by Monica James
Suddenly, I remember where I’ve seen her. She was sitting at the breakfast table with Max and Maddy the morning I was a complete ass to Madison in Boston. And Maddy is right, I did flirt with her. But only to make Madison jealous.
As I study her, I notice she’s wearing the same dress as Maddy—a bridesmaid dress. Holy shit, this is Max’s wedding, or a renewal of vows ceremony, not Maddy’s. She’s the…bridesmaid.
Thinking back over my phone conversation with Max, I now know I misunderstood because I was convinced it was Madison who was getting married, not him. Well, don’t I feel foolish.
“But why are you organizing Max’s wedding? Or vow ceremony? Or whatever,” I ask quickly.
She smiles. “Because Dr. Wellington is not only the best teacher I’ve ever had, he’s also become a good friend. He’s become a good friend to all of us,” she adds, looking around. “When he let slip he always wanted to give Aiko the beach wedding she’s always dreamed of, we all made it happen. I guess he touched the sappy romantic in me.” She lowers her eyes for the briefest of moments before adding, “And besides, fifty plus years of marriage is something to celebrate.”
My mouth couldn’t fall any further open. “Well, that’s generous.”
“It’s the least I could do. Without him and his letter of recommendation, I wouldn’t have got the job at New York Presbyterian.”
I lie. My mouth just hit the ground. “What? You’re coming back to New York?”
She nods. “Yes.”
I need to sit.
I blindly slump down onto a chair, taking it all in. If this were a Shakespearean play, I would have kicked myself for swallowing the poison prematurely. But if I hadn’t come, I would have never known the truth. I would have forever believed she had married someone named Alex, who is in fact her fellow classmate, and a girl.
I have no idea why Max is renewing his vows and I don’t care. All I care about is the fact Maddy is not getting married.
“Dixon, my friend. Nice of you to come.” I look up and see Max standing beside me.
“You know me,” I reply, my voice parading my perplexity. “I love weddings.”
He laughs deeply, slapping me on the back. “Well, in that case, do you think I could get back to mine?” He cups his mouth brazenly. “They charge by the minute.”
I shake my head, coming back down to earth. “Oh, of course. I’m sorry, Max. Forgive me.” I stand, thankful my legs still hold me up.
“That’s quite all right. I’m glad you’re here.” He gives me a knowing smile. Did he know I’d end up making a fool of myself this entire time? When he secretively nods, I know that he did indeed.
That meddling, conspiring so and so.
He walks back down the aisle, leaving Maddy standing uneasily off to the side, fiddling with her bouquet. “I better stop making an ass of myself and let you get back to it,” I finally say, as I’ve held up the proceedings long enough.
She nods.
I turn around, but she stops me mid-step when she proclaims, “You didn’t.”
I smile, but don’t say a word and take the spare seat next to Hunter.
Once everyone stops staring at me and whispering what a nut job I am, the music starts back up. My eyes lock on Maddy as she takes a deep breath and turns around. Once she looks as composed as she can be, considering the past five minutes, she continues her walk down the aisle. Aiko follows a moment later, while Max looks at her with nothing but love in his eyes.
As the ceremony commences and we take our seats, Hunter leans in and whispers, “And the award for the biggest dumbass goes to…”
“Shut up,” I mumble. “By the way, you are the world’s worst wingman. Where were you when I was making a complete fool out of myself? A heads-up would have been nice.”
He raises his hands, brushing aside all blame. “Hey, I tried. It’s not my fault you had verbal diarrhea.”
I can’t argue with that.
We watch the rest of the ceremony in silence, and I’m thankful for the distraction because I have no idea what comes next.
* * *
“So you think I should just go over and be like, Madison…I want you back?”
Silence.
Turning over my shoulder to see what has captured Hunter’s attention, I spot a certain redhead. “Give it up, man. I’m pretty sure your staring is starting to creep her out. In fact, it’s starting to creep me out.” I flail my hand in front of his face, needing to ensure he’s still breathing.
He dodges it, transfixing his gaze back on Mary. “Should I wave?”
