Blind Ambitions

by Lolita Files

  “I figured as much. I assumed his heart was in the right place.”

  The Fatburger, empty when they first arrived, had now become noisy and crowded. A group of five teenage Mexican boys was sitting at the table behind Desi and Sharon, laughing loudly and flirting with three teenage girls waiting for their order. A young black woman walked in, followed by her four boisterous children.

  A baby’s mama. Sharon felt a sudden chill pass through her body. Desi noticed it.

  “Let’s go next door and get some chai tea,” she suggested.

  “Great,” Sharon said, “but I can’t stay long. I have something really important I need to take care of.”

  Magic Johnson’s Starbucks was a popular watering hole within the African-American community. It was a warm, inviting place filled with positive vibes and interesting people, a number of whom were regulars.

  Popular authors often parked at tables for hours with their laptops. Celebrated litigators, agents, and producers power-sipped double lattes and brokered deals. Hip-hop heads munched on chocolate hazelnut biscotti and talked shit over a game of chess. Desi and Sharon loved meeting there because they could sit back in the comfortable chairs, enjoy the pleasing atmosphere, and just linger, talking about nothing and everything. There was never any rush once you passed through the doors. Something about the place made people want to slow down and relax.

  Sharon was at the counter, checking out the desserts.

  “What’s that?” she asked the young girl behind the register.

  “Lemon pound cake.”

  “Is it good?”

  The girl gave a furtive glance to her left, then wrinkled her nose.

  “It’s alright,” she whispered. “I don’t really like it that much.”

  “Then it’s not alright,” Sharon said in a sarcastic tone.

  “No, I guess it’s not,” the girl replied, somewhat offended.

  Sharon snickered, shaking her head.

  Why is it so hard for people to say what they really mean?

  “Alright,” she said, “let me get one venti chai tea with vanilla, two vanilla almond biscotti, and one chai iced tea with double vanilla.”

  “Venti?”

  “Yeah. I just said that.”

  “For one of them. You didn’t say what size for the other.”

  “Oh. Well, I thought I did.”

  “But you didn’t,” the girl mumbled under her breath as she walked away from the register to get the biscotti.

  I know she’s not giving me attitude, Sharon thought.

  The girl returned, flashed a pleasant smile, took the twenty Sharon offered, and gave her the change and the biscotti.

  The moment Sharon stepped aside to wait for the rest of the order, the girl rolled her eyes.

  “You must have really rubbed her the wrong way,” a voice whispered over Sharon’s shoulder.

  She turned around. It was her friend Shaun Robinson, one of the hosts of Access Hollywood.

  “Hey, you!” Sharon exclaimed, giving Shaun a big hug. “It’s been a minute since I’ve seen you last. What’s been going on?”

  “Girl… ,” Shaun began, breaking into that voice that immediately put those who heard it at ease, “I’ve been flying around so much, I’m about to sprout wings! I did the MTV Video Music Awards, the Emmys. I just got back from a spa vacation in Palm Springs.”

  Shaun was a sophisticated beauty who was slender, fit, and full of vivacity. Café au lait with dark shoulderlength hair with burnished highlights, she had a warm and winning personality that made it easy for celebrities to relax around her, both on and off the camera.

  Sharon enjoyed hanging out with her. Shaun was quite witty, with a knack for good conversation. They used to do lunch or dinner at least once a month, but that dwindled after Sharon began dating Glen. She had seen very little of Shaun of late, other than on TV, although they still talked on the phone every few weeks.

  “You look great,” Sharon said, reaching for the two orders of tea.

  “Girl, I feel great. There’s nothing like being pampered for days on end to rejuvenate your perspective.”

  “Maybe that’s what I need,” Sharon replied. “I’ve been feeling pretty whooped lately.”

  “Do it!” Shaun said. “In fact, I’m going again next month. If you want, we can make it one of those girlfriend trips and play catch-up with what’s been going on.”

  “That sounds cool. Make sure you call me and remind me.”

