At night, he allowed himself to let go, to dream and remember. But it was all he could allow. The reality was that with a word from him, she would give him everything, without hesitation, without regard to herself. Ian knew this. It was exactly why he had to be the one to protect her and keep her safe, because she would never put herself or her needs above his own.
At least she seemed to be going on with her life, which was both a blessing and a curse. Ian wanted her to be happy, but he wished he could be the one making her that way.
She had a lot going on. She was on that new, experimental treatment plan. She didn’t talk about it much when he was around, but he knew it was brutal. For several hours each week she was hooked up to a machine that basically filtered her blood and reintroduced it back into her body with plant-based additives that were supposed to be well-tolerated. Michael described it as a type of “organic chemo” that was supposed to stimulate her natural body chemistry to start creating the clotting factors on its own.
Ian wanted to go with her to the treatments, but she had vehemently opposed that idea. The first couple of times he found himself at the hospital anyway, sitting outside the treatment room and waiting, blending into the shadows when she was wheeled in or out. But then she’d spotted him and pitched such a fit that he reluctantly agreed to stay away.
Renovations were an ongoing thing at the house, too, and that was certainly keeping her busy.
If that wasn’t enough, Aidan had secured property on the mountain – Ian still wasn’t sure how he’d managed that – and was in the process of building what promised to be his finest restaurant yet. From what Ian had gleaned, it was to be built in the style of an ancient Greek temple, built right into the mountainside itself, affording diners a spectacular view of the valley below. With aggressive plans to open for New Year’s, it was being touted as the number one most sought-after reservation on the East Coast, with a waiting list already a mile long.
Yes, Lexi’s life was full. And his... not so much. He’d withdrawn. His family didn’t try to talk much to him anymore, knowing they wouldn’t get a response. He loved Patrick, loved spending the days with him. But the time he loved most of all? The time that made him feel the most alive? The one hour when he, Lexi, and Patrick were all together, in the same room, at the same time. Like a real family.
Only she was late. Again. His hour – the one chance he had to be with her - had now been reduced to ten minutes.
Taryn shot him another glance as she placed a handful of Cheerios in front of Patrick. He grabbed them with his chubby hand and held them out to Riley. “You’re pacing again.”
“Is there something I should know about?” Ian stopped pacing and looked directly at her.
Taryn looked away, avoiding the question. “Why do you ask?”
“Lexi’s late again.”
“She’s not late. She’s just not as early as she usually is. Look, I’ve got things covered here. Why don’t you just go on in and help Jake?”
Ian’s eyes narrowed. Not only was she avoiding his gaze, she was trying to get rid of him. “What are you not telling me, Taryn?”
She didn’t answer, busying herself with cleaning up. “Why is she late?” he asked again.
“Why do you care?” She threw back at him. “God, Ian. You act like you’re married or something.” It was a direct hit, a knife in an open, festering wound.
“If it was up to me, we would be,” he said through gritted teeth, trying to keep his voice level in front of the kids.
Taryn’s violet eyes pinned him. “Why, Ian? So you could treat her like a leper in the comfort of your own home?”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Everyone believed he was cold, cruel, for keeping Lexi at arm’s length. But none of them understood that what he did, he did out of a love so deep, so true that he would sacrifice everything to keep her safe. Living like this was hell, but it was nothing compared to what life would be like if she wasn’t in it at all.
“Maybe not. But let me tell you what I do know. I know that Lexi loves you more than anything else in the world. That she would give anything if you would treat her like the loving, caring woman she is instead of a contagious disease. And that she still cries herself to sleep every night, holding on to a pillow that’s wrapped in a shirt you left behind in Benton, because you can’t man up and be there for her when she needs you the most.”
Ian blinked. She still slept with his shirt? He remembered the first time he saw her wearing his T-shirt, how good that had made him feel. It still did, only now it was accompanied by a familiar ache, the one that made him cranky. Because he wanted to be the one she held on to, the one she turned to in the middle of the night, not his shirt.
But to suggest that he wasn’t man enough to be there for her? Christ, he felt like he was dying inside. Staying away from Lexi was the hardest thing he had ever done.
