by Ruby Rowe
Unable to hold in my emotions, I break down and cry. Each shuddering sound is ripping my chest open, and I don’t want the guys to feel my heartache, too.
I cough to get my shit together, and brushing away the tears from my eyes, I search for the strength to say the words I need to utter next.
“I love you both, and every different way is magnificent. I was so miserable, and both of you brought happiness and new beginnings to my life. You gave me closure where I needed it and healed so much of my pain.
“For that reason, I don’t believe I could ever choose between the two of you, and I refuse to prolong this to see. I know what Carrie means to me, and your friendship should come before a girl. I won’t be the reason it crumbles.”
“Sailor, you’re not just some chick, and I’m sorry I got so angry,” Jake says.
I hold my hand up. “I’m not mad at you. I understand why you were upset about the accident, but it doesn’t change anything.”
I swallow again, fighting not to fall apart. “Maybe years from now, we can all be friends and laugh at this whole ordeal.”
“You know that’s total bullshit,” Elliott says.
“Please leave.”
He strides toward me, and I take several steps back.
“After all the years we lost and the chance we finally have, I won’t let you give up this easily.”
“It’s not me giving up. It’s me stepping aside so your friendship can remain intact. Now, for the last time, get out of my hotel room since this is quickly becoming another one of the worst days of my life.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Elliott
Me: When are you getting home? I’m here, and we need to talk about Sailor.
Jake: Just parked, but I don’t see how we can fix this fucked-up situation.
I pace in the living room, waiting for Jake to come in. We haven’t seen each other in three days. That’s how long it’s been since we left Sailor’s hotel room, cursing each other all the way to our cars.
I went to work, and this is my first day back home. I texted Sailor a few times this week, but she told me she didn’t want to talk.
Jake walks inside, so I sit on the couch. He shoves his keys in the front pocket of his jeans and takes the chair next to me on my left.
“Have you tried to talk to Sailor?” I ask.
“Yep, and she wants no part of it.”
“Same.”
“I want to talk about the accident before we discuss anything else.”
Puffing out a breath, I lean my head back against the cushion.
“What do you want to know?”
“I need to hear what happened from your mouth to determine if I should be pissed about it.”
“Sailor was telling the truth when she said I didn’t know. She gave the statement to the police before I ever spoke to them. Our parents figured out the truth, but they came to the agreement that none of us would tell.
“Jake, I swear I tried to get Sailor to change her story, to tell the truth, but she wouldn’t budge, and after our parents plotted, they fed me all this bullshit about how it would be worse for Sailor and our families if we came clean.”
“That’s messed up that her own parents would let her live with that.”
“I know. It’s how they were raised and then we were raised. A scandal is the last thing a family like ours wants. They knew it would fuck with their reputations, along with our chances at Ivy League educations. That’s all they cared about.
“But, don’t think for a second that I haven’t lived with the guilt of that night every day since. It’s killed me all these years, and I couldn’t tell a soul. Add the fact I was never supposed to see Sailor again, and the last decade has been a bitch.”
“I’m sorry, bro. I get why you’re the way you are now. It makes sense why Sailor was so freaked out to see you, too. Damn, then there was the baby news on top of it...” He shakes his head. “It’s crazy.”
“I know, and I hope you understand why there have been times I’ve gotten pissed at you. Rebecca’s death wasn’t your fault, but whenever I couldn’t bear the guilt, it was easier to think that you sleeping with her created the chain reaction, but in reality, it didn’t even begin there. Our twisted upbringings started it all.”
Jake nods slowly as if he’s trying to piece together the dysfunction.
“I guess we’re cool then, and I’d like to put the past behind us, too. What did you want to talk about?”
“I think we should reconsider your idea of sharing Sailor.”
He shakes his head. “I don’t think so. You say that now, but you’ll try to get in her head and convince her to pick you.”
“I swear I won’t do that. I see now how serious she was about not choosing, and I wouldn’t risk losing her again.”
“I still don’t know. Every time I had to see you two together, it pissed me off.”
“Maybe it was only because you were worried you’d lose her. If we’re not competing, and we set some basic rules and boundaries, it may work. We can worry about the serious shit and commitments later.
“Like you said, that stuff might work itself out over time. Someone’s feelings could change, meaning someone could want out, but right now, Sailor needs the pressure off her.”
Jake grins. “Are you saying I was right for once?”
“You were right for thinking she’d bail. I should’ve known the guilt would get to her, but I guess I thought I’d win her over before then. I’d rather share her with my best friend than have all three of us miserable.”
“Best friend, huh? You’re really laying it on thick.”
I roll my eyes and smile. “Tell me we’re going to get our girl back.”
“I’m not sure she’d go for it. Sailor’s got a wild side, but she’s also self-conscious and may overthink it.”
Contemplating whether to tell him what I’m thinking, I drag my teeth over my bottom lip.
“I’m going to confess something, and don’t get pissed.”
“OK.”
“The night you fucked Sailor over our dining room table, I was on the terrace, watching.”
“What the fuck?”
“Yeah, sorry, bro, but it all happened so fast, and I didn’t know if I should stop it. I guess a part of me wanted to know how she acted with you. Anyway, she fucking liked that I was watching.”
