A Gift of Grace

by Amy Clipston

A pang of guilt rang through Rebecca. If she were a good guardian and surrogate mother, she would’ve helped Jessica through this difficult day. But her duties as wife and hostess had kept her chained to her company. She should have snuck away and at least brought Jessica a meal. Grace would’ve been disappointed in Rebecca’s neglect today.

  Rebecca moved closer to the bed. Jessica looked angelic with her dark hair framing her face and her lips curving in a sweet smile. She touched her arm, and Jessica sighed in her sleep and rolled to her side.

  Tiptoeing toward the door, Rebecca hoped she could talk to her alone tomorrow night and make her see that everything would be all right.

  She gingerly shut the door and crossed the small hallway to Lindsay’s room. She gave the door a light rap and then opened it, finding Lindsay sitting cross-legged on the bed while writing on a small lap desk.

  Her niece looked up and smiled. “Hi.”

  “Hi.” Rebecca leaned back on the door frame. “What are you doing?”

  “Writing a letter to my friend Cindy.” Lindsay pushed a lock of hair behind her ear and nodded toward the door. “Is she okay?”

  “She’s asleep.” Rebecca sighed. “I wanted to break away earlier to talk to her, but I kept getting caught by Sadie. It was as if she knew I wanted to talk to Jessica.”

  Her niece nodded. “I’m sure she’ll be okay.”

  “I’ll talk to her in the morning. I just hope she isn’t upset all day tomorrow.” Rebecca stood up and smoothed her apron. “Thank you for coming to service with us today. I enjoyed having you with me.”

  “Ya.” Lindsay giggled. “I enjoyed it too.”

  “You know you don’t need to feel obligated to come to service and be a part of the community, yes?”

  “Yes.” The girl nodded her head. “I know that. But it feels right.”

  Rebecca smiled. “You look beautiful in your Plain dress. I think your mamm would be proud.”

  Lindsay’s porcelain cheeks glowed a light pink. “I have a feeling you’re right.”

  “Well, good night.” Rebecca stepped into the doorway. “I’ll see you bright and early.”

  “Good night, Aunt Rebecca.” She smiled as Rebecca closed the door.

  Rebecca sighed while a myriad of emotions rioted within her. The day had been a mix of disappointment, frustration, and also happiness. She was happy to see Lindsay fitting in and excited about her new life. However, she was also disappointed in Daniel and frustrated with Jessica. She wondered how she was ever going to find a balance.

  Stepping into her bedroom, Rebecca spotted her husband sitting on the side of the bed with his arms folded across his wide chest while waiting for her. Still fully clothed, his handsome face wore a stony scowl, sending a chill slithering up her spine. He rarely lost his temper, but when he did, it was like a storm rolling in during the heat of summer.

  Rebecca pulled the door closed and stood in front of it, bracing herself for his tirade. She took a deep breath and willed herself to remain calm.

  “I think it’s time for you to make a choice, Rebecca.” His voice was barely a whisper.

  “What do you mean?” she asked, her body trembling in anticipation of his wrath.

  “Are you going to be my wife or are you going to be the girls’ mother?” He stood. “It’s obvious to me that you can’t be both.”

  “I disagree,” she said. “I’m capable of being both. There’s no need for me to choose.”

  “Ack, but there is.” He stood facing her, his eyes flickering with fury in the light of the kerosene lamps. He gestured toward the hallway. “That girl’s behavior can’t be tolerated, and you can’t handle her.”

  “Jessica needs our love and understanding. She’s just lost her parents.” She kept her voice calm and even, despite the frustration coursing through her veins.

  He shook his head. “She needs discipline, and she needs to learn respect. She simply cannot run around half naked in my home, Rebecca!” His voice rose. “She’s bringing disgrace on this household, and I will not allow it!”

  “Daniel.” She reached for him, but he stepped away from her, causing her to flinch with hurt. “Just give her time. She’ll find her way. Lindsay is finding her way, so I know Jessica will get there.”

  “Jessica is just like Grace.” He gritted his teeth as if her sister’s name disgusted him. “She even looks like her. She’ll never accept our ways here.”

