Not as Expected

by T. T. Kove

  Not as Expected

  book 2 in the Unexpected duet

  TT Kove

  Arctic Circle Press

  Not as Expected © 2019 by TT Kove

  Published by Arctic Circle Press

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner without written permission, except for in the purpose of reviews.

  This book is a work of fiction and as such all characters and situations are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual people, place, or events is coincidental.

  Not as Expected is set in Norway, and as such uses British English throughout.

  Contents

  About

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Epilogue

  Afterword

  Also by TT Kove

  About the Author

  About

  Having two boyfriends is the least of my problems.

  I’m home on holiday and everything should be fine. But it’s so far from fine and I don’t know what to do about it. I should be happy. I have two boyfriends. I have a found family I love.

  All I get is my arse landed in the psychiatric centre and I lose the entire holiday. When I come to, everyone’s gone back to school. I didn’t even get to say goodbye because of my stupid brain.

  I need to get better. I need to take all the help offered. I can’t continue living like this. I need to get better for them... and most of all, for myself.

  This wasn’t what I’d expected, but maybe it’s exactly what I needed.

  Chapter 1

  Coming home for the holiday, to the only place I’d ever truly felt welcomed, should be a good thing. It should make me happy.

  Spoiler alert: it didn’t.

  Exams had gone to hell. I’d only been able to do the one (because it was an exam I could write on my laptop at home), but I had no idea if I’d managed to scrape so much as a passing grade.

  Bright and early the very day after we came home, I sat in the doctor’s office and waited. I didn’t want to be there. All I wanted was to go home and crawl into the bed I’d almost not left this morning. The bed where I’d left Andreas asleep. He’d offered to come with me, but he’d been exhausted, so I’d let him sleep. Now I wished I’d been a little more selfish because I truly could’ve done with him at my side.

  ‘Alexander Eknes,’ a female voice said.

  I looked up, saw my GP, and finally got off the hard chair that didn’t do anything to give my bony arse any kind of comfort.

  ‘Hi.’ My GP smiled at me as she held the door to her office open, letting me precede her inside.

  I managed a small smile in return as I took my seat on yet another hard, uncomfortable chair. Honestly, if my arse was going to hurt, I’d much prefer it to be well-fucked beforehand. At least then I knew it’d be worth it.

  She walked behind her desk and sat down, turning to face me. ‘What can I help you with today, Alex?’ She folded her hands on her desk, giving me her full attention.

  I opened my mouth but no words came out. I didn’t know what to say. Where to begin. My mind was completely blank and I had no idea how to explain how I felt.

  ‘I’m depressed,’ was all that eventually came out. ‘I couldn’t go to any of my exams.’

  ‘Why couldn’t you go?’ she asked, friendly as ever, and a little curious.

  ‘I tried to.’ I hunched my shoulders miserably. ‘I really did. But I just... I couldn’t do it. I’m miserable all the time and I don’t know why. I should be happy, but I’m not.’

  ‘Well, depression isn’t something you can flip a switch on.’ She turned a little on her chair, attention away from me to tap on her keyboard. ‘How long have you been depressed?’

  ‘Forever.’ I shrugged. ‘I don’t know. It’s up and down. Sometimes I feel great and other times I don’t.’ I wasn’t explaining myself well.

  ‘Are you cutting again?’ As my GP for the last couple of years, she knew about my bad habit of self-harm.

  ‘Yeah. Not as much or as often as before, but... Yeah.’ I gripped my forearms, feeling the sting of the newest cuts.

  ‘What about the antidepressants you got last year?’ She was typing quickly now. ‘They helped, didn’t they?’

  ‘In the beginning, yeah. Then they just stopped working. So I quit taking them.’

  She nodded, continuing to type. ‘How are you feeling right now? Just sad? Or is it worse?’

  ‘Worse.’ I moved around on the little chair, uncomfortable. ‘I’m not—’ I swallowed, unable to get the words out on the first try. ‘I’m not actively suicidal, but... I don’t particularly care about living either.’

  She looked at me again now. ‘Maybe we should think about getting you admitted to the psychiatric centre? I’m loathe to give you new antidepressants right before Christmas and the holidays. If something happens, I’m not in the office to help you.’

  ‘I don’t want to spend Christmas in the psychiatric centre.’ I wanted to be with Andreas and Leo and everyone else. ‘I don’t want to.’

  She nodded. ‘I understand. It’s Christmas. Of course you’d want to spend it with your family. But at the same time, starting a new medication just before a holiday isn’t the best timing.’

  ‘I understand. But what can really happen in the few days you’re closed?’

  She watched me for a few silent moments, then she swung back to her keyboard. ‘I’ll prescribe you new antidepressants. But if you have any side effects except the mostly harmless, usual ones, you contact the A&E, okay? And consider a hospital stay for me, would you? I think it could help you. We can set up a new appointment for next week, once we open again, and then the week after that again, after New Year. How does that sound?’

  ‘Sounds good.’ Not really, but then nothing felt good right now. Except for sex, that always felt good no matter what. But that only lasted so long and then it was right back to being miserable again.

