The Tinted Venus: A Farcical Romance

by F. Anstey

  AN APPEAL

  XII.

  "If you did know to whom I gave the ring, If you did know for whom I gave the ring, And how unwillingly I left the ring, You would abate the strength of your displeasure."

  _Merchant of Venice._

  Leander strode down the street in a whirl of conflicting emotions. Atthe very moment when he seemed to have prevailed over Miss Parkinson'smachinations, his evil fate had stepped in and undone him for ever! Whatwould become of him without Matilda? As he was thinking of his gloomyprospects, he noticed, for the first time, that the statue was keepingstep by his side, and he turned on her with smothered rage. "Well," hebegan, "I hope you're satisfied?"

  "Quite, Leander, quite satisfied; for have I not found you?"

  "Oh, you've found me right enough," he replied, with a groan--"trust youfor that! What I should like to know is, how the dickens you did it?"

  "Thus," she replied: "I awoke, and it was dark, and you were not there,and I needed you; and I went forth, and called you by your name. Andyou, now that you have hearkened to my call, you are happy, are younot?"

  "Me?" said Leander, grimly. "Oh, I'm regular jolly, I am! Haven't Ireason?"

  "Your sisters seemed alarmed at my coming," she said. "Why?"

  "Well," said Leander, "they aren't used to having marble goddessesdropping in on them promiscuously."

  "The youngest wept: was it because I took you from her side?"

  "I shouldn't wonder," he returned gruffly. "Don't bother me!"

  When they were both safely within the little upper room again, he openedthe cupboard door wide. "Now, marm," he said, in a voice which trembledwith repressed rage, "you must be tired with the exercise you've tookthis evening, and I'll trouble you to walk in here."

  "There are many things on which I would speak with you," she said.

  "You must keep them for next time," he answered roughly. "If you can seeanything, you can see that just now I'm not in a temper for to stand it,whatever I may be another evening."

  "Why do I suffer this language from you?" she demandedindignantly--"why?"

  "If you don't go in, you'll hear language you'll like still less,goddess or no goddess!" he said, foaming. "I mean it. I've been workedup past all bearing, and I advise you to let me alone just now, oryou'll repent it!"

  "Enough!" she said haughtily, and stalked proudly into the lonely niche,which he closed instantly. As he did so, he noticed his Sunday paperslying still folded on his table, and seized one eagerly.

  "It may have something in it about what Jauncy was telling me of," hesaid; and his search was rewarded by the following paragraph:--

  "DARING CAPTURE OF BURGLARS IN BLOOMSBURY.--On the night of Friday, the--th, Police-constable Yorke, B 954, while on duty, in the course of oneof his rounds, discovered two men, in a fainting condition and coveredwith blood, which was apparently flowing from sundry wounds upon theirpersons, lying against the railings of Queen Square. Being unable togive any coherent account of themselves, and housebreaking implementsbeing found in their possession, they were at once removed to the BowStreet Station, where, the charge having been entered against them, theywere recognized by a member of the force as two notorious housebreakerswho have long been 'wanted' in connection with the Camberwell burglary,in which, as will be remembered, an officer lost his life."

  The paragraph went on to give their names and sundry other details, andconcluded with a sentence which plunged Leander into fresh torments:--

  "In spite of the usual caution, both prisoners insisted uponvolunteering a statement, the exact nature of which has not yettranspired, but which is believed to have reference to another equallymysterious outrage--the theft of the famous Venus from the WricklesmarshCollection--and is understood to divert suspicion into a hithertounsuspected channel."

  What could this mean, if not that those villains, smarting under theirsecond failure, had denounced him in revenge? He tried to persuadehimself that the passage would bear any other construction, but not verysuccessfully. "If they have brought _me_ in," he thought, and it was hisonly gleam of consolation, "I should have heard of it before this."

  And even this gleam vanished as a sharp knocking was heard below; and,descending to open the door, he found his visitor to be InspectorBilbow.

  "Evening, Tweddle," said the Inspector, quietly. "I've come to haveanother little talk with you."

