A Home of Her Own

by Brenda Novak

  After an hour of television, she decided to visit Mike’s horses. She hadn’t been over to the barn since she’d returned to Dundee, and at this particular moment, the stallions she’d always loved seemed to provide a cure for her aching loneliness.

  She dragged on her coat and boots and cut up some apples before heading out the door.

  Blue, cloudless skies stretched above her but a chill wind almost sent her back for a hat and scarf. She wished Mike had called to let her know how this morning went with his mother, but she quickly redirected her thoughts. The way he’d held her and kissed her so tenderly last night had changed something inside her, something she didn’t want to deal with. She needed to protect herself from Mike if she wanted to leave Dundee without a few new scars on her heart.

  Taking the long path around the back, because she didn’t want to climb the fence like she used to when she was young, she felt warmer by the time she reached the barn.

  As she dusted off the snow clinging to her pants, she could hear the horses, could smell the familiar scents of hay and manure. Morris had occasionally taken her riding, but not often enough. He’d always been too busy. Her mother hadn’t been interested, and her brothers had preferred not to let their little sister tag along. She missed the bumpy feel of a horse’s quick trot—missed Mike’s ranch, she realized, and the horses that used to be kept on her own property.

  Pausing at the back entrance to the barn, she listened carefully to the noises from within. She wanted solitude and the comfort she’d always received here; she didn’t want to run into any of the ranch hands.

  When she heard nothing that sounded remotely human, she ducked inside the open door to discover that the barn hadn’t changed at all. Fresh straw filled the stalls and the horses munched peacefully, wearing quilted blankets to shield them from the cold. Blankets…She smiled. She supposed horses that cost as much as Mike’s deserved to be pampered.

  Lucky immediately recognized the tall black stallion standing in the first stall. This horse had been a new acquisition the year she’d left town, the crown jewel of the Hill brothers’ breeding enterprise. His name was Midnight, if she remembered right.

  “You still around, boy?” she murmured, letting him sniff her hand.

  The horse tossed his head and flared his nostrils, suspicious of her unfamiliar presence. When she tried to stroke his nose, he pranced around his stall, swishing his tail.

  A slice of apple eventually brought him back to her. “That’s it, big boy,” she crooned as he took the apple from her open palm. “You’re a beauty, aren’t you?”

  After another apple slice, he actually let her pat his neck. “There you go.” She grinned. “See? Don’t tell anyone, but I’m not as bad as people think.”

  “Is your true nature some sort of secret, then?”

  Her smile wilted. Because the ranch had seemed so deserted, she’d relaxed a little too much. Turning slowly around, she saw Josh standing at the entrance she’d just used.

  “Oh.” She shoved her bag of apples into her coat pocket and started edging toward the opposite door, so she wouldn’t have to squeeze past him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were here. I—” She jerked her head toward Midnight. “He’s a beautiful animal. Congratulations.”

  Pivoting, she set out in earnest, wanting to escape before she had to deal with any more of the contempt Josh had lavished on her that morning, but he stopped her with an unexpected comment.

  “I didn’t know you liked horses.”

  Her steps slowed at his conciliatory tone. “I…uh, yes, I do. And of course you have some of the best, don’t you?”

  “Quality is important when it comes to breeding.”

  “Exactly.”

  “Were you hoping to see Mike?”

  She rubbed her hands together for warmth. “No, I was just saying hello to some old friends. I used to spend quite a lot of time in your barn.” She chuckled. “Fortunately, I was better at going unnoticed then.”

  “I don’t mind you coming over to see the horses.”

  She hunched against the wind that suddenly blew around the corner. “As long as I stay away from your brother, right?”

  “That’s complicated, Lucky. My reasons are probably far different than you think.”

  She doubted it. He didn’t believe her good enough for Mike, and most everyone in town would agree with him. “Well, like I said, I didn’t come here with Mike in mind. And what happened last night won’t happen again. In any case, I’ll be leaving soon.”

  “How soon?”

  Obviously she couldn’t leave soon enough for him. “When the house is finished.”