  I wondered if I ever would feel good again about my life. Right now it didn’t feel like it.

  ‘I’d also like to send a referral for you so you can get some psychiatric help in Oslo.’

  I stared at her, unable to form words. Part of me knew I needed more help than my GP could give me, but the other part just wanted to go back to bed and stay there and never face anyone else ever again.

  ‘You need to see someone professional, Alex,’ she prodded gently. She typed some more on her computer, eyes scanning the screen. ‘You haven’t seen anyone since early last year.’

  Since I went to see a psychologist after the bashing, yeah. I knew. I’d stopped going to that as well after it felt like it’d helped. It’d only been for processing the hate crime I’d suffered, I hadn’t really talked about my depression. That was more for my sudden anxiety to not touch my boyfriend in public. I got over that, to a certain degree, so then there was no point in keeping up the therapy.

  ‘I don’t want to go back,’ I admitted in a low voice.

  She turned to me again. ‘To Oslo?’

  I nodded jerkily. ‘I don’t like it there. I can’t go to lectures. I failed all my exams. I’ve got Andreas and Glenn and Sarah and Viktor—’ As if she knew who any of them were. Except maybe Andreas, he might be mentioned in my file as my boyfrie
nd. ‘But they are busy with their studies. They have their own lives. And I’ve got nothing.’

  ‘I would feel better if you would voluntarily admit yourself, Alex.’ She folded her arms on the desk, watching me with what I was pretty sure was worry. ‘I can send a referral to the psychiatric centre here if you want.’

  I shook my head. ‘I don’t know what I want. I don’t want to go back, but I have to because I need to pay my share of the rent. But I can’t go to university, so I’m not going to get student loans forever when they realise. And then what the hell do I do? I can’t work like this.’

  ‘Alex.’ Her voice was low, calm.

  I sniffled and looked up at her.

  ‘I can call the psychiatric centre right now.’ She stared intently at me. ‘I can’t promise they have beds available today, but they will admit you when they do. They can’t turn you away.’

  If Andreas was here, he’d tell me to take the offer. But Andreas wasn’t here and Christmas Eve was in three days.

  ‘I want to celebrate Christmas at home.’

  ‘How about I give them a call and ask if you can be admitted after Christmas then?’

  I sniffled again, thoughts spinning. Andreas would want me to do it. Glenn too, probably, though he freely admitted he didn’t think a stay in the hospital helped him any. He was alive and happy with his life now though, so clearly it’d helped him in some way.

  ‘Okay,’ I relented. ‘Okay. Do it.’

  She nodded, gazing at me for a few more seconds, before spinning her chair around to the phone that stood on the other end of her desk.

  It was happening then. My fucked up mind was landing me in a psychiatric hospital. Maybe it was for the best. Maybe it would help. I hated feeling like this and I didn’t want to continue this downward spiral I was in. Because I recognised it for what it was. I was spiralling downwards fast and it was better to get help now before I hit the bottom, than to be splattered against it. That wouldn’t be a good sight for anyone.

  Chapter 2

  ‘Why’d you go on your own?’ Andreas asked when I walked through his bedroom door. He was up and dressed with hair damp from the shower he must’ve clearly had.

  ‘You were sleeping.’ I shrugged, putting my little plastic bag with my new pills on my bedside table. ‘I didn’t want to wake you.’

  ‘I wanted to go with you, Alex.’ He sidled up behind me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders, nose nuzzling my hair. He smelled fresh, and of cologne, and I... I hadn’t showered today. Maybe I still smelled like sweat from the sex we’d had last night. ‘How’d it go?’

  ‘Fine.’ Why was it so easy to answer ‘fine’ and ‘good’ to questions like these when I felt anything but? ‘I got new antidepressants. And I’m being admitted to the psychiatric centre after Christmas.’

  ‘What?’ He stiffened behind me, then he grabbed my shoulders and forcefully turned me around. I didn’t exactly fight it, but I didn’t turn on my own either. I stared resolutely at his T-shirt-clad chest. ‘She thought you were that bad? Then why didn’t you get you in there from today? Why wait?’

  ‘Because I want to celebrate Christmas here, with you.’ I stabbed a finger right in the middle of his chest. ‘I don’t want to spend Christmas in a hospital while you’re all here enjoying the holidays together.’ Tears stung my eyes now and I bowed my head.

  ‘I wouldn’t be enjoying the holidays without you.’ He took my hand in his and entangled our fingers.

  ‘See, then I’d just be ruining Christmas for you instead,’ I sniffled.

  ‘I want you to get better, Alex.’ He took a step closer, bringing us flush together. ‘I want you to feel good about yourself. If that means you have to be hospitalised for the holiday, then so be it.’

  ‘I don’t want to.’ I clutched to his hand. It felt like it should hurt him, but he was fit and probably used to worse since I was just a scrawny thing with no muscles whatsoever. ‘I want to be here.’

  ‘Okay.’ He bent down a little to put his forehead against mine. ‘We’ll celebrate Christmas here, together. And then you do whatever you can to get better. Can you promise me that?’

