Blind Ambitions

by Lolita Files

  “Steve, this is so fucked up. It really is. I was just beginning to get my life together. I was making all these positive changes. I don’t know how much you think you know about me, but I’ve lived a little. A lot. Yesterday, before I got fired, was a big deal for me. I declared myself celibate yesterday morning. I’ve made too many mistakes with men. I decided that I’m not going to get involved in any more crazy scenes with men who only want to know me for one reason.”

  “Bettina.”

  “Yes.”

  “I want to take you to lunch, not the Holiday Inn.”

  Bettina chuckled.

  “You’re getting kinda serious on me,” he said. “I don’t move that fast. Just because I’m blond, that doesn’t mean I’m easy.”

  She laughed out loud.

  “Wait a second … you’re not taking me to Roscoe’s for fried chicken, are you?” she asked. “Are you asking me to lunch because you need me as a passport into a black restaurant?”

  “No,” he protested. “I would never do that. Besides, on the seventh day, I give the bird rest.”

  “Well, I’m sure chickens worldwide heave a sigh of relief over that.”

  They both laughed together.

  “Do you like fresh seafood?” he asked.

  “That’s the only way to eat it.”

  “Alright. How about I pick you up in an hour and we go someplace casual?”

  “Well …” She was unsure if she wanted him to come to her home.

  “I’m telling you again though, Bettina: This is strictly on the level. I don’t want any of your fast moves. I like to take it slow. I’ve been hurt a lot in my life, and I’m not having it anymore.”

  She grinned.

  “Do you have a problem with that?” Steve asked. “Because if you do, you need to let me know right now, and we can put an end to this before your shenanigans even start.”

  Bettina was still laughing.

  “No, Steve. I don’t have a problem with that at all.”

  By three-thirty, Bettina and Steve were strolling around inside the shops at the Redondo Beach Pier. They had already eaten two big plates of Dungeness crab, and washed it all down with beer and laughter.

  Their conversation was carefree and easy, almost as easy as it was for Steve to reach for Bettina’s hand. As easy as it was for her to allow him to hold it.

  She pulled him into novelty shops and stuck too-large sunglasses onto his face. He bought churros, one for her and one for him, and they quickly bit into the warm sugary breadsticks in a race to see who could finish eating first.

  Steve had been nervous when he first picked her up at her place in Santa Monica. He knew exactly where she lived when she gave him the address. His family, real-estate titans with more than five billion dollars in property worldwide, owned an office building just two blocks away from Bettina’s condo.

  She had asked him to not come up, but to call from his car when he arrived. He did, waiting for more than ten minutes, filled with panic at the thought that maybe she had changed her mind. The feeling of panic surprised him, as he realized how much weight he had placed on her saying yes.

  His interest in Bettina had not been sudden. It had been lurking for years, a feeling that hovered in the background of his conscious and subconscious mind from the moment she first arrived at Massey-Weldon. She came to the company three months after he was hired, her natural, radiant beauty capturing his attention the moment he first walked into the building and saw her behind the reception desk.

  Steve was in a relationship then, one that was taking far more from him than it would ever hope to give. Bettina’s winsome face first thing in the morning got him through and out of that relationship, and others that followed, without him even being aware of it. He only knew that, with something as bright and beautiful in the world as her face, there was no reason to aspire for anything less.

  Bettina had never done anything to make Steve believe the regard went both ways. She knew him well enough to have brief conversations that lasted until someone else came up to chat with her. Those brief conversations, he knew, were merely the result of the familiarity of her seeing him at work every day for five years. She was naturally gregarious. Almost everyone seemed fond of her and drawn to her presence. Because of that, he couldn’t interpret her behavior towards him as anything more than professional friendliness.

  It didn’t happen often, but every now and then, as she was on a call and he was just walking into the building, her eyes would land specifically upon him and her face would suddenly light up. Whenever it occurred, it was a brilliant, unexpected, almost shocking thing that made his heart, and feet, race, as he hurried to the elevator, away from its near-nuclear glow.

  The feeling always left him warm and happy inside, making him wonder if he was truly capable of being the inspiration of something so lovely. He liked that feeling. It was what he hoped for with each new woman he met. It was something they could never quite match. By presence alone, again without him realizing it, Bettina slowly raised the bar on Steve’s ideal.

  It had been two years since he had dated. His tolerance for empty conversations and shallow women was gone. He immersed himself in two things that were most constant, his career and his health, and there he found satisfaction. He went to the gym five times a week. That way, he could eat what he wanted and still remain fit. His career was flourishing, and, with the new venture of Vast Horizons, he was ready to take it to the next level.

  When Randall, who was actually friends with Bettina, asked him what he thought about her coming over to work for them, Steve was delighted. It pleased him to know that she would be there, providing for him a sense of familiar anchoring.

  It was only after he and Randall quit the day before, as they lingered at the reception desk sharing a laugh with her, did he admit to himself that he wanted to actively pursue something more. He didn’t know if it was wise, especially since Bettina would soon be his employee. But he really didn’t care about that. Not enough. What he did care about was how good he felt when he was in her presence. And that alone was enough to make him decide to take the risk.

