Redneck Eldritch

by Nathan Shumate

  “I like you too, Aetherwoman.”

  She smirked, again and he hated how much he loved that haughty smile. No matter the extra-dimensional madness, or the other-worldly form she reverted to; he was falling hard for her, and he cursed himself for it. He wasn’t sure this was something that could ever work out, but how she looked in the moment was mighty nice.

  “I’ll never get used to that, but I’ll take the compliment.” He smiled. “Do you have anyone special to you where you are from?”

  She looked sharply at him for that. “My father.”

  “Oh, no, I meant like another dude. Like me.” He smiled again, though a bit awkwardly.

  “There is no one like you. You are special to me, Jeffrey—” She blushed.

  “Please,” he cut her off, “call me ‘The Squid.’”

  She smiled at that and moved closer. Her eyes, though black and yellow, were enchanting, and The Squid was captivated. They moved closer together. Lips within inches.

  A horrid cry broke their shared breath and the early morning stillness alike.

  Shuarna drew back and pointed at undulating shapes swinging out of the deep blue. “Hunting Horrors! They serve him! We must away!”

  “Him? Who?” shouted The Squid, as he yanked the gas nozzle out of the truck and dropped it next to the pump. He clambered into the cab and started the truck.

  “Nyarlathotep!” she answered in a panic.

  Swooping in ever closer, the three twisting black shapes looked nothing so much as thick serpents with bat-like wings. They spiraled through the air and between each other as they drew near. The Squid guessed them to be nearly the size of his truck and trailer.

  He pulled away from the station. “Are they going to lose us as we drive?”

  “I think so.”

  “What about Ogre? He’s still in that waffle house!”

  “They want the artifact; they will pursue only us until they have it. They will ignore him trapped in the past.”

  “I can’t leave him stuck back there.”

  “You have no choice.”

  The Squid looked in the rear view mirror at the A-frame Swiss-themed waffle house. There was no time to wait for his friend before those winged fiends would be upon them. He saw Ogre stepping out the doors with bags in hand. He knew Ogre could plainly see the truck pulling away, was probably shouting at them. Ogre dropped the bags of waffles and then The Squid could see no more as the titanic Hunting Horrors flew low, blocking his view.

  “Do you think he can see those giant flying snakes?”

  “I don’t think so—they are on another plane. But who knows?”

  “You know all this stuff! That’s why I’m asking you!”

  One of the Hunting Horrors was right beside the truck, matching its pace. Its great black tail whipped out and struck, jarring the truck. The Squid barely kept control as they barreled through the center of Moab.

  “When will we lose them?”

  “When we fully phase into another time.”

  “When will that be?”

  “In just a moment more.”

  The Hunting Horror’s fat tail slapped the side of the trailer again, causing the back wheels to bounce over the sidewalk and cleave into a bike shop before wrenching back out onto the street.

  The Squid realized he was screaming, “Holy Hell!” The only thing he could see in the side mirror was the terrible open maw of the black Hunting Horror, opening wider and wider. Tentacles writhed from a frill surrounding its head. Fangs longer than his arm gnashed together. Frothing green spittle from its mouth sprayed across the mirror, obscuring his view.

  Shuarna leapt onto The Squid’s lap, facing him. She took him in her arms and brought her lips to his. “Hush.” She kissed him long and deep. A crunching sound collided with his ears outside to his left just as her lips met his. It sounded like twisted steel and flesh but he didn’t know anything anymore.

  He lost track of time and space. If the truck would have crashed right then and there and they were devoured by the Hunting Horrors he wouldn’t have known. He wouldn’t have cared. Everything was gone while in her embrace. There was no danger, there was no fear, there was no self; there was only the two of them entwined like a caduceus.

  11. You Make Loving Fun

  He was aware of driving again. They were cruising at top speed down the long road splitting a red and black land in half. Shuarna was beside him with a content look upon her face.

  “If you think that was good, you really should have tried the waffles,” he said.

