Deadly Wands
Page 31
CHAPTER 31
Billy had his bank buy food and drink by the ton. Few people did well under Queen Margaret, so Billy wanted many to prosper under King Richard to cement his rule. He had been shipping in thousands of cattle from the Americas and virtually drained France of wine. Billy wanted to stun England with the magnitude of the free feast he was giving away in the king’s name.
The thousand tons he loaned the king created thousands of jobs building roads, bridges, ports, schools, and hospitals. The ship full of coin paid for pre-planned towns around his new factories and shipyards. Instead of just lending, his bank brought shares into England’s strongest companies, and employed most English quads.
Few knew such prosperity was even possible, and most looked at the new king with adoration, admiration, and awe. The English grimly joked that they should have killed the queen years ago.
Then the heroes came home for the king’s first anniversary. The battalion that suffered official banishment to keep Paris free landed to a standing ovation in the stadium that Billy expanded in London. There the king gave a powerful speech, praising what they did and why they did it; introduced every hero by name to the cheering crowd; gave them a key to the new home that Billy built them (most had already moved in); levitated huge buckets to literally shower them with all the gold they earned the past year (they had to empty their bank accounts to do this); then had them kneel to officially knight them. Their knighthoods meant everyone would publicly address them as Sir or Lady for the rest of their lives. Most were peasants, so their sobbing brought the audience to tears.
The king now singled out his brother George and recounted how he remembered him growing up, his lonely years of bravery fighting Mongols, and the loss of his title, lands, and leg. To ecstatic applause, his team dumped literally a ton of gold coins on him.
George then gave his own speech, telling his personal story, the battles they fought, the adventures they had. He reminded the nation that too many of these rich heroes were still single. Finally, he told everyone how the Red Baron saved him, his family, his troops, Paris, and Free Europe.
Then tents were suddenly unfolded to reveal the families -- English and French -- of those who didn’t survive. The king and prince carried backpacks full of coin and dumped them in front of the shocked families.
The next day, every city would show videos from the stadium for people to watch at the free feasts they thought the king provided them, along with an announcement that King Richard would soon host a celebration at Buckingham Palace to honor the heroes.
Instead of meeting the king somewhere convenient, like in his palace, Billy insisted on George's lakeside cabin, which pissed his grandfather off even more. Elated at seeing his brother again, Richard was furious to learn that he had to plan a huge festival.
Billy wasn’t sympathetic: "Just assign it to the leading rich socialite and give her a kilo to cover expenses. You need to personally introduce George, Marie, and Junior to those who matter. This will help stabilize the country, legitimize your rule, and give the gossips something to talk about besides me."
“Then you better not attend. I’ve convinced most of the country that you’re a figment of over zealous imaginations.”
As if he could afford to be seen in public. He couldn’t wait to leave England. “Emily and I plan to visit mama’s family in Ireland. Anything you want us to tell them?”
“Tell them to stop fighting or I’ll invade like my mother always wanted. The Irish bicker over such petty grievances! I’ll not tolerate my kids killing each other!”
Except briefly under Emperor Brian Boru five centuries before, no Irishman ever controlled the entire island. Instead, dozens of tribes, peoples, and kingdoms fought each other, striving to be recognized as the High King of Ireland. Waves of Norse, Danes, Normans, Vikings, Welsh, Scottish, and English washed upon Irish shores, only to assimilate over generations. And for centuries before that the Irish interbred with waves of Celts.
In his twenty years of virtual exile in Ireland, Richard spurned his mother’s desire for conquest to build his own native power base. Instead of fighting the so-called New Irish, Old Irish, New English, and Old English, much less the Scottish earls and lords his mother and grandfather installed, Richard formed alliances across the island. He bred with the most powerful, regardless of beauty, status, or tribe, so today his children were the best quads on the island. Unfortunately, that also meant any fighting would inevitably involve them.
The irony must have hurt. If he had but done as his mama asked, his children may now be governing a united Ireland instead of perpetuating endless violence.
"Speaking of children, who will succeed you when you die? Your illegitimate children, your gay crippled brother, his French son who can't speak English, or me -- the only legitimate son of your only legitimate daughter?”
“What’s your point, boy?”
"My great-uncle tried to kill me because of succession fears. I’d rather not go through that again. You have thousands of descendents. Give the top contenders high office. The fastest way to see someone’s true character is to give them great power. When you find the one with the experience, temperament, and judgment to make the best ruler, then marry his mother or grandmother to make him legitimate.”
It took all of Richard’s self-control to not slap the crap out of his impudent grandson. “If you must know, I plan on marrying Susan and designating my oldest son, Richard, as my heir. Although they don’t know it yet.”
Billy literally applauded the decision before reaching into his backpack to hand his grandfather a gold block. “I’m giving every blood relative ten gold kilos. I wanted to give you yours in person.”
Instead of handing them gold, most of them would simply find a digit added to their bank balance.
The king stared at the golden cube in his hands. Something so small should not weigh so much. Elizabeth used to give her daddy the best damn hugs in the world -- her elopement left him inconsolable -- yet Billy chilled him. Then he does something like this. And he never met anyone who gave off so much energy. The air practically crackled around him.
“I executed the quads who murdered your father,” was all he could think to say.
“Thank you and you’re welcome. I noticed that you haven’t paid any interest on the thousand gold tons I lent you last year. I’m buying a lot of property, so you can simply credit the taxes I’ll owe against the interest you owe me, since I’m skeptical you’ll pay my interest on time, but will collect taxes the moment they’re due.
“You can repay the favor by helping American Jack transition a few million Americans on their way to Africa to take extraction operations from the Mongols. If you keep track of your expenses, I’ll have Global Bank reimburse you.