  When Bettina finally came down and got in the car, he knew he had made the right decision. She was wearing an airy sundress, beige with soft pink and green flowers, and had a beige sweater tied around her waist.

  She smiled apologetically, and his heart began to soar.

  Their conversation was light, almost halting at first, then began to flow as Steve maneuvered his gray Mercedes sports coupe through the streets and onto the freeway.

  “Where are we going?” she asked.

  “It’s a surprise.”

  On the way to the surprise, Bettina had him stop at a Target on Sepulveda in Manhattan Beach. She ran inside, bought a pair of panties, and put them on in the rest room. When she returned to the car, she was carrying her beige sweater. After that, she became even more at ease.

  Bettina’s hand was still nestled in his as they walked out to the edge of the pier and leaned against the railing. The cool ocean air washed over their faces, invigorating their lungs and spirits with its salty scent.

  “This is nice, isn’t it?” Steve asked. “There’s something so restorative about the smell of the sea. Nothing can compare to it.”

  Bettina breathed in deeply and exhaled.

  “I love it here,” she said. “Thank you for bringing me. This place is beautiful.”

  Steve looked at her, his hair whipping across his forehead.

  “You’ve never been here before?” he asked, surprised.

  “Never,” she answered. “I didn’t even know it existed. My dates never really took me out, as much as they kept me in.”

  Steve casually slipped his arm around her waist.

  “I have to bring you here when the gray whales run.”

  “Whales come here?” Bettina asked with fascination.

  The wind rippled the surface of her hair. Steve studied the way it moved in waves across her head.


  “Yes, and, like you, it’s stunning to watch.”

  She blushed, gently bumping him with her hip.

  “Stop it,” she said with a coy smile. “Tell me about the whales.”

  “Alright,” he said. “Well, every year Pacific gray whales do this ten-thousand-mile migration.”

  “Ten thousand miles!” she exclaimed. “Are you serious?”

  “Oh, I am most serious. That’s how far they travel, round-trip. Can you imagine swimming that long and that far?”

  They gazed out at the waves breaking on the ocean surface.

  “I can’t even imagine doing a mile,” Bettina said with a chuckle.

  “Well, every winter, these whales go from the freezing Arctic waters of the Bering Sea down to the warm lagoons of Baja to have their babies. Then they head back up to the Arctic.” Steve stared out at the ocean as if he could see the whales going by. “It’s the most breathtaking thing you ever want to witness. When you see them on their way back, the newborns are swimming alongside them.”

  “And you can see them here?” she asked.

  “Right here,” Steve said. “They pass real close to the Redondo Beach shoreline. I’ve been coming here to see them since I was a kid.”

  Bettina looked up at Steve, who was blissfully watching the sea. She leaned against him, feeling, in that moment and in that space, safe and free.

  Steve gazed down at her and smiled.

  “Don’t you get fresh with me,” he warned. “I told you before, I’m not that kind of guy.”

  Devin could see Bettina from where he stood on the street overlooking the pier. He noticed the way she was leaning into the white guy.

  So that was the reason, he thought.

  It wasn’t about him being married. Bettina had apparently jumped ship for another reason. Now she wanted someone white.

  Devin gave a bitter laugh, watching her bump playfully against the man.

  He had already succeeded in getting her fired. He wasn’t going to stop until every ounce of her dignity was gone.

  Then she would know how he felt when she turned him away.

  All Devin had to do was get to the guy. From there, everything else would be easy.

  Then Bettina would come crawling.

  He smiled, imagining that moment.

  If she begged hard enough, he just might take her back. But only if she begged.

  And did that thing with her nails that he loved so much.

  Steve and Bettina were sitting in his car in front of her building. The engine was off. They had been there for more than an hour, and the night air had taken on a deep chill.

  Bettina draped her sweater around her shoulders.

  “Are you alright?” Steve asked. “Are you comfortable? Do you want me to turn on the heat?”

  “I’m fine,” she said softly. “I have to head up in a minute.”

  Steve nodded.

  “Thank you for getting me out of the house. I would have gone crazy if I stayed in bed all day. I was beginning to panic about stupid things, things I already had a solution for.”

  “I don’t know why you were sulking. It’s not like you don’t have another job to go to. You can start work with us on Monday. Jet already has the new offices set up.”

  “I know. I think I just felt like sulking.”

  “Sulking’s no fun.”

  “No.” She smiled. “It isn’t.”

  “Then don’t do it anymore. You’re much too pretty for that.”

  Bettina blushed, then began toying with the sleeves of her sweater.

  “Steve, I know you guys hadn’t expected to take me on this early. Randall told me that Carlos was coming on board first.”

  He shook his head.

  “Not anymore. Anna Weldon got to Carlos and convinced him to stay. I don’t even know how she knew he was leaving.”

  “Are you serious?”

  “Yes. He’s got a new baby on the way. He’s been with the company a long time and Anna considers him the best in-house attorney they have. She offered him fifteen percent more than what we were going to be paying him at Vast Horizons.”

  “How did you find that out?” Bettina asked.

