by T. T. Kove
‘Because,’ Glenn said hotly, clutching my pills tighter. ‘That’s what I did. I swallowed pills. And I just—’ He rubbed a hand over his face now, agitated. ‘I was scared you’d do the same.’
I stared up at him with the one eye that wasn’t buried in my pillow. Then I turned my head slightly so I could look with both eyes. He did seem tense, jaw clenched and body rigid. Andreas glanced between us, worried.
‘I’m not going to swallow all my pills,’ I told them, hoping they believed me. That thought hadn’t even occurred to me. I knew Glenn had tried to kill himself that way, yeah, but I’d never considered that for myself. Not in two years, anyway. It’d been on my mind the day I met Andreas. ‘I just want to sleep.’
Both of them stared at me now.
‘I’m sorry I woke you.’ Andreas squeezed my shoulder in apology. ‘I just got really fucking scared.’
‘You really thought I would swallow pills? That I would try to kill myself?’
He let out a breath and bent forward, resting his elbows on his knees. ‘I don’t know, Alex. You did consider it once. And it’s thanks to me you didn’t go through with it. But I’m not conceited enough to think I can keep you from doing something like that now. Not when you’re this depressed. You weren’t this bad two years ago. I might’ve been enough to keep you from it then, but now? I’m fucking worried about you. You’re not well.’
I glanced up at Glenn, who was looking at me in worry too. Was I really so bad they were scared I’d kill myself by swallowing my pills?
‘I’m not going to do that,’ I whispered brokenly, pushing up so I could sit and wrap my arms around my knees. ‘I promise. I’m not.’ My gaze flickered between them, begging them to believe me. ‘I don’t want to swallow pills. I don’t want to get sick from it or have my stomach pumped. I don’t want that.’
Glenn looked away at my words. He had first-hand experience with it, after all, and it surely brought forth some traumatic memories for him.
‘Can you really promise you won’t do anything stupid, Alex?’ Andreas’s eyes were narrowed slightly. ‘I’m not talking about just pills. I’ve been worried about you for weeks. You’re getting worse, not better.’
He was right about that. I knew he was. What I didn’t know was how to change it.
‘I don’t know.’ My voice broke. Tears welled, stinging my eyes. ‘I just want to sleep.’
‘You can’t sleep all day, every day.’ Glenn put my pills back on the bedside table and came closer to tower over me. ‘Trust me, Alex, I know. I spent all fucking day cooped up in my room, mostly sleeping. It doesn’t help. If anything, it makes it worse.’
‘Then what am I supposed to do?’ I exclaimed, tears trickling down my cheeks. ‘I don’t know what to do.’ I looked between them, all but begging them to give me a solution.
‘You admit yourself to hospital,’ Andreas said, jaw clenching. ‘That’s where the professionals are. People that can help.’
‘But Christmas—’
‘Fuck Christmas!’ Glenn’s hands clenched and unclenched. Maybe he wanted to shake me and was resisting that urge. ‘What’s most important right now is your health and wellbeing. You need help. Not to be here for Christmas. It’s not going to be a happy Christmas for you anyway. You’ll still be miserable—and that’ll just make everyone else miserable too.’
‘Do the right thing, Alex.’ Andreas sounded calmer than Glenn, but there was emotion there too, in his voice, in his face. ‘Call your GP. Say you want to be admitted now. Today.’
‘Can’t you call?’ I begged. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t admit it was that bad.
Andreas stared at me—then he reached out and plucked my phone from the bedside table. He knew my PIN, so he easily opened the screen and scrolled through my contacts list. Not that he needed to scroll much, I didn’t exactly have many people on it.
He rose as he put the phone to his ear, squeezed my shoulder again, then he walked out the door to speak in private.
A shaky breath left me and the flood-works opened for real.
‘Hey...’ Glenn sat down on Andreas’s abandoned space and he wrapped his arms around my shoulders.
I tilted forward to rest my face against his shoulder. My tears soaked into his T-shirt and it couldn’t be comfortable for him at all, but he didn’t let go. If anything, his arms tightened.
