by Bree Dahlia
I nod, getting up to retrieve my purse on the other side of the room. The ringing stops by the time I reach it. I peek inside and exhale. “Rowan.”
“You calling her back?”
“No.” I come back to the table. “For one, this is my time with you.”
“And for two?” I shrug, sipping my wine. “Tell me about her.”
“I did already, didn’t I?” But then it’s easy to lose track of everything said when you’re communicating during graveyard hours. “We met in the art program at Milwaukee and have been best friends ever since. She teaches at this small charter school and has a paranormal fetish. And, um….” What else can I say, except that she’s awesome?
Most of the time anyway.
He tugs me onto his lap. “You already told me these things.”
“Then why are you asking?”
“Is everything okay between you two?”
“It will be. Just a little disagreement.”
“Am I the reason?”
I sigh and wrap his arms tighter around me like a warm shawl on a winter night. I wish she were here to see us together. Then maybe she’d understand. “She has a hard time accepting my choices right now.”
“Understandable. I’m sure she’s also aware of our history.”
“Yeah, and that only adds to it. As if both of us being married wasn’t enough.”
“I know our situation isn’t ideal, but some of our hardest challenges can end up being the most worth it.” He swings me around until I’m straddling him. I can’t contain the rush when he shows me that dimple. I run my fingers over it. “If it were only about you and me, no one else to worry about, what would you want to do this weekend?”
Ooh, I like this game. “I’d want to take a walk.”
“A walk?” He laughs. “Out of everything we could do?”
“Yes, because we’d be walking hand in hand. We’d go all over the isthmus, window-shopping, getting ice cream at Annie’s. We could stop in at the Rathskeller and grab a beer, check out whatever band’s playing. We’d have so much fun no matter what we did. Oh! You know what I’ve always wanted to do? Go to the rooftop bar on top of the museum. It’s supposed to be so beautiful up there with the sculpture garden.”
“When the time is right, I want to take you there. Promise you’ll wait for me.”
“I promise.”
I want to live in this moment forever, feeling light and free and deliriously happy. I kiss him hard, then work my way down over his smooth jaw, moving to the softer skin on his neck, his shoulder. His tattoo gets some extra attention, and then I’m hauling up his shirt and dragging my tongue over the ridges of his stomach.
He’s already thick for me, straining for release. To see my effect on him makes me greedy. I want more, so I make sure I get it. I cup his cock and push him flat on his back.
He plays my favorite symphony when he groans out his need, its tone striking all my chords. It’s the song of sweet torment, showing me he’s as desperate for my touch as I am for his.
I free his cock and slide it into my mouth. He fills all my senses, bringing me just as much pleasure. I take him deeper and he fists my hair, much in the same way I did to him earlier. This is not something I ever did to him the first time we were together, but I plan to do it as often as I can now.
His reaction fuels me, and I enhance my efforts, working my mouth over his hot, pulsing skin. I don’t slow until I can taste him in my throat, his hips jerking upward while his firm grip loses some strength. I’m doing this to him, and I love every second of it.
While I’m still reveling in the act, wet between the thighs as if I were the one who’d been devoured, he regains the control. I’m pulled up and carried to his bed, stripped of my clothes and spread wide.
And oh God, he’s still hard. As ready for me as I am for him. He fucks like a man who can’t get enough, and I scream like a woman who never wants him to.
When we’re both spent and sated, and I’m lying in his arms, I’m wondering if he could possibly bring me any higher than I am. Highly unlikely. A hundred to one. The entire day cultivated into this one perfect moment, and it doesn’t get any better than this.
I glide my fingers over his chest. “I’m so glad you came back.”
“And now that I am,” he says, bringing my hand to his mouth and kissing each of my fingertips, “I’m never leaving again. Madison is home.”
“I feel the same.”
He grips my chin and I glance up at him. “No, Madison is home. I love you, Madison James.”
“I love you too, Jake Adams.”
