Rex Rogue And The League Of Teenage Supervillains

by C. H. Aalberry

  Rex sighed. He had been hoping to avoid this sort of thing.

  “You’re Mad Robbo, right? My cousin’s brothers’ uncle’s father’s grandkid once told me that you are scared of koala bears, is that true?” he said.

  “Nah,” said Mad Robbo, suddenly nervous.

  “Just their teeth, huh?” asked Rex.

  “Nah, they told you fibs,” said Mad Robbo, inching away.

  “Really? Because my aunt gave me this tooth; do you think it’s from a koala bear?” asked Rex, pulling a long tooth from his pocket.

  “That’s a sheep tooth for sure. I can see it from here,” said Robbo.

  “You sure? Come and take a closer look if you like,” coaxed Rex.

  “Ya can keep your manky tooth,” said Robbo and walked away.

  Rex laughed and slipped the tooth back into his pocket. He had been carrying it since Mad Robbo had appeared at his base, but he hadn’t been expecting to need it on his date.

  Rex climbed into the cockpit and Jenny floated into the seat behind him.

  “He was really scared of that tooth!” she laughed.

  “Yeah. Every superhuman has a weakness to something… well, nearly every superhuman. They don’t like people finding out about it.”

  “So what is your weakness, Rex ?” Jenny asked teasingly.

  “Ice cream... would you like some?”

  “I love ice cream,” Jenny said an hour later.

  She and Rex were sitting on top of a sky–scraper in Newtopia city of Steel Gong. The building stood by an endless beach where surfers and swimmers formed lines in the waves. Further out from the beach mutant sharks were kept at bay by steel nets and dedicated life guards carrying torpedoes, but the danger didn’t seem to worry the swimmers.

  “Say what you like about their organization, but the Newtopian mobsters do make great food,” Rex said.

  They had robbed an ice–cream store run as a front by a mob of criminals, stealing tubs of their favorite flavors and every dip and topping they could carry. The mob goons in the shop had been furious, but that had only made the ice cream even more delicious. It hadn’t been a particularly risky or profitable heist, but it had been fun.

  “Yeah! These waffle cones are amazing. So, do you rob here often?” Jenny asked.

  “It is one of my favorites, but sometimes I just buy the ice–cream instead of stealing it. That’s a little embarrassing to say, I hope you don’t think less of me for it!”

  Jenny laughed. She was having a lot of fun with Rex, and was enjoying being a villain far more than she had expected to. The fun ended when Rex’s red phone started vibrating in his pocket.

  Rex frowned.

  “Excuse me,” he said.

  He walked to the other side of the roof before answering the call.

  “What? Now is not a good time, okay?”

  He listened to his phone for a few more seconds and shook his head.

  “It’s none of your business where I am or who I am with, you know that. Now, what do you want?”

  The muffled voice asked a quick question.

  “Killing Yank Dracula? Easy, just soak the garlic in peanut butter first, and then throw it at him until he melts. Don’t look him in the eyes. I can send Steel Samantha out if necessary. No? Good. Now, is there anything else?”

  The voice on the phone talked at length, and Rex didn’t interrupt.

  “Are you sure?”

  The voice on the phone seemed quite insistent.

  “Fine. I’ll look into it right away.”

  He snapped the phone shut and turned to Jenny.

  “I’m really sorry… but there is something I have to take care of right away.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY: TRICKS, TRAPS AND TREASURE

  Sometimes you will need to team up with other villains to achieve your goals. Just remember that while there is no “I” in “TEAM” there is still a “ME” if you are willing to cheat and rearrange the letters. Needless to say, supervillains always cheat.

  –Rex Rogue’s guide for aspiring supervillains, unpublished.

  There are some things that every supervillain has to attend to personally.

  Duke Terror had hundreds of loyal and talented henchpeople who would do anything for him, but when Rex needed power – serious power – he would team up with other members of the League of Teenage Supervillains.

  “So what are we doing here, exactly?” asked RoboRodent.