‘I don’t want to be such a mess,’ I sobbed, clutching at his T-shirt, unable to stop crying.
Glenn stroked my back, trying to soothe me. It didn’t really work. I kept on sobbing, soaking him in tears. Probably snot as well. Bawling one’s eyes out didn’t ever leave a pretty sight.
‘I talked to the secretary,’ Andreas said as he came back into the room. ‘She’ll tell your GP what’s going on when she finishes with her current patient. She’ll likely make some calls, then she’ll ring us up again.’ He put my phone back on the bedside table. ‘She couldn’t say when exactly, but it’ll happen before she’s off for the day. You’ll get help, Alex.’ His hand now splayed over my back too.
Was it weird for him, watching me clutch so tightly at Glenn? He didn’t sound weirded out, so maybe he was okay with it. Usually, I only hung out with one of them at a time. If I were out with both, I never really touched either of them. None of us was into public displays of affection.
Once I’d cried myself dry, and thoroughly soaked Glenn’s T-shirt, I fell back on the bed. My eyes hurt, and they must be red and blotchy.
‘You want to go back to sleep?’ Andreas stroked some hair away from my forehead.
I nodded into my pillow, eyes closing. It felt better to keep them closed. They didn’t hurt as much then. ‘I’m just so tired.’
‘I know.’ Andreas sighed. ‘Go back to sleep. We’ll wake you when your GP calls, tell you what she says.’
I wanted to tell them thank you. Thank you for being so kind and so understanding. But the words didn’t want to leave me, they stuck in my throat, and I just sunk into a restless slumber.
Chapter 4
I woke to the sound of low voices. I blinked groggily, not ready to be awake yet. It didn’t feel like I’d been sleeping for long. My eyes still hurt from all the crying.
‘I don’t know what to do,’ Andreas said, voice pitched low. ‘What the hell do I do?’
‘There’s not much you can do.’ That was Glenn.
They were both still around? Why? Why were they still together in our bedroom? And from what I could gather, they were talking about me.
‘I hate not being able to do anything.’ I could picture Andreas dragging his hands through his hair. He did that when he was frustrated.
‘Yeah, I’m starting to realise how it felt for Mum when I was like that.’ Glenn sighed. ‘It’s not fun being responsible for someone with a mental illness. Now I get why she fussed so much.’
Andreas laughed softly. ‘That is an understatement. It’s not just “not fun”, it’s fucking horrible. I hate seeing him so upset. And I’m scared.’
‘Scared? Of what?’
‘Of what’s going to happen now. If he’s admitted to the psychiatric centre, he’s not going to get well by the time we have to go back to Oslo,’ Andreas said. It sounded like they were sitting a bit further away than the bed, so they were likely on the sofa. ‘What happens when we’re back in Oslo again? What if he has to stay here because his hospital stay takes longer? No matter how I imagine what’s going to happen, I’m scared.’
‘What exactly are you scared of?’
‘I’m fucking terrified I’ll come home one day and he’ll be dead.’ My heart seized at the raw emotion in Andreas’s voice. ‘You tried to kill yourself when you were depressed. He’s planned to kill himself before. What if I’m not enough this time? What if you aren’t?’
Glenn was silent for a moment. ‘He shouldn’t live just for you. Or us. That’s not living.’
‘What then?’ Andreas sounded frustrated again. He was likely running his hands through his hair some mo
re, messing it up. ‘I’ve tried helping him, doing some career questionnaires and stuff online. Nothing sparks anything in him.’
‘When you’re as far down as he is right now, nothing sparks joy,’ Glenn pointed out. He’d know. He’d been right there. Part of me wished he’d be like this now too so we could be miserable together—but the other part didn’t wish this on my greatest enemy. ‘Not even the thing you like the most.’
‘I just wish I understood more about this. I’ve never—I don’t really know shit.’
‘You grew up with Ben.’
‘Yeah, well, I never dealt with him much when he was like this. That was all Thomas and Kristina. I was just out playing football with the lads.’ He sighed again. ‘Shit. I’m a shitty cousin. I try to be a better boyfriend though.’