  “What are you going to do with it then?”

  “Mike mentioned he’d still like to buy it.”

  Josh removed his leather gloves and slapped them against his thigh. “So you’re going to sell it to him?”

  She nodded.

  “Why?”

  “Pardon me?”

  “Why are you finally willing to let him have it?”

  She attempted a careless shrug. “I don’t know. There’s no use letting it sit empty after all the work I’m having done.”

  “That’s not very convincing,” he said.

  “What’s not convincing?”

  “Your excuse. You’ve already let it sit empty for years. That’s why it needs the work it does.”

  “Things change.”

  “You care about Mike, don’t you? That’s what’s changed.”

  Lucky ignored his soft-spoken words because life was easier when she held her cards a little closer to her chest. “Did everything go okay with your mother?” she asked instead of answering.

  He balled his gloves in one large hand. “Fine.”

  Relieved, she said, “That’s good,” and turned to go once more. But he spoke again.

  “I can tell what Mike sees in you. You’re attractive, young, bright. Not at all what we thought. But…”

  She drew a deep breath and braced for the worst. “But?”

  He seemed to search for the right words. “You have to realize that a relationship between you and Mike wouldn’t work, Lucky. I might be able to live with it, learn to accept it, but my folks and extended family never could. Mike might be able to choose you over them for a while, but he already has problems with commitment, and this is a small, close-knit town. I’m afraid it would eat at him, eat at you both.”

  “There’s no danger of him choosing me.” Last night, she’d imagined that Mike felt something for her, had reveled in those few short hours when his caring seemed so real. But she knew she must’ve been dreaming. She was such a pariah in Dundee that he couldn’t even take her out in public, for crying out loud. “I would never ask him to.”

  Josh’s eyebrows shot up. “You care about him that much?”

  Lucky scowled. She didn’t like giving herself away, but she knew it would be futile to claim she didn’t love Mike. Josh had read the signs too easily. “Just take care of him after I’m gone, okay?”

  He scuffed one boot in the dirt before glancing up at her again. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to hurt you.”

  She forced as brave a smile as she could muster. “I know.”

  “YOU SEEM DISTRACTED, Dad. What’s going on?”

  Garth Holbrook blinked and focused on his son, who was sitting in his wheelchair near the Christmas tree. “Nothing. I’m just preoccupied with the campaign.” He doubted Gabe believed him, but what else could he say? That he was worried sick? Ever since Lucky had dredged up the past, Garth couldn’t rest easy about anything.

  “Garth, can I get you a glass of wine?” Celeste stood at the entrance to the kitchen. His wife was still pretty if slightly plump. He’d always admired her blue eyes and dark hair, both of which Gabe had inherited. Garth’s only wish was that he could reach her on a deeper level than the cordial partnership in which they’d always existed.

  He stared down at the torn wrapping paper and open boxes at his feet. What they’d given
each other for Christmas this morning said it all, didn’t it? She’d given him a tie, some new slacks and a briefcase; he’d bought her an expensive set of pans and a butcher block of knives. All practical items, even though he’d wanted to give her something skimpy and transparent from the lingerie catalogue that came in the mail.

  That idea brought a flicker of the sexual desire he worked so hard to ignore, but he quickly squashed it. He knew better than to buy Celeste anything revealing. She promptly threw the lingerie catalogue away without even glancing through it and wore a flannel nightgown to bed. Now that she was long past her childbearing years, he despaired of enticing her to participate in anything she deemed “nasty” or “vulgar.”

  “Wine would be nice, Celeste, thank you.”

  She looked at him a little oddly, and he realized he’d addressed her as formally as he would a stranger. He smiled to compensate.

  She nodded, apparently satisfied, and went back to the kitchen for his wine. Celeste believed cooking, scrupulous cleaning, waiting on him like a servant, smiling for the cameras and helping with various charities in town constituted being a good political wife. According to her own definition, he couldn’t fault her. But there’d always been something missing, something he’d allowed Red to temporarily provide….