Ian gave her a look that could have frozen Niagara Falls, but she just waved him off. “Don’t even try, Ian. Jake’s death scowl is much scarier than yours. And let me tell you this – you think you’re protecting her, but you’re killing her more than that damn disease ever could.”
“Hey,” said Shane, blowing into the kitchen and grabbing some of the Cheerios from Patrick’s tray. “What’s up, big man?” He put his hand up for a high-five and Patrick obliged. Then he tickled beneath Riley’s chin, making her giggle. Shane didn’t acknowledge his brother. Ian was used to it. At first they had pleaded with them. Then they pointedly avoided him. Now they just ignored him.
“Have you heard anything yet?” Shane asked Taryn.
“Not yet.” Taryn’s eyes shot over to Ian and back in a silent but blatant warning. Shane took the hint and rerouted himself toward the fridge. Ian narrowed his eyes suspiciously, but said nothing.
Sean thundered in, giving his twin a shoulder bump. “Well?”
Ian materialized out of the shadows. Normally he was more than happy to stay out of their group discussions, especially where Lexi was concerned, because those discussions inevitably turned into something akin to an intervention. Today, however, he was already on edge, and their non-attention was pissing him off.
Something was going on, and it had something to do with Lexi. Ian felt that despite his own self-imposed distance, anything to do with Lexi was his business. But before he could say anything, Taryn’s cell rang, the sweet sounds of AC/DC’s Highway to Hell filling the kitchen.
“Yeah?” she answered into the phone, the hopefulness in her voice unmistakable. At that moment Riley decided to let out a wail, so Taryn stuck one finger in her ear and turned away. Even from where he stood Ian could easily see the slump of her shoulders.
“I see... And there’s no... Yeah, okay... No, no problem, I can do that... Yeah, thanks Stace.... ‘K... Bye.”
She disconnected the call and took a deep breath before turning around. She looked at each of them briefly – Ian excluded – and shook her head.
Judging by their reactions, it was not good news. Shane and Sean shared a look, then made their exit, but not before shooting daggers at Ian.
“She’s not coming,” Ian said.
“No,” Taryn agreed. “Patrick’s going to hang out with us tonight, aren’t you, big guy?” Taryn said with false cheeriness, picking up a washcloth and wiping the Cheerio remains from between his fingers. He grinned and giggled.
Lexi lived for her son. There was no way she would just leave him there without a damn good reason. The cold weight in Ian’s stomach intensified. “Why not?” The mountain sized chip on his shoulder seemed a lot smaller suddenly.
Taryn paused. “You really don’t know, do you?”
“Taryn,” he warned.
“Ah, damn. Lexi’s probably never going to speak to me again for this, but...”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
“There’s nothing I can do, Ian.” Michael’s expression was as calm as ever, but Ian could sense the turbulence, see the frustration in his brother’s eyes
.
Ian sat across from him in a state of mild shock. It wasn’t the first time he’d heard those words come from his brother’s mouth, but those other times had been few and far between, and they had never applied to someone in their family. And Lexi was family, which was the only reason Michael was even discussing this with him in the first place.
The test results from Lexi’s first three months of the treatment showed very little improvement in her blood chemistry, and her overall health had taken a decided downturn, so much so that Michael had admitted her to a private room for the night for monitoring and rest.
“I thought the treatments were working.” Ian’s voice was hoarse.
There was sympathy in Michael’s eyes. Sympathy and something else – disappointment? “That’s what she wanted everyone to think.” Yet based on what Taryn had told him earlier, no one else besides him seemed to be fooled.
“Talk to me, Mick.”
Michael’s eyes glittered, the only indication of the powerful emotions he kept hidden away. With each interminable second that ticked by, the vacuum in Ian’s chest expanded. For Michael to hesitate that long, it had to be bad.
“She’s exhausted,” Michael finally said. “She’s not sleeping, not eating, not taking care of herself. She puts everything she has into Patrick, the house, and the new restaurant. She’s weakening to the point that the treatments are doing more harm than good. And the mind-fuck you’re doing on her is not helping.”