“Sure, why not.” Surely it can’t hurt. I spin in my chair, curious to see how this pans out.
From the corner of my eye, I see his arm shoot up high and he waves a little too zealously. He gains everyone’s attention, which seems to infuriate Mary. However, when she gradually raises her hand, both Hunter and I gasp.
“Holy shit, Dix, are you seeing this?” I’m almost certain Hunter is about to rocket off his chair in excitement. “Should I go talk to her?”
The fact she is acknowledging him is rather promising, but that hope nosedives a second later. I burst out laughing, turning back around to face my shattered friend.
“Well, at least she waved back,” he defensively states, reaching for his beer.
“Yeah…with her middle finger. I’d give up, Hunt. She’s not interested.”
He slumps back into his seat, nursing his beer unhappily. “I don’t get women,” he gripes.
I match his pose. “Yup, you’re preaching to the choir, my friend.” We both drink to our sorrows while watching the surf through the window, as Budweiser has yet to let us down.
“Are you having fun?” Max has come to stand by our table, mineral water in hand. He looks beyond elated, while I’m wondering how long it’ll take to drown.
“I’ll get us another beer.” Hunter stands, offering his seat to Max.
When he sits, I sigh, as I know what’s coming. “You knew, didn’t you? This entire time you knew.” I don’t even have to clarify what I’m talking about.
He nods.
“Why didn’t you stop me?”
Placing his mineral water on the table, he coolly shrugs. “Because sometimes, we need to believe we’ve lost everything to appreciate what we had.”
Max and his damn philosophies.
“Well, I sure as hell have appreciated what a moron I am. I’m utterly embarrassed and sorry for ruining your day.”
He’s quick to reply. “You didn’t ruin anything, Dixon. You just confirmed what this day is all about.”
“And that is…?” I need him to fill in the blanks. But as usual, he doesn’t.
He stands, his old body silently creaking. “You know what. Don’t be coy; we both know you’re smarter than that.” When he waves lovingly at Aiko, I know that it’s a who that he’s referring to. Today is about unity and promise. It’s about surrendering oneself to another to find the missing piece of the puzzle that is love. I’ve put off the inevitable for far too long,
“Congratulations, by the way. You’re a lucky man.” I too stand, offering my hand to Max.
But he surprises me as he draws me in for an unexpected hug. “We’re all blinded at one stage or another in our lives, but now it’s time to go find your light.” He adds softly, “I saw her minutes ago, sitting by the shore. Alone.”
With that, we break apart and the wisest man I know goes in search of his light, while I go find mine.
Hunter is lingering near Mary, so I gesture I’m going for a walk. He nods before raising his fist in the air. As ridiculous as we look, I fist-bump the air and so does he. But he gets it. He gets that it’s finally time.
Without delay, I excuse myself through the sea of people, but most turn the other way when they see me coming, most likely afraid I’ll speak gibberish and drool on their shoes. Once I step outside, I use my hand to shield the sunlight from my eyes and just like always, I’m drawn to her.
I see her sitt
ing along the shoreline, her knees drawn up to her chest. She appears to be lost in thought as she stares out into the ocean. Taking a moment to appreciate her beauty, I’m thankful for the day I met her. Even after everything we’ve been through, I’ll never regret all the times, good and bad, that we’ve shared.
My pace is measured as I walk toward her, my palms sweating and my legs like lead. But I push on, needing this more than I ever have before. Needing her. That invisible, ever-present pull is like a whirlpool of emotions and just as I swallow hard, she turns over her shoulder, her mouth parting.
She can see my resolve and the trembling of her fingers as she brushes back her hair indicates she knows I’m not going anywhere until we talk. I stop a few feet away, interlacing my hands behind my back so she can’t see my nerves. Our eyes connect, but there are no words spoken. Not yet. We both need to regain our thoughts.
She digs her tiny feet into the sand, appearing to want to tunnel her way out of here as she turns her attention back out to the water.