Jake’s eyes widen. “She knew?”
“She saw me, and I thought she’d stop you two, and freak out, but instead, she let me watch, and I’m pretty damn sure she enjoyed it.”
He smirks. “Did you enjoy seeing my pecker?”
“Fuck no, but I enjoyed seeing her enjoy it. All I’m trying to say is she might go along with more than you think if she truly wants to be with both of us.
“Look …” I continue, “after all the pain I caused her over the years, I’ll give her anything she wants. If she only wants us to share her separately, when the other is not around, I’ll do it. If she wants to be with both of us at the same time, I’ll do it.”
I might have to wipe the smirk off Jake’s face before it embarrasses me any further.
“I think you liked watching me fuck your girl.”
“I think you need to stop being a douchebag before I change my mind.”
“All right. I agree to make it work if she will. Before we sort out the specifics, we first need to see if she’s willing, and maybe the best way to do that is to show her we’re capable of sharing.”
I grin at him. “I think you want to watch me fuck your girl.”
“Shut up, asshole. I love her … you love her. We have to make sure she doesn’t feel like we’re cheapening her. What happens from here on out is going to be Sailor’s decision.”
Walking over to me, he holds out his hand. “Agreed?”
“Agreed,” I reply, giving him a firm hand shake.
“Let me shower, and then we’ll go get our girl.”
Sailor
I put the lid on my room service dinn
er plate and slouch on the sofa. My life is pathetic. I’m living in a hotel and have virtually no one I care about to see or talk to.
Carrie’s across the Pacific, my parents extended their stay in Europe after knowing my freaking apartment burned down, and last, but definitely not least, I lost the two most important men to me because I was indecisive and a coward.
“Smart move, Sailor. Instead of breaking one heart, you managed to break three.” Shit, I’m even talking to myself. This is what my life has become.
Scrunching my forehead, I lift my chin. No, I won’t regret my decision. I love them both, and they wanted me to choose, which they rightfully deserved, but I couldn’t give my whole heart to only one of them.
I did what was best.
Hearing a knock on the door, I set my tray on the coffee table and get up to answer it. I try to remember if I ordered something else from room service and forgot.
“Shit,” I say when I open the door and find Elliott and Jake standing before me. “What are you two doing here?”
“We want to talk.”
I shake my head. “No, you can’t force me to choose.” I need to ensure they understand me loud and clear. “Trust me; I’ve tried to do it, and I can’t.”
“We believe you,” Elliott says.
“Just hear us out,” Jake adds. I bite the inside of my cheek as my eyes bounce between the guys. They seem excited, almost happy even. Why is that?
“OK, fine. Come in.” As soon as I have the door shut, Elliott gives me a hug. My eyes grow round as I look at Jake behind him, but Jake’s shielding a smile. I see it. He gives me a hug next, and Elliott doesn’t seem fazed by it.
“OK, what’s up with you two? You’re acting strange.” Remembering I don’t have a bra on, I cross my arms over the Harvard sweatshirt Elliott bought me. I’m in my black yoga pants, too.
“We have a proposition. Sit down, and we’ll tell you about it,” Jake says before he takes my hand and leads me to the sofa. He sits next to me, and Elliott takes the loveseat to our right. I gauge his reaction, but he doesn’t seem angry that Jake is sitting by me.
Feeling nervous, I tuck my long hair behind my ear, wishing I could’ve run a brush through it. It’s tangled after my day of teaching.
Geez, they’re making me self-conscious, and it doesn’t help that they smell like they recently showered. I’m getting a whiff of Jake’s citrusy scent and Elliott’s clean, ocean fragrance. Hell, I need a shower now, too.
“Can someone speak?”
“This was your idea in the beginning,” Elliott says to Jake, smirking. “You tell her.” What come to Jesus meeting did these two have? Jake rests his hand on my thigh.
“You know how we were supposed to be sharing you?”
“Yeah, I guess that’s what you could call it, and the plan failed.”
“We want to try again, and we promise to be good at it.”
I raise my eyebrows. “Good at it? What does that even mean? Are you saying you won’t get jealous? If so, I don’t believe it, and that doesn’t change that I eventually have to choose, and that will only get harder the longer I love you both, and the stronger that love gets—”
Jake turns my head and smothers my mouth with his. My first instinct is to pull away, since Elliott’s in the room, but I resist the urge. Maybe this is a test to see if they can refrain from losing their shit on each other.
My body trembles as Jake lets my lips go. I look over at Elliott, and other than noticing how his chest is rising and falling fast, he seems to be keeping his cool.
“Seriously, what’s happening?” I ask. “You two are stressing me out.”
“We don’t want to lose you, so we’ll do whatever you want to ensure that doesn’t happen,” Elliott replies.
“That’s not fair to either of you.”
“It’s fair if we don’t mind. We mean it, Sailor. We don’t want to lose you, so we’d like to be in relationships with you–at the same time.”
I scoot away from Jake to the end of the couch, leaving my hope behind. I don’t feel I’m worthy of having it.
