “My blood runs through you and your blood runs through me. We are one.”
I smiled at his words. “We are?”
“We are.” His smile was slow, but it widened across his handsome face.
“I’m glad you made me like you.”
“I had to save you.” We stared at each other over the folds of our fingers for a long time. Finally, he took his hand away from mine so he could trace the lines of my neck. “Will you hunt?”
I nodded silently.
* * * * *
The sound of the man’s blood sickened me, and yet a new sensation was also there. I ran my tongue over my newly formed teeth. The four sharp teeth had grown to be over two inches long. After I got past the panic, I wondered if I’d be able to talk.
Sylvia chuckled from a shadow in the alley where we were gathered. “You won’t need to with us,” she said.
“You can hear my thoughts,” I said awkwardly around my teeth.
“Yes,” David said, also amused.
Why can’t I hear their thoughts, I wondered.
“It comes with time,” Marcus answered my unasked question.
“How much time?” I slurred.
Marcus grabbed my elbow and spoke close to my ear. “You sound ridiculous,” he murmured. I gave him a dirty look, but it didn’t have the desired effect. He laughed and pinched my chin between his thumb and forefinger.
“How much time?” I repeated, this time without moving my lips.
“It’s different for all of us,” Marcus answered, shrugging his shoulders. “If you stay with the same family for a length of time, you pick up their thoughts easy enough.”
“Can you read human minds?”
“It’s easier to read human minds. Most of them are so shallow.” My face slumped. I wondered if he had known all my thoughts the whole time I lived with him. I blanched at the thought. Marcus smiled and shook his head. “Ah, Claudia,” he whispered and pulled me to his chest.
“It’s not like we just sit around and listen to human thoughts,” Sylvia chimed. “Mostly we just tune them out.” She gave an amused look to David.
“It’s hard to say, really,” David went into his scientific mode, “It’s never been experimented fully. We would assume the more time spent with humans makes it considerably easier.”
My mouth dropped open and Sylvia swatted his arm. “She doesn’t care,” Sylvia told him.
“She asked,” he reminded her.
Marcus pulled himself away from me so he could look in my face. “With time, you’ll be able to read our thoughts as well as we can read yours,” he comforted me.
I couldn’t possibly be upset when he was looking at me like that. I smiled, but when my lips pulled tight, I felt my oversized teeth again.
“You’re thirsty,” he reminded me. I grimaced at the word.
“Can’t we drink animal blood?” I asked.
Sylvia made a gagging sound. “No,” she said sharply.
“We technically can,” David explained.
I latched onto the less repulsive idea.
“But,” he amended, “it won’t satisfy you. It will keep you alive and that is all.”
“What else do I need?” I thought with sadness.
“You need to be strong,” Sylvia said. “You won’t be able to be out in the sun when you are weak, and any other…skills you could acquire won’t be possible when you’re weak.”
“Animal blood is for emergency situations,” David said patiently.
Before I could ask anything else, Marcus turned me to face the alley again where the man lay sleeping. “Can you hear him, Claudia?” he asked in a whisper.
I pushed my new senses outward and tried to hear the man as much as I could.
I heard his steady breaths of sleep first; and then I heard his heart beating slowly. His blood flowed deliciously through his veins. I got a sudden scent of blood and my teeth throbbed painfully.
“It’s time,” Marcus declared in a flat voice.
I nodded once. He was right, I was a vampire and I needed to learn how to hunt. No matter how repulsive it seemed, I had to live on blood now. My nose crinkled at the thought of it, but I crept forward.
I felt Marcus in my head as I knelt there beside the old man. It wasn’t hard to see the place where his blood pumped the strongest. The tiny fluttering beneath his skin gave me strange sensations in my belly. It was unlike anything I had ever felt before.
I slid my tongue slowly along my bottom lip. The rhythm of the man’s blood mesmerized me until everything else faded away. The man wasn’t even there anymore– just that one spot–beckoning me forward.
One tiny bite and I would be filled with the delicious warmth of the blood. When my teeth sank into his skin, I was surprised at how soft it was. My new teeth sank into him like butter. And the taste! It was better than anything.
Better than a horse ride through the long meadow grass, better than brushing my hair in front of the vanity, better than sipping water from the crystal clear stream that ran behind our house, even better than breathing.
The warm liquid filled my entire body with pure energy. It was different than eating food, but the sensation of filling an empty place was the same. I knew if I could see myself, I would be shining light from the tips of my fingers.
The steady beat filled my ears so I could hear nothing else. Then it started to fade away until it was gone completely. The absence of that sound was so unbearably sad.
I think I killed him.
“It happens sometimes, Claudia,” Sylvia tried to comfort me. “He was close to death already. It’s okay.”
“It’s not okay,” I whispered fiercely.
“We do what we have to do to survive.” She was close by my side, touching my shoulder.
“Even murder?”
“You can’t think in human terms anymore.”
I looked back at the dead man by my feet. Marcus had told me I didn’t have to kill him. He had tried to teach me how to stop, but I hadn’t been able to. I had killed someone. Guilt and shame filled me.
“Claudia.” I looked up at Marcus, who had come to stand near me. He reached his hand down to help me up. I didn’t need his help, but I took his hand anyways.
“I killed him. I’m sorry.” I let him wrap his big arms around me and pull me into his chest. It was the only place I felt safe–especially from myself.
“We’re going to hunt.” Sylvia’s eyes shone bright with excitement.
“We’ll meet you back at the house,” David added.
I felt Marcus nod, but he didn’t say anything. “Will you go with them?”
“I don’t need to just yet.” He squeezed my shoulders. “I’ll get you
home first.”
“Marcus?”
“Yeah?”
“Will I ever get better?”
“You will, Claudia. This was your first time. It was expected.”
“You knew I was going to kill that man?”
“It does happen from time to time.”
We walked along in silence back to the house. How easily Marcus accepted the fact that I had just killed someone. Was that what he expected me to turn into? Did I have any choice?
Like two shadows, we stole back into the house and up to our room. None of the servants woke up. “Will you be okay here by yourself?”
“Yes.”
“Claudia…”
“I’m okay, Marcus. You go.” I smiled tightly up at him. “Just hurry back.” Our lips met briefly before he left. I barely saw him go.
I walked slowly to the window and flung it open wide. With a courage I never had before, I stepped out onto the high roof. I perched expertly on the ledge and hung my feet over.
I couldn’t see the stars; the clouds were too thick. The snow had picked up and blanketed the entire city, but I didn’t feel cold at all. My heart hammered in my chest, but the rhythm was all wrong. Nothing would ever be the same.
Somewhere in the city, three vampires roamed for their next victim. And somewhere in the city a man was dead. I had killed him. Now I was a monster, too.
Chapter Thirty-One
It was hard to sleep that night. Marcus came home and found me still on the roof. He didn’t say anything about the tears on my lashes. He sat beside me and didn’t say anything.
Time seemed to move differently with my new senses. There was much about the world that I simply never noticed before, like the sound the snow made when it hit the ground; I never realized it made a sound at all.
“How can you stand it?” I asked him after a long silence.
“You get used to it.”
“It’s just so…”
“Beautiful?”
“Scary.” The word drifted out into the night, touching everything it passed.
“What are you afraid of?”
