The First Touch of Sunlight

by Len Webster

  Dark grey clouds that could drown them.

  They didn’t have a shitty father or a heartbroken mother.

  They didn’t have an ex who had cheated on them and gotten pregnant.

  None of them were pretending to be a father to a baby who wasn’t biologically theirs.

  If he hadn’t fallen in love with Beth’s baby, he’d dust his hands and say that he was done. He wasn’t going to raise some other fucker’s child. But Beth was a good person, and she had made a mistake. He did, too. In fact, he had made many. All of them involved the blonde wearing the tight, off-the-shoulder dark blue gown.

  Meredith Driessen was even more beautiful than he could have imagined.

  Her curls were pinned into a messy bun that showed off her dangly earrings. Her soft, creamy skin looked heavenly against the dark colour of her dress. He presumed the dark eye shadow she wore and the rest of her makeup matched her dress.

  She wasn’t just sexy; she was stunning.

  She appeared happy as Phil twirled her.

  Sam clenched his fists as the jealousy coursed through him. He envied his best friend. He wished he were dancing with her. The only reason he was at the stupid formal was because his mother had begged him to go. Phil had also expressed his desire for Sam to make an appearance.

  But in all honesty, he hadn’t gone just for them.

  He wanted to see Meredith.

  See her smile and dance.

  See her be happy without him.

  And he couldn’t take his eyes off her.

  She was such a sight that he forced himself to look away, to spare himself the torture of not being with her.

  It had been almost two weeks since she had confronted him in the locker bay. He had missed her birthday dinner to be with Beth—who was in the hospital. He had made a choice. He knew that. Meredith even knew that.

  Guilt had consumed Beth because of it.

  Her texts and updates were only a few words.

  The other day he had taken her to Bunnings Warehouse to look at paint swatches for their son’s bedroom. He had argued with her that he would paint the nursery walls, but she had said that her dad would because Sam had to concentrate on his upcoming exams. Graduation was only three weeks away and after that, final exams. He needed to ace them to get a high ATAR score to get into Monash University. She was right. He did have to study, but it was hard to do so with Meredith on his mind. Hard to go through every school day seeing her in class or in the halls.

  “Sam,” Meredith said. He glanced up to see the small smile on her face. “Would you like to dance?”

  He sat in his seat, completely shocked at her question. All he did was blink at her. He was speechless.

  Meredith’s smile faded, and that sad gleam returned to her blue eyes. “Are you embarrassed to be seen with me?”

  “No,” he breathed. Sam stood up from his chair and shook his head at her. “I’ve never been embarrassed to be seen with you, Meredith.”

  “Then dance with me,” she said, holding out her hand.

  It was confusing.

  He had no idea who this Meredith was.

  Had she forgotten that he hadn’t shown up at the restaurant for her birthday?

  Hadn’t she realised that he had hurt her so many times?

  Sam set his hand in hers as she led him to the dance floor. The lights dimmed, and the techno song quickly ended. Instead, the sounds of a guitar filled the gym.

  In an instant, he knew what song it was.

  It was one of his favourite songs by Snow Patrol, “Chasing Cars.”

  It seemed an unusual choice for a slow song at a formal.

  But he went with it.

  His first and last dance with Meredith Driessen.

  High school would be over soon.

  This was all he had left of her.

  She rested her palm on his shoulder as he set his hand on her hip, bringing her close to him.

  This song—in all its sadness—was perfect for them.

  In time with the music and lyrics did they dance, his eyes on hers.

  Never wanting the sensation of her body close to his to ever go away.

  At that moment, his life fell into pretend where everything was perfect.

  He had her in a tiny period of forever at that moment.

  “Sam,” Meredith whispered. She let out a shaky breath. “Why do you look at me like you’re so afraid of me?”

  He hadn’t missed the strain in her voice. It was heartbreaking to hear.

  He wanted to say that it was because he was.

  He was afraid of Meredith Driessen.

  She was the symbol of everything he couldn’t have or want.

  He was afraid of this moment ending and afraid of a life without her.

  “Am I that horrible to be around?”

  Sam glanced down to see her bottom lip quiver.

  It was horrible.

  She made his heart thump out of its normal pattern. She made his breathing feel as if he weren’t doing it properly. She made him forget to inhale air. She also made him lightheaded with her smile.

  And she made him feel.

  He wished she hadn’t.

  Some days, he wished she hadn’t had the strength or fight in her to pull him out of the river.

  Then he wouldn’t have known what it would be like to be so in love with her.

  “You’re not,” he finally admitted.

  She dropped her hand from his and then cupped his jaw. Her eyes searched his.

  “I love you,” she whispered loud enough for him to hear.

  His heart shrivelled up at those three words. He hadn’t felt joyous over the revelation; he felt pained. Like air entered his lungs and he was choking on it.

  People had continued to dance around them, unaware that Meredith Driessen had confessed that she loved him.