  The two of them were standing in a jungle at the base of a huge pyramid carved from black stone. The stone was covered in hieroglyphics that caught the light in disturbing ways. Violently–colored jungle plants clung to cracks in the steps and snapped at unwary insects and birds. The air was thick with the smell of decay, stagnant water and the heavy perfume of nightflowers. It was a haunted place where ghosts and demons gathered in the night: a place of dark deeds and terrifying secrets.

  “This place is great! I’ve been looking for a new holiday home,” joked Rex.

  He had a huge pulsewave rifle slung casually over his shoulder. Pulsewave rifles were powerful, if somewhat prone to explosion. The fact they were highly illegal only added to their charm in Rex’s eyes, and he favored them whenever he was hunting dangerous prey.

  RoboRodent eyed the temple with interest.

  “You could use that rifle to cut a few new windows out of the stone and install a waterslide… which would be fun. But seriously, what are we doing here?”

  “The Psychic Psycho was reported in this area,” said Rex, and he was no longer smiling.

  “Oh.”

  RoboRodent looked like he was regretting turning up to help Rex.

  “It’s probably just another fake with telekinetic powers and delusions of grandeur,” said Rex. “But it’s your turn to help me take him down.”

  “Another fake, sure,” said RoboRodent hopefully.

  The Psychic Psycho had a powerful legacy that many villains wanted to claim for themselves.Rex and the League had investigated several reports that the Psychic Psycho was alive, but the League had only found fakes. Dangerous fakes, for the most part, but still just fakes.

  “And remind me why we care about this?” asked RoboRodent.

  “Because the Psychic Psycho is the most powerful supervillain ever, and so if he was alive he would be our fiercest competitor. You know how much the League hates competitors.”

  “I guess.”

  RoboRodent did not look convinced.

  “And if you help me out I’ll give you that fission powercell you want so badly.”

  “Yeah, fission!” said RoboRodent enthusiastically, all his fear instantly forgotten.

  He launched into a long description of what he was going to use the fission cell to power, going into great detail about the importance of harnessing power fluctuations. Rex ignored the technical monologue and just stared at the pyramid until RoboRodent eventually finished gushing about robots.

  “So are you ready?” Rex asked, pulling his Duke Terror mask out and slipping it over his head.

  “Ready? I was born ready! Come forth, my mechanical army!” RoboRodent yelled out, clapping his hands.

  Nothing happened. Rex smiled to himself inside the privacy of his mask as RoboRodent glared at the computer panel on his right arm. He shook it violently until it lit up.

  “Wait… loose wire. Right, now I’m ready. Come forth, my mechanical army!” he yelled again, because supervillains love drama.

  A trio of enormous robotic rats lurched out of the jungle. Rex recognized the first two as the formidable metal beasts called Goudda and Chedda. They were both taller than Rex and had bulky bodies covered in rusted metal plates and weird weaponry, but even they looked positively small compared to the third monster that towered above them. Dozens of smaller metal rats scurried over its feet, their glowering red eyes blinking intelligently, as it gnashed its enormous metal teeth and flexed its hydraulic muscles. Rex was impressed.

  “You’ve met my older creations, Goudda and Chedda, and the
new big one is Swiss,” RoboRodent said proudly.

  “Wow, you’ve really taken things to the next level. Do you think they will–”

  “–target: Kill?” interrupted Swiss, its huge shoulder cannons glowing red in excitement and pointing right at Rex.

  “No!” yelled RoboRodent quickly.

  The huge robot disarmed its cannons, but it seemed a little disappointed.

  “The voice commands are still a little sticky for Swiss,” RoboRodent apologized.

  Rex laughed; he preferred people to machines, but he knew the value of RoboRodent’s metal creations.

  “I have the same problem with my human minions sometimes. Okay, I’ll take Chedda.”

  Rex jumped into a saddle on Chedda’s back and RoboRodent grabbed a handle on Goudda’s head. The rats avoided the pyramid’s front steps (which were likely to be full of traps) and instead climbed quietly up the side of the pyramid. Dozens of small metal mice led the way, and the massive bulk of Swiss followed close behind. A squadron of microbat drones fluttered overhead, scouting for traps, enemies or insects. The army of rodents moved in dreadful and efficient silence.

