Hope

by Tia Wylder

  It was late autumn, so the air was crisp, but clean and refreshing. There was a light drizzle, but nothing serious enough to make Lily go back inside that horrible house to fetch a coat. The garden was peaceful, and the rain on her face helped Lily regain some of her composure. She wandered the courtyard for a while, imagining Rosie everywhere she looked, drawing strength from thinking of her child. Would Rosie like gardening? Would she like to make chains of daisies? Or would she eschew the garden and prefer to stay indoors and read?

  God give me strength of spirit, she thought, because Lily caught herself wandering toward the stables, thinking of how difficult or easy it might be to run away from this place. Would the drunk louse even notice that one of his horses was missing? Would he even notice that Lily was missing before he wanted to slake his lust with her body? She walked closer and closer, almost hypnotically, envisioning herself whisking Rosie away to the country where they might eke out a living as dirt farmers... surely that would be preferable to submitting herself to the horrendous Blackwood and his wretched son! But she could not bear the thought of Rosie going hungry again, no, Lily knew that this was the best she could do for her daughter, as awful a fate as it might seem.

  Run away or no, Lily knew that a ride would help clear her head, so she entered the stable to take a look around and get acquainted with the horses. However, the first sight that greeted her was not a horse to clear her head but a bare-chested Will Blackwood to further muddy it! Lily gasped, and her hand flew to her lips, and she felt her knees grow soft and that ticklish warmth between her legs again. Her other hand pressed itself against her corseted belly. Unlike his father, young Master Blackwood was slim and trim, with a bit of muscle on his body from participating in the occasional, fashionable sporting match, hunting or boxing or the like. Lily wondered what it was like to be held in those long, sturdy-looking arms, she wondered what it was like to writhe in those arms in the throes of pleasure, like Minnie did last night, and she was rooted to the spot, staring at Will and breathing hard.

  “Has your excessively tight corset finally cut off the air to your brain?” he laughed, hanging a brush on a nail nearby and patting his horse's rump. “Or perhaps you are stricken with memories from last night. Tell me, did you enjoy the show, my little voyeuse?”

  “Show?” Lily gasped stupidly, “Oh God in heaven-- you... you knew I was watching.” For some reason this thought both scandalized and aroused Lily something awful, and the conflicting feelings overwhelmed her. The faintness returned and her knees began to buckle, but Will stepped forward and caught her, hugging her gently but firmly against his bare skin, which Lily now saw was smudged here and there with dirt and bore a fine sheen of sweat. He smelled of a pleasantly heady aroma, a mixture of a healthy young man's sweat and also of tobacco and cologne. Her sex warmed to his touch and set her to trembling, but-- she told herself-- she hated Will and he was probably just mocking her. Embarrassed, Lily pulled away from him and smoothed her skirts with great dignity. “I don't need your help, Will Blackwood,” she sniffed.

  “No indeed. Not yet,” he chuckled, “surely you were only pretending to faint to test my resolve. But I wonder...” He came close to her again and cupped her cheek, and Lily was pliant when he turned her face toward him. She gazed up at his face, enraptured, stricken stupid by his handsomeness. “Mightn't you need help in dealing with my father? I am convinced he is the devil incarnate, and you, a delicate angel...” He leaned down and planted a chaste, but lingering kiss on Lily's lips. “I should hate to see my new mother suffer,” he said softly.

  It was a rare moment of earnestness from Will, and Lily didn't know what to do with it. Reminded of the situation, that was to be Will's stepmother, Lily yanked herself away from him with a huff. “You cad!” she growled, “You-- you skirt-chasing-- tosspot!” Will had been preparing to go out for a ride, and his horse was already tacked and saddled, so Lily brushed past him and mounted the beast herself. “As your new mother, I say you had best learn some manners, and stop victimizing the house staff, or I-- I'll tell your father!”

  “Tell father? He'll only be jealous that he's getting my seconds,” Will laughed.