It wasn’t possible. It simply wasn’t possible. Ian saw her every day. Yes, she looked tired, but she had so much going on. And strained, yes, but he’d just assumed that was because of his presence. Ian imagined he looked much the same way; being around each other, trying to hold it together, was hard.
He clenched his jaw, wrapped his hand around the arm of the chair so tightly it cracked. Michael leveled his blue-eyed stare at him. Two men, brothers, with equally intense Irish eyes, who had done and seen more together than most brothers do in a lifetime, faced off.
It was Ian who breathed first. “Tell me what to do, Mick.”
Michael shifted in his chair. “It’s all or nothing, Ian. This is not something you can walk away from. Because I’m telling you right now – if you turn away from her again, it will kill her. And then, hell, I might just have to kill you myself.”
Flames flared in Ian’s eyes. He would expect those words from Kieran, or Jake, or any of his other brothers. But Michael? Michael was the healer, the one who never took sides. It was a testament to just how much of an asshole he’d been.
“I can’t lose her.” Ian’s head lowered. He rested his forearms on his powerful legs, his hands rubbing at his eyes. All of the rigid, hard lines of his body sagged. “Fuck, Mick,” he said, his voice weary. “I just can’t do this anymore. I swear to God...” His voice failed him for a moment, until he took a deep breath and gathered himself. “If I can’t hold her in my arms again...”
Ian felt a big, warm hand on his shoulder. It was nearly his undoing. He’d allowed no one – with the exception of his son – to get close enough to touch him these last six months, afraid the human contact might finally break down the last of his defenses.
“Alright, then,” Michael said softly. He gave Ian a few moments before he started outlining a plan.
* * *
It was hard to open her eyes. It felt as though fifty-pound sandbags had been laid over her lids. Her head pounded with the force of a thousand out-of-sync sledgehammers. Her mouth was so dry she didn’t even attempt to swallow, knowing it would hurt. And she was tired of hurting.
“Morning, Lex.” The words, though spoken in Michael’s deep, soothing voice, were like a bullhorn wired directly into her aural nerves. She winced, making her head throb all that much more.
“Son of a bitch,” she whispered hoarsely. “You drugged me.”
“I’m sorry about that, Lex,” Michael said, his voice reduced to little more than a whisper. “Your body needed some time to rest.” The regret in his words was genuine.
“Go to hell.” Lexi’s eyes were shut tight against the pain.
Unfazed, he wrapped his fingers around her wrist to check her pulse, then nodded in approval. “Much better.”
Unable to help herself, she groaned.
“Hangover’s a bitch, huh?” he asked, though his words were gentle, receiving a barely perceptible nod in response. “I can help with that.” A few clicks and swishes later, she felt a wonderful, cooling sensation flowing through her body as the pain started to ease almost instantly.
“Better?”
“Mmmmm,” she answered, her face relaxing. “That’s nice.”
Michael chuckled. “So I’ve been told.”
“Keep it coming and maybe I won’t have to kick your ass.”
Michael smiled. “Tease. Feel up for a visitor?” he asked. “Someone’s very anxious to see you.”
Michael nodded toward the door and Ian entered, holding Patrick. The little boy’s eyes lit up at the sight of his mama, his chubby arms extended as he reached for her.
Lexi avoided looking directly at Ian, concentrating on her son’s face instead. Michael raised the bed slowly so that she could hold him in her lap. Patrick nuzzled his lips against her face and mumbled, his words still unintelligible but his meaning clear. Lexi’s eyes filled with tears. “I missed you too, buddy.”
God, his eyes were so like his father’s. They had the power to fill her heart with so much love her chest felt like it might just explode.
“She can leave as soon as she’s ready,” Michael said to Ian.
Lexi’s gaze snapped up. Michael smiled and winked at her. “Later, beautiful.” And then the sneaky son of a bitch was gone.
“What is he talking about?” Lexi said, narrowing her eyes at Ian over her baby’s head.
“You’re coming home with me,” Ian informed her, placing the overnight bag on the chair.
“The hell I am.”
