Not as Expected

by T. T. Kove

  ‘Yeah, we’re fine.’

  ‘He considered staying behind.’ Thomas sat down opposite us now, folding his hands on the table. ‘We told him he shouldn’t. That we’re here for you for as long as you need us. So he eventually left, but he didn’t want to.’

  ‘I know. Glenn told me.’

  Leo’s eyebrows rose in surprise. ‘They speak?’

  ‘Yeah, they’re friends.’ Sometimes maybe they spoke too much. Or were too casual about all this. Like Andreas handing over my condoms to Glenn. That was slightly mortifying.

  Or maybe I was the one making a big deal out of it where really there was no deal at all to be had? That was also a likely possibility.

  Leo nodded.

  ‘What?’ I could tell he had something to say.

  ‘No, it’s just... if you’re with Glenn now, and with Andreas, I didn’t think the two of them would be mates still.’

  ‘They’re not as close as they used to be, but that’s because I’ve got more in common with Glenn. I guess he’s my best friend now. And lover. Well, more than a lover, really.’ I shovelled more food in my mouth. I hadn’t eaten since breakfast, and that had only been one measly slice of bread. ‘But he’s still friends with Andreas. We’re friends with Nik. I know it’s strange to outsiders. Sarah didn’t really get it either. But it works for us.’ I slid some more broccoli to the side.

  ‘How long have you and Glenn been a thing?’ Leo asked then, after sharing a look with Thomas I understood nothing of.

  ‘Only since November. But Andreas says he’s seen it coming since our trip to Ayia Napa.’ Glenn and I had grown closer there. He’d admitted to liking me. We’d spent a lot of time together when Andreas and Peter had been out drinking and partying. That trip had ruined Peter’s relationship with Sarah, but it’d been good for my then practically non-existent relationship with Glenn. It’d led us to where we were right now. I couldn’t regret that. And Sarah was happy with Viktor now, so it all worked out well in the end. ‘You think it’s weird, right?’

  ‘It’s certainly not what most people consider normal when it comes to relationships.’ Leo leant back in his chair, shoulders lifting in a shrug. ‘But I’m not judging you. You do you, and all that shit. As long as you’re happy, Alex, that’s what matters.’

  Even if Leo thought it was strange, I didn’t think he’d ever tell me. He felt guilty for moving away from town while I was left with my parents. I’d never held a grudge against him for that, and I’d told him as much, but sometimes I thought he’d never get over it. That he said and did anything to make me happy. Or it could all be in my head. It most likely was all in my head. My head couldn’t be trusted.

  ‘Can I stay here when I get out of the psychiatric centre? Before I go back to Oslo?’

  ‘Of course you can, Alex.’ Thomas leant forward a bit. ‘You don’t even have to ask. This is your home. You can stay for however long you want.’

  He’d told me this before, but I always doubted it. I’d never really been welcome at my parents’ house after all, so maybe I was just waiting for the time when I wasn’t welcome here either. Now with Leo as Thomas’s boyfriend, that probably wouldn’t happen. But what if they broke up? I was Leo’s brother, not at all related to Thomas. Would I still be welcome then?

  Not that I wanted to think about the two of them breaking up. But breakups were a part of life. It could happen to the best of us. Even the two of them. No matter how good two people seemed to be together, no one knew what actually went on with them in private.

  I don’t want to think about this. It just makes me feel even worse.

  ‘I don’t know how long I’m supposed to stay there.’ I hadn’t asked, and no one had volunteered the information.

  ‘You’re staying for as long as you need to,’ Thomas said with finality. He probably knew how it worked, being a doctor and all. Maybe he’d even admitted people there himself. ‘They’re not going to kick you out if you’re not ready for it.’

  ‘I’ve already been there for two weeks.’ Surely they needed my bed for someone else soon enough.

  ‘And you spent those two weeks in bed, more or less. Now all the holidays are over, there're finally enough people with the right education there to help you properly.’

  I was always so scared I couldn’t be helped. What if my brain was just wired to be depressed for the rest of my life? What if no medication worked? They’d worked great for Glenn, but what if I couldn’t ever find one that worked as well on me? The previous one I’d been on had turned me into a living zombie, after all.