  She loved him.

  Undeserving him.

  “It’s killing me inside to love you so much and for you not to realise that,” she cried. Her eyes shone with unshed tears. Her hands shook as she cradled his jaw.

  Confident Meredith was gone.

  Vulnerable and scared Meredith had taken her place.

  “Meredith,” he breathed.

  I have to turn Meredith away.

  Sam wrapped his hands around her wrists and pulled her touch away from him.

  “Follow me,” he said, surprising himself. He should have said, ‘I don’t love you that way.’ He should have walked away. He should have ended it for the both of them.

  She blinked at him. Her wounded expression was one that would forever haunt him. Sam kept his hands to himself as he stalked away from Meredith and towards the gym exit.

  Once out in the quiet night, he let his heavy breathing fill his ears.

  Then he heard the clicks of her high heels stop behind him.

  Destroy this, Sam.

  End this.

  Your life never belonged with Meredith.

  End it.

  “I love you,” he said softly, afraid to look at her.

  “You love me?” he heard her say breathlessly.

  He nodded, not sure if she could see it. “We have to go somewhere,” he said and began to take steps away from her and towards the car park.

  Sam put his Jeep into park and left the lights on, giving them the view of the riverbank. He had said nothing during their drive over. Meredith had done the same.

  ‘I love you’ had been expressed.

  But he sensed that she was as apprehensive as he was.

  “I know what you’re doing, Sam,” Meredith said in a tiny voice.

  “You do?” He pulled his focus off the still river to concentrate on the bleak expression of her face.

  She nodded. “You brought me here to sa
y it, to turn me away, didn’t you? Don’t say goodbye to me yet.”

  Sam unbuckled his belt, frightened of the throbbing in his chest. Then he pulled on the door handle and got out of the car. He took large steps until he stood by the bonnet and the headlights brightened the ground below his feet. He covered his face with his palms and screamed into them.

  It was never supposed to be this complicated.

  He agreed to be the father of Beth’s baby.

  That was it.

  He’d finish high school, go to university, and raise his son.

  Meredith Driessen was never supposed to fall in love with him.

  She was never meant to be in the middle.

  When he heard the car door shut, he moved his hands to see Meredith in front of him. A smile slowly spread across her face. One that he didn’t understand and one that was too sweet to be directed at him. The lights from the Jeep illuminated every aspect of Meredith’s face and blonde hair. He would miss this. The sight of her. The way she smiled and how she felt so perfect to him. He’d miss her gracefulness and her humbleness.

  But she was never his to begin with.

  He shouldn’t have gone to the river that night. He shouldn’t have gotten in his car and driven to the reserve. He should have sat with his mother and comforted her when his father had walked out on them after Sam revealed Beth’s pregnancy.

  Many should-have-beens that he could never execute.

  He could never change it.

  He wished he had.

  Then he’d never know the pain of losing Meredith.

  “Meredith, you have taken me back plenty of times. Forgiven me more times than you should have. I never deserved it. You waste your time with me.”

  “How I spend my time isn’t up to you or anyone else. It’s my choice. I only care about you.” She let out a slow exhale. “I love you, Sam.”

  Those four words sent a jolt straight to his heart.

  How did she not see how unfair this was?

  How could she love him after everything?

  Meredith shivered. He would have offered her his jacket if he hadn’t left it at home. With a sigh, he spun around and made his way to the Jeep’s boot. He pulled on the handle and opened it to find the large unused blanket. Reaching over, he picked it up and then shut the boot. It took him seconds to return to her, staring at him with her teary eyes.

  He breathed out as he stepped towards her and draped the brown blanket around her.

  “You said you love me,” Meredith whispered.

  Sam set his hands on her shoulders. “I know. I do. But …”

  “But what?”

  Her blue eyes made that hole in his heart even deeper and larger, almost obliterating it.

  “I don’t know,” he lamely said.

  He knew exactly why.

  He was delaying it.

  Delaying her heartbreak.

  And in turn, his own.

  “Do you really love me or were you just saying it?”

  “I …” Sam paused as his palms skimmed down her blanket-covered arms to clutch her hands. “I really do love you, Meredith.”

  He heard the hitch in her breathing.

  Her eyes had roamed the surface of his face before she whispered, “Then show me.” She pulled her hands free and took a step back. With a shaky hand, she pulled the blanket off her and laid it on the grass. “Show me you love me.”

  “Mere—”

  She shook her head. Her fingers went to her hair and pulled out the bobby pins that had held her bun together. She let every single one she had pulled out fall to the ground. Her curly blonde hair tousled down past her chest. She slipped off her heels with ease and then her arms reached around her.

  Meredith’s eyes locked on his as her dress’s zipper echoed around them as she pulled it down. It had loosened around her bust before she shimmied out of it.

  She had gone braless.

  Her chest heaved as she stared at him.

  He should deny her.

  Tell her no.