  Leander thought he would play his part till it became quite hopeless."Proud to see you, Mr. Inspector," he said. "Will you walk into mysaloon? and I'll light the gas for you."

  "No, don't you trouble yourself," said the terrible man. "I'll walkupstairs where you're sitting yourself, if you've no objections."

  Leander dared not make any, and he ushered the detective upstairsaccordingly.

  "Ha!" said the latter, throwing a quick eye round the little room. "Nicelittle crib you've got here. Keep everything you want on the premises,eh? Find those cupboards very convenient, I dare say?"

  "Very," said Leander (like the innocent Joseph Surface that he was);"oh, very convenient, sir." He tried to keep his eyes from resting tooconsciously upon the fatal door that held his secret.

  "Keep your coal and your wine and spirits there?" said the detective.(Was he watching his countenance, or not?)

  "Y--yes," said Leander; "leastways, in one of them. Will you takeanything, sir?"

  "Thank 'ee, Tweddle; I don't mind if I do. And what do you keep in theother one, now?"

  "The other?" said the poor man. "Oh, odd things!" (He certainly had_one_ odd thing in it.)

  After the officer had chosen and mixed his spirits and water, he began:"Now, you know what's brought me here, don't you?"

  ("If he was sure, he wouldn't try to pump me," argued Leander. "I won'tthrow up just yet.")

  "I suppose it's the ring," he replied innocently. "You don't mean to sayyou've got it back for me, Mr. Inspector? Well, I _am_ glad."

  "I thought you set no particular value on the ring when I met you last?"said the other.

  "Why," said Leander, "I may have said so out of politeness, not wantingto trouble you; but, as you said it was the statue you were afterchiefly, why, I don't mind admitting that I shall be thankful indeed toget that ring back. And so you've brought it, have you, sir?"

  He said this so naturally, having called in all his powers ofdissimulation to help him in his extremity, that the detective wasfavourably impressed. He had already felt a suspicion that he had beensent here on a fool's errand, and no one could have looked less like adaring criminal, and the trusted confederate of still more daringruffians, than did Leander at that moment.

  "Heard anything of Potter lately?" he asked, wishing to try the effectof a sudden _coup_.

  "I don't know the gentleman," said Leander, firmly; for, after all, hedid not.

  "Now, take care. He's been seen to frequent this house. We know morethan you think, young man."

  "Oh! if he bluffs, _I_ can bluff too," passed through Leander's mind."Inspector Bilbow," he said, "I give you my sacred honour, I've neverset eyes on him. He can't have been here, not with my knowledge. It's mybelief you're trying to make out something against me. If you're afriend, Inspector, you'll tell me straight out."

  "That's not our way of doing business; and yet, hang it, I ought to knowan honest man by this time! Tweddle, I'll drop the investigator, andspeak as man to man. You've been reported to me (never mind by whom) asthe receiver of the stolen Venus--a pal of this very Potter--that's whatI've against you, my man!"

  "I know who told you that," said Leander; "it was that Count and hisprecious friend Braddle!"

  "Oh, you know them, do you? That's an odd guess for an innocent man,Tweddle!"

  "They found me out from inquiries at the gardens," said Leander; "and asfor guessing, it's in this very paper. So it's me they've gone andimplicated, have they? All right. I suppose they're men whose word you'dgo by, wouldn't you, sir--truthful, reliable kind of parties, eh?"

  "None of that, Tweddl
e," said the Inspector, rather uneasily. "Weofficers are bound to follow up any clue, no matter where it comes from.I was informed that that Venus is concealed somewhere about thesepremises. It may be, or it may not be; but it's my duty to make theproper investigations. If you were a prince of the blood, it would beall the same."

  "Well, all I can say is, that I'm as innocent as my own toiletpreparations. Ask yourself if it is likely. What could _I_ do with astolen statue--not to mention that I'm a respectable tradesman, with areputation to maintain? Excuse me, but I'm afraid those burglars havebeen 'aving a lark with you, sir."

  He went just a little too far here, for the detective was visiblyirritated.