‘You’re doing great, man. You can’t really do much more. Let’s just hope his new meds work and that he gets admitted so professionals can help him.’
Andreas and Glenn were discussing me and my depression. They were worried about me and were trying to understand. Or Andreas was—Glenn understood all too well.
I should speak up, tell them I was awake, but I couldn’t muster the energy to so much as part my lips.
‘There’s nothing more any of us can do,’ Glenn said after a minute’s silence.
‘I hate it,’ Andreas professed heatedly. ‘I just want—’ A blaring phone broke him off.
It was my phone, skittering around on the bedside table. I couldn’t find the will to turn over and answer it.
‘Hello? Alex’s phone.’
I didn’t have to answer it. Andreas had done it for me. I should feel relieved, but... I felt nothing but miserable.
‘I’m Andreas. His boyfriend. He’s not... Alex isn’t in any shape to answer the phone.’ I distinctly heard a voice coming through the phone, but it wasn’t loud enough to catch any words. ‘Yeah, I talked to him about it, and we came to the conclusion that he should get admitted to the psychiatric centre for Christmas. They have to help him.’ Andreas wandered off, his voice getting harder to hear as he left the room. Probably so he wouldn’t disturb me. He didn’t know I was awake, after all.
I didn’t want to be awake. I wanted to go back to sleep and forget the world existed.
Chapter 5
I was walking around in a fog and nothing felt important. Nothing stuck. I couldn’t commit anything to memory. I couldn’t care about anything. The only thing that felt good was sleep, which I did a lot of. Considering I’d landed myself in the psychiatric centre right smack in the middle of Christmas and lots of holidays, not that many people were around.
I did get to see a doctor after I arrived, before he went home for the day. And there were always psychiatric nurses around. I wasn’t the only patient staying over Christmas, so someone had to work and take care of us.
But every day when there was nothing else I had to do, I slept. When the doctors came back to work after Boxing Day, I saw them, then I slept some more.
An entire week went by where I sluggishly went to see doctors and talk to nurses. I ate some food, took my medicine, went to the toilet. But showers were beyond me and I just... slept.
When I was sleeping, I didn’t feel like this. So foggy and detached and sluggish. When I was asleep I didn’t care about anything. I didn’t really care when I was awake either, but at least I didn’t have to think I should do so then.
The days were a blur. I thought I had visitors sometimes, but I couldn’t really recall if it was all in my head or not. Andreas and Glenn, both together and separately, must’ve been to see me. They texted me too, but checking my phone took too much energy for me. I thought maybe Leo and Thomas had been to see me too, but how long they’d stayed or what they’d said to me, I had no idea.
Everything was a fog that nothing could penetrate... until it did. It was like the colour had been gone from the world and then slowly returned. Not that the world was particularly colourful at the moment. It was winter outside, but there was no snow. It was just bleak and grey and windy and rainy.
But I suddenly saw it all differently anyway.
Sure, the weather sucked, but watching the trees outside my window sway in the wind, bare and dead for the winter, was kind of soothing. Hearing the wind howl outside made me happy I was inside where it was warm. Food had taste again. The fog lifted and I could think clearly and listen to my doctor, actually apprehending what he was saying.
The reason for my fog had been the medication I’d first started on, the pills my GP had prescribed. They hadn’t worked well with my brain at all and I’d walked round in a fog of nothingness all Christmas because the psychiatric nurses didn’t have the authority to take me off them and prescribe something else. When the doctors came back to work and observed me, they’d decided to switch my medication. And my brain fog disappeared, just like that.
I didn’t feel well. I was still miserable and hated my life, but at least I wasn’t indifferent anymore. At least I could process what was going on around me.
‘What date is it?’ I asked the doctor—I couldn’t remember his name.
‘Sixth of January,’ he said as he typed on his computer.
‘What?’ I nearly fell out of my chair. ‘Sixth of January?’ I’d been admitted here the Friday before Christmas... I’d lost over two weeks? ‘What day is it?’
‘Monday.’
My breath left me. It was like someone had hit me in the chest hard.