  ‘Have some faith, Alex.’ Thomas patted my forearm. ‘They’ll figure it out. That’s what they’re there for.’

  I nodded jerkily, bending my head over my phone. I certainly hoped he was right. Because if they couldn’t figure it out... if I had to live like this for the rest of my life... I wasn’t sure I could handle that.

  Chapter 11

  Ben lived with his boyfriend Tarjei. Or that was what I thought until I arrived to them fighting about it.

  ‘I don’t understand why you can’t just change your address to here.’ Tarjei threw a newspaper away angrily. ‘You still get your mail at your uncle’s house.’

  ‘This is your flat,’ Ben said with an expression that told me he wasn’t budging.

  ‘It’s yours too. We both live here. You spend every fucking night here.’ Tarjei stayed in the kitchen, leaning against the kitchen island and staring at Ben.

  I stood off to the side, unsure whether I should just leave. They’d been arguing when Ben opened the door, and they clearly weren’t about to stop arguing just because I was here now.

  I didn’t like conflict. It made me anxious.

  ‘This isn’t my flat. It’s your name on the loan. I haven’t paid for shit here.’ Ben crossed his arms and glared at Tarjei. ‘I’m not changing my address. Why do you even fucking care about where I get my mail? It’s not like I get a lot of it.’

  ‘But you should get it here, where you live. You shouldn’t have to go back to your uncle’s to collect your mail.’ Tarjei gripped the counter tight, features dark.

  I pursed my lips, looking anywhere but at them, trying not to listen. I failed miserably, obviously. How could I not hear them when we were all in the same room?

  ‘Why should I?’ Ben snapped. ’It’ll just be more work when I move out.’

  ‘When you move out? Are you planning on going somewhere?’ Tarjei was clearly torn between outraged and hurt right now, even I could tell that, and I didn’t really know him.

  ‘If we break up,’ Ben threw out there. ‘Which, you know, seems likelier and likelier.’ Ben was snippy. Something was clearly gnawing at him. I couldn’t tell what though.

  ‘How the hell do you figure that?’

  ‘We are arguing right fucking now! We always find shit to argue about!’

  Was it a regular thing for them, arguing like this? I couldn’t even imagine what that would be like. I wouldn’t have been able to take it if Andreas and I constantly argued. I wasn’t good with arguments in general. I kind of wanted to run from the flat right now. Instead, I made myself as small and invisible as possible.

  ‘And we always make up afterwards,’ Tarjei pointed out, not entirely friendly. ‘What the hell’s your deal with changing your address?’

  ‘Your flat,’ Ben snapped. ‘Not mine.’

  ’So what?’ Tarjei threw his arms wide. ‘Do you want to get one together?’

  Ben scoffed at that and turned around. ‘Come on, Alex, we’re leaving.’

  Wait, what?

  I glanced at Tarjei, who glared after Ben with narrowed eyes. Ben was already in the hall, putting on shoes and a thick winter jacket. I quickly did the same and Ben led the way outside into the cold, windy weather.

  Ben fumed silently next to me as we walked down the street. I saw the library up ahead, but that wasn’t a place Ben would want to go.

  I had a small inkling of what was bothering him now.


  ‘You want to get a flat with Tarjei, don’t you?’ He’d stood his ground, arguing, until Tarjei mentioned that. ‘Or is it that you don’t want that?’ He was hard to read, but I was pretty sure my first assumption was right.

  Ben sighed. ‘I do. I don’t want to live in that flat forever. It’s his. He’s the only one paying for shit in that flat. It’s like I’m a freeloader. Sure, I pay food and whatnot, but everything else, like the loan, electricity, internet, insurance, that’s all him.’

  ‘Why can’t you pay your share too?’ I suggested.

  ‘Because it’s only his name on that flat. I’m not paying for shit unless it’s mine too. What if he leaves me? I would’ve helped him pay his loans and been left with nothing.’

  ‘If he leaves you? Ben, I think the general consensus is that if anyone’s leaving, it’s you.’

  ‘What?’ He turned his head to stare at me.

  ‘Tarjei has waited years to be with you,’ I reminded him. ‘Why would he leave now?’

  ‘Because he’s figured out what he’s always wanted isn’t that great.’ He said this like it was inevitable. ‘We argue all the time. He thinks I’m a fucking dick for not committing properly.’

