The Ugly Kids: To Hell in a Handbasket

by Renee Adams

sludge-green eyes crinkled with laughter.

  He was carrying a basket, holding it by the bottom.

  “When are you going to ditch the worm and date a real Goblin?” Tog asked, flexing so that his sweaty chest swelled. Lily supposed that there were muscles under the layer of fat, but all she saw was a slight rise where a muscle might be. His flesh jiggled.

  With Gohber safely on his feet, Lily glared at Tog.

  “When I see a real Goblin, I’ll let you know,” she retorted, her thick fingers curled into fists on her hips.

  Tog scowled, advancing on them. He really was big for a Goblin. As big as Lily!

  Ridiculously, Gohber threw himself in front of Lily, as if to somehow protect her from Tog by putting his tiny frame in the way.

  Tog stopped a couple feet from Gohber and Lily though, thrusting the basket out at his older, if smaller, brother. He was still holding it by the woven bottom, which Lily thought was strange.

  “Bring that to Mom,” Tog said, but there was an evil gleam in his eyes that Lily didn’t like.

  Lily slapped down Gohber’s arm when he reached up to take it.

  “Why don’t you bring it to her?” Lily demanded suspiciously.

  “Dad wants me to get more rats for the appetizers,” Tog grunted, shoving it at Gohber again.

  Gohber grinned widely. “Sure!”

  Lily couldn’t see anything at all in or on the basket. As far as she could tell, it was completely empty and clean of anything that might hurt Gohber’s skin, so this time when Gohber reached for it, she didn’t move to stop him.

  Suddenly, Gohber seemed small to Lily. Well, smaller than usual.

  An instant later, Lily realized this was because he really was getting smaller. He was shrinking at an alarming rate until he fit neatly inside the large basket.

  “Gohber!” Lily cried, making a grab for him. Her fingers closed over something, but the basket zoomed off between the garbage piles faster than Lily could ever hope to go.

  In her shaking hand was Gohber’s red yo-yo.

  “What have you done to him?!” Lily cried. Without Gohber around, Tog and his brothers would try to “court” her. Their father would try to eat her. And their mother...well, Lily wasn’t sure what she would do, but she was certain it would be far worse than the first two options. She was doomed unless she got Gohber back!

  “I didn’t do nothing,” Tog chuckled. “Ready for some real Goblin lovin’?”

  Furious, Lily grabbed one bat ear of Tog’s and yanked as hard as she could. The Goblin let out a surprisingly girlish squeal of pain.

  “WHAT DID YOU DO TO GOHBER?!” she shouted straight into it.

  Tog cringed, shoving Lily away.

  “I sent him to Hell in a handbasket!” he shouted back, shoving his finger into his ear and swirling it around. Then, realizing he was free, he ran for it at a strange, quick, waddling gait, straight into the garbage mounds.

  Lily didn’t follow. She knew better than to entertain ideas that she might be able to find Tog in there. The Goblins knew the dump’s maze better than she ever would.

  She gripped Gohber’s yo-yo tightly in one hand and resolutely entered the castle. Someone had to explain to Gohber’s parents what had happened, and Lily wanted to do it before Tog did. She wasn’t exactly sure who Gohber’s mother and father would believe, but she wanted to make the first report.

  The inside of the garbage castle was so surprisingly spectacular that Lily had to stop short for a moment just to gape at her surroundings.

  The entrance hall was like nothing Lily had ever seen. Yes, it was all garbage, but it wasn’t disgusting at all.

  The floors were mostly silver, covered in things that had once been silver serving trays, bits and pieces of silver cans, chrome hubcaps and bumpers, polished pots, doorknobs and drawer handles, and so many other things. Each had been melted around the edges to create a bumpy, silvery mass that looked like shining cobblestone. The vaulted ceiling had been created using the same technique, only there was a huge mosaic in the center of it made of broken glass, stone, and ceramic, depicting a great and bloody Goblin...celebration? Goblins were obviously feasting, but there were severed heads and what looked like duels going on.

  Lily tore her eyes away from that, examining the walls.

  The walls were more metal, this time shining gold instead of silver. On them hung some of the most grotesque and gruesome paintings and portraits that Lily could have ever imagined. Many of them looked like they had been painted in real blood.

  Sickened, Lily looked away.

  Ancient and foul-smelling La-Z-Boys had been placed around the glittering room alongside sparkling metal cases filled with grisly trophies and precious gems.

  “Welcome.”

  Lily jumped at the sound of a voice and noticed the Goblin Queen emerging from a gold and silver corridor.

  She was a short, thin Goblin, perhaps half Lily’s height. Her hair was long and black and greasy, but her copious armpit hair was longer and flowed behind her alongside her mane. Today, she was in a proper dress that had once been gray, but it was filthy and emanated an odor that spoke of skunk. Her skin was very tanned, and her eyes were bright green, but her face was homely at best and very pointed, much like Gohber’s, although the Goblin Queen could never have passed for Human, while Gohber could.

  As the queen approached though, her pace slowed, and her eyes narrowed.

  “Where is my son?”

  The Goblin woman was tiny, but Lily still quailed under those sharp eyes. Without Gohber, she realized, they might still eat her!

  “I, um...Tog gave him...something. It looked like a basket. I tried to stop him, but...”

  Lily held out her shaking hand to show the red yo-yo. “...that was all I could catch.”

  The queen tsked and shook her head.

  “How careless of you,” she admonished. “You are supposed to be protecting my son.”