Ian ignored her, pulling out a pair of jeans, and a cotton T. He made a show of holding up the silken thong and matching bra for a moment, admiring them, before adding them to the pile. When his eyes met hers again they held a promise she hadn’t seen there in a long, long time.
He laid the clothes beside her, pulling Patrick back into his arms. “Come on, buddy,” he said. “Let’s let mommy get dressed. Unless she needs help, that is.” His eyes flashed at her again, raking across her body and Lexi felt a quick, sudden spasm across her middle. He held her gaze for a long moment, as if daring her to defy him.
Taryn chose that moment to breeze into the room. “Easy there, big guy,” she said, pushing Ian toward the door. “I got this one.”
Ian looked back at her one more time, and she thought she saw a flash of disappointment in them. Surely it was just a residual effect of the happy juice Michael had been pumping into her.
“Ready, Lex?” Taryn asked.
A familiar band tightened around her chest, the instinctual warning that told her she’d been set up. “Et tu?” she said icily.
Taryn laughed, looking happier than Lexi had seen her in ages. “You bet your ass,” she said with a grin that extended from ear to ear. “You’re coming back to the Pub, which means you and I are going to have some real quality girl time, Lex. And, might I say, it’s about time. Too much testosterone, not enough estrogen in that place, you get me?”
When Lexi made no move to get out of bed, Taryn whipped the sheet from Lexi’s legs, ignoring her death stare. “I don’t want to go to the Pub,” Lexi said, hating the childlike pout she heard in her own voice.
“Tough shit.”
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me.” Lexi had always secretly admired Taryn for her hard-ass attitude. But now that she was on the receiving end of it, not so much.
Lexi tried to pull away from Taryn as the other woman was coaxing her out of bed, but Taryn’s grip was like iron. Was Taryn that strong, or had Lexi allowed herself to become that weak?
�
�You’re a real bitch, you know that?”
Rather than be insulted, Taryn laughed again. “I’ve been trying to tell everyone that for years. Don’t know why everyone acts so surprised. Now come on. Everybody’s waiting on you.”
Lexi tried to hold her head high as she was led in through the private, back entrance of Jake’s Irish Pub, Ian’s strong hand stubbornly held at the small of her back. If she hadn’t let herself get so weak she would have kicked him good and hard. As it was, he didn’t even acknowledge the few times she’d tried to stomp on his toes, other than the slight flexing of his hand in warning.
“Try to move away from me,” he’d whispered against her ear earlier, “and I will sling you over my shoulder and paddle your ass.” It was an empty threat, she knew, but it still sent a shiver up and down the length of her spine.
Every available space in the oversized kitchen was filled with Callaghans. She felt almost as awkward as she had the first time she’d been here more than a decade ago. She had the sudden, intense urge to make them all a batch of cookies. But instead of Tollhouse morsels, she’d slip in some chocolate Ex-lax...
The welcome was understated, but sincere. Each of them hugged her, and with each embrace, she felt the anger slipping away a little more, stripping her down to the part of her that scared her the most – her heart. It was the streaming sixty-second video feed from Kieran, stationed God-only-knew-where, though, that broke through the last of her shields.
“I’m coming home soon, Lex,” he said into the camera, “and I’m hoping you’ll be there when I do.”
Lexi suddenly felt ashamed. Somewhere in her battles with Ian she’d forgotten how much Kieran’s friendship and support meant to her. By shutting them all out, she was doing to them exactly what Ian was doing to her. And she knew better than anyone how much that hurt.
“I’m so sorry, Kier,” she whispered into the mobile device. “I’ll try.” From somewhere behind her, Taryn sniffed and excused herself while the others exited quietly.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Ian sensed Lexi’s rising tension as she looked around, no doubt bemused by what she saw. Her clothes, make-up, and a few other personal items had been moved into Ian’s suite of rooms on the third floor. Riley and Patrick would be sharing a nursery, he told her. At the moment, both children were on the floor, Patrick eagerly pulling toys from the brightly-colored storage box and offering them to Riley while Taryn watched over them protectively.
First and Only: Callaghan Brothers, Book 2 Page 24