  She rolled her eyes. “I share my soul with you and you speak of food?”

  “Man’s gotta eat.”

  She smirked.

  “But really what happened?” he asked.

  “I am understanding better as we get closer to our destination how to use the power of the artifact. I was able to focus us away through time and space, but I did require some extra energy. Which you were kind enough to supply.”

  The Squid scratched at his goatee. “So was that just a necessary kick-start? Or did it mean something to you?”

  “It was quite enjoyable.”

  The Squid’s grin disappeared. “Anything else?”

  “I’ll get you some sustenance, if that is what you require to be pleased afterward.”

  “No, I get it. You got me. I’m not gonna be able to come out on top of this discussion. You win, Shuarna.”

  The road wound up and down through serpentine canyons. Weird rock formations sculpted by sand and wind appeared even stranger than anything The Squid remembered from previous trips. This having multiple wheels in multiple spaces was a hard thing to get used to. He needed to change the subject from the two of them.

  “Do you think Ogre is going to be all right? Will all those things hunting us leave him be?”

  “I believe so. The Hounds of Tindalos would be the largest threat. If they did not get his scent thanks to the Trapezohedron cloaking us, he should be fine.”

  “What about with the people in my own ‘realm?’ We’re wanted outlaws, you know.”

  “I couldn’t say for sure. By your own reckoning of time, perhaps a year has gone past already. They should not be looking for him in any aggressive manner. But he should keep his mouth shut.”

  The Squid grimaced at that. It was unlikely that Ogre would be able to stay quiet about the whole strange business. His friend was many things, but “discreet” was not one of the words he could claim any kinship to.

  “You said you knew who sent those Hunting Horrors after us. Who was that and how do you know?”

  “It is Nyarlathotep, the Crawling Chaos. He commands those horrors and many others, too different for your understanding and sanity. The Shining Trapezohedron is his and he wants it back.”

  “Who is he and what is it exactly?”

  “It is beyond your conception.”

  “Try me. Don’t I have a right to know?”

  She gave him that smirk again. “The silver craft you saw was but a container. It was a protective shell to hold one of several Shining Trapezohedron stones of great power.”

  “So where is the stone now?”

  “It and its container have been absorbed by your truck.”

  The Squid looked again at the tiny silver striations touching every part of the truck, from the steering wheel down to the gas pedal.

  “I can separate them once we reach our final destination.” She did a wave of her hand and the blue light map reappeared inside the cab of the truck.

  The Squid scrutinized the map. “Okay. I think I know where that is.” He looked her over and asked, “So, you stole it, didn’t you?”

  Her smirk vanished. Exhaling sharply, she said, “I did.”

  “So once you do your thing, and get it and the truck separated, are you gonna be okay? Or are all those monsters and cosmic what’s-its gonna still be coming after you? Or me?”

  “I will be safe. I didn’t have time to do it right before. So I cast it through the aet
her, through time and space, and it landed beside you and within your world. Once I unlock its power, I will control reality strongly enough to vanquish any such being that opposes me.”

  The Squid stuck out his bottom lip and nodded. “That’d be convenient.”

  “Don’t patronize me.”

  “Hey, you’re the all-powerful, omnipotent-through-all-space-and-time sorceress, I’m just the driver.”

  She smiled again. “Yes, you are.”

  12. Crazy Train

  They turned left at a crossroads that The Squid knew in his world was a town named Monticello, but there was no sure sign of it but a few derelict buildings and a strange glowing light somewhere off to his right. There was, however, a road sign reading Route 666. “Always comforting,” he said.

  The light and darkness above the highway careened over each other as flames sputtered alongside the road here and there. It was an ageless fire burning the sagebrush, blanketing a smoky residue over the warped environment. Several times The Squid thought he saw bizarre beings hitchhiking along the road but he didn’t dare stop. None of them looked remotely human anyway. Most looked like kachinas he had seen at roadside souvenir shops in the southwest and others looked like werewolves and many were even worse.