‘Hey.’ He wheeled his chair over to me. ‘Take a deep breath, Alex.’
I tried. I really did. But for two whole weeks!
‘School starts today,’ I got out in-between breaths.
‘Yes,’ he said calmly, ‘but you’re not going back to school. At least not right now. You’re on sick leave.’
‘But—’ My mind whirred. ‘I need to go back. I need my student loan. Rent—’
‘I spoke to your brother and your boyfriend on Friday,’ the doctor said then. ‘You don’t have to worry about anything. They’ve got it covered.’
What did that mean? Were Andreas, Sarah and Viktor also paying my share of the rent now? That meant a lot less money for other things for all of them, like food. Or was Leo paying my share? That just wasn’t right. None of that was right. Rent was my responsibility, so I should be the one to pay it.
‘Andreas is gone.’ It hit me then. ‘He didn’t say goodbye?’ What? He wouldn’t have left without telling me, would he? Maybe he’d had enough. Maybe this was the end.
‘The nurses tell me he was here yesterday.’ He put a hand on my shoulder, maybe trying to calm me down, maybe trying for soothing. I didn’t know. I didn’t care. ‘You weren’t very responsive.’
He’d been here yesterday? I couldn’t remember that.
I pressed my palm to my head, hating my mind right now.
‘I didn’t say goodbye to him.’ Tears stung my eyes.
‘We only switched your medication on Friday,’ he said then, matter-of-fact. ‘It takes time for your system to flush the old medication out and start reacting to the new one. I’m sure he doesn’t hold it against you. Today’s the first day I’ve gotten a string of sentences out of you. That’s good. You’re improving.’
Why couldn’t I have improved yesterday? Now Andreas was nine fucking hours away and I hadn’t even said goodbye. Everyone was back in Oslo now and I was all alone here.
‘Can I see my brother?’ Leo was the only one I had now. Leo and Thomas. And Ben was here too, I had to remember that. I wasn’t completely alone.
‘Of course you can.’ He wheeled back to his computer. ‘You’re not a prisoner here, Alex. You can leave during the day as long as you don’t have any other appointments with me or the rest of the staff. Your brother can come here, but you can also go home to see him and spend some time with him if you want. And you can come back here again to sleep.’
I blinked. ‘That’s okay?’
‘Yes.’ He smiled. ‘You’re not here by force. We can’t k
eep you. We’re here to help you, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do other things as well. In fact, I think you’ll do well getting out for a bit. You’ve been here for two weeks, after all. Most of them spent in bed.’
I’d actually felt up to taking a shower this morning, so I felt fresher than I had in a long time.
The minute I was back in my room, I dove for my phone. I saw I had a lot of unread messages but all I cared about right then was getting a hold of Andreas. But it rang and rang and then I only got his voicemail.
Disappointment flooded me and I sank onto the bed. I fought tears again, tried to calm my breathing, and then I took a closer look at my phone. The clock read 12:56, so Andreas was at school. Of course he wouldn’t answer his phone when he was in class. He always kept his phone on silent then. He wasn’t rejecting me or anything. He was just busy.
The message icon had a red circle above it with the number twenty-three in it. Twenty-three new messages. Some of them were old, from two weeks ago when I was first admitted to the psychiatric centre. All my friends had messaged me, as had Andreas’s family.
Tears stung for a different reason now. All these people cared about me. Worried about me. Even though I didn’t have parents (none that mattered anyway), I had a chosen family that loved me.
I focused on the messages from yesterday.
Sarah: Feel better, Alex! It sucks that I didn’t get to see you before we left, but your recovery is more important than friend-time. Don’t worry about anything, just focus on getting better. Love you<3
Viktor: Feel better, man. See you when you come home.
Nik: Everything will be better eventually, Alex! We’re all thinking about you. Take your time and come back stronger! <3
Andreas: Love u, babe. I’m sorry we didn’t get 2 say a proper goodbye. I didn’t want 2 leave u, but every1 kept saying I couldn’t fuck up school, so... I love u, okay? I so wish I could be there 4 u now, but u’ve got Glenn, so I hope that’s enough.