  Surveying the torn wrapping paper once again, he wondered what Lucky Caldwell’s Christmas was like. Mike had indicated that she’d left for the holidays, which meant she was close enough to her brothers that she had somewhere to go.

  See? he told himself. She didn’t need him. She had no business coming back here and destroying his life.

  But he couldn’t deny an underlying curiosity. Could she belong to him? Had Red been lying about birth control? He had to admit it was possible. He hadn’t been thinking clearly when he was seeing her. If he could believe that he was somehow special to her, special beyond his gifts and his money, he could believe just about anything.

  The phone rang, and he automatically held his breath. He always expected it to be Lucky, pressing him, insinuating herself into his life. But she hadn’t contacted him since that day she’d asked him to take the paternity test. And this wasn’t her, either. He could hear Celeste wishing her sister a merry Christmas.

  “You think we’ll be able to hit four hundred thousand dollars?”

  The campaign again. Fund-raising was almost all Gabe talked about lately, but at least he was talking about something.

  Garth tried to concentrate on the conversation. “At the rate you’re going? Of course we will. I’ve never had a better man working for me. I think you should run for senate in a few years.”

  A grimace contorted Gabe’s handsome face, and Garth knew his son would disregard the idea as he disregarded all of Garth’s suggestions for his future. Gabe didn’t feel he had a future worth worrying about. “Even if we reach our target, will four hundred thousand be enough?”

  If Lucky breathed a word of what was in her mother’s journal, no amount of money would be enough. But Garth nodded and smiled anyway. “Sure. Butch Boyle’s been in office too long already. It’s high time we gave him his walking papers.” More rhetoric. Garth suppressed a humorless chuckle. He was beginning to speak in clichés even at home. Maybe he’d been a politician for too many years….

  “Are you sure nothing’s wrong?” Gabe’s eyebrows were drawn together in concern.

  “Of course.”

  “You haven’t been yourself the last week.”

  Reenie came marching into the living room, carrying Isabella, her youngest, who had candy cane smeared all over her face. “Grandma’s not going to like you getting that candy stuck in her carpet,” she scolded.

  “Yum!” Isabella responded gleefully, clapping her sticky hands.

  “It’s a busy time of year,” Garth said so Gabe wouldn’t glare at Reenie.

  Unfortunately, Reenie wasn’t quite as preoccupied with Isabella as she’d first appeared. “Maybe Dad wouldn’t have to worry quite so much if you’d quit feeling sorry for yourself, Gabe.”

  An angry muscle jumped in Gabe’s cheek, but Reenie was down the hall before he could respond.

  Garth knew his daughter was right—Gabe needed to pull himself together, regardless of what he used to be—but he wasn’t any happier with Reenie. He’d taken her aside earlier and asked her to back off. Besides, getting Gabe involved in the campaign was creating more progress than Reenie’s verbal barrages, even if it was progress by inches.

  Shaking his head, Gabe started wheeling himself toward the door, which Garth knew he’d been itching to do almost since he’d arrived. He was on his way back to that damn cabin where he stayed holed up for days and weeks at a stretch. But this time Garth put up a hand to stop him.

  “Stay with me today, will you, Gabe?” He’d tried to affect a casual tone, but knew he’d come across too seriously when concern clouded Gabe’s blue eyes.

  Clearing his throat, Garth tried again. “This Christmas—” might be our last as a family “—is important to me.”

  Gabe’s obvious confusion made Garth feel even worse. His crippled son didn’t need anything else to worry about. But at least Gabe had stopped moving. After gazing at him for several seconds, he finally nodded. “Sure, I’ll stay. Anything you need, Dad.”

  Anything he needed. What Garth needed was a chance to go back and change the past.

  MIKE FROWNED as Josh came into his house and slouched in the chair at the other end of the coffee table. “It’s Christmas afternoon. Why aren’t you with your family?” he asked, grabbing his beer and glancing away from the football game he’d been trying to get interested in for the past hour.

  “I thought maybe you could use some company, what with being sick and all.” Josh grinned in an obvious attempt to lighten Mike’s mood, but Mike didn’t return the smile.