  ‘But you want to, don’t you? You want to get a flat with him.’

  Ben rolled his eyes. ‘He’s not even seriously considering that.’

  ‘He just asked you in there.’ I threw my arm out towards the flat.

  ‘During an argument,’ he pointed out like I should get this.

  ‘He still mentioned it. He wouldn’t have if he—’

  ‘Tarjei likes that flat. He’s content with his living arrangements and his job and his life.’

  ‘He’s not content, clearly.’ They wouldn’t have been arguing if he was content.

  ‘He’s just stuck on the stupid mail.’ Ben rolled his eyes again. ‘Like it fucking matters where I get my mail.’

  ‘Well, generally, you get your mail where you live. And you’re not living with Leo and Thomas anymore, are you?’ He hadn’t been living there in over half a year, as far as I knew.

  ‘Doesn’t mean he can just come and demand I change my address.’

  ‘He didn’t exactly demand it,’ I pointed out quietly.

  ‘I can just as easily move back home.’

  ‘So you consider Thomas’s house home still?’ If he called that home, what did he call Tarjei’s flat? Did he actually call it Tarjei’s flat? I could totally understand where Tarjei was coming from about the change of address if Ben didn’t even consider the flat he was living at home.

  ‘I grew up there. It’ll always be home.’ He cast me a look I couldn’t read. ‘You consider it home too.’

  ‘Well... yeah.’ He had me there. I didn’t consider the flat in Oslo home. I liked it much better here. Considering what I’d gone through in this town, that was weird. I should’ve liked getting away, starting over, but I didn’t. ‘Where are we going?’ We’d passed the library ages ago. We’d passed the supermarket, Burger King, and were now headed up towards the park.

  ‘Fuck if I know. I’m just walking.’ Ben hitched his shoulders up. ‘It’s so fucking cold.’

  ‘We can go back?’ I watched his face and caught the grimace.

  ‘I don’t want to start arguing again.’

  ‘Maybe you could sit down like the grown-arsed adults you are and just tell him what you want?’ That was a good suggestion, I thought. ‘No arguments required.’

  He blew out a breath but didn’t say anything.

  ‘I thought the two of you were doing great?’ I hadn’t heard anything different. ‘Ever since Spain last summer?’

  ‘We are great. It’s just... we argue sometimes. And now he thinks I’ve got one foot out the door just because I haven’t changed my address.’

  ‘But don’t you?’ That’s what it had sounded like to me. ‘You just told him you didn’t want to change your address because it would be more work when you break up.’ I was paraphrasing, but that was basically what he’d said.

  He grimaced again. ‘I didn’t say it like that. Did I? That’s not what I meant. Or...’

  ‘That’s what it sounded like to me, so it must’ve sounded like it to him too, right?’

  ‘Shit.’ He dragged his hands through his hair. How he could walk outside without a hat was beyond me. The wind seemed to be ripping through to my ears even through my thick hat. ‘I know I’m difficult. I know I don’t think before I speak, sometimes. I don’t know why he puts up with me, frankly.’

  ‘Because he loves you, Ben.’ Why did I have to remind him of that? ‘You told him you loved him too last year. And everything was great after your holiday. They was your words. What’s changed?’

  ‘Nothing.’ He shrugged. ‘We are still good. It’s just the whole business with my address. I don’t think it’s such a big deal. Who cares if my mail is delivered to Thomas’s house?’

  ‘But mail isn’t normally delivered to a house you don’t live in.’ My mail was delivered to the flat in Oslo. Which was kind of a problem now I was back home, come to think of it. Andreas hadn’t mentioned anything about any mail for me. ‘Tarjei just wants to be with you. He wants to know you want to live with him too. What’s the big deal with changing your address? You fill out a form online and that’s that.’

  He stared at me. ‘It’s that easy?’

  ‘You’ve never changed your address?’ I stared back, surprised.

  ‘I’ve never had any reason to, have I? I’ve lived with Thomas all my life.’ He wrapped his arms around himself again. ‘Fuck it, we’re going back. I’m not going to freeze my balls off just because I’m pissed off at him.’

