Secrets of a Kept Woman (Volume 1)

by Shani Greene-Dowdell

  “Hey, man… shit… calm the fuck down, T!” He exclaimed, snapping his seatbelt into place.

  Ignoring my couzan, I fumed, thinking about the possibility that Rhonda would be stupid enough to tell Shayla our business when I told her not to say a word and that I would handle it once I got out. Between my case and the bombshell news Rhonda had dropped on me about the baby, Shayla’s absence had seemed like a blessing in disguise. I was happy that she didn’t come to see me much while I was locked down, like an animal in a cage, with a secret baby waiting for me once I got out. Interrupting my thoughts, Jay continued to be a bearer of bad news.

  “Well, shit, T, since you pissed the fuck off already… There is really no good way to say this, man, so I’m just going to give it to you straight, no chaser. The word is that Shayla is taking advice from some Hispanic kid that Tanya goes to school with. They’re not living together or nothing fucked up like that, but I don’t know for sure if they are seeing each other. One thing I know for sure is that he did talk her into getting away from the entire situation once Rhonda sent her that text message about your baby being on the way…”

  Thank God we had made it to the next stop light, because his words instinctively caused me to shut my eyes and put my head down on the steering wheel. I gripped that bitch until my knuckles damn near turned white. All of the get down to the business and happy-go-lucky spirit I had when I left the jail house left my body. I couldn’t be losing my wife. I loved that woman to death. I mean, I really loved her to death.

  “Man, T, you want me to drive, my nigga?” Jay sounded nervous. He should have been. I was seeing red. I lifted my head and looked up at the sky through my windshield.

  “Are you serious, Jay?” I put the car in park, and within seconds I had him by front of his shirt. This time we were on a residential street, and there was no traffic behind or near me to witness my body leaned over into the passenger’s seat, my face inches in front of Jay’s. “I know if you had the balls to step to me with this, you’d make sure that it wasn’t some half-cocked bullshit lie?”

  Jay knew the consequences of darkening my first lady’s name without sufficient evidence, because he’d watched me pistol whip a corner boy for simply whistling at her before. The poor cat hadn’t known what hit him when I gripped that nine and busted his lip open to the white meat. Cousin or no cousin, Jay could only imagine what I would do if his accusation about wifey possibly cheating and moving out of our home on the advice of some kid wasn’t legit.

  He leaned back outside the window as far as he could and dropped his cigarette to the concrete. I watched his eyes get real wide, exposing the redness in them that was a side effect of smoking too much herb on a regular basis. Spit started to dribble out the side of his mouth as he stuttered in comprehensibly. Jay was searching for the best way to let me know that the man I’d hired to clean my pool was also performing routine psychotherapy on my wife, advising her to leave me just because I had a fuckin’ baby on the way.

  “Calm down, man! Shit… come on, cuz! You’re acting like I’m fucking her or something,” he said, aggravated with my frustration. He yanked his shirt from my hands and tried to push me off of him within the confines of the car. “I’m just putting you up on what’s been going on since you’ve been in. Shit, someone’s got to tell you this shit… goddamn!”

  I quickly digressed and backed up, sitting back in the driver’s seat. Taking a breath, I rubbed the top of my head and rocked back and forth in the seat. Jay readjusted himself, and I could hear his heavy breathing slow down to a regular pace. He turned again and looked out of the window, avoiding my eyes.

  Finally, I said, “Fair enough, kin folk, but you could have came and told me this as soon as it happened. Look here, cuz, I just got out the county. I’m tired, hungry, and ready to see my fuckin’ wifey. On top of that, you stepped to me tap dancing around a very important subject. How did you expect me to respond? Come up in the damn lockup looking shifty and puffin’ them damn cigarettes, not sayin’ shit. You know better than that, Jay. Now, you have ten seconds to spit everything out, or Shayla is not going to be the only one in need of a doctor tonight.” I put my hand on his pistol that was at his side in the seat, and said, “Now, turn your punk ass around, and look at me when you speak. Start from the fuckin’ beginning. You’re making me nervous with all that cigarette puffing and looking crazy.”