  Rebecca gasped at the scorn in his eyes. She swallowed the disillusionment rising in her soul. “I loved my sister, and I love the girls. They are all I have left of Grace. If you’re still the man I fell in love with eighteen years ago, I think you can find it in your heart to give them the love and patience they need and deserve.”

  He studied her for a moment, but the anger never left his eyes. “It’s my duty to make sure that all of us in this household live within the bounds of our Plain life. The girls must obey. They have no choice.”

  Her body shook with anger and hurt. Never before had Rebecca and Daniel been at such odds. This impasse was new, terrifying territory.

  “They belong here,” she whispered, her voice quaking with the emotion battling within her. “It’s God’s will.”

  “Don’t speak to me about God’s will.” He wagged a finger at her. “They belong with their kind. They belong with the English. They should be with Trisha.”

  She took a deep breath and mustered up her strength. “Nee.”

  Stunned, he raised his eyebrows. “You’re disagreeing with me?”

  “I’m their guardian,” she whispered, hugging her arms to her chest. “They belong with me.”

  He stared at her for what seemed like hours. She held her breath, wondering what he would do next. She’d never seen him so furious. She wondered if he would strike her as other men struck their wives when they didn’t obey. Daniel had never been a violent man, and he had never raised a hand to her during their fifteen years of marriage. Yet the rage flickering in his eyes was unexpected, and it alarmed her.

  However, he never raised his hand to her. Instead, he remained silent. After several minutes, he marched past her and left the room, quietly closing the door behind him.

  Rebecca remained standing in the same spot, her feet stuck as if in cement, for several more minutes, awaiting his return.

  When he didn’t return, she changed into her nightclothes and climbed into bed. She contemplated their stressful and upsetting conversation over and over again while staring at the ceiling.

  His side of the bed was still empty when she fell asleep. For the first time since before their wedding night, she slept alone.

  [Return to Table of Contents]

  If you don’t talk to me, I’m going to fire you,” a voice behind Rebecca said.

  Rebecca turned to find her mother-in-law wagging a finger at her.

  “I mean it,” Elizabeth chided. “I don’t pay employees who are quiet all morning and ignore me when I speak to them.”

  “I’m sorry.” Rebecca sighed and placed a tray on the counter beside the bowl of filling she had prepared to spread inside the batch of Whoopie Pies. “I’m just tired this morning. I didn’t sleep well last night.”

  “Tired?” Her mother-in-law raised a suspicious eyebrow. “I’d say it’s more than just being tired.”

  Rebecca glanced around the kitchen, finding Beth Anne and Sarah engrossed in baking breads and cookies.

  “We can step outside,” Elizabeth whispered, as if reading her thoughts. “Kathryn is covering the front, and it’s quiet right now. The lunch rush is over for the moment, and Lindsay is out back with the children.” She took Rebecca’s arm and led her toward the back door. “We’ll be right back,” she called over her shoulder.

  They stepped into the gravel lot behind the bakery, and Rebecca glanced to her right, spotting Lindsay playing on the swing set with her nieces and nephews.

  While watching the children, Rebecca silently debated how much to tell her mother-in-law. After all, Daniel was her
son, and she wouldn’t take kindly to criticism of him.

  On the other hand, Rebecca had no one else in whom to confide. She needed a friend, and Elizabeth had been all that and more ever since she’d joined the Kauffman family.

  Rebecca sighed, wishing she could turn back time and make things right with Jessica. If she’d only reached out to the girls when they were younger, maybe then Jessica would trust her more.

  “Please tell me what’s on your mind before it eats you alive,” Elizabeth said, placing a hand on Rebecca’s shoulder. “You’re clearly troubled. You need to lift your burdens to God. He’ll guide you and ease the trouble in your heart.”

  “That’s just it,” Rebecca whispered, her voice trembling and tears filling her eyes. “I’ve been praying and listening, but I still don’t know what to do.”

  “Is it Jessica?” Her mother-in-law’s eyes were soft with understanding.

  “Ya.” Rebecca swiped her tears with the back of her hands. “She upset Daniel yesterday, and he’s not taking it well at all.”