I soar to the clouds. Past them. In fact, I don’t think I’ll ever stop. Not only did I beat the odds, I also won the jackpot.
I wake up with my cheeks sore. I must’ve been smiling in my sleep. Jake’s already awake, watching me.
“Good morning.”
“Good morning. How long were you staring at me?”
“Long enough to know this wasn’t a dream. You really did stay with me, all night long.”
I nod. “All night long.” I feel where he’s coming from. It almost doesn’t seem real. “What time is it?”
“Time to get some breakfast before it turns to lunch.”
I sit up, rubbing my eyes. “What?” I lean over and retrieve my purse that I brought in here sometime before the sun rose, paranoid Cain would text. I pull out my phone and relief floods me. He didn’t try contacting me. That makes me bold. I decide to stay with Jake another night. But holy shit, 11:40 a.m.? I don’t sleep in this long even when I’m sick.
He glances at my screen as I bring up a message, reading the transcription. “Rowan again?”
I shake my head. “My art director.” Sharon called this morning, saying she needs my final sketches ASAP. I know I’m falling a teensy bit behind, but I’ll catch up this week. I drop the phone back into my purse.
He lifts me up in one fell swoop and I shriek. “When will I be able to get this book? I plan to buy enough copies to decorate every wall.”
I laugh against his neck, my cheek pressing into the hard muscle over his collarbone. “Not for a while yet, and where’re you taking me?”
“To the shower, where I plan to get you way more dirty than clean. Then I’ll run over to Miranda’s and get us coffee and anything else you want.”
“Or I could go with you.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” My boldness hasn’t sedated a bit. If anything, it’s amped up. Besides, Miranda’s is only across the street.
He sets me down while he gets the water ready. I am so unbelievably excited for another day with him. He turns his head and sees me grinning like an idiot.
“You look like you’re hiding something good.”
“It’s no secret I’m really happy right now.”
“Anything else?”
“I love you and….” My eyes roam down. “You’re naked and most definitely not hiding anything.”
“I hope it’s good.” He picks me up and brings me into the shower, pressing me against the tile wall.
“Good isn’t strong enough.” Good was how I’d describe it as a teenager. He grips my ass and my legs tighten around him. “It’s life-changing,” I whisper.
His gaze penetrates, followed by his cock. He makes love to me as the water pours down, stroking slow enough to tease but fast enough to make me shiver in the billowing steam. He takes his time until I’m soft and swollen inside, receptive to every thrust. I’m hot and sticky and gasp-out-loud sensitive. The gasps turn into low moans, then high ones, and before long I’m screaming and pulsing around him.
“I love you,” he breathes into my ear, thrusting deeper, making me throb harder.
God, I love this man. My Jake. “I never stopped.” It rushes out, along with the rest of my orgasm, and I give him all of me.
I’m floating in a bubble, and it’s too ecstatic inside to want out. I think I’ll stay forever.
He takes my hand, leading me out the door a
nd down the steps. I’m giddy. I’ve been giddy ever since he claimed me in the shower, and I claimed him back. It was all a sweet blur after that, but I’ll take the lovely feeling of running on pure emotion any day.
I’m so freaking happy.
We get to the street and round the corner of the closed record store when we almost plow down a woman and her baby.
Not just any woman—Liza, her infant strapped to her chest. Oh my God, so tiny and adorable. I’m still on my high, not thinking straight when I smile and move in for a better look. Aww, a sleeping angel.
“Maddie? Jake?”
Liza has the strangest expression on her face when I notice where her eyes are zeroed in. Holy shit. I drop Jake’s hand and start to plummet fast. No safety net in sight.
“I see you’ve become reacquainted.”
“Um….”
“What’s her name?” Jake asks, and she redirects her focus.
“Amelia.” Liza cups her little straw-dusted head. “Just turned six weeks.”
“She’s beautiful.” I nod in agreement, not trusting myself to speak.