  “He called me at home this morning and told me.”

  Bettina laughed.

  “Damn, Steve. You may as well be running Massey-Weldon’s switchboard. Everybody from there seems to be calling you up.”

  “It sure looks that way,” he said.

  Bettina repositioned herself on the seat so that she was facing him.

  “I wonder who told her,” she said. “Other than me, you, and Randall, who knew that Carlos was leaving?”

  “No one, other than Jet. None of us told anyone about it. Besides, who, outside of our circle, would care?”

  “I certainly didn’t tell anybody,” she said. “Oh, shit … wait a minute.”

  “What?”

  “No. He wouldn’t do something as stupid as that.”

  “Who are you talking about?”

  Bettina sighed. “Damn! I didn’t even make the connection, but now it all makes sense.”

  “What, Bettina?” Steve asked in frustration. “Was it someone in the building?”

  Bettina reached for his hand.

  “Steve, I am so sorry. This is probably all my fault. There was this guy I was messing around with. Someone I had no business dating in the first place. It was just pillow talk. He told me what was going on with his career. I talked about what was going on with mine.”

  “I see,” Steve said, casually moving his hand away. “Are you still seeing this guy?”

  “No. That’s the problem. I broke things off with him yesterday morning. I’ll bet he’s the reason Meredith found out about my leaving to go to work for you.”

  “How would he know to call the Diabolical Miss M.?” Steve asked.

  “That’s what you call her?”

  He chuckled.

  “Yeah. That’s kind of an inside joke between me and Randall.”

  “Oh … well, it’s very appropriate,” Bettina said. “Anyway, Devin knew who she was because I told him. I don’t have a lot of friends. Actually, none. So I used to talk to him about everything, including the people at work. He knew I hated Meredith. She was the perfect person for him to call so he could get back at me.”

  Steve fidgeted with the steering wheel.

  “Devin, huh?”

  “Yeah, Devin. I guess he took things harder than I expected him to.”

  “You ever say anything to this Devin character about me?” he asked, twisting the steering wheel.

  Bettina watched him.

  “Yeah. I told him you were one of the guys I was going to work for.”

  “How’d you describe me?” he asked.

  “I didn’t,” she answered honestly. “Not physically. I told him how you and Randall have won Emmys, and that you guys are really good writers. Other than that, that’s all he knows.”

  Steve nodded.

  Silence hung between them.

  “I’m sorry I messed up things with Carlos,” she said, breaking the silence. “I guess this is just another reminder about the company I keep.”

  “We all make mistakes.”

  She snickered.

  “Steve, I think I got the mistake thing down pat.”

  She shivered, pulling her sweater around her tighter.

  “Don’t worry about Carlos,” he said. “We can get another attorney. This town is full of them. Jet might even know someone that he wants to bring on.”

  “I’m still sorry,” she whispered. “I feel hike this is all my fault.”

  “It’s not. You don’t know for sure if this Devin guy is the reason you got fired and Anna found out about Carlos.”

  “I’m willing to bet on it, that’s for damn sure.”

  Bettina rubbed her eyes. It had been a long day, packed with far more than she had expected.

  “I’ve got to go,” she said, placing her hand on the door handle. “I really do app
reciate you getting me out of the house, Steve. My whole attitude has turned around, thanks to you.”

  He nodded, a strained smile on his face. She opened the door.

  “Do you still love this guy?” he couldn’t help asking.

  “Who?” she questioned, looking back at him.

  “This Devin character.”

  That killed it for Bettina. She sighed, shaking her head.

  Why were men always so quick to want to lay claim, she wondered. She had just spent a wonderful day with Steve, and already he was acting possessive. She understood now, more than ever, why it was important for her to reclaim herself through her celibacy.

  “I never loved him to begin with,” she remarked in a flat tone. “Goodnight, Steve.”

  Bettina got out of the car and closed the door. She didn’t even look back as she went up the walkway, pressed the code, and entered her building.

  Steve started the engine, revved it a few times, and pulled off.

  As he drove away and she rode up the elevator, neither one of them could figure out how such a beautiful day had gone suddenly wrong.

  PANTS ON FIRE

  Hello?”

  Desi’s voice was thick when she answered the phone.

  “Oh, God … I woke you. I’m so sorry.”

  She was surprised and pleased.

  “No you didn’t. I should have been up anyway.”

  “I figured since it was Sunday, you’d be getting ready for church,” Randall said.

  “What makes you think I’m the churchgoing type?”

  “You’re from the South. And you seem to have a strong moral center. It just makes sense that you’d be a churchy kind of girl.”

  “Churchy, huh?” She chuckled.

  “Yeah. That is a word, isn’t it?”

  “Not any that I’ve heard.”

  She sat up in the bed and glanced over at the clock. It was eight-thirty.

  “Why are you up so early?” she asked. “Are you a churchy kind of guy?”

  “No,” he said, laughing. “I get some of my best writing done in the morning.”

  “I see. Are you working on something for Ambitions?”

  “Yeah. I’m going to e-mail it over to Steve in a minute so he can put in his two cents.”

  “And you called me because …?”