  “What are those things I just saw?”

  “Denizens of these twilight lands. Gaunts, skin-walkers, ghasts and others who traverse the worlds between your own and the Dreamlands. They can’t stop us.”

  The Squid tried to take comfort in that despite spying one of the werewolf things loping after them almost as fast as the truck was traveling. He was just starting to sweat about it being another opponent when the wolf thing abruptly veered off and was swallowed by the desert gloom. “You’re sure none of those things will be trouble?”

  “Even if they are eyes for Nyarlathotep, we are far removed from a linear timeframe. When they report and when he could send his servants are different things entirely.”

  “Hope you’re right, doll face.”

  She gave that coy smile and said, “Of course I’m right. This has been a long time coming.”

  He kept driving, watching the sun and moon swirl after each other. Glancing back, he noticed that Ogre had left his cap behind. The idea struck him. “Shuarna, how can I communicate with others beyond this realm now?”

  “We are outside your world; you can’t communicate with anyone there.”

  “I want to try though, for fun.”

  “For fun?” She was puzzled.

  The Squid picked up his CB. “Ten-ten, Ogre-man. You out there, come on back.” Static met his ears. He hadn’t truly expected anything but it had been a pleasing thought for a moment.

  Shuarna said, “I told you there was no way—”

  “I’m here, good buddy, when’s your twenty?” The voice was undoubtedly Ogre’s.

  The Squid was shocked but thrilled. “Ogre? You’re out there?”

  Shuarna took The Squid’s hand off the CB. “It must be a trick of Nyarlathotep. Don’t answer anything more. Turn it off. This will only bring you pain.”

  “But it’s my friend. I need to know he is okay.”

  She shook her head. “It’s not him.”

  “You got your ears on?” crackled Ogre’s voice. “Come on back. What’s your twenty?”

  Shuarna looked as fearful as she ever had.

  “What’s the harm?” asked The Squid. He took up the CB again. “How you doing, buddy? I’m cruising. Not sure where I am. Route 666 somewhere abouts.”

  “Something you should know, Squid. I’m expired. I didn’t make it much past the waffle house. All those things caught up to me. It was a blur. I’m not even sure which ones took me down. There was a wide selection. But it’s like I’m in the weigh station of no return, just waiting around like some kinda damn wraith.”

  “You’re telling me you’re dead but can talk on the CB?”

  “Yeah, it’s like it just appeared in my hand when you started talking.”

  “So I take it you didn’t go toward the light?”

  “No, man, I was kinda worried about stepping that way considering all the things I’ve done. Guess I wanted to see if I could get a second chance.”

  “You got it.”

  “But, man, I’m glad you’re still trucking.”

  The Squid looked at Shuarna. “They got him! It’s your fault!”

  “I’m sorry,” she said.

  “Hang on, Ogre,” The Squid snapped into the CB. “Shuarna, if this eighteen-wheeler can cross time and space we need to go back and get him. We need to get him before anything happened to him.”

  “That would be suicide. You would be as dead as he is. The forces must have converged upon him utterly.”

  “This might be crazy to you but he’s my friend and we gotta try something. I can’t just keep driving like this. I have to try.”

  She protested, “We are ahead of our pursuers. They don’t know where we are or where we are going. We can make it, and I can work my enchantments. You will be free of these worries.”

  “Minus my best friend. No thanks. I’m driving and we are going back!” He pulled the truck to a stop as a strange kangaroo-like monstrosity hopped beside the burning highway. “What the hell is that?”

  “It’s just a ghast. Do as you will.”

  “So you admit it can be done?”

  She nodded ruefully. “Yes, maybe, but we are more likely to lose everything.”

  “Don’t fear the reaper, baby.”

  “I don’t, but you should.”