“Thank you.” Liza does another double take at the both of us. “Well, I’d better get back to Mommy and Me time. And I’ll let you two get back to… whatever.”
“You okay?” he asks after she walks off.
“I think so.” It’s not like Liza knows Cain or anyone he associates with. I don’t think.
We’re quiet as we head to Miranda’s, no longer holding hands. That alone depresses me. It drives it home deeper. Rowan was right about one thing: I can’t keep going on like this. I need to make up my mind.
I let him do the ordering, and we leave with two coffees and a bag of raw sunflower butter cookies, heading back to his apartment.
“Do you still want kids?”
I look up with a mouth full of cookies. They’re not half bad. “Kids?” I mumble.
“I know we talked about it when we were younger, but I’m wondering if anything’s changed.”
“No. I still want them.”
“I thought so, considering the way you lit up around Liza’s baby.” I nod, opening the lid of my coffee and blowing before taking a sip. “And nothing’s changed for me either. I’d still love to have children with you.”
I sputter and he rushes over, but I swallow it down before I need a good whack. We just decimated another line. Gone from another man inside me to another man’s child.
“I’m married.” I can’t stop the obvious from spilling out any more than I can stop myself from hating it. A tear plops into my cup.
His strength is around me, grounding me, and I decide to let it all free. “Cain and I planned to start a family right away when we moved here. But then he changed. I don’t even recognize the person he’s become. He won’t get help. There’s nothing I can do. Do you know there were times after he’d yell and say such hurtful things that I’d wish for him to go ahead and hit me already?”
“Oh, Maddie.” His fingers are so gentle in my hair. “You really felt that way?”
“Yes, because then it’d be black and white. If he laid a hand on me, it’d be easy to walk out. But what he’s doing is too gray. He gets mad, but so does everyone. He says things he later regrets, but so does everyone. Where’s the line drawn?”
“The line is your happiness. Either you are or you aren’t.”
“I’m not with him.” It seems so transparent now. As if I were just handed a gift I’d wished for my whole life. “But I am with you.”
“And what is your heart telling you to do?”
“To be with you.”
“It’s never too late.” Between his touch and his kiss, he makes me feel like a man never loved a woman more. “I’ll always be your first, and I can still be your last. There’s a reason we found each other again. It’s to get a second chance. To spend the rest of our lives loving each other and the children we bring into the world. Let me prove my words, my promise that I’ll never hurt you again.”
“If you promise never to talk of the past again.” That part of my life is done. There’s no need to rehash mistakes made in our youth. It all starts now. Our new beginning.
“As long as we can be together, I’ll promise you anything.”
Cain couldn’t destroy what he fixed. I remain in one piece because Jake’s strength bonds me together. I need Jake. I love Jake. But can I really divorce Cain for him?
For better or for worse echoes deep in my core.
How can I break my solemn vow?
How can I not?
Twenty-one
I’m divorcing Cain.
After spending another night with Jake, there’s no longer a choice. My heart is making all the rules. I’m just following them.
I could barely leave his arms this morning, but the certainty of our commitment made it bearable. We stayed up until the wee hours, not having sex, but something much more intimate. We talked of the future, our promises to each other, the wrongs that will finally be righted. Jake is my destiny, and it won’t be much longer before we fulfill our purpose.
I plan to tell Cain tonight and then go right back to Jake. I’m not too worried about my soon-to-be ex-husband’s reaction; I can tackle any vitriol thrown my way. Besides, he hasn’t acted like he’s wanted a wife in quite some time.
It’s your lucky day, Cain. You got your wish.
Now, I just need to patiently wait for mine to come true.
Not the easiest task, but by far not the hardest either. I slip off my ring in preparation, dropping it into my purse. Then I kill some time by staying in the city, not ready to go home to a place I no longer belong. I should be following Jake’s example and getting some work done, but tomorrow’s a new day. Tomorrow my life will be back on track.