  "Don't chatter to me," he said. "If you're innocent, so much the betterfor you; if that statue is found here after this, it will ruin you. Ifyou know anything, be it ever so little, about it, the best thing youcan do is to speak out while there's time."

  "I can only say, once more, I'm as innocent as the drivelling snow,"repeated Leander. "Why can't you believe my word against thoseblackguards?"

  "Perhaps I do," said the other; "but I must make a formal look round, toease my conscience."

  Leander's composure nearly failed him. "By all means," he said atlength. "Come and ease your conscience all over the house, sir, do; Ican show you over."

  "Softly," said the detective. "I'll begin here, and work gradually up,and then down again."

  "Here?" said Leander, aghast. "Why, you've seen all there is there!"

  "Now, Tweddle, I shall conduct this my own way, if _you_ please. I'vebeen following your eyes, Tweddle, and they've told me tales. I'lltrouble you to open that cupboard you keep looking at so."

  "This cupboard?" cried Leander. "Why, you don't suppose I've got theVenus in there, sir!"

  "If it's anywhere, it's there! There's no taking me in, I tell you. Openit!"

  "Oh!" said Leander, "it is hard to be the object of these cruelsuspicions. Mr. Inspector, listen to me. I can't open that cupboard, andI'll tell you why.... You--you've been young yourself.... Think howyou'd feel in my situation ... and consider _her_! As a gentleman, youwon't press it, I'm sure!"

  "If I'm making any mistake, I shall know how to apologise," said theInspector. "If you don't open that cupboard, _I_ shall."

  "Never!" exclaimed Leander. "I'll die first!" and he threw himself uponthe handle.

  The other caught him by the shoulders, and sent him twirling into theopposite corner; and then, taking a key from his own pocket, he openedthe door himself.

  "I--I never encouraged her!" whimpered Leander, as he saw that all waslost.

  The officer had stepped back in silence from the cupboard; then he facedLeander, with a changed expression. "I suppose you think yourselfdevilish sharp?" he said savagely; and Leander discovered that thecupboard was as bare as Mother Hubbard's!

  He was not precisely surprised, except at first. "She's keeping out ofthe way; she wouldn't be the goddess she is if she couldn't do atrifling thing like that!" was all he thought of the phenomenon. Heforced himself to laugh a little.

  "Excuse me," he said, "but you did seem so set on detecting somethingwrong, that I couldn't help humouring you!"

  Inspector Bilbow was considerably out of humour, and gave Leander tounderstand that he would laugh in a certain obscure region, known as"the other side of his face," by-and-by. "You take care, that's myadvice to you, young man. I've a deuced good mind to arrest you onsuspicion as it is!" he said hotly.

  "Lor', sir!" said Leander, "what for--for not having anything in thatcupboard?"

  "It's my belief you know more than you choose to tell. Be that as itmay, I shall not take you into custody for the present; but you payattention to what I'm going to tell you next. Don't you attempt to leavethis house, or to remove anything from it, till you see me again, andthat'll be some time to-morrow evening. If you do attempt it, you'll beapprehended at once, for you're being watched. I tell you that for yourown sake, Tweddle; for I've no wish to get you into trouble if you actfairly by me. But mind you stay where you are for the next twenty-fourhours."

  "And what's to happen then?" said Leander.

  "I mean to have the whole house thoroughly searched and you must beready to give us every assistance--that's what's to happen. I might makea secret of it; but where's the use? If you're not a fool, you'll seethat it won't do to play any tricks. You'd far better stand by me thanPotter."

  "I tell you I don't know Potter. _Blow_ Potter!" said Leander, warmly.

  "We shall see," was all the detective deigned to reply; "and just beready for my men to-morrow evening, or take the consequences. Those aremy last words to you!"

  And with this he took his leave. He was by no means the most brilliantofficer in the Department, and he felt uncomfortably aware that he didnot see his way clear as yet. He could not even make up his mind on soelementary a point as Leander's guilt or innocence.

