The Ugly Kids: To Hell in a Handbasket

by Renee Adams

quickly, taking her cell phone out of her purse and checking it. She was nearly out of time! There were only five minutes left!

  With a deeply humiliated sigh, Hades threw his cloak over his shoulder so that it hung down his front and turned around.

  Gohber was there, clinging to Hades’ back. When he caught sight of her, he cried, “Lily!” in obvious relief.

  “Is this him?” Hades asked sourly.

  Now it was Lily’s turn to stare.

  “Why is he...on your back?” she asked slowly. “Is this some kind of punishment?”

  “Of course not!” Hades nearly shrieked. “When he was summoned here, he was so terrified that he leaped at me and clawed his way under my cloak! When he finally calmed down enough to explain, he couldn’t remove himself! He’s stuck! I can’t get rid of him! My wife, Persephone, thinks I’ve had a child with one of the furies and won’t let me in the house! Take him and go! Please!”

  Trying not to laugh (she was sure Hades wouldn’t forgive her), Lily tugged at Gohber’s hands.

  “Glue,” she announced. “I think he fell in a puddle of adhesive before he came here.”

  “Remove him. Somehow!” Hades ordered. “My subjects cannot see me like this! I’ll never live it down!”

  Lily looked at her phone. Three minutes.

  She hooked her arms around Gohber and yanked!

  There was a loud ripping noise, and Gohber came free, along with a large swatch of cloth from Hades’ clothing stuck to his hands.

  Hades let his cloak fall back into place, hiding the torn clothes. He muttered something about telling his wife that Cerberus had gotten a little feisty, then summoned their baskets which appeared on top of his desk.

  “Go,” he ordered, “and please don’t come back until you are actually dead! The dead are so much more agreeable than the living!”

  “We’re in no rush to come back,” Lily assured him. She shoved a basket at Gohber, and the Goblin was shrunk down to basket size and carried away.

  Then she grabbed her own basket. An instant later, she was off, zooming back up to the living world again.

  When the ride was over, the basket tipped and dumped her on the ground outside the castle with Gohber.

  “Lily came for me!” Gohber was cheering, hugging her around the middle with arms that didn’t reach very far around her body even as she laid on the ground in a heap, still holding onto the basket with one hand.

  She groaned, sitting up, then heaved herself to her feet. She grabbed Gohber’s arm and almost dragged him toward the castle.

  “C’mon!” she panted, waddling forward. “Your mom said they’d eat me if we weren’t back in an hour!”

  There was a little yelp of fear from Gohber, and he suddenly darted into the castle, far faster than Lily could have moved herself.

  Lily leaned against the garbage castle wall, trying to catch her breath.

  “I can’t believe you saved the runt,” came a gravelly voice from the side. “A girl like you should have a real Goblin!”

  Lily’s head snapped up, and her eyes narrowed on Tog, who had finally reemerged from the garbage maze.

  Pushing herself off the wall, Lily advanced on the enormous Goblin. He would have been a match for an athlete Lily’s size, but Lily was so furious that she didn’t care just then.

  As she reached him, Tog thrust one of his hands out to ward her off, the other covering his ear, as if worried she would grab it again.

  “Well, Gohber certainly isn’t a fake Goblin,” Lily said furiously.

  Then she hung the handle of the basket over Tog’s outstretched hand.

  There was a very un-Goblin-like squeal of fright from Tog, and the huge Goblin prince began to shrink.

  “Tell Hades I sent you,” Lily said viciously. “He’ll give you special treatment.”

  Then the basket was gone.

  Satisfied, Lily turned, picked up Gohber’s basket (by the bottom), and went into the castle.

  Lily was laughing as she and Gohber walked back up the steps to Lily’s house.

  The evening had been a lot more fun than Lily had anticipated. Those Goblins really knew how to throw a party! There had been hundreds of Goblins attending, some of them royalty, some not. There had been boxing matches between dinner courses, strange games where the game pieces had been made of precious metals and gems, heaps and heaps of food, insults and arguing, and some of the strangest music Lily had ever heard in her life!