  Into the CB, The Squid said, “Ogre, hang on. I’m coming to get ya.” Pulling onto the sloping shoulder, he turned around, taking the truck back the way they had come. A pair of ghasts tried to quickly hop out of the way as he pulled the air horn but they weren’t fast enough and he plowed over them. Gruesome grey fur and ichor splattered but there was no damage to the truck. The Squid nodded approvingly, “That’s what I thought!”

  “What?” asked Shuarna.

  “Nothing, just I think I got a serious ace up my sleeve.”

  She shook her head. “There is no such thing as luck.”

  Barreling down the highway at breakneck speed, The Squid turned to Shuarna. “Yeah, well, did you know we could have gone back the whole time?”

  “I had an idea. But I still say this is a terrible decision. You may not make it out alive and I could lose everything I care about.”

  The Squid shook his head, “I guess that’s a risk I have to take. I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t at least try.”

  “Your species does have such a primitive, alien mind. I’ll never understand you no matter what my father tells me.”

  “Your father? What does that mean?”

  She smiled a genuine smile. “He said I should try something like this sometime just to experience your kind’s peculiarities. I know he didn’t expect I would do such with one of the Shining Trapezohedrons, but still.”

  “Well, we truckers are a different breed.”

  “He meant humans in general.”

  The Squid pondered that and smiled. “I aim to please.”

  Waving her hand across the dashboard, Shuarna again brought up the blue light map. She pointed at a coordinate and said, “I can take us back to the place just before we vanished. We will pass ourselves on the highway. The Hunting Horrors will immediately turn on us as we try to get Ogre. Not to mention that this much chronological imbalance will surely set the Hounds on us, as well as anything else capable of arriving.”

  “Ourselves?” he asked. She bit her lip and he couldn’t have loved her more.

  “When I phased us away from the Hunting Horrors, something hit one of them beside us. I didn’t see it and I wondered, and now I know it was a self-fulfilling prophetical maneuver. I think perhaps you are rubbing off on me, as you say.”

  “I never say that.”

  “I can’t change your mind, can I?”

  “No, why? You’re telling me you think we killed one
of those squid dragons with the truck, right?”

  “Yes, but if Ogre was speaking to us as a specter then he died already, regardless of us going back. You must have, too.”

  The Squid, looked at her. “I won’t quit, not now, not ever.”

  “You can’t win against these odds. You will die.”

  He rubbed his chin and took a long pull on his beer. “The way I see it, I gotta do this. ’Sides why should I worry? I didn’t answer my own CB call.”

  “Of course not.”

  “Well, Ogre didn’t say I was with him in the weigh station to Hell.”

  “No, but—”

  “So, I must succeed in rescuing him. This truck rolls through time and space, right? So we hit that squid dragon and we were speaking to Ogre, in between the time we rescue him.” He nodded at that and took another swig, rather pleased with himself.

  Shuarna was dubious. “We are striding between time and space, true, but none of that means you succeed.”

  “I’m deciding it does,” he said, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. “Won’t do any good to think anything else.”

  “I think the highway has driven you mad.”

  He shrugged. “I’m cruising. Let me know when we are almost there.”

  “You’ll know soon enough.”

  An indeterminate amount of time later, after many revolutions of light and dark overhead, the truck started to shake violently.

  “We’re close,” said Shuarna.

  “You sure? None of this looks familiar,” he said, glancing out the window.

  “It never does from this perspective.”

  A flash of light and screeching sound blasted their senses. Then nearly filling the windshield was the open maw of a Hunting Horror, tentacles writhing from the frill about its head.

  Honking the air horn and turning on all his lights, The Squid slammed the truck into the beast like a battering ram. Green and purple ichor splashed, coating the windshield. Some of the beast’s ichor smoked away from the truck lights, wafting off in a stink. Turning on the wipers, The Squid saw a mangled black corpse tossed to the side of the road. The carcass of the Hunting Horror was demolished but there were so many more things waiting. The waffle house was coming up on his right, surrounded by all the denizens of his nightmares.