  “You don’t have to baby-sit me, Josh. I’m not going back to Lucky’s.”

  “I’m not baby-sitting you. I just don’t want you hanging out here all alone.”

  “I live alone.” Mike took a long pull on his beer. “How’s today any different?”

  Josh hesitated until he had Mike’s full attention. “Quit acting like it’s no big deal,” he said, all levity gone. “I know you’re having a tough time giving her up.”

  Mike opened his mouth to tell his brother that he didn’t know what the hell he was talking about, but he couldn’t get the words out—get them out and make them convincing, anyway. He was having a tough time giving Lucky up. And Mike resented the fact that loyalty to his family seemed to dictate he should.

  “Think about it, though,” Josh went on. “It’s better to walk away now, before someone gets hurt. I can’t see the relationship going anywhere in the long run, can you?”

  Josh had a point there. Mike’s relationships never went anywhere in the long run. He didn’t seem capable of caring as deeply as other people and had to be extra careful not to hurt the women he dated.

  But Lucky didn’t seem to fall into the same category as those other women. Somehow, she’d ducked beneath his defenses, made him forget everything and everyone else….

  He remembered her warm tears falling on his chest and the overwhelming anger he’d felt at what she’d endured as a child. Since when had he started feeling things so poignantly?

  “No, I can’t see it going anywhere,” he said, suddenly determined to find his old self. He’d been criticized for being too cavalier with women, but “easy come, easy go” had its benefits.

  “Yeah, well, she’s too young for you, anyway.”

  Mike shot him warning glance. “Maybe you should stop while you’re ahead, little brother.”

  Chuckling, Josh tossed a coaster at him. “There’s the man I grew up with. You had me worried for a sec. I’ve never seen you sulk over a woman before.”

  “I’m not sulking.” Mike tossed the coaster back at him. “Don’t you have somewhere to go?”

  “I do now that I know you’re going to be okay.” Josh stood and he
aded for the door. “Are you sure you won’t come over in an hour or so and have supper with me and Rebecca?”

  “Are you kidding? Rebecca can’t cook.”

  Josh looked wounded. “She tries.”

  Mike finally mustered a smile for his brother, who was so madly in love with Rebecca that he could eat charred toast at every meal if it made her happy. “She’s learning,” he said in an attempt to be generous. “I’m just not hungry tonight.”

  “I’ll tell her you’re still too sick.”

  “Good idea,” he said, then the door clicked shut and Mike was alone again with his memories of last night.

  LUCKY WAS GLAD to see the sun finally set. This Christmas had been the longest of her life. She knew the coming week, which many still considered “the holidays,” wouldn’t move much faster, but at least the stores would be open. She could distract herself from Mike by going to the diner, getting a haircut, buying a few supplies at the hardware store so she could do some wallpapering. Even facing down Marge at the grocery store seemed preferable to sitting here by herself. The contrast between having Mike’s arms around her last night while she slept, and the certain knowledge that he wouldn’t be coming back, was too much. She couldn’t wait for Mr. Sharp to resume the repairs so she’d have the noise of his hammer or saw in the background.

  Fortunately, she was tired tonight. It was barely eight o’clock but—she allowed herself a rueful grin—thanks to Mike and his insatiable old man’s appetite, she’d slept only a few solid hours when she was with him. If she went to bed, maybe she could block out everything that had happened and feel nothing for a while. She particularly didn’t want to think about her conversation with Josh and the stark realization that he was right—the relationship she longed for with Mike would cost Mike more than she ever wanted to see him lose. Especially when he had the loving, supportive, blood-is-thicker-than-water kind of family she’d always dreamed about. How could she expect him to give that up for her? The very foundation on which he’d built his life?

  She crawled into bed wearing two pairs of sweats, hoping the added layer of clothing would keep her from missing his warm body. But extra sweats were a poor substitute, and she jumped up five minutes later to change the bedding. She couldn’t forget Mike when she could smell him so clearly on the sheets and pillows. She needed to make this her room again.