"Oh, Uncle George will manage my new armor factories and steamship shipyard. I want to make a quarter-million suits equal to the red one you gave me. If you give him the government help that he needs, we’ll give your air force discounts if you buy in bulk."
“I’ll not have a damn boy tell me what to do!”
Billy just laughed, slapped his beefy arm, and got up to leave.
"That's the spirit, grandpa! I’ll be England’s largest private employer; almost your entire family works for me; and you owe me a thousand tons.” He laughed literally out the door. “But I’m just a boy you don’t have to listen to.”
In Ireland, Billy organized a summit of his grandfather’s descendents at the legendary Hill of Tara, the historic seat of the High King. The man-made mound, 318 by 264 meters, was built three thousand years before by the only people that everyone agrees was true Irish. On top stood the Stone of Destiny -- which resembled an impressive rock-hard penis -- by which the High King was crowned. Given the constant historical infighting, the Hill of Tara represented the political and spiritual capital of Ireland. While the king who controlled Tara never controlled the island, no one could claim Ireland without Tara.
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nbsp; Everyone wanted to see the kid who wiped out Prince John’s hated family, so reporters from around the country flew in.
Emily had given birth to the cutest boy Billy had ever seen, and would soon be pregnant with another. She had everyone surround the mound. Billy dropped from above and, at optimum height, used four wands as one to blow a massive crater that exploded the Stone of Destiny into a million pebbles. The sacred monument disintegrated, smacking the horrified reporters like shrapnel. A moment later he fired again and excavated a crater that defied imagination. It was many times larger than what they assumed was humanly possible. Once their bodies filled the hole, Billy hovered over them to introduce himself.
“As the only legitimate heir to the English thrown, and as the grandson of a Queen Ann, King Richard has sent me to halt the fighting between those seeking to become the High King of Ireland. Without the Stone of Destiny, no High King can be crowned, so I hope the ambitious will stop killing their neighbors trying to fulfill a position that no longer exists.”
If he wanted to shock the nation, destroying the only thing they fought over did the trick.
“If the pointless warfare does not end, my grandfather has sworn to invade Ireland like Queen Margaret always wanted.
“The alternative is to change the system of 150 petty kings to something grander. Legal scholars sent by American Jack have worked with Irish experts for years to educate you on how representative democracy works. You can either unite Ireland under native Irish rule, or watch Richard forcibly unite Ireland under English rule.
“I assume you’ve heard that I’m giving away the equivalent of ten gold kilos to every blood relative. That gift is contingent upon your support for a new democratically elected government.
“I’m also here to offer employment: a kilo a year for twenty years for powerful quads willing to fight for an Irish Republic governed with the consent of the people.
“I’ve created several accounts for the new government at Global Bank, with a gold ton for the new legislature, judicial system, and executive branch. Kings today could become governors tomorrow if they earn the votes of their people. I’ll also spend a ton of gold in each kingdom -- Muster, Leinster, Connacht, Meath, and Ulster -- to build roads, bridges and ports, creating jobs and facilitating commerce -- if those kings support The Irish Republic.
“I also wish to mate with Irish super-quads so that our children can prolong the peace I hope to foster. Every mother will receive a kilo a year for eighteen years for every child they have with me. Anyone interested should contact Emily.”
Billy and Emily toured Ireland, meeting leaders and giving speeches. His long term employment contract quickly gave Billy a battalion of the best quads in the country, which kept the warring parties in check while the government slowly got off the ground.
Opposition leaders from across the country banded together under Ruaidhrí Ó Conchobhair, who descended from the last guy claiming to be High King. They met at the Hill of Tara to settle their differences and, after hours of argument, they remain convinced their only solution was the violent death of the new government.
Billy offered his solution: “If you cannot live with free elections, I propose we settle this in the old way: I challenge all of you to a duel to the death. Kill me and opposing the new government gets safer.”
The offer stunned them. “Was this your plan all along? To bring us here under false promises so your battalion can murder us?”
The more Billy studied their reactions, the more comfortable he became. “I, alone, will fight all of you who cannot live with representative democracy.” They did not look like they believed him. “Come on. All of you against just me and the winner gets to be King of the Hill.”
Billy flew away before they cut him down and landed on the rim of the crater he created. He watched them huddle together. Some, apparently, were not ready to die for the old ways. After several arguments, a few hundred quads fanned out around the mound. Billy foresaw how this would likely play out.
They charged as one. The strongest faced him to fix his position. The largest group attacked him from behind, so Billy flew towards the weakest group and chopped them down with long swords as he raced down the hill. He flew around the bottom to attack those slowest to fly up.
Those on the summit rallied and charged him. Once they committed themselves, he sped away and hunted down other quads, finally popping up above the crater. The attackers split up, each going around the base of the hill, as he attacked the closest group from behind.
The remaining fifty rushed him, so Billy flew straight up. Instead of swarming him as a group, the fastest left behind the slowest. Billy stretched them out, while using his larger, hotter, faster fireballs to swat them out of the sky, until the slowest fled in terror. The leader, whose name he couldn’t even pronounce, was burnt beyond recognition. His family had to take Billy’s word as to which smoking corpse was his.
Billy dived low enough to gesture to Emily, who ordered the battalion to surround the remaining few thousand opposition members. He landed before the provisional government leaders and offered a suggestion:
“To avoid civil war, I propose these agitators be held hostage among the families of our biggest supporters within each of the provinces until their relatives no longer threaten the peace. I’ll fund the cost of their living expenses.”
The Irish had long used hostages to enforce peace agreements. They lived as guests with families, rather than being locked up as criminals. When Billy returned to London, his grandfather still wasn’t happy.
“If the Irish make democracy work, then the English will want to import it here,” King Richard angrily complained.
Billy was not sympathetic. “If England had democracy, my father would still be alive.”