  Finally, he sang like a canary. “You know that pool cleaning cat, Antonio, or Anthonio, that you hired a few months back to put in some house work for you?”

  I searched my mind to remember the young guy whose hustle I’d admired. He seemed like good people, which is why I hired him. I raised an eyebrow and said, “Yeah.”

  “Take a look at this security video from Tanya’s house from about three weeks ago.” He pulled a DVD from his back pocket and handed it to me. I took it and started going forward in the car again. I pulled over to the side of the road to get out of any future oncoming traffic. As soon as we were parked, Jay snapped off his seatbelt. “I think that you’ll find all of the evidence that you need on the video to confirm what I’m trying to tell you, cuz. Also, look at the video from your house two weeks ago when she moved out.”

  I sneered at him angrily. I wished he would just finish the story, instead of giving me tapes to review, but if the truth was ugly, maybe I should see it for myself. I took the DVD and slowly slid it into the built-in DVD player in my car. I braced myself for whatever was to come as the player prepared to play the damaging video.

  Chapter 28

  Shayla

  Anthonio and I had stayed in constant contact from the first time he visited to work on our pool for my party. It had been completely innocent and platonic communication, that is, until I got the news about Titus’ baby. When I received that text, my whole mind went blank. I felt like the world had stopped spinning on its axis. It was like all of the nightmares that I had been afraid of for so long had decided to come true all at once. I couldn’t think of the first step to take, or even the first thought to think. I sat dumbly down at my kitchen table and stared off into space. In a daze, I picked up my house phone. Once I’d started to breathe again, Anthonio was the first person that I contacted.

  He’d given me so much encouragement and advice in the short time that I’d known him that I felt like I had known him for years. I did have to admit that having him show me such genuine care and concern the way that he did at a time when I was at my very lowest caused me to start having feelings for him that I wasn’t ready to have again. However, as it turned out, after being betrayed and violated in such a horrendous way by two of the closest people in my life, having someone new show me some true kindness was exactly what I needed. I allowed him to comfort me and give me everything that I needed.

  Regardless of how amazing he was, I had wanted to take things slow, because I didn’t want him to feel like a rebound man. I knew that jumping into a relationship so fast after coming out of another one was like playing Russian roulette. More importantly, I didn’t know how Titus was going to react to the news that I had moved out of our home while he was locked up, and his reaction was at the top of my worry list. I knew the moment Titus touched his feet on free soil that he was going to come looking for answers as to why I was not at home. I knew my husband, and he wasn’t the type to let something like this go. He was a man who was used to getting exactly what he wanted, but in this case, he wasn’t going to get me back – ever. Titus wasn’t going to take any of this lightly, but since it was all a direct result of his own indiscretions, what could he say? This was the final straw. I’d be damned if I was going to play Godmother to my husband and best friend’s child!

  Despite all of the things running through my head, I was still very much aware of Antonio standing in my new kitchen cooking dinner and speaking in his Spanish tongue to me.

  “Te quiero. Te amo, Shayla. Mi Amor. Quiero pasar el resto de mi vida contigo. Te quiero con toda mi alma,” he said in response to my ambivalence
to open up to him.

  Really? My Spanish was sketchy, but I knew the meaning of those words. He wanted me? He loved me? He wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, and he wanted me with all of his soul? It was all so overwhelming. His tender words of adoration were innocent, but they jarred something deep in my spirit. The sweet expressions of love were something that I’d truly been missing over the years from the man that I had wanted to hear them from the most.

  Emotions that I was not ready or willing to bring to the surface were making their way to the edge, as words that I had craved to hear from my husband freely poured from this man’s lips into my ear. Was it a little too little, a little too late? Had I lost my ability to love? Had those two conniving heathens ruined me to be able to trust and care for someone openly again? That thought sent me over the edge. I sat back in my chair, folded my arms across my chest, and hot tears rolled down each of my cheeks.