  ‘You don’t have any reason to be pissed off at him.’ I sympathised more with Tarjei right now, to be honest. Ben could be such a stubborn, immature brat sometimes. He couldn’t be easy to live with, but Tarjei was so in love with him he’d stuck it out just being Ben’s booty-call for years. ‘You’ve got a guy who loves you, Ben. You should be on cloud nine instead of starting stupid arguments about something as small and insignificant as a change of address. He’s not leaving you, no matter how difficult you are.’

  ‘How’re you doing?’ he asked instead of saying anything to my little tirade. ‘How’s being in the psych centre?’

  ‘I’m... better.’ That was true. I was better than I’d been for the last two weeks of the year. Although, after one day having amazing sex with Glenn and then visiting Leo and Thomas, I’d spent most of yesterday in bed. ‘It’s fine in there. I get professional help now. What I should’ve gotten ages ago, I guess. And there are always people there who can help if there’s anything.’

  ‘That’s good.’

  We walked for a little while in silence.

  I was trying to work up the courage to tell him what was going on with me.

  ‘Um, Ben?’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘I’ve got something to tell you.’ How would he react? Nik was his best friend. Did he know Nik was all in for polyamory in general?

  ‘Ooookay?’ He watched me curiously now. ‘Is it bad? You look nervous.’

  I licked my lips. I was bloody nervous. Who wouldn’t be?

  ‘Trouble with Andreas?’ he guessed. ‘Long-distance relationship not working anymore?’

  ‘Andreas and I are fine. It’s just that—’ I fiddled with the zipper on one of the pockets on my jacket.

  ‘Spit it out, Alex,’ Ben said. ‘It’s like ripping off a plaster. It’s always better to do it fast than peel it off bit by bit.’

  He was right about that.

  ‘I have two boyfriends.’ I held my breath as I waited for his reaction.

  ‘What?’ He stopped walking and turned his body to face mine. ‘Two? Andreas and...? Who’s the other?’

  ‘Glenn.’

  He frowned. ‘What about Nik?’

  ‘He’s still Glenn’s boyfriend.’

  ‘But...’ His mind was whirring. ‘Do they know?’

  I nodded.
‘It’s all open and consensual and we’re all friends.’

  ‘So, you’re what, friends with benefits?’

  ‘No.’ I shook my head, not quite able to look him in the eye. ‘We are together. But I’m also with Andreas and he’s also with Nik. I just... I wanted to tell you so there are no misunderstandings in the future. Sarah found out the worst possible way and thought we were cheating, but we’re not. Everyone’s fine with it. Andreas and Nik don’t care. Or, like, Andreas doesn’t want any details, and Nik wants all the details, but still...’

  ‘That sounds like Nik.’ He started walking again. We were close to Burger King and the supermarket now. ‘He’s always been vocal about there being love enough for everyone or some shit like that. I never really listened when he started in on it, I was just pissed he didn’t seem to have enough love for me.’ That last part came out bitterly, but I knew he was over Nik. He’d settled down with Tarjei and he was happy. But it must still hurt. He’d spent a great many years in love with Nik, after all.

  ‘So, all’s good. I just wanted you to know. I wanted to tell you, so you heard it from me and not from anyone else. Or in case you saw it for yourself and thought the worst too.’ I couldn’t forget the look on Sarah’s face when she saw Glenn and I come out of the bathroom.

  ‘Okay.’ Ben blew out a breath. ‘Wow. That’s... I never expected that.’

  ‘You think it’s weird?’ We were past the library now, which meant we were soon back at the flat.

  ‘Well, yeah, of course it’s weird. I mean, you and Glenn? I thought he fancied Andreas.’

  ‘He did,’ I admitted in a low voice. ‘Before we got to know each other and then things changed.’

  ‘How long has this been going on then?’

  ‘Only since November.’ It wasn’t like we’d been together for long. ‘It was supposed to be just... well, about sex at first. But it’s not. I love him.’

  ‘You love Glenn?’

  ‘Yeah. He’s changed a lot since we were all at school.’

  ‘So Nik keeps telling me.’ He opened the door to the building for me and we trudged upstairs to the flat he shared with Tarjei. ‘It’s super fucking weird. I’m not going to lie. But what can I say? It’s your life. Just don’t fuck anything up, Alex. Remember how much you love Andreas too.’