Redemption

by Jaimie Roberts

  I closed my eyes. “Possibly. I don’t know.”

  “Maybe tonight might help you make a decision.” She paused for a moment. “Listen, I can’t tell you what it is you need to do, but whatever your decision, I will stand by you. And I mean that.”

  My eyes welled up a little. “Thank you, Tara. That means the world to me. You’re a true friend.” I wanted to believe that I could trust Tara, but it was hard. I loved her, but I had never truly given into her friendship with all my heart. I really wanted to, but it was just so damn hard.

  “I know people have let you down before, but I never will. I promise you that.”

  And just like that, she did it. She knew exactly what was on my mind and quelled it in one sentence.

  “Thanks. And the same goes for me. Without question.”

  “You’ve been through a lot, Jessica. You need to have people around you can rely on. Everybody does.” She sighed. “You know, it feels weird calling you Jessica when everyone else is calling you Tyler. Do you want me to call you Tyler? That is your actual name.”

  I smiled. “No, it’s okay. You’ve known me as Jessica for the last four years now. That would be a difficult one to break.”

  “Okay.”

  I looked at my watch and saw that I had twenty-five minutes to get ready. “Listen, I have to go. Evan’s picking me up in less than a half-hour and I haven’t even picked a dress out yet.”

  Tara laughed. “Okay, girl. You go. I’ve got to get ready for my date, too. Have fun, and let me know if you need me tonight. I know I’m on a date, but I will drop everything if you need me.”

  I had to smile again. I was lucky to have her. I wouldn’t disturb her tonight, no matter what the circumstances, but I felt treasured knowing she would be there for me at the drop of a hat.

  “I’m a lucky bitch to have you.” I chuckled into the phone.

  “Ah, well, that’s why ‘friends’ contains the word ‘end’. Because we stick together until the end.”

  I gasped. “Tara, that was so poetic. I’m impressed and touched all at the same time.”

  “Sometimes it’s hard work being me.”

  We both started laughing, then I sighed. “You have a great night, Tara. And tell Jimmy to take care of my girl this evening.”

  “I will.”

  We both hung up and after another fifteen minutes of looking through my wardrobe, I finally found something I felt comfortable in. It was a long, black dress with a slit up the front of one of my legs. It looked chic and sexy all in one. I topped it off with a pair of matching heels and once I looked in the mirror, I sighed. My hair was long and straight, and my make-up was light and soft. I didn’t like putting too much on.

  I was in the middle of looking through my handbag, making sure everything was there, when I heard a car horn outside. I peeked out and saw that it was Evan.

  Grabbing my keys, I rushed outside and was greeted by Evan standing outside his car door. He looked me up and down and smiled. “You look absolutely stunning tonight, Jessica.”

  I felt my cheeks redden. “Thank you.”

  Evan motioned towards the car. “Are you ready?” I nodded and he opened my door for me. He stood right in front of me and inhaled. “You smell delicious.” He leaned in for a kiss and I immediately stiffened. I hated that Dean was the reason for this now. Why did he have to go and spoil everything?

  So, despite my misgivings, I let Evan kiss me. I let his tongue explore my mouth and his hand ride up my back because I didn’t want to spoil this evening for him. I knew I had to give into this at some point, but I just felt now was the wrong time.

  We got to the restaurant right on time for our eight-thirty reservation. Evan had arranged for a table outside, so we took the only available table that was left.

  “Good evening. My name is Vincenzo and I’ll be your waiter for this evening. Would you like to order your drinks?”

  Evan ordered a bottle of Prosecco because he knew I loved the stuff. It was my mum who got me into it. The waiter soon came back with the wine and we ordered our meals. We were then left to our own devices.

  Evan grabbed my hand and held it in his. “How have you been? I’ve been worried about you. You must be missing Jeremy.”

  Just hearing his name made that gut-wrenching, stabbing feeling happen in my stomach. “Yes, I do. I think about him all the time.”