  Managing to speak through the tears, I said, “Anthonio, if I give you a chance, promise you will not disrespect me. Just promise to be the same man five years from now that you are today.”

  Realizing that his words had affected me, Anthonio quickly turned down the burners and gave the food one last stir. Moving away from the delicious smelling pots on the stove and walking over to stand in front of me, he gently wiped away my tears. His look of sincerity was so pure that I couldn’t second-guess him. “I will do that and so much more,” he said, leaning in to kiss my lips.

  “I may not be able to give you what you deserve right now. You deserve a woman who will live out the fairytale love affair that your calm spirit deserves. I cannot give you that, not with all of the drama I’m going through.” My gaze fell to the floor. My heart was in limbo, caught between going back through the same raggedy door that I was used to, or opening a new shiny door to experience new possibilities.

  “Shhh… I only deserve you.” He pressed his finger against my lip hushing my negative thoughts. Slowly lifting me out of my seat to stand eye to eye with him, he whispered, “Don’t say those things, Shayla. You just have to let me to love you. That’s all I ask.”

  The barriers I had previously built to protect my heart from ever loving again were slowly melting away. “I will, Antonio,” I said, softly, beginning to feel whole again, but would this feeling last long enough to start over?

  ***

  One week later, I moved tirelessly about my new apartment. Although my energy level was zero, I unpacked boxes and arranged new furniture neatly in my new cozy two-bedroom home in Columbus, Georgia. I knew that they said not to kick a man when he was down, but I knew that finally leaving Titus behind was the best thing that I could have done for myself. After all of the pain and heartache that I had endured over the last few years – hell, nearly our whole marriage – I was determined to get my life back in order.

  No sooner than I’d written off that part of my life, my cell phone rang, and it was Titus’ cell number. I paused, looked at the phone, and then dropped it like a hot potato. His calling could only mean one thing – he was out of jail and looking for me. Avoiding him would only make matters worse, so I decided to just answer his call to give us both the closure that we needed.

  “Hello, Titus.” My voice was tight and firm. Even though I was a bundle of nerves, I didn’t plan to give him any room for taking charge of our call. He had to know that I was his equal counterpart at this point, and not some dumbfounded female caught under his mystical wifey spell.

  “Don’t you ‘Hello, Titus’ me, Shayla, sounding like you’re the one upset. Look, I need you to come back home, baby. I miss you, and I’m sorry for everything – me getting locked up… the baby.” I heard him inhale, holding his breath. He actually had an air of sincerity in his voice.

  I could feel my stomach tie up in knots. Yes, I had already gotten the text, but to have him finally admit his relationship with Rhonda and confirm that all of my past fears and doubts were right on point was enough to solidify our divorce for me. I started pacing my bedroom floor and then walked out into the hallway for more walking space. Though I wanted to stay firm, my voice shook as I told him, “No, Titus, you don’t need anything from me. You never have. What you need is to take care of your child and give me a chance to find true happiness for once, whether that is by myself or with someone who knows how to appreciate someone like me.”

  Obviously the thought of my happiness being with another man jarred something in him, because he raised his voice and said, “What’s up with this nigga you’re fucking around with? What makes you think you can cheat on me?!”

  “What made you think that you could get my best friend pregnant and essentially assist in ruining a friendship that I have had since I was a child? What makes you think you can call me and talk about how much you need me now? You didn’t need me when you were between Rhonda’s legs, so why need me now? You didn’t need me when you turned into a big shot and could never find your way home, so why need me now? You didn’t need me once you got your business kicked off, and the money started rolling in! I was less than a woman to you then, so why need me now? Besides, I’m not cheating on you, because your divorce paperwork is in the mail. Sign them, and turn your need to Rhonda.”

  “Shayla,” he sighed, and then paused as if he was struggling to find his next words. “I’m sorry, baby. I know you’ve heard it before, but not like this. I am very sorry for the way I treated you and for raising my voice. I know Rhonda told you about her baby, but that baby might not even be mine. You should think about that. You could be throwing our marriage away for nothing, Shay. For real.”