  ‘I promise.’ My voice came out all low and broken and I hated it, but I knew he was right. I had to do something and staying cooped up inside on my own or shagging either Andreas or Glenn wasn’t helping me any.

  He embraced me, strong arms enveloping me and making me feel safe. He always made me feel safe. But I couldn’t just tag along with whatever he was doing. That wouldn’t make me happy either. I needed to figure out what did make me happy, and only then could I maybe figure out what to do with my own life.

  ‘I’m off to meet the lads. You want to come?’

  I shook my head against his chest. ‘I want to go back to sleep, to be honest.’

  ‘You’ll be okay here on your own?’ He drew back so he could look at my face.

  I nodded now. ‘Yeah, I just want to sleep. I woke up at an ungodly hour this morning, and then I had the doctor’s appointment way too early, so I’m just tired.’

  ‘If you want me to stay, I will,’ he offered.

  ‘No, you should go. I’m going to be sleeping anyway.’ I didn’t want to keep him from being social with his friends. He hadn’t seen Peter since this summer. And him hanging out with Glenn without me could only be good. Right? They wouldn’t talk about me with Peter around, anyway.

  ‘Okay.’ He stroked my hair back. It was probably all mussed and oily and gross, considering I hadn’t showered out the wax I’d used on it yesterday. Maybe I should take a shower before I face-planted in bed, but honestly, I couldn’t face being on my feet much longer. ‘I’ll be back in a few hours.’

  I could tell he was hesitating leaving, as he didn’t move away from me or stop stroking my hair.

  ‘Go.’ I pushed gently against his chest. ‘I’m fine.’ That was a lie. ‘I’ll be fine. I won’t even notice you’ve been gone. When I wake up again, you’ll be back.’

  Yet he still hesitated, looking at me as if he wasn’t sure he should go anyway.

  ‘Andreas, go. Be with your mates. I’m not good company for anyone.’

  ‘I don’t want to leave you when you’re like this.’

  ‘You don’t have to stay just to watch me sleep,’ I pointed out. ‘Go out. Have fun. I’ll be blissfully unaware of everything that’s wrong.’

  He chewed worriedly on his bottom lip. ‘If you need anything, just send me a text, okay? Or Glenn, if it’s easier to talk to him about this stuff.’

  ‘It’s not easy to talk about to anyone.’

  He nodded, then dragged a hand through his hair, messing it up. ‘Okay, if you’re sure—’

  ‘I am.’ That came out with a finality I didn’t feel. I wanted nothing more than to sink into bed and his arms, but I wasn’t good company and I did want to sleep. And he had friends he should go see, go have some fun with. ‘Go.’

  ‘Okay. I’m going.’ He held his hands up, palms facing me. ‘Just text if there’s anything. And I do mean anything, Alex.’

  ‘Yeah.’ I wrapped my arms around myself as he finally left the room and sunk down on the bed. I grabbed the little plastic bag holding my new meds. One tablet a day, in the morning, the label stuck to it with my name read. It was still morning, so I popped one out and took a sip of the tepid water I’d brought with me last night. Better start them sooner rather than later and hope they worked quickly.

  I put the glass back on the bedside table and fell back on the bed with a heavy sigh.

  Why didn’t I feel happy being back here? Back home? Because this was home. I didn’t feel at home in Oslo. This bedroom, this house, these people... they were my family. Andreas’s family by blood and my chosen family. They liked me, they wanted me around, I was welcome here. Something I’d never been growing up in my parents’ house.

  So why did I still feel so fucking miserable?

  Chapter 3

  ‘Alex?’

  I rolled away from the hand o
n my shoulder, shaking me awake.

  ‘Alex?’ It was Andreas.

  ‘Go away,’ I muttered into the pillow.

  ‘There’s only one pill missing,’ another deep voice said from a little further away. Glenn. What the hell were Andreas and Glenn doing here together, waking me? Maybe I was dreaming and this was the start of some threesome fantasy. Not that I’d ever fantasised about a threesome with them.

  Andreas stopped shaking me. ‘Good. Jesus. You fucking scared me, man.’

  ‘As I said, this is what I did,’ Glenn said.

  This is what Glenn did what? My brain was all sluggish and I couldn’t get it to wake up properly to make sense of their conversation.

  ‘I’m glad he doesn’t seem to want to resort to it. Then again, I doubt it’s enough pills to do serious damage. I hoarded pills for months before I swallowed all of them, just to be sure I had enough.’

  ‘Thank fuck you didn’t have enough then,’ Andreas answered gruffly. His hand came to rest on my shoulder again.

  I groaned and managed to finally pry my eyes open. Andreas was sitting on the edge of the bed, next to me. Glenn was standing pretty close to the bed too, with my new medication clutched in one hand.

  ‘What are you doing?’

  ‘Nothing.’ Andreas rubbed his mouth as he gazed down at me. ‘Glenn got scared when I said I left you at home with new antidepressants.’

  ‘Why?’ It wasn’t like the antidepressants would have side-effects that were that bad.