  Evan sighed. “I don’t like that he’s doing this to you. I don’t like the fact that he’s reduced you to this. I fucking hate it.”

  My eyes widened as I looked at Evan. It was unlike him to use strong curse words. The thought of that made me feel even more guilty. He didn’t deserve someone like me.

  “Evan, I’m fine. Please don’t worry yourself over me.”

  He looked pained. “But I do. I worry about you all the time. I think about you all the time. All I want is for us to be together as a family. I’ve been wanting that for a couple of years now. I think you realize that.”

  I closed my eyes and nodded. I knew this was kind of coming, but I didn’t think it would be so early into the evening. “I do, Evan. I know how you feel about me. About us. Let’s just enjoy the evening without thinking about that. I promise, we’ll talk when we get home. Okay?”

  Evan nodded his head. “Okay.”

  The meal came soon after that and we had light conversation about our time together and my exploits with Tara. I didn’t tell him about what happened last night. I think he would end up having a heart attack. I didn’t think that would look too good, considering he was a heart surgeon.

  The evening was relaxing and it felt like there was no pressure. I knew it was going to be short-lived, but I took this time and let myself enjoy it.

  That was, until our plates were cleared. We sat there drinking our wine when about five men, who looked to be in their early twenties, came up to our table. Two were holding guitars and all were smiling, looking in our direction.

  All of a sudden, one of the guys strummed his guitar. “I have a special request for Evan tonight.”

  Evan and I looked at each other as if to say, What the fuck? I found out soon enough when they all started singing Steal My Girl by One Direction.

  Oh, fuck and double fuck. I couldn’t believe the levels Dean had now gone to. The whole time they were playing, all I wanted to do was bury my head in my hands. In shock, Evan just sat there, mouth wide open. I couldn’t fucking blame him.

  Dean, you little shit!

  Once they finished, everyone cheered and they walked away. I didn’t quite know what to do, so all I did was sit and stare back at Evan. He looked at me quizzically, but I think he could tell something was wrong by the look on my face.

  “I think we need to go back to your house for that chat.”

  I nodded in resolution and we got up to pay for our meal. Soon, we were in Evan’s car and driving back to my house. No words were spoken the whole way, but I could tell Evan was uptight. His shoulders were tense and his jaw clenched from time to time. I hated that I was doing this to him.

  Once inside my house, we ventured over to the sofa and sat down. Evan sighed. “You know what that was about tonight, don’t you?” I nodded. “You need to tell me what’s going on.”

  So I did. I told him about what had been happening these past couple days. I even confessed to the kiss Dean and I shared outside the house yesterday. To say he didn’t look heartbroken was an understatement, but he deserved to know. He deserved to know the kind of woman he’d been dating for the past four years.

  “I don’t blame you if you hate me, Evan. I hate me.”

  Evan leaned back into the sofa and roughly rubbed his chin before looking at me. “I couldn’t hate you. I’m upset that you thought so little of our relationship, but I was always kidding myself that we even had one. I had the relationship, but you didn’t. It was always going to be one-sided. To be honest, I always knew, but I just clung onto the fact that, one day, you might just let him go and learn to love again. But it’s nev
er going to be that way, is it?”

  I closed my eyes because I knew I had to confess to him. He needed to know. I shook my head. “No, Evan. It isn’t.”

  Evan sighed in resolution, his eyes pooling a little with tears. “It was my own fault. I shouldn’t have clung onto the hope that we could ever have a relationship. I think I just loved you so much that anything you could give, I would take. I know that sounds pathetic, but it’s true.”

  I felt sick. I hated that I put us in this situation. I hated that I had broken his heart. Most of all, I hated myself more than ever.

  “I’m so sorry.” That was all I could offer him now. I wasn’t going to give him the bullshit story about him meeting someone better than me, et cetera, et cetera. That would only add salt to his wounds.

  Evan leaned forward and took my hand. “Don’t be. You never promised me anything, Jessica. You were always honest about your feelings towards me. I just let this go on a lot longer than I should have.”