  “Might? Might means it might be yours. It means you were there in position to be a potential father of the child, and I don’t want any part of my husband being a possible father of my best friend’s child. That doesn’t work for me, Titus. You should think about that!” I continued to pace the hallway floor, rubbing my throbbing temples to relieve the pangs that were shooting through my head. How in the world did I end up having this conversation with my husband? In whose world is this normal?

  His utter disrespect of our marriage, the new baby with Rhonda, the constant fear of police raids, or even worse, the next “Big Shirley” that would inevitably come about if Titus continued his current lifestyle, was just not worth it. Of course, there was a time when I would have risked it all just to be able to spend my life with Titus. That was when I felt that it was me and him against the world. Sounding defeated, Titus, blew a long breath into the phone.

  “Okay, Shay. I’ll admit that I really messed up, but I hope that one day you find it in your heart to, at least, forgive me. We have a lot of history together and, I don’t know, somewhere down the line things got messed up.” This time when he spoke it didn’t sound like game. It honestly sounded as if he hoped that one day we could see eye to eye again. I could respect that.

  “You are already forgiven, Titus. I know first hand how money and power has the ability to change people, especially when they aren’t used to it. I just can’t live like that anymore. I never disrespected you the entire time we were married, yet I took disrespect from you on a daily basis. I honestly hope that you and Rhonda are able to find something to love in each other.”

  With the mention of my husband and best friend as a couple, those were my final words to him. I pressed END on my cell phone and walked into my bedroom. In order to keep my mind occupied, I continued to put my clothes up in the closet. Titus had apologized instead of trying to act a fool. I felt relieved and hopeful that that phase of my life was coming to a surprisingly peaceful close.

  I knew that some women would say that I should have been a ranting and raving manic. They’d tell me that they would have reacted differently, and they’d have gone after Titus and Rhonda both. If a woman were to tell me something like that, I would know immediately that she had never been in my situation. It’s easy to say what someone else should have done, or what you think you would have done, but when you are in the middle of a situation and you ar
e experiencing it for yourself, things are much different.

  I’d been beaten down for so long by Titus and his trifling ways that finally just getting it all out in the open and being able to release myself from his chains was a relief. I had gotten my anger out towards Rhonda when I stood in front of her apartment door looking at Titus’ car in the parking lot, knowing that they were doing things that only he and I should have ever been doing. At the point when everything finally came to a head and Titus had been caught red-handed, I was just tired. I was tired of the lies, tired of the deceit, and tired of the pretending. I was more than tired – I was exhausted. I didn’t want to kill them or get revenge. I just wanted them to leave me alone and end all of the drama in my life that I didn’t deserve.

  It was funny how God had a way of bringing us all back to square one. Just when we thought that we could handle life on our own terms, he snaps us back into reality. Living in the midst of chaos and dishonesty had led me a long way from being perfect during my spiritual journey, but I had taken baby steps over the past few weeks through meditation and prayer. Going through adversity like the kind I had experienced puts you in a different place spiritually. It reminds you of what is important in life.

  I turned on my latest Yolanda Adams CD and listened to the encouraging melody, Never Give Up. As I stood in my newly found meager surroundings, praising God and appreciating myself wholly, I was happy to find that the blessings that surrounded me now were worth a hundred times more than the millions that I had had before. I was determined to never give up.

  Epilogue: Shayla

  4 months later

  There comes a time in every woman’s life that she has to make a change for the better. My career as a clinical psychologist has finally grown fruitful. I’ve found a job working as a part-time clinical psychologist with the Clinical Psychologists of Alabama. I love every minute of working with my clients and the feeling of independence I experience on each and every payday. As for the small pitter patter of feet running through the house that I had craved so much, I haven’t taken a pregnancy test, but I didn’t get a monthly visitor last month (smile). Also, Anthonio has asked me to marry him twice already. The man is in ready to tie the knot, but I’m still thinking that we need more time. My heart is still in the process of healing. However, if my doctor gives me news of a baby we may be headed down the altar sooner than later.