I navigate through the foot traffic on State, engulfed in a sea of red. School is back in session. Where did the summer go? I stroll past Bascom Hill, watching the students lug their books and laptops up the steep path lined with plastic pink flamingos. It makes my lips confused. They don’t know whether to curve up or down. As euphoric as I am for my new life to start, I’m reminded of all that I’ve lost.
An uneasy feeling comes over me. It must be the exhaustion catching up. I continue wandering on until I’m near the synagogue. Another wave hits, much stronger this time. I divert my attention, not eager to relive the soul-destroying memory that not even seven years can erase.
What is wrong with me? Apparently, I can’t take my own dish. I made Jake promise not to focus on the past, and I shouldn’t be exempt from doing the same. This is the first day of our second chance, and I need to start acting like it.
My little pep talk seems to work. My lips shoot toward the sky, no longer confused as I head to the bookstore/art supply/coffee shop. The high coursing through my veins can only counteract so much tiredness. I need espresso to pick up the rest of the slack. I still have another six hours before Cain even gets off of work.
When I arrive at Miranda’s, I get a thrill knowing Jake’s right across the street. And I receive another lesson in patience by keeping that street between us. It takes restraint not to rush past the record store, dash up the stairs, bust through his door, and leap back into his arms. It adds an extra layer of weariness just thinking about it.
I pass the books, the rich scent of coffee beans blessing my nose as soon as I hit the first step. I go upstairs, order an extra-large lavender latte, and make myself at home near the back window.
One hour feels like ten minutes. The time disappears quickly as I zone out through the glass and people watch. Warren isn’t as congested as other streets, but there’s still plenty to occupy me as I daydream. I stroke my naked finger, glancing to the middle of the room where Jake and I sat paging through Where the Wild Things Are. To think how far we’ve come….
I turn back to the window and—hey, that’s Jake. Wouldn’t it be fantastic if he’s popping over here for a break? Wait. Who’s that with him? Shit….
My throat trades
places with my stomach, acid splashing into my mouth. The hair is shorter, but it’s still a thick curtain of chocolate I want to chop off. The tits and ass are the same. I’m not far enough away to be immune to the effect she has on my self-esteem. All these years later and the visceral reaction’s the same. With age came nothing. I’m an insecure young girl again and I. Hate. It.
I watch them hug. I watch her walk away. I sit on my hands so they don’t gouge out my eyes.
Oh my God. It just slams into me. She came out of his apartment.
My neck pulses so hard I can’t swallow. I’m not sure how long I sit there just forcing myself to breathe. Then I snap out of it.
I seem to teleport because an instant later, I’m rapping on his door. Screw this. It’s unlocked. I push it open.
“What’d you—” My sandy-haired, dimple-cheeked boy enters the room. My boy. He smiles wide and rushes over. “Maddie. You’re back already?” He’s happy to see me. I’ll give him that.
His arms are embracing me when I blurt out, “What the fuck was she doing here?”
He pulls back. “Reyna?”
“Of course, Reyna. I haven’t gone home yet. I saw her from Miranda’s. I saw her leave your place.” Way to sound like a stalker. This girl brings out the worst in me.
“Maddie, she’s my wife.” Don’t stop there. Plunge it in deeper. “We were only talking.”
“You said you had to work today.” Am I overreacting? I came in with guns blazing, but they could’ve been discussing the upcoming divorce.
“I do.” He sighs, dropping his head. I don’t like when he does that, as if a violent storm is coming. “But now that you’re here, we should talk too.”
“O… kay.” I trip over my tongue. He picks up his head and his eyes look weighed down. His entire demeanor has flipped on its axis. Swallow, swallow, swallow. “We, um, just saw each other a few hours ago.” Hours. Nothing should’ve changed. The only thing on the table should be our future. Or us.
I’m drawn back into his arms, and he’s clinging to me as if he’s about to fall. I don’t like this either. “I’m so sorry. I love you so much. I swore I would never hurt you again, and I’m afraid for what this might do to us.”