  I grabbed his hand. “Are you going to be okay?”

  Evan smiled. “I’m going to be fine. I fix hearts, remember? I’m just sorry I never got to fix yours.” A tear rolled down my face and Evan wiped it away. “Now the question is are you going to be okay?”

  I nodded with a smile. “You know me. I’m always okay.”

  Evan huffed a little laugh. “See now, that’s your problem right there. You’re always just okay. Nobody should ever settle for just okay. You need to find brilliant. Until you do, okay is something you’ll live with for the rest of your life.”

  I smiled at Evan as another tear fell down my face. “You’re the most amazing man I have ever met, Evan.”

  He chuckled. “I hope I can be for someone one day. I now know it won’t be you.”

  I pulled Evan in for one last final hug. I knew this was goodbye. I never wanted it to end like this, but it was for the best. Evan was only wasting time with me when he could be out there finding Miss Right. The one lady who will be his amazing. Any woman would be lucky to have him. It just wasn’t going to be me. It never was.

  Evan pulled away and got up as he held my hand. “Please take care of yourself. And this.” He placed his hand on my heart. “It’s precious, and you only have the one.” He laughed at his own joke and walked towards the door.

  Once Evan stepped outside, I leaned forward and placed a kiss on his lips. He lingered, but I pulled away, not wanting to make this harder than it already was. “I love you, Evan.”

  There. I said it, and it was true. I did love him. I had always loved him. I just couldn’t love him in the way he wanted me to. I needed him to know, though. I needed him to see that I did love him for the great person he was.

  Evan blinked back his tears and smiled as he kissed my hand. “I love you, too.” He turned and walked to his car. I watched as he pulled away, and then I shut the door behind me.

  Chapter 8

  Dean

  Redemption comes to those who wait,

  forgiveness is the key.

  Tom Petty

  I felt sorry for the poor little fuck. Anyone who ever came into contact with Tyler would naturally fall in love with her. That was just the kind of person she was. I hated what I was doing, but I never said I would play fair. I warned Tyler I would fight for her at all costs. I felt bad it was at the cost of Evan’s heart, but she was never his in the first place. No one would ever truly love her and take care of her like I could. She had to realize that.

  I waited in the shadows for five minutes after Evan left. I wanted to give Tyler a little bit of time to calm down after what she must have been going through. I didn’t get off on it like I thought I would. None of this was child’s play. It involved fucking with people’s hearts and minds. I wasn’t a bad person. I just couldn’t play nice when it involved my Tyler.

  I knocked on her door, and I didn’t have to wait long before she answered. She looked sad and a little bit resigned to something, but I wasn’t sure what. Was it the ending of one relationship, or the beginning of another? I hoped both, but I wasn’t going to jump to conclusions. If she wanted me in her heart, I had to tell her my secret. We could never move on unless I did. I didn’t want to carry this burden on my shoulders for the rest of my life. I needed to unleash my guilt. I needed her to wash it all away and accept me in her arms as her Dean that once was, is now, and could be later. I had to be honest and lay it on the line for her. Only then could we truly move forward.

  “I hope you’re pleased with yourself.”

  She looked a little angry as she stepped away from the door and walked into the living room. She also looked absolutely beautiful with her long, flowing hair and black dress with the slit up her leg. What I wouldn’t give to slide my hand up her thigh right now and take her how she wanted me to. I could be as gentle or as rough as she wanted it. Her pleasure had always been mine.

  I shut the door and followed her into the room. “To be honest with you, Tyler, I didn’t enjoy what just happened here. Evan seems like a good man and I feel bad for him. I didn’t intentionally go into this planning on hurting him, but you have to be honest with yourself and me. Did you ever really love him?”

  Tyler sighed and sat down in the sofa. “No, not in the way he wanted me to.”

  I sighed in relief and sat down next to her. “It will be hard on him for a little while. By fuck, I know what it feels like. He will get over it and move on, but I will never get over you and move on, and that is the biggest difference here, Tyler. Can’t you see that?”