  Elizabeth shook her head. “He’s a stubborn one for sure.”

  “You have no idea.” Rebecca cleared her throat in hopes of stopping more tears. “He didn’t sleep in our bed last night.”

  Elizabeth gasped, covering her mouth with her hand.

  “He said I need to choose between being his wife and being their guardian.” Rebecca kicked a stone with the toe of her shoe. “I told him I can be both, but he said I can’t. I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid I will lose both my husband and my nieces if I can’t figure this out.” Rebecca’s voice shook as she succumbed to more tears.

  “No, you won’t.” Elizabeth pulled her into a warm hug. “You’ll never lose Daniel, and those girls love you. You must trust God. He will give you strength, and in the end, you and Daniel will come out stronger than before. You two love each other, and you’ve made it through some difficult times. This is just another test of your faith, and you both shall pass it. I know it. I can feel it in my heart.”

  Rebecca sniffed and rested her cheek on her mother-in-law’s shoulder. She prayed Elizabeth was right.

  Her mother-in-law patted her back as she stepped out of the hug. “You’re a strong woman, Rebecca. I know you can make it through this. Just keep giving Jessica the best guidance you can and listen to your husband. Daniel really does want the best for you and his household. He is not trying to cause you pain. It will work out.”

  “Danki.” Rebecca patted her arm. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”

  “Ack.” Elizabeth smiled. “You’d figure it out. You’re a smart girl. You married my Daniel, didn’t you?”

  Rebecca laughed and wiped her eyes. “That I did.”

  Sarah appeared in the doorway. “Mamm. Would you come see this apple bread? I’m not sure it’s right, and Kathryn keeps saying it is. We really need your expert eye.”

  “Ya.” Elizabeth gave Rebecca another smile. “You’ll be fine. You’ll see.”

  Rebecca squeezed the older woman’s hand as she stepped past her. “I’ll be there in a minute.”

  “Take your time,” Elizabeth said.

  Rebecca watched Lindsay dance with her smaller nieces while pondering Elizabeth’s words. They made sense, but she couldn’t shake the feeling of despair that had seeped into her soul last night when Daniel didn’t come to bed.

  She kept wondering if their marriage was falling apart. Divorce wasn’t permitted, but that didn’t mean that decaying marriages remained amicable. She’d heard of plenty of couples who lived in silence, simply moving through the daily motions without any love or intimacy.

  She didn’t want that for her and Daniel. They married for love, and she didn’t want to lose her best friend. She needed to find a way to keep her marriage alive as well as care for her nieces.

  “Aunt Rebecca?” a voice asked.

  Rebecca spun to see Lindsay leaning on the fence that separated the parking lot from the playground. She twisted the ties on her prayer Kapp and gave a tentative smile. “Are you okay?” she asked.

  Rebecca studied her niece. Lindsay looked as if she belonged in that prayer Kapp and dress. She resembled a redheaded Grace. Rebecca’s eyes welled with tears. Oh, how she missed her older sister. Why did Grace have to leave? Why didn’t Rebecca take the time to get to know her sister and what kind of mother she was when she had the chance?

  Guilt rushed over her at a sudden revelation—Rebecca had been just as wrong as her father and the rest of the community to shun Grace. Why hadn’t she accepted Grace’s decision to leave and join the English? Why had she punished her sister instead of supporting her?

  Pushing the thoughts aside, Rebecca stepped over to the fence.

  “Aunt Rebecca?” Lindsay’s eyes were full of concern. “You look really upset.”

  “I’m fine. Danki.” Rebecca wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.

  “Is there anything I can do?” Her niece bit her bottom lip.

  “Nee.” Rebecca touched her hands.

  “It’s about Jessica and me, right?” Lindsay frowned. “We’ve messed up your life.”

  “Nee, nee. It’s not that.” She pushed a stray wisp of hair back from Lindsay’s face. “This has nothing to do with you.”

  “But it’s Jessica. She’s caused a lot of problems, and Uncle Daniel is still upset, right?” Lindsay’s frown transformed into a knowing expression. “I can see what’s going on around me.”