  But he meant to take the course he had announced, and his frankness ingiving previous notice was not without calculation. He argued thus: IfTweddle was free from all complicity, nothing was lost by delaying thesearch for a day; if he were guilty, he would be more than mortal if hedid not attempt, after such a warning, either to hide his booty moresecurely, and probably leave traces which would betray him, or else toescape when his guilt would be manifest.

  Unfortunately, there were circumstances in the case which he could notbe expected to know, and which made his logic inapplicable.

  After he had gone, Leander thrust his hands deep into his pockets, andbegan to whistle forlornly. "A little while ago it was burglars--nowit's police!" he reflected aloud. "I'm going it, I am! And then there'sMatilda and that there Venus--one predickyment on top of another!" (Buthere a sudden hope lightened his burden.) "Suppose she's took herselfoff for good?" He was prevented from indulging this any further by along, low laugh, which came from the closed cupboard.

  "No such luck--she's back again!" he groaned. "Oh, _come_ out if youwant to. Don't stay larfin' at me in there!"

  The goddess stepped out, with a smile of subdued mirth upon her lips."Leander," she said, "did it surprise you just now that I had vanished?"

  "Oh," he said wearily, "I don't know--yes, I suppose so. You found someway of getting through at the back, I dare say?"

  "Do you think that even now I cannot break through the petty restraintsof matter?"

  "Well, however it was managed, it was cleverly done. I must say that. Ididn't hardly expect it of you. But you must do the same to-morrownight, mind you!"

  "Must I, indeed?" she said.

  "Yes, unless you want to ruin me altogether, you must. They're going tosearch the premises _for you_!"

  "I have heard all," she said. "But give yourself no anxiety: by thattime you and I will be beyond human reach."

  "Not me," he corrected. "If you think I'm going to let myself be waftedover to Cyprus (which is British soil now, let me tell you), you'reunder a entire delusion. I've never been wafted anywhere yet, and Idon't mean to try it!"

  All her pent-up wrath broke forth and descended upon him with crushingforce.

  "Meanest and most contemptible of mortal men, you shall recognize me asthe goddess I am! I have borne with you too long; it shall end thisnight. Shallow fool that you have been, to match your puny intellectagainst a goddess famed for her wiles as for her beauty! You havethought me simple and guileless; you have never feared to treat me withdisrespect; you have even dared to suppose that you could keep me--animmortal--pent within these wretched walls! I humoured you; I let youfool yourself with the notion that your will was free--your soul yourown. Now that is over! Consider the perils which encircle you.Everything has been aiding to drive you into these arms. My hour oftriumph is at hand--yield, then! Cast yourself at my feet, and grovelfor pardon--for mercy--or assuredly I will spare you not!"

  Leander went down on all fours on the hearthrug. "Mercy!" he cried,feebly. "I've meant no offence. Only tell me what you want of me."

  LEANDER WENT DOWN ON ALL FOURS ON
THE HEARTH-RUG.]

  "Why should I tell you again? I demand the words from you which placeyou within my power: speak them at once!"

  ("Ah," thought Leander, "I am not in her power as it is, then.") "If Iwas to tell you once more that I couldn't undertake to say any suchwords?" he asked aloud.

  "Then," she said, "my patience would be at an end, and I would scatteryour vile frame to the four winds of heaven!"

  "Lady Venus," said Leander, getting up with a white and desperate face,"don't drive me into a corner. I can't go off, not at a moment'snotice--in either way! I--I must have a day--only a day--to make myarrangements in. Give me a day, Lady Venus; I ask it as a particklerfavour!"

  "Be it so," she said. "One day I give you in which to take leave ofsuch as may be dear to you; but, after that, I will listen to no furtherpleadings. You are mine, and, all unworthy as you are, I shall hold youto your pledge!"

  Leander was left with this terrible warning ringing in his ears: thegoddess would hold him to his involuntary pledge. Even he could see thatit was pride, and not affection, which rendered her so determined; andhe trembled at the thought of placing himself irrevocably in her power.