  She nodded and closed her eyes. “I can’t hide how I feel about you, Dean. I think you know you have always been in my heart—”

  I interrupted her. “Why do I feel like there’s a ‘but’ in your next sentence?” She looked at me sheepishly and I sighed. “Tyler, what’s holding you back? Please tell me and I will fix it. I’ll do anything you ask. I just need to know so I know what to do.”

  She looked up at me for a moment and I immediately felt lost in her eyes. I never seemed to tire looking into them. If forever was in there somewhere, I’d dive in head first.

  “I don’t know whether to trust you again. I don’t know whether to trust anyone after what you did. The whole thing affected me in ways that never healed me, and I don’t know whether I can heal after that.”

  I moved closer to her and took her hand. “Tyler, I know I need to work hard to gain your trust again. I know I fucked up in the worst way possible, but I’m determined to make things right. Do you at least believe I’m not here to harm you? That I’m here because I want you back?”

  She nodded. “Yes, I believe that.”

  I squeezed her hand. “Then let me in and I’ll show you how good letting go can be. I’ll show you that loving me is the best feeling in the world. I’ll show you just how worshipped I can make you feel. You’re up here.” I raised my hand high in the air. “And I’m down here.” I placed my hand lower. “It is always going to be that way and do you know why?” She shook her head. “Because you’re sheer presence alone brings me to my knees. I will always be down here because I worship every single bit of ground you walk on, and every single step you take.”

  She gave me a little cheeky smile. “Are you quoting a certain song lyric?”

  I smiled, remembering Halloween night when I played her Every Breath You Take by The Police. I didn’t intentionally say those words. It was just the way it came out.

  “No, I’m not quoting song lyrics. That ship has sailed, Tyler. Lotus will never come back again.”

  I saw a hint of what looked like disappointment. It surprised me somewhat. Maybe she actually missed Lotus, the guy who snuck into her room at night.

  The disappointment disappeared and what replaced it was an unamused look. “One Direction? Seriously?”

  I started laughing. “I’m not a fan of boy bands, but I think you can see why I particularly like that one. The song spoke the words as if they were meant for me. You belong to me, Tyler, plain and simple. There are plenty of
other girls out there for the likes of Evan, but this one right here in front of me,” I placed my hand on her cheek, “will always be mine. There isn’t anyone else out there, Tyler. It’s you. It’s always been you.”

  Tyler closed her eyes and leaned into my touch. Her breathing became labored as she kissed my hand and rubbed her cheek against it. My dick instantly strained against my trousers. I wanted to be inside her so badly. I needed to make love to her. I needed her to know that being loved by me was the one thing she would never have to want and need because she had it. She had my love and she had me. All of me.

  But as quick as the moment was there, it was gone. Tyler seemed to snap out of it as her eyes popped open and she shrugged away from my touch. “You’re dangerous, Dean. You bring danger with you. How can I know for sure that we’ll always be safe?”

  I knew this was an issue for her. It was obvious after the way her mood quickly shifted when Jimmy revealed our working relationship with one another.

  “I’m giving it up. I’ll give it all up and move out here with you. I’ll be wherever you want me to be. I actually have a legitimate business out here in Miami. I could expand it and get an office out here. You could help run it with me, if you want.”

  She smiled and shook her head. “I’m a kindergarten teacher now. I have been for the last three years. I’m just not working now as it’s the summer holiday.”

  I smiled and my heart ached with pride. “You always wanted to be a teacher.”

  She nodded, then frowned. “What happened to the London Daily?”

  “I sold it. I didn’t think there was any reason to keep it going after you left. You were the reason I bought it in the first place. With a couple others, I had the majority share. I offered them my portion and they accepted it. The mansion is gone now. I’ve kind of left things up to Humphrey to run. He always liked being the bad guy.” I laughed a little, thinking about him. I hadn’t called Humphrey in a couple of days. I had to remedy that.