  Disgusted, Lily galloped out of the barn with cheeks aflame and an aggravating undertow of desire in her heart.

  Chapter Five

  Blackwood Hall was situated on the outskirts of London, close enough to make it convenient to attend every important social event of the season and to be convenient to host gatherings if Lord Blackwood so chose, but far enough away from the press of humanity that the estate was large and country suitable for riding just a stone's throw away. Lily sped out of the gate and down the road, and before she knew it, tears were streaming down her face, mingling with the rain. How did that boy manage to be so aggravating, even as he managed to be so desirable? Why did Lily hate him, yet her heart bounded when she remembered his bare chest and tender kiss? And why, oh why, did the way the horse galloped press the saddle between her legs in a way that made her think of the night before?

  Lily rode until her gown was soaked through and her hair plastered to her head. She was shivering a little as she rode back, and although her heart was still in turmoil, she felt a bit better. The countryside was lovely and deep green, and she had certainly stayed in worse places. Lord Blackwood was nigh intolerable, but the knowledge that she should have Rosie with her here soon gave Lily immeasurable strength and hope. Then she wouldn't feel so alone. Then her life would have some purpose and joy. All she had to do was be strong for a little bit longer.

  Will was not in the stable when Lily finally returned, and as she dismounted and started removing the horse's saddle, she realized that she had, in at least some small way, hoped that he would still be there, and that he would give her another kiss. That kiss, she realized, was the first step on the path to that erotic bliss she had witnessed from her balcony, and Lily very much wanted to take the rest of the path, but she could not. She would not. If Lord Blackwood found out that she was being unfaithful, he would be very angry, he might hurt her, he might break off the engagement, he might never let Rosie come live with them. Lily breathed deep and steeled herself against her desire, reminding herself of what a boor Will Blackwood was and how he had his hand (and likely his head) up every noblewoman's skirt in all London.

  The manor was pleasantly warm when Lily went back in, wringing her skirts of mud and rain. She slipped her shoes off at the door and smiled a bit bashfully as the manservant, Old George, passed by with a tea tray.

  “Miss Minnie's layin' out your garments, mistress,” he said.

  “Garments?” Lily smoothed her skirts self-consciously. How had they known she would need to change?

  “Aye, you're to accompany Lord Blackwood this evenin' to a ball. You'll be leavin' in a few hours so best go get cleaned up. Miss Minnie'll help you.” Old George nodded and smiled. “I'll tell Lord Blackwood you're in.”

  “... thank you, George,” Lily whispered. She had known that she would be required to attend social functions with Blackwood, but this soon? Why, Lily hadn't even recovered from the journey yet, she hadn't yet been able to take a full meal or get a good night's rest! Just being in Blackwood's house was enough to make her want to weep, but how could she, a disgraced noble herself, face all of London high society on the arm of the biggest boor in Great Britain? Lily could only imagine what cruelty she might have to endure, and, seeing as Minnie was about to dress her for a formal party, Lily guessed she would be squeezed into another tiny corset and therefore would not get to eat before they left... ah, well, at least she had breakfast.

  She went upstairs and Minnie helped her out of her wet clothes. The moment was uncomfortable for Lily because she could only think about Minnie and Will together in the garden... until she changed into her dry corset, and Minnie pulled it tighter than ever.

  “Ooh, Minnie, I can't breathe,” Lily whispered, lashes fluttering as she saw stars, “I shall swoon if I wear it this tight.”

  “Lord Bla
ckwood's orders,” Minnie said with a shrug. “Sorry, ma'am. But don't you worry, these London society folk 'ave gotten queer in their fads, and what with you being so small and pale, you look downright consumptive. It's all the rage. They'll be fantastical jealous if you do swoon, ma'am. And... bein' with Lord Blackwood, it behoove you to make 'em jealous of your beauty, on account of they'll be cruel to you about your husband.” Minnie bit her lip and gave Lily's hip a friendly pat. “Don't worry miss, you'll 'ave a wonderful time.”