“Madison…” I finally speak, but my voice sounds unlike my own. She doesn’t turn to face me, but that’s okay. She will when she’s ready.
Feeling ridiculous hovering over her, I sit, ensuring I’m not too close, not wanting to smother her. “I don’t know where we go from here, Maddy. I meant every word I said. I still…love you. I never stopped. And the prospect of going home without you is an empty one.” I exhale a deep breath, looking out into the clear water as I lean back on my hands.
Her unresponsiveness has me filling the silence. “Max just told me we have to believe we’ve lost everything to appreciate what we had. And he’s right. But my question is, have I? Have I lost you…angelo?”
I’m too afraid to look at her; too afraid of what her answer will be because honestly, if she tells me yes, then I don’t know how I’ll go on. This isn’t the way our story is supposed to end.
However, when one minute turns into two, I can’t endure the silence any longer. I push off my hands, ready to stand and accept that this might actually be the end. But when Madison finally turns, I stop dead in my tracks. Her gentle eyes are puffy and her nose is colored a bright red. She looks just how I feel—broken.
“No.”
That one single word bears so much weight, I can’t help but swallow. “No?” I question, unsure what no means.
“No, Dixon, you haven’t lost me.” Although those words were as soft as a feather, I know I heard them. I know I heard what I’ve been dreaming about since she left.
I take a second to process it all because although I haven’t lost her, that doesn’t mean she wants me back. Or does it?
“I miss you so much,” she confesses in a strangled, defeated sob. “I don’t understand. It’s getting worse instead of better. I th-thought the distance would make it all go away, but it hasn’t. The distance has just made me miss you more. I see you everywhere.” Her lower lip quakes. “You’re the store clerk at my local store, you’re the mailman. You’re even my damn dentist. Everywhere I look, I see you. I know it’s just my mind playing tricks, but it’s got to mean something, right?”
In an attempt to stop her cries, she places a fist in front of her mouth, but her cries—in a bittersweet, morbid way—are a balm to my blistering soul.
She’s right, it does mean something. It means she’s as miserable as I am. “Maddy, just come home. Come home with me. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but let’s try and figure it out together. I don’t want to live without you. I can’t. I can’t breathe without you, angelo. Please, breathe new life into me.”
Tears cascade down her soft skin as she silently weeps. I want so badly to comfort her, but I don’t.
“Do you still love me, Maddy?”
It’s a simple question. One which will change how the next thirty seconds plays out.
Her hesitation has me sucking in a choked breath. “Maddy…do you still love me?” I repeat, pinning her with my desperate stare.
“It’s not that simple. What happened between us…” But she suddenly stops.
“I know that, and I would never expect you to forget what I did. But I need to know…do you…still…love me?”
She closes her eyes, lowering her chin to her chest.
The fact she can’t answer this question kills me, and the waves crashing along the shore drown out the hammering of my heart. If she doesn’t answer me soon, I’m sure to…
“Yes, Dixon…” she whispers, finally turning to look at me. “I still love you. I never stopped. I tried to, but it was like fighting nature—it’s impossible. If possible, I love you more than I did the day I left. I’ve grown and changed, and so has my love for you. I’m so lost without you.”
I—she—she loves me?
Those words are the best words that I’ll ever hear because those words are full of hope—hope for our future.
Max was right. We needed to believe we’d lost everything to appreciate what we had.
“I didn’t know what was going to happen today, but I should have known.”
“Should have known what?” I question, shifting closer, thankful when she doesn’t shy away.
“I should have known that nothing will ever change between us. No matter how many miles, how many oceans or seas—” she places a hand on my cheek, her wavering touch kissing my heart “—nothing will ever change the fact that I’m forever yours.”
Turning into her, I relish the way she feels, the way she smells. I missed this. I missed all of this. But mostly, I missed us.
I’m not expecting things to go back to the way that they were right away, and I want her to know that I’m happy to take it as slow as she wants. Besides, in a way, we’re getting to know one another again. “Madison Roberts, can I buy you dinner?”
She strokes over my scruff, choking on a laughing sob. “Dinner is provided tonight.”