  “I will. How’s work?” Shaun asked.

  “Looking pretty good,” Sharon said. She suddenly realized an opportunity. “Actually, if you call me at home in about an hour and a half, I can give you a heads-up on some skinny that should be kicking around town soon, if not already.”

  Shaun beamed, excited.

  “Is it juicy stuff?” she asked.

  “Well, it’s not Brad Pitt or Denzel, but it’s definitely something important enough for you to use on the show. You can probably break it before the folks at Entertainment Tonight get wind. After you guys, it’ll mostly show up in the industry mags.”

  “Wonderful! I’m definitely going to call you.” Shaun checked her watch. “Is five o’clock okay?”

  “Yeah, that gives me plenty of time to finish up here, run an errand, and get home.”

  “Alright, girl. I was over in the corner and saw you standing here, and thought I’d come up and surprise you real quick. But now I gotta run! Gimme some love!”

  Shaun gave Sharon, who was awkwardly holding the teas and biscotti, a quick embrace.

  “Alright! I’ll talk to you at five o’clock.”

  Shaun waved goodbye, and dashed off.

  Sharon carried the chai teas and biscotti to the lounging area. Desi had already staked out a table with two chairs. Sharon handed her the iced tea, then sat down in front of her own steaming cup. She placed the two biscotti on a napkin in the middle of the table.

  “I just ran into Shaun Robinson.”

  “Really? How is she?”

  “Dez, she looks fantastic,” Sharon said with a hint of envy. “She was this firecracker, bursting with energy. She just came back from a spa treatment and everything about her was glowing. I think maybe that’s what I need to get me going again.”

  Desi nodded, drinking her tea.

  “Just knowing that I’m going to be able to sink my teeth into some quality acting again is good enough for me,” she said. “Sharon, my mind feels so much lighter. All I’ve been doing is stressing money. I couldn’t even focus on the craft anymore to attract the right role. I was in too much of a panic, I think.”

  Sharon bit into one of the biscotti, agreeing with her.

  “I definitely believe the way you feel inside can affect what comes to you.”

  “Exactly,” Desi said. “I was probably blocking my own blessings by carrying around all that panic and fear. Not that I’m saying I’m healed and holy-rolling and won’t ever be fearful again. I know that’s not the case. But at least I see a direct correlation between my actions and how the resolution came about. Now that I’m going to be able to handle the financial situation, I’ll be free to get back to who I am and what I’ve been out here trying to do in the first place.”

  She picked up the remaining biscotti and took a small bite.

  “Mmmm. These are so good.”

  She drank some of her iced chai tea. Sharon observed how free Desi seemed. She had a glow, too. Even the way her hair looked was different, not the way she was used to seeing it styled.

  “I like your hair like that.”

  “You’re just noticing my hair?” Desi asked, fingering her curls. “I haven’t been blow-drying it like I usually do. I just rub it with a towel after I get out of the shower. I’ve been wearing it like this for a couple of days now.”

  “It works for you.”

  “Thanks. Randall said the same thing.”

  Sharon sipped her tea, noting how familiar Desi sounded as she spoke Randall’s name.


  “Sharon, aren’t you excited?!” Desi squealed. “I’m so freaking hyped! I mean, imagine … people are going to be seeing me on TV every week!”

  “So they’ve already pitched the show and been picked up by a network?”

  “Randall said it was practically a done deal.”

  Sharon knew Hollywood well enough to know nothing was done until it was done. Anything could happen. All kinds of pitches were being made this time of the year.

  “You said they’re paying you just for signing, right?”

  “Yep. A nice chunk of money. Enough to keep me covered for a while.”

  Desi’s face was beaming. It was infectious. Sharon began beaming, too. She decided not to say anything about the network situation. If Vast Horizons felt confident enough to pay Desi big money up front, they might have already inked their network deal. She kept her dark thoughts to herself.

  “That’s great, Dez, it really is,” Sharon said. “And don’t forget about the movie. That should be serious exposure for you.”