  “I tried,” Lily protested. “But now he’s in Hell, and I’m not sure what to do!”

  Queen Hoge gave Lily a look that conveyed disappointment. “Of course you go after my son and bring him back.”

  “What?!” Lily demanded. “You’re telling me to go to Hell?! That’s impossible!”

  “Of course it isn’t, my dear,” Queen Hoge grinned, and there was a sharp, challenging edge to the expression. She clapped her hands twice.

  A moment later, a Goblin who was slightly taller than the short queen arrived, bowed until his belly touched the silver floor, and offered up a basket to Her Majesty.

  Queen Hoge took the basket without a word, holding it from the bottom, and the Goblin scurried away.

  The Queen pushed the basket toward Lily. “King Grom and I used to take regular excursions to Hell.”

  A reminiscent look entered her eyes, and she smiled slightly. “My, the things we did to turn the place upside down. Tog must have taken his father’s basket. You must take mine. Retrieve my son.”

  “But...you’re...you’re kid—”

  The queen gave her such a glare that Lily just sighed. “Fine,” she muttered sullenly.

  “I can stall my husband for an hour,” Queen Hoge told her. “The basket will take you back again when you’ve found Gohber. If you do not return in time, or if you return without my son, I promise you, Human, I will allow my husband to eat you.”

  Lily swallowed hard, but a creepy sensation tickled its way up her spine when Queen Hoge grinned sinisterly.

  “I, uh...” Lily started. She cleared her throat to get the squeak out of her voice. “Yeah. I, uh...understand.”

  “Good. Go now.”

  Queen Hoge turned around, waving a hand carelessly, and left, her armpit hair waving like streamers as she went.

  Lily looked down at the basket in her hands and sighed. Her feet ached in her awful shoes, her dress was stained, and now she had to go extricate Gohber from Hell or be Dinner all over again!

  Lily turned her gaze heavenward. “Are you trying to tell me som
ething?” she demanded.

  “Don’t look at me! I didn’t say a word!”

  Lily caught sight of a small Goblin in a harness carefully polishing the silver ceiling above. He was glaring down at her with sharp eyes.

  With an irritated noise, Lily told him, “I wasn’t talking to you!”

  “Humans,” grunted the cleaning Goblin. He turned back to his work.

  She sighed, put Gohber’s yo-yo into her tiny, black purse, and grabbed the handle of the basket.

  The world grew larger and larger around her at an alarming rate until she found herself literally hanging from the basket handle! She released her hold on it and dropped down into the wicker bowl, falling down hard on her bottom.

  No sooner had she clambered up again to peek over the side than the basket took off with a whoosh!

  Lily let out a cry of fright and clung to the wicker side of the basket like her life depended on it.

  It did.

  The basket sped through the piles of garbage, moving faster than Lily had ever gone, it seemed. Then they were out! It zoomed between the legs of an old woman walking down a street and pulling a metal handcart, who didn’t even seem to notice. She just brushed her skirt back into place with an irritated movement. The basket clipped a telephone pole and tumbled end over end several times while Lily screamed with fright and held on as tightly as she could. They startled a dog who pulled its owner after them, got caught in a billowing plastic bag, then dove down a sewer grate.

  The ride from that point on was dark. Every so often, Lily caught a glimpse of wall nearby or heard moving water, but for the most part, all she felt was the jerky, rollercoaster-ride movements of the basket. Her grip on the enormous wicker logs that made up the basket was iron-hard now, which served her well, as she was nearly thrown from it several times.

  Finally, there was a burst of light, and the basket jerked to a stop, falling onto its side.

  Lily tumbled out, rolling on the ground, then lay there groaning for a long moment before noticing that the air smelled funny. It was almost like rotten eggs or a swamp, only this stench was stronger. And it was hot. Really hot. Sweat was already starting to trickle down her brow.

  Opening her eyes, Lily noticed that she was sprawled on the ground beside two small handbaskets. There was a black top hat next to one of them.

  “Gohber!” Lily whispered.

  Frantically, she looked around herself.

  In every direction as far as the eye could see was a strange, mountainous, volcanic wasteland. Everything stunk of sulfur, and not far off, a bubbling, hissing lava stream oozed down the side of the mountain she was on, mostly black with a few veins of bright orange. The sky was an oppressive dull red with no variation. She couldn’t see the sun or any clouds at all. Ash rained down around her.

  Then the ground shook with a sound like thunder and part of the ledge Lily was sitting on broke away.

  She let out a sharp gasp and scrambled backward.

  She hadn’t gone far before someone yelled, “CUT! That’s not our guy either! This one’s female!”

  Lily looked to the side.

  A strange creature was approaching. It looked a little like Dug, a little like King Grom, and a lot taller than both. It had dark skin, and tusks protruded from its mouth. Sharp red eyes glared out at her as he approached, tapping a rough club the size of a tree trunk against the palm of his free hand. He had a shock of red-brown patchy hair sticking out of each pointed ear. His nose was huge, but mostly Human-like if you ignored the yellow goo currently dribbling out of it. Ragged leathery clothes hung on his muscular frame, and there was a shiny metal button pinned to his open vest.

  “How did you get here, Goblin?!” demanded the creature. Spittle flew through the air, and he brandished his club angrily. Lily felt tiny, even when she stood, looking up at this furious man who must have been at least ten feet tall.

  “I...I’m not a G-Goblin...uh...the basket...” Lily said, pointing.

  She had felt helpless being around Dug the Troll. She had never imagined that there were larger creatures