I smile, nuzzling into her hand like a docile kitten. “I know, but it’s an open invitation. Whenever you feel like dinner, whether that be tomorrow, next week, month, or year, call me. Just know I’ll be here waiting.”
Not so patiently, but I’ll try.
She appears to ponder over my promise, and I don’t know which way she’ll go. It’s a painstakingly slow few seconds, and when she lightly brushes over my beard, appearing to weigh up what to do, I feel winded and am at her complete mercy.
The anticipation is almost too much to bear, but with tender fingers, she cups my cheek before curling her hand around my nape. I freeze, unsure what happens next. She’s in total control when she climbs into my lap, straddling me snugly.
The surprise is clear on my face and she smiles, wiping her eyes. “How about you buy me dessert?”
Her lips, her smell, her warmth, her entire essence is within reach, but I restrain my need to hold, touch and kiss her. “Dessert isn’t provided tonight?” I ask, feeling her rasping exhalations mingling with mine.
“Yes, it is. But I could always eat two.”
I can’t…this is too much. I need to kiss her. After so long, I need to feel whole again.
She senses my internal war, inching her lips closer and closer until our breaths become one. There is only one thing I can say to sum up how I feel. It’s something I’ve said to her before.
Thumbing her lower lip, I roughly state, “If you kiss me, you can’t take it back.”
She smiles, and a sight has never looked more beautiful. “I don’t want to take it back.” Her warm breath caresses my cheeks, her eyes filled with molten desire.
“Good,” I growl, before swooping forward and taking back what’s always been mine. She groans into my mouth, tightening her hold around me while I clutch onto her waist, basking in what it feels like to come home.
This kiss is filled with so many emotions, so many months of longing, forlornness, and despair, but as her tongue duels with mine and she keeps up with my wanton pace, we fall back into sync, just how it’s supposed to be.
She pushes me down and pulls away,
placing frantic little kisses all over my face as I lie back in the sand. Tears wet my cheeks, but I know these tears are the happy kind.
We kiss like starved creatures for minutes, maybe hours, I don’t know. And although we’ve shared countless kisses before, these kisses are my favorite kisses of all.
Epilogue
“Peek-a-boo.”
Not in a million years did I ever think that the high-pitched squeal of a six-month-old drooling baby would be adorable, but as I tickle this little cherub’s tummy, I know I’m a total convert.
Using my hands as a makeshift window over my eyes, I thrive on her giggles when I cluck, “Peek-a-boo,” for the umpteenth time.
“Here, Dix, you want her?” teases Finch as he passes his baby daughter, Simone, my way. I happily accept her, laughing when her chubby little hands reach for my glasses.
“Who’s a grumpy pants?” I coo, bouncing the bundle of joy in my lap. “It’s your daddy, yes it is.” I sound utterly ridiculous, using a high-pitched voice which should only be reserved for grandmas and clucky mothers, but this is the new me. And I’m not ashamed of it.
This crazy journey has taught me many things, but the most important is to be honest with the one person you should love the most, and that person is you. If you can do that, odds are your honesty and happiness will rub off on others.
Others like Hunter.
“More like who’s a stinky ass?” He pinches his nose and shoots up off the couch like it’s on fire. When I get a whiff of what he smells, I stiffly pass Simone back over to her daddy. Drool I can deal with, dirty diapers I cannot. See, I’m all about the honesty.
Finch smirks and shakes his head as he grabs the pink-striped baby bag. “Who’s a big pansy ass? Your uncles, that’s who,” Finch coos in a sweet voice as he walks to the bathroom with his babbling daughter.
Not so long ago, Hunter and I would be sealing the deal with some random barflies, while Finch would be going home, no doubt praying that we would stop with the man-whoreness and settle down. But those days are over, for the both of us.
Even though Hunter is still single, he’s very much one lady’s man, and that lady is currently upstairs with my lady, getting ready to hit the town. Yes, I don’t fail to see the irony in this situation—the boys stay at home while the girls have a few cosmos in town—but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