  There was something Rex just had to ask.

  “Have you ever considered building robots that aren’t… you know, rodent–shaped?”

  “I’m not sure what you mean,” RoboRodent asked in genuine confusion.

  “Rodents are cool, sure, but have you ever considered a dragon or something like that?” continued Rex.

  “I don’t think that would work,” said RoboRodent coldly.

  Chedda’s massive head swung around to glare at Rex, its red eyes showing its displeasure. It snapped its teeth aggressively.

  “Right. Sorry, it was just a stupid thought,” apologized Rex quickly.

  “That’s okay. Rodents just make sense, you know?”

  Chedda nodded in approval.

  “Sure. And it’s a cool theme, too,” agreed Rex quickly.

  “Maybe… I’ve never really thought about it. Do you really think I should build a metal dragon?”

  “Nah, dragons are boring, rodents are much cooler,” lied Rex, all too aware that every metal rodent around him was listening to his answer.

  Swiss and Goudda gave a deep squeak of approval and the bats chittered overhead.

  “I’ve found an entry,” RoboRodent said.

  “Excellent,” said Rex with uncharacteristic relief at the change of topic.

  The rodent army climbed up to a hidden entrance tunnel that had been cut into the pyramid. Red paint was splattered around the tunnel, and a warning was written above it in dark ink.

  “Death awaits all who enter here,” read RoboRodent without great interest.

  “Right. It’s written in English rather than ancient runes, so I guess someone has been working on this place. Are there traps around here?”

  A dozen metal mice raced into the pyramid. Rex heard a clang and a fireball burst out of the tunnel. One of the mice returned to the tunnel entrance and nodded its tiny head.

  “Not anymore,” said RoboRodent with satisfaction.

  “And what kind of a villainous mind are we dealing with today?” Rex asked.

  “C4 explosives and a flamethrower trap, plus a rolling stone ball that was probably left over from the original pyramid builders. Nothing special.”

  “A little boring,” noted Rex.

  “Yeah… I could do much better. Ah well, after you.”

  They walked down haunted corridors filled with dense spiderwebs and shadows that flicked and flittered along the walls. RoboRodent’s metal minions skittered across the ground, their claws scratching the stone as they scouted for their master. The air smelt old and musty and damp, and strange fungi grew out of bone scattered across the ground. They walked past piles of skulls – mostly from animals – and over odd puddles of rusty metal that might once have been swords.

  Distant laughter rose from deeper in the temple, but was cut off suddenly. The stone walls began to creak and groan. Ancient monsters carved into the stone opened their bright green eyes to watch Rex and RoboRodent pass. The creatures snickered and laughed, their long tongues dripping ichor on the ground. The temple was an evil place; a trap for hope; death for all who entered it.

  “So… what are you up to this weekend?” Rex asked.

  RoboRodent looked around nervously. His bodyguard of metal rodents squeaked as they smelt the air and investigated every vibration in the stone walls. Chedda walked in front of the supervillains in case any traps were triggered by weight.

  “I have another date with Musical Menace, but we don’t have any plans.”

  “You should take her to the Newtopian Opera, they have an antique piano worth millions that I’m sure she would love.”

  “To listen to or steal?”

  “Either. Both. I guess it just depends on how the date goes. Duck!”

  A metal blade sprung out of the roof, passing over their heads and burying itself in a wall so hard that the stone cracked and split. Rex eyed the blade suspiciously – it looked old enough to be one of the temple’s original traps.

  “And?” RoboRodent asked Chedda angrily.

  The giant robot crouched apologetically and squeaked an excuse. RoboRodent shook his head, and Chedda clicked its teeth in shame.

  “Fine! But if it happens again I’ll be taking you back to the scrap heap. What if that had hit Rex? It would have been terrible…I was planning on wearing these shoes on my date and it would have taken all day to clean his blood off them. That’s the kind of thing I want you to think about in the future!”

  Supervillains tend not to worry about each other’s safety.

  “I think we are nearly in the temple’s center,” Rex said, pointing to where the corridor opened into a huge throne room.