  Instead, he watched as she stepped out of her formal dress and made her way to him. Sam swallowed hard as her fingers brushed his chest.

  “I love you,” she said as she popped the top button, eyes firmly on his. “I love you.”

  Another button popped.

  “I love you.”

  The third button was undone.

  “I love you.”

  The fourth had no chance.

  “I love you.”

  The fifth did not fight her.

  Her fingers were at the last button when Sam’s hands held her wrist.

  He gazed down at her. Without reserve, he had softly said, “I love you,” before he felt the last button pop free. He had let her peel his shirt off his back before she had looped her arms around his neck and their lips found each other.

  Right here.

  Right now.

  He could make her feel his love.

  For this one moment, he’d give them what they both wanted.

  Their kiss was incredible.

  The passion.

  The emotion.

  It was raw.

  And it was beautiful.

  Sam pulled back and then brushed her hair from her face, aware that her breasts pushed against his bare chest.

  “Meredith, are you sure?” he asked.

  “Yes.” Her answer was barely a whisper.

  That one word and his heart threw itself against his ribcage.

  God, she’s beautiful.

  The love in her eyes.

  Just for me.

  Just for right now.

  “Meredith …”

  “Yes?”

  “Are you a virgin?” he asked gently.

  She had blinked several times at him. Then she shook her head and stepped back. “No,” she answered, as if she were ashamed. “I’m not.”

  He couldn’t help but feel disappointed. He wanted to be her first.

  He couldn’t imagine her being intimate with anyone else.

  He didn’t want to think of her with anyone else.

  “It’s okay,” he assured as he reached out and set his palms on the nape of her neck. “I love you, Meredith.”

  He said it one more time, knowing it would be the last time.

  Her eyes glimmered. She kissed his chin and then his lips. “I love you, Sam.”

  Sam blinked his eyes open as he heard the sound of some sort of bird chirping. The first thing he saw was the cloudy sky above him. He turned his head to the left to find that Meredith wasn’t where she had fallen asleep.

  He’d fallen asleep loving the sight of her cuddled up to him.

  They had made love twice.

  He was about to grab the condoms he had in his glove box when she told him that she was on the shot and that she was clean. After Beth had told him she had cheated on him, Sam had been tested. He was also clean.

  He’d been with several girls before Meredith.

  But none of them could ever compare to her.

  The feel of her.

  The taste of her.

  The way she dug her nails into his flesh as he pumped into her.

  Slowly.

  Everything was slow.

  They had taken their time.

  As if time had no force in their relationship.

  He’d reached pleasures he had never known with her.

  Sam quickly sat himself up to discover Meredith sitting in the middle of the blanket with the end flipped over to cover her. Looking around, he found his underwear to the right of him. After he had picked them up, he slipped them on then crawled over to her.

  “Morning,” he greeted in a soft voice. He pressed him lips against her shoulder. Her skin felt like silk.

&nbs
p; “Morning,” Meredith said.

  He glanced up, his mouth centimetres from her shoulder, to see the smile on her face. Then she returned her focus to the sky.

  “See that yellow shimmering in the water?” she asked.

  Sam sat behind her and peered over her shoulder to see the sparkling yellow reflecting on the river.

  “That’s my favourite colour. I watched the sunrise. Watched it slowly reflect across the water. It was beautiful; right there is …”

  “The first touch of sunlight,” he said in awe.

  Meredith spun around. “The first touch of sunlight?”

  He nodded. “That’s you. My first and only touch of sunlight. You’re the brightness that shines through. That graces those you meet. You bring so much warmth to my life. You’re the first sun of spring after winter. My favourite colour was blue, like the water, but now, it’s you. My favourite colour is the first touch of sunlight.”

  She shifted forward and then climbed onto his lap, straddling him. Her soft breasts against his hard chest. “That was beautiful.”

  A just woken Meredith was beautiful.

  Her smile radiated warmth.

  Her vibrant blue eyes were stunning.

  She was everything perfect.

  She was it.

  The love of his life.

  He might be eighteen, but he knew how he felt about her.

  “Come on,” he said. “We’d better get dressed. We can go to the Bear Hunt and get the first pancakes they make.”

  The excitement reached her eyes. “Pancakes sound so good right now.” She reached to his left and picked up her dark blue formal dress. Meredith had stood up and stepped in it before she shimmied it up her perfect curves and covered her beautiful body with the glittery material. Then she spun around and looked over her shoulder at him. “Zip me up?”

  Sam got on one knee and held the zipper between his thumb and his index finger. Then he leant forward and kissed the small of her back.

  I love you.

  He pulled away from her skin and zipped the dress up a fraction. Then he pressed his lips slightly higher than the last kiss.

  I love you.

  Now, he was on his feet, and he pulled the zipper higher and kissed her back.

  I love you.

  And finally, he zipped her formal dress completely.

  I love you.

  He hadn’t said each “I love you” out loud, afraid of where it would lead them.