“I’m not special, and although the phrase you can’t have your cake and eat it too is stupid, I get it. I shouldn’t be allowed to indulge in white wedding cake and decadent red velvet, too.”
“We’re not talking about marriage right now,” Jake says.
“You know what I meant.”
“Answer my question honestly. Would you be open to the idea if you thought we were cool with it?”
“What about people finding out?”
“You’re overthinking it,” Elliott interjects. “No one has to know, but even if someone finds out, fuck them if they judge us. Think about the members of our families and the shameful decisions they’ve made. Even Jake has family that isn’t perfect.”
He points to his best friend, himself and me. “The three people in this room are who I care about. Our happiness is what matters, so answer the question without giving a damn what anyone outside of this room thinks.”
“OK. As long as it didn’t upset you two in any way, I’d be willing to try again. I do worry about what could happen down the road. I mean, if I sense that one of you are unhappy, it’ll upset me. I don’t feel like I deserve to have love from both of you.”
“If you give it back to us like you already have, then we’re not losing.”
“Agreed,” Jake says. “You have the biggest heart, Sailor, and you were making time for both of us. We’re the ones who fucked it up, not you.”
“When would I see each of you?”
“We’ll try to balance the time,” he replies. “I’m sure it’ll get tricky, but we’ll even it out the best we can. You can make the final call.”
“So, would you only come stay at my place?”
Elliott and Jake exchange looks before Elliott walks over to me.
“Sit between us.” I scoot over, making room for him.
“We want you to move back into the condo.”
“I don’t know. I’ll feel bad if I’m in one of your beds while the other is home. Or, what if I’m sitting in front of the fireplace with you, like last week, and Jake comes home, wanting my attention?”
“We share it. We compromise,” Jake replies.
“This is crazy. I’m sure I’ll feel bad at times.”
Elliott slides his hand up my thigh. “You shouldn’t if we don’t, and we’re telling you that we’re committed to making this work.”
Jake rubs my other thigh, and what the hell?
“Elliott told me you let him watch us fuck.”
“Shit,” I say under my breath. “I didn’t know what to do at the time.”
“Did you like it?”
I brave a look at him, and lust is at the forefront, brimming in his green eyes.
I nod.
“We came over not only to tell you how serious we are but to show you.” Taking hold of my legs, Jake shifts me to face him.
Elliott’s behind me now and moves my hair to the side. I feel his lips on my neck, so I close my eyes, imagining where they’re going with this.
Pressing his mouth to mine, Jake pushes his tongue inside, and I’m wondering if I’ll wake up from a dream where the two men I love have been kissing me.
Elliott reaches his hands around me and snakes them up under my sweatshirt. He massages my breasts, and my body trembles, every nerve on fire, as I kiss Jake and whimper into his mouth.
“If you don’t want us to touch you at the same time, we’ll stop. Do you want this?” Elliott whispers in my ear.
I moan, letting him know I do. He tugs on my nipples, pulling them out, getting me so turned on it hurts. Jake grazes his fingers between my legs, and there’s so much stimulation and sensations, and I think I could come this moment if I let go.
Never in my life have I thought I’d be in a threesome, and never did I think it would be with two men I love–men who both love me. It’s too good to be true, and if this is a dream, I pray I never wake up.
I slide one hand into Jake’s thick hair and reach back to grip Elliott’s, too. Realizing I’m certain about this, they make their own hungry sounds, seeming to want this as much as I do.
Releasing my lips, Jake stares into my eyes and continues to tease me between my legs, rubbing my pussy over my yoga pants.
“Say you’ll give us another chance,” he commands.
Elliott sucks on my earlobe, and I close my eyes again.
“You two came over here to seduce me.”
“Is it working?” Elliott murmurs before he nips at my neck.
“Yes.”
“Tell me you’ll move back in with us and give us another chance.”
“OK … I’ll do it.”
“Now, tell us to fuck you.” Pinching my nipples hard, he tugs on them again, and I cry out.
“Damn, the look on your face,” Jake says. I open my eyes, and his jaw’s clenched, his lips parted, too, as he takes shallow breaths.
“Fuck me,” I say. The words sound foreign, as if they’re coming out of another woman’s mouth, since this girl would never tell two guys to have their way with her.
Elliott gets off the couch and takes my hand. I stand, and Jake sidles up behind me, holding my waist as Elliott leads us into my bedroom.
Is this really happening? As Elliott pulls back the duvet and sheet, Jake strips. My feet are glued to one spot, and I’m shaking, wondering what to do and how this will work.
They both get naked, and the room is silent other than the sounds of their clothes hitting the floor. Elliott takes my hand again and directs me to the bed. Gripping my sweatshirt, he slowly pulls it over my head.
“Try not to be so nervous. We all want this.” He bends down and removes my pants and thong. His cock’s hard, and I notice Jake’s is, as well, as he walks around to the other side of the bed and tosses a condom on it.
My mind immediately jumps to wondering who plans on fucking me. Is that when they’ll argue? Are they going to realize then that they’re not OK with this?
“Baby, relax,” Elliott breathes in my ear. “Get on the bed and spread out.”
“Shit, your serious,” I murmur as I do what he says. “Is this really happening?”