  “Oh, I’m not forgetting it for one moment,” Desi said, smiling.

  “Make sure you call Jackson and talk to him. Just to let him know that everything is really cool between you two. And I already told him he’s gotta pay you well for this, so if he pops any noise, you just route him back to me.”

  “Thanks, Sharon. You’ve done so much for me already.”

  “You just make sure you rock this role when it’s time for us to shoot.”

  “Oh, most definitely. I’m giving it everything I got.”

  Sharon dipped her biscotti in her tea, then bit it.

  “So are Randall and Steve going to be writing for the show full-time?” she asked, her mouth full of cookie.

  “At least the first year,” Desi said, “and that’s all I have to commit to for now. It’s really a good contract. A great contract, actually.”

  “You know, at some point, you should consider getting a producer’s credit worked in.”

  “But I don’t want to produce,” Desi replied.

  “How do you know?” Sharon answered. “You might enjoy the role so much, and be such a big draw, that you want to take a more active role in what’s happening with the show. It’s too early for that now, but keep it in mind as things progress down the road. Not only do you have more overall involvement, it’s also a whole ’nother check you’d be receiving. If a show like that lasts long enough to go into syndication, you could potentially hit the jackpot. The more titles and involvement you have, the bigger your share of the booty.”

  “Wow,” Desi said. “It’s amazing how much I don’t know. Randall schooled me on the business all through dinner last night.”

  “Just be sure he’s schooling you right,” Sharon said. “Remember, he’s got a potential vested interest in you, so he’s not going to tell you everything you need to know.”

  Desi hesitated.

  “But I thought you said he was cool.”

  “He is, but business is business.”

  Sharon felt her dark side squirming its way out. Desi sat across from her now, no longer drinking her tea or eating the biscotti, looking as if she didn’t know who to trust or what to believe.

  “Are they putting in writing everything Randall mentioned at your dinner meeting?”

  “Yeah,” Desi said. “Hey, do you still think that Glen could maybe look over the contract for me before I sign it? You’ve got me extra nervous.”

  The mention of Glen cast a shadow over Sharon’s face.

  “Yeah, I can ask him. I’m sure he won’t mind.”

  Her tone was flat. There was no enthusiasm at all.

  Desi saw the shadow.

  “It’s no big deal if you can’t get him to do it,” she said. “Maybe I can get someone else to look at it. What about your friend Eddie?”

  “Eddie will charge you,” Sharon replied. “He charges me.”

  “Really?”

  “Really. He’s good, but he’s high. Save your money. I’ll ask Glen to look over it for you.”

  Sharon’s expression was as if she’d just been drafted for war. She took another sip of tea.

  “Just the thought of talking to Glen seems to make you uneasy,” Desi observed.

  “Am I that transparent?” Sharon asked.

  “Yes, and it’s coming out in other ways. Like making me worried about this television deal.”

  Sharon sighed.

  “Sad, but true. I’m sorry about that. I’m sure Randall and his people are on the up-and-up.” She put her hands in her hair, pulling her locks back into a ponytail. “It’s just that you’re so upbeat, and Shaun just bounced out of here slaphappy as hell. All of us have positive things going on, but, try as I might, I just can’t keep my spirits up. Why can’t I let my soul glow, too?”

  “Just a few moments ago, you said you believed that how you feel inside can affect what comes to you. Change how you feel inside.”

  Sharon let her locks fall free.

  “Dez, baby, it ain’t that easy. This Glen thing is dominating everything I do.”

  “He’s just a man, Sharon. Why are you making this seem like the end of the world? Unexpected pregnancies happen all the time. You cope with it. You’re a grown woman, you should know that by now.”

  “Look, Dez, just because you found Jesus, don’t make it seem like everybody else around you should be seeing visions, too. The answers don’t come that easy for me.”

  “I didn’t just find Jesus. All I’m saying is have a little more faith.”

  “Can I get some on loan?” Sharon chuckled. “My stash seems to have run a little dry.”