  Lily sighed as Minnie helped her into a beautiful, deep green ball gown made of silk. It seemed Minnie did not know that Lily, too, was in disgrace. No matter how fashionably consumptive she might appear, Lily knew that they would not likely be kind to her tonight. She only hoped she could keep herself together enough to get through the night without embarrassing herself or Lord Blackwood any further. Maybe if she did swoon she could be excused and sent home early!

  Chapter Six

  “Master Blackwood, have I something on my face?” Lily snipped.

  Will was sitting across from her in the carriage on the way to the ball. It was the debutante ball for Lord Blackwood's favorite niece, whose family were not quite so fantastically wealthy as the Blackwoods but far more respectable. Lily knew that many important people would be in attendance and she was very nervous, and Will was not helping. He had been staring at her since they got in the carriage. Lily felt self-conscious of her attire. The deep green gown bore her frail shoulders and the corset pressed her small breasts together, and the emerald hue of the gown set off her wan and fair complexion, so that she looked at once like Aphrodite and a porcelain doll. Her hair was pinned up elegantly, piled high on the back of her head, with just a few golden blonde curls framing her face.

  Will thought that she looked like an angel. He was positively spellbound. Every time he tried to tear his gaze from her, it wandered right back.

  Lord Blackwood paid not a whit of attention to his fiancee or his son. He puffed his pipe moodily and stared out the window, ignoring them both until the smoke made Lily begin to cough a little. Will spoke up then, “Do you intend to marry a corpse, Father?”

  “What?” Lord Blackwood shook his head and his jowls jiggled and he glared at his son. “The devil do you mean?”

  “Your wife,” Will said simply. Lily was pressing a handkerchief to her mouth in an effort to stifle the coughs.

  “Oh, bother,” Blackwood grumbled. “What's the matter with you, missy? Can't handle a little smoke?”

  “I'm fine, m'lord,” Lily gasped, because she did not want to displease Lord Blackwood by disturbing one of his favorite hobbies.

  “We're nearly there,” Will said to Lily. If she didn't know better, she would think he was trying to comfort her!

  The disembarked the carriage in front of a house with a beautiful limestone facade, all lit up with paper lanterns and decorated with potted flowers. Lord Blackwood exited first and trundled off, hollering after a business acquaintance, who looked embarrassed to be associated with Blackwood so publicly and tried to avoid him. Lily saw the exchange and even though she was marrying into this disgrace, she had to laugh.

  “Come, Mother dear,” Will said with a grin. Lily hated it when he called her that. He nimbly hopped out of the carriage and offered Lily his hand. She wanted to say she didn't need his help, but her head swam when she stood, so she accepted, blushing at his touch. In her nerves, without realizing it, Lily was squeezing Will's arm as she held on to him, and by the time they mounted the steps and entered the grand hall, Lily was shaking. Already people were giving her strange looks from the side of their eyes, whispering behind fans about the scandalized pauper, Lillian Monroe, and her engagement to the deplorable Lord Blackwood.

  Will deposited her near the punch table. “I shall return to you forthwith, but I must make the rounds.” He nodded to her, then whirled and disappeared into the crowd. Lily sat down again, too dizzy to even attempt to stand, too dazed to notice that Will was being polite to her, and stared in awe at the glittering crowd around her. So many beautiful, respectable people, she thought, and I don't belong among them at all. I am a fraud.

  But this is the life you will give to Rosie, another voice rejoined, and this thought made Lily so happy that she beamed at no one in particular, Rosie will grow up among all these fine, respectable people, and you will raise her well, so that no matter how wretched a man her step-father is, these people will love and accept her.

  Lily lost herself daydreaming about Rosie, and nearly screamed when Will materialized and bent down low and said, with his lips nearly brushing her ear, “When you smile like that, Mrs. Blackwood, you are the most beautiful woman in all London.” Lily turned and pouted at him for startling her, and, laughing, he straightened and crossed his arms. “When you look like that, however, you more resemble a sulking kitten.”