  No one had missed Tog.

  Gohber’s sisters had made Lily feel right at home. Well, sort of. They had all told her that she should grow out her armpit hair, which was decidedly disgusting, but otherwise, they had been wonderful to her, explaining the various things that went on, quieting the grumblings of Gohber’s father, and telling her what was in each dish. Thanks to them, Lily had avoided the roast cat and sewer rat stew. And they had all thought that her torn, stained, and damp cucumber dress was wonderful. Their own clothing was artistically hideous too, each dress having been shredded or stained in ways that vaguely resembled patterns.

  To her surprise, a special main course had been provided, just for her: pizza. Real pizza too! Not some strange Goblin concoction that looked like pizza!

  According to Gohber’s sisters, the pizza had been Gohber’s request, and of course they all thought it was so wonderfully romantic. The only problem was that Lily couldn’t exactly disagree. It had been thoughtful.

  Then, halfway through the celebration, Queen Hoge had quietly pulled Lily aside. The queen’s words still buzzed in Lily’s ears.

  “My son has made a good choice for his future bride,” Queen Hoge had said. “I approve. Continue to protect him as you have today, and you shall be the next Goblin Queen when my time is done.”

  The words had nearly struck Lily senseless. She had known that Gohber was a prince of Goblins, but she had never actually thought of herself as a future queen. Especially not a Goblin queen!

  She wasn’t entirely certain she liked the idea, but before she could protest, she had been whisked away by one of Gohber’s sisters who had wanted to teach Lily how to dance the Goblin way. The Goblin way of dancing turned out to be something between MC Hammer and classical ballet. It was strange, and weird, and embarrassing at first, but with all the Goblins participating, Lily had finally joined in and had a blast.

  The crowning moment though had been when an Imp appeared with a poof of smoke next to the Goblin King and produced a letter. Hades had written to say that he would be borrowing Tog for a week. Apparently the lord of the underworld had plans for a new punishment that involved people being chased by Goblins in love with them.

  King Grom had frowned with confusion, but Queen Hoge had grinned ferally.

  Lily herself had been thrilled at the news. A whole week without Tog sitting behind her in class! What could be better?!

  “Lily did so well, even father couldn’t say anything!” Gohber crowed, almost bouncing around Lily in his exuberance.

  Lily couldn’t help laughing at the little pointed-faced, monopoly guy look-alike jumping in circles.

  “Your sisters helped,” she finally replied, grinning at Gohber. “They’re really nice.”

  At those words, Gohber sobered a little.

  “They’re nice to Lily because they think Lily might be Queen one day. Lily sent Tog to Hell, after all. If they decide Lily isn’t strong, they might...hurt...Lily...”

  Lily was suddenly a lot less giddy herself. “Oh. They want to be Queen, don’t they?” she asked.

  Gohber nodded, looking uncomfortable. Haltingly, he said, “If...Lily thinks my family is too dangerous, I can...abdicate...”

  She looked down at him in surprise.

  Gohber was looking down, shuffling now. The little Goblin was actually worried for her, enough that he would give up his claim to the throne for her! And all this time Lily had been treating him like some kind of annoying fly that wouldn’t stop buzzing around her ears.

  She suddenly felt like a heel
.

  “Let’s just...see how things go, alright?” she said finally, swallowing the lump in her throat.

  Gohber nodded, still not looking her in the eye.

  “Good night, Lily,” he sighed.

  He was about to turn and leave when Lily bent down and planted a kiss on his forehead, pressing his red yo-yo into his hand.

  “Night, Gohber,” she said and hurried into the house, her cheeks burning, leaving Gohber staring speechlessly after her.

  About the Author

  Renée Adams lives in New Jersey with many pets who kindly share their home with her. Between dreams of one day becoming the local "crazy cat lady" and fantasies of ruling the world with an army of robots, she writes, draws, plays video games, and does martial arts.

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