  Rebecca sighed. “It’s complicated.” She placed her hands on Lindsay’s shoulders. “But rest assured you’ve done nothing wrong.”

  “We should probably go live with Aunt Trisha. We’ve really botched things up here.”

  Rebecca shook her head and closed her eyes. She dug deep in her soul for the words to express how wrong her niece was.

  “Lindsay,” she said, opening her eyes and squeezing her niece’s shoulders. “Please listen to me. You and Jessica do belong here. Your mother wanted you here, and I vow to keep that wish alive. You need to understand that this is a huge adjustment for Daniel and me. But that doesn’t mean we don’t want you.”

  Lindsay nodded, her eyes glistening with bewilderment.

  Rebecca paused and took a deep breath. “I mean it when I say that I love you and your sister. I want to be the best guardian I can be, but you have to be patient with me. And that means Daniel and everyone else need to be patient with you and Jessica too.”

  Her voice trembled as she continued. “Unfortunately, Uncle Daniel has exhausted all of his patience, so now we need to encourage Jessica to try a little harder. You and I are caught in the middle, and there isn’t much more that we can do.”

  “So, we need to get Jessica to change?”

  Rebecca nodded. “Maybe we can ask her to remember she’s responsible for her own actions and her decisions.”

  Lindsay scowled. “I don’t know if it will work, but we can try.”

  “Thank you.” Rebecca pulled her into a hug.

  “I love you, Aunt Rebecca,” Lindsay whispered while holding onto her.

  “Thank you,” Rebecca said softly as tears spilled down her hot cheeks.

  Jessica sighed and stared down at the ledger on the desk. Leaning back, the chair squeaked. She glanced at her watch and found it was nearly six. Daniel had left earlier saying he had to make a supply run for lumber, but she couldn’t help but wonder if he’d left early to avoid talking to her.

  His silence made the ride to the shop seem longer than usual this morning. However, she’d expected as much after the disaster yesterday. She still couldn’t figure out how they had arrived home so early after the Sunday service.

  It seemed no matter what Jessica did lately she wound up in trouble. There were so many rules, and it was as if they were hoping she’d mess up so they could banish her to her room. She was an embarrassment to the Kauffman family.

  So then why did they insist she stay?

  She just wanted to go home—home to Virginia Beach.
The disappointment in Rebecca’s eyes had haunted her dreams all night and her thoughts all day. Misery and grief surged through her constantly. She didn’t belong here. She wanted to go back to her friends and Trisha. She wasn’t cut out for the Plain life. She could see why her mother had left—the life here was too repressive and too depressing.

  Groaning to herself, Jessica slumped over, allowing her forehead to smack the ledger on the desk. Daniel had said that his father, Eli, would take her home, since he’d decided to bring his buggy today, but Eli was busy trying to finish a project. Turning toward the desk, she lifted her cellular phone and examined the display.

  No calls.

  It had been a few days since she’d heard from anyone back home. She wondered if they’d forgotten about her.

  “What are you still doing here?” a voice behind her asked.

  Jessica sat up and turned toward Jake leaning against the door frame with his arms folded across his broad chest.

  “Hi.” She straightened her blouse and finger-combed her hair while her cheeks burned with embarrassment. “I didn’t know anyone was here besides me and Mr. Kauffman.”

  “I was trying to finish up a few things before tomorrow. The orders have really picked up.” He stepped toward her. “So, you didn’t answer my question. Why are you here? Daniel left hours ago.”

  “He had to run some errands, so I’m supposed to ride back with Eli.” She tried to force a smile but it came out more a grimace. “How are you? I didn’t get to see you all day.”

  “Busy.” He stood next to her and leaned against the desk. “You?”

  She shrugged.

  His eyes studied her. “What’s wrong?”

  Jessica gave him a sarcastic smirk. “How much time do you have?”

  His expression remained serious. “All the time in the world, my friend.”

  His eyes were sincere. He really cared about her. She bit her lip while a lump swelled in her throat.

  “Jess?” He touched her hand. “You know you can talk to me, right?”

  She nodded, unable to speak due to the lump choking her throat.

  “Hey, whatever it is, it’ll be okay. I promise.”