  Desi had her lips pressed together as she stared at the table.

  “I guess I’m still kind of confused,” she began. “You said your period is three weeks late, right?”

  “Yep.”

  “Yet you’ve been seeing Glen that whole time, laughing and having fun and sexing him and everything else. Last night, you could barely talk to me on the phone for him pawing at you. I don’t get it. You were obviously suspecting that you were pregnant during all of that time, right?”

  “Yeah,” Sharon replied, “I suspected it. But I refused to let myself think about it. I kept pushing it out of my mind, and proceeding like it was business as usual.” She toyed with one of her locks. “It was almost like I tricked myself into believing that if I didn’t think about it, it would just go away.”

  “What made you suddenly want to acknowledge it today?”

  “That stupid dream last night with the fish sandwich and the red Expedition. My conversation with you this morning and the reality check you slapped me with.”

  Desi smiled, pleased to know her words had not been in vain.

  “There was a picture I saw in Jackson’s office,” Sharon continued. “Then there was that chick in Fatburger who came in with four kids. All kinds of crazy shit lined up today. It’s getting too heavy for me to keep on my mind. It’s time that I acknowledge this situation to myself, and to him.”

  “That scares you, doesn’t it?” Desi asked.

  “Yeah. It scares me to death. I have this feeling that, once I tell him, everything will change. My relationship with Glen will never be the same.”

  Sharon’s face was riddled with pain.

  “So you really do love him.”

  “Apparently so. And I know he doesn’t want kids, so things will have to change between us, one way or another. If he tells me to get an abortion, I’ll resent him for being so insensitive. If he blames me for getting pregnant in the first place, it won’t be long before he’s gone.”

  “Sharon, you didn’t get pregnant by yourself.”

  “Yeah, but I’m older than he is. Like you said this morning, I should have been more responsible.”

  “I said both of you should have been.”

  “Yeah … well.”

  The Starbucks was bustling with people. Sharon checked her watch.

  “So the chances of him being happy about the b
aby and wanting to settle down with you are that remote?” Desi asked.

  Sharon snickered.

  “I can’t see it,” she said. “He’s never even told me he loves me.”

  “Wow.”

  “Yeah. Wow is right.” Sharon finished off the last of the biscotti. “I’ve gotta get going. I want to get home early enough to relax my mind and prepare myself.”

  “He’s coming over tonight?”

  “He comes over almost every night. But I’m going to tell him. It’s been messing with me all day. I feel like I’m on death row. I just want to get it over with, deal with the situation, and move on.”

  “Keep in mind,” Desi said, “there’s always a chance things just might work out for you guys. Look at how things worked themselves out for me.”

  “Again, Dez, if you’ve got some spare faith lying around, please send it my way.” Sharon brushed a lock from her face. “I’m ashamed to admit that I’m not as strong about this as I wish I was. Let me tell you, there’s nothing worse than being afraid all the time, dreading what may or may not happen.”

  Desi was surprised. For as long as she had known Sharon, fearful was not one of the words she’d choose to describe her.

  “It’s going to work out, Sharon,” Desi said with conviction. “I know it. You just have to believe it, too.”

  “Well, say one of those prayers of yours for me. Pray for me to strengthen my faith. That way I won’t care what happens if Glen, or any other man, ever walks away from me.”

  “You’ll still care,” Desi said, “but you’ll know that you’ll be alright, no matter what.”

  “Yeah … well.” Sharon got up. “I’m out. You heading home soon?”

  “Actually, no. I’m going to meet Randall over at the Martini Bar.”

  “The Martini Bar?” Sharon’s head reared back. “Is this business or pleasure?”

  Desi pursed her lips and sighed.

  “He wants me to meet his partner, Steve Karst. Now that it’s almost official, Randall suggested we get together so we can at least become comfortable with one another.”

  “Alright, now,” Sharon teased. “You better watch that Randall. That’s the Bronx in the house. You know how we do it.”

  She walked away, her palms facing up, pushing the air.