  But what was he to do? The alternative was too awful; and then, ineither case, he must lose Matilda. Here the recollection of how he hadleft her came over him with a vivid force. What must she be thinking ofhim at that moment? And who would ever tell her the truth, when he hadbeen spirited away for ever?

  "Oh, Matilda!" he cried, "if you only knew the hidgeous position I'min--if you could only advise me what to do--I could bear it better!"

  And then he resolved that he would ask that advice without delay, anddecide nothing until she replied. There was no reason for any furtherconcealment: she had seen the statue herself, and must know the worst.What she could not know was his perfect innocence of any realunfaithfulness to her, and that he must explain.

  He sat up all night composing a letter that should touch her to theheart, with the following result:--

  "MY OWN DEAREST GIRL,

  "If such you will still allow me to qualify you, I write to you in a state of mind that I really 'ardly know what I am about, but I cannot indure making no effort to clear up the gaping abiss which the events of the past fatal afternoon has raised betwixt us.

  "In spite of all I could do, you have now seen, and been justly alarmed at, the Person with whom I allowed myself to become involved in such a unhappy and unprecedented manner, and having done so, you can think for yourself whether that Art of Stone was able for to supplant yours for a single moment, though the way in which such a hidgeous Event transpired I can not trust my pen to describe except in the remark that it was purely axidental. It all appened on that ill-ominous Saturday when we went down to those Gardens where my Doom was saving up to lay in wait for me, and I scorn to deny that Bella's sister Ada was one of the party. But as to anything serous in that quarter, oh Tilly the ole time I was contrasting you with her and thinking how truly superior, and never did I swerve not what could be termed a swerve for a instant. I did dance arf a walz with her--but why? Because she asked me to it and as a Gentleman I was bound to oblige! And that was afterwards too, when I had put that ring on which is the sauce of all my recent aggony. All the while I was dancing my thoughts were elsewhere--on how I could get the ring back again, for so I still hoped I could, though when I came to have a try, oh my dear girl no one couldn't persuade her she's that obstinate, and yet unless I do it is all over with me, and soon too!

  "And now if it's the last time I shall ever write words with a mortal pen, I must request your support in this dilemmer which is sounding its dread orns at my very door!

  "You know what she is and who she is, and you cannot doubt but what she's a _goddess_ loath as you must feel to admit such a thing, and I ask you if it would be downright wicked in me to do what she tells me I must do. Indeed I wont do it, being no less than flying with her immediate to a distant climb, and you know how repugnant I am to such a action--not if you advise me against it or even if you was but to assure me your affections were unchanged in spite of all! But you know we parted under pigulier circs, and I cannot disgise from myself that you may be thinking wuss of me than what Matilda I can honestly say I deserve!

  "Now I tell you solimly that if this is the fact, and you've been thinking of your proper pride and your womanly dignity and things like that--there's _no time for to do it in_ Matilda, if you don't want to break with me for all Eternity!

  "For she's pressing me to carry out the pledge, as she calls it, and I must decide before this time to-morrow, and I want to feel you are not lost to me before I can support my trial, and what with countless perplexities and burglars threatening, and giving false informations, and police searching, there's no saying what I may do nor what I mayn't do if I'm left to myself, for indeed I am very unappy Matilda, and if ever a man was made a Victim through acting without intentions, or if with, of the best--I am that Party! O Matilda don't, don't desert me, unless you have seased to care for me, and in that contingency I can look upon my Fate whatever it be with a apathy that will supply the courage which will not even winch at its approach, but if I am still of value, come, and come precious soon, or it will be too late to the Asistance of

  "Your truly penitent and unfortunate

  "LEANDER TWEDDLE.

  "P.S.--You will see the condition of my feelings from my spelling--I haven't the hart to spell."

  Dawn was breaking as he put the final touches to this appeal, and readit over with a gloomy approbation. He had always cherished theconviction that he could "write a good letter when he was put to it,"and felt now that he had more than risen to the occasion.

  "William shall take it down to Bayswater the first thing to-morrow--no,to-day, I mean," he said, rubbing his hot eyes. "I fancy it will do mybusiness!"

  And it did.