  The throne room had a high ceiling held up by long columns set out like ribs. The room was lit by stone hands holding flaming torches that burnt blue and cast deep pools of shadow across the room. The throne itself was a heavy wooden chair that sat at the top of a pile of enormous golden bones.

  “Probably just gold paint,” RoboRodent muttered to Swiss, who nodded knowingly.

  A hunched figure sat on the throne, its face hidden by the black folds of its cloak.

  “Welcome Duke Terror and Lord RoboRodent. I have been waiting for you to visit me,” it said in a whisper that seemed to come from every dark corner at once.

  RoboRodent motioned for his bodyguard of rodents to spread out, and he and Rex jumped off their robot mounts.

  “And who are you?” Rex demanded loudly.

  “I am the Psychic Psycho, and I am going to conquer the world.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE: INSIDE THE TEMPLE

  There is no profit in picking a fight you can’t win. If you feel you must, however, then at least make sure you don’t fight fair.

  –Rex Rogue’s guide for aspiring supervillains, unpublished.

  RoboRodent gulped and took a step backwards, but Rex wasn’t worried. He raised his gun and flicked the safety off.

  “The Psychic Psycho is dead,” he said.

  “No. No–one ever found my body! I am the Psychic Psycho and I live, Duke Terror, I live.”

  “Yeah? If you really are the Psychic Psycho then I’ve got a welcome back present for you,” Rex said, and shot the figure right between its eyes.

  The pulsewave demolished the throne and the stone wall behind it, vaporizing black rock and cement alike. White smoke billowed out and rose up to the tiny windows, but nothing inside it moved. Rex kept his rifle ready, but after a few minutes nothing emerged from the smoke.

  “I think we’re good,” he said.

  Then everything in the room was lifted off the ground and thrown against the walls as if the temple was caught in an earthquake. Rex bounced to his feet as robots and rocks dropped around him like hail. Chedda was thrown into a wall with a loud crack. It lay on its side, sparks shooting out of one side that had split open. Robotic mice were already at work repairi
ng it, but it was clear that Rex’s bodyguard wouldn’t be getting up anytime soon. Rex rolled into the shadows and raised his rifle, but the fake Psychic Psycho was nowhere to be seen. Neither was RoboRodent.

  “Ralph?” Rex called out.

  “I’m fine. Are you sure this guy is a fake?”

  “Yeah. Powerful, though. We can still take him down without any problems.”

  The smoke began to clear, revealing a figure floating over where the throne had once sat.

  “I am the Psychic Psycho,” he boomed.

  He sounded confident enough, but he was floating a little unsteadily in the air and one of his arms was oddly bent. He waved a hand and rocks shot towards Rex, but Rex dodged them easily.

  “Definitely a fake. RoboRodent, would you care to take the lead?”

  “Sure! Swiss, target and attack!”

  “Target: get snack?”

  “No! Fight!”

  “Target: fright!”

  The hulking figure of Swiss leapt into the air and crashed into the fake Psychic Psycho, bringing them both down. The rest of RoboRodent’s army surged forward to help, piling in to form a teeming mass of biting metal bodies. The two supervillains watched from the sidelines as metal and stone were ripped apart.

  “How are you so sure he’s a fake?” RoboRodent asked.

  “The real Psychic Psycho only ever referred to himself as the New Man, remember?”

  “Oh yeah, of course.”

  “No! I am real!” protested the fake supervillain from the ground.

  He pointed at the supervillains and Rex was thrown out of the room, rolling down a corridor and into the darkness. His rifle was sent flying down a set of stairs with a crash as Rex was dragged into a tiny stone room. Heavy doors slammed shut, trapping him. He heard the ominous grinding of gears as the room shrank and the walls and ceiling began to squeeze together. They were going to crush Rex until he was paper thin.

  “Nice one,” said Rex in approval, because supervillains love intricate traps.

  He touched the controls of his teleport belt, but the heavy walls around him glowed red and stopped him from leaving. He tried again, but the trap clearly had some kind of power built into it that stopped him from escaping. The stone walls groaned as they closed in, and Rex sighed.