  “What do you want?” Lily demanded. “All of high society is already mocking me, Will Blackwood, I'll thank you not to rejoin the mockery, hm?” She patted her hair and looked away from him, trying to maintain some dignity, but it was impossible... every time Will so much as looked at her, Lily felt naked.

  “I love this song!” Will exclaimed as the quartet started. He took Lily's hand. “Dance with me, Mother. Please?”

  Lily's cheeks puffed as she prepared to refuse. But she did love to dance... and she hadn't had the chance in so long... and Lord Blackwood certainly wasn't going to ask her, and she knew she was tainted so no other men would want to dance with her, either... it seemed, if she was to dance, it would be with Will or not at all.

  “Very well,” she said with a shrug, trying to act as if she did not care. Secretly, she was pleased at the prospect of some fun on this otherwise nerve-racking and stodgy occasion. Will led her to the middle of the floor and held her very, very close, then led her into a basic dance. He was not overly learned in the finer points of waltzing, but he did it beautifully after his own fashion. Lily held on to him and, for a few minutes at least, she forgot all her cares, forgot that she hated Will, forgot about the flocks of women clustered around and glaring at the two of them in disapproval, she even almost forgot to worry about Rosie. For a few minutes, Lily Monroe was just another twenty-year-old young lady in her own mind, and Will Blackwood was just another devilishly handsome young man.

  His feet did not stop moving as he took her into the next song, and a third, and a fourth. He danced so nicely that Lillian was tempted to name it among his very few redeeming qualities, as a matter of fact. She had not smiled this much in many long years, so it was a shame when her legs started to give, as she could not breathe very well at all and the exertion of the dancing overcame her. She thought, for a second, that she might just collapse and embarrass herself and the Blackwoods, but Will held her tight. His face was uncharacteristically soft as he slowed down, sliding his arms around Lily's upper body to hold her up (and hug her to his chest).

  “Are you fatigued, Mrs. Blackwood?” he asked far too gently. This sudden turn of character made Lily nervous.

  “Are you suddenly a gentleman, Master Blackwood?” she retorted, her voice barely above a whisper. “I am terribly fatigued, would you kindly return me to my seat?”

  “Only if I may carry you over my shoulder like a sack of sugar, for you are just as sweet,” he teased. Lily smiled even though she wanted to scoff, and no, Will did not throw her over his shoulder. He slid one arm behind her back and around her waist, and the other for her to grab on to, and walked her over to her chair. Lily sat down too hard, alarmed to hear her breath wheezing in her throat. She fanned herself and breathed as deep as she could, unable to even spare a breath to thank Will for helping her.

  Will stood by, watching Lily with a strange look on his face. He fetched her a glass of punch, then stood back again. “I say, Mother dear, perhaps your corset is drawn too tight.” Lily's nostrils flared in annoyance and she was so irritated and so dizzy she could not formulate a retort. “Perhaps I can be of some assistance.” He of
fered his hand. “Come, I'll loosen it for you that you may take half-breaths instead of quarter-breaths, hm? And then perhaps you shall only swoon half as much.”

  Lily wanted to rebuke him but the prospect of more oxygen was too good to pass up. She clung to Will's arm as he led her out of the crowded ballroom and down the deserted hallway. Once they were out of the public eye, Will lifted Lily in his arms, and his brow clouded with concern. It was a foreign expression to his face and Lily wondered if she was seeing things. He poked his head in a few rooms before he found a likely-looking parlor at the end of the hallway, where he shouldered the door open and put Lily down on the couch.

  “It is well that you are my Mother, for it would otherwise be unseemly for us to be alone and unchaperoned,” he said, helping Lily sit up so that he could unfasten the dress for her. Her breath was coming in short, spasmodic, shallow gasps as Will worked. “Good God, Minnie's got the touch of a field hand,” he chuckled, “I can scarcely budge her knots... lucky for you, your despicable rake of a son spends plenty of time with sailors and knows his way around a hank of rope. And a corset,” he added with a saucy grin.