Physis (Phoebe Reede: The Untold Story #4)

by Michelle Irwin

  Mum and Dad cast a meaningful look at one another before Dad nodded.

  “Yeah, he’s kept in contact with us the whole time he’s been in Australia. He and Angel have been asking about you often.”

  I ignored Dad’s comment about Angel, as my chest ached over the loss of my best friend.

  “Can, um . . .” I held out my phone. “Can . . . I don’t suppose you could give me his number? Please?”

  It would have been impossible for Dad to get his phone out of his pocket faster than he did. Less than a minute later, he passed my phone back to me with Beau’s number programmed in.

  “Do—” I swallowed to try to dislodge my heart from my throat. It shouldn’t have been so hard to ask my parents a simple goddamn question. Only it was a question that would determine how the rest of my night might proceed. “Do you think he’d maybe be okay with me calling now?”

  “Yes!” Mum practically screamed the word.

  “Only one way to find out.” Dad had started talking at the same time as Mum. His words trailed off into laughter, no doubt at her exuberance.

  I backed away. “Okay. I’ll, umm, give him a call.”

  They nodded at me as if it was no big deal, but I could see the smile Mum was fighting. Despite what she’d said about Beau when she’d thought I wasn’t listening, I didn’t actually think it was the fact I was calling him that excited her. It was the fact I was calling anyone. Even if it had been Angel I was reaching out to, it would’ve been cause for celebration.

  I waited until I was in my bedroom, sitting on my bed with the phone in hand before I called Beau.

  “Hello?” At the sound of his voice, I hung up the phone and threw it across the bed.

  How the hell am I supposed to do this?

  I can’t, that’s how.

  A second later, the phone started to ring. Fucking caller ID.

  I had to answer it. I wanted to. Except, I also wanted to hide in the closet and ignore the ringing until it went away. The dark, warm space in there was a comfort for me. When I held the door, I held the control. I had no fear of the dark. When it was dark, I was alone. When the lights came on . . .

  “Hello?” I answered as if it was no big deal. As if it was normal to have my head ache with the intensity of my beating heart over a task as simple as answering a fucking phone.

  It sounded like he’d dropped the phone in his surprise before recovering it. “Phoebe? Is that really you?”

  I tried to block out the memories of being on the phone with him. The last time I had been, it was because Hunter had forced me to try to make Beau stop looking for me. “Yeah.”

  “What is it? Are you okay?”

  I could try to keep him on the phone, but the memory teased behind my eyelids and I wasn’t sure how far through the phone call I’d get before I would hang up regardless of whether we’d finished or not. “Can—can you come around?”

  The silence stretched on a beat too long. I wanted to take the words back, to shove them back inside where they couldn’t leave me vulnerable.

  “Now?” His voice sounded strangled.

  “Yeah. If that’s okay.”

  “I’ll be right there.”

  He hadn’t needed anything more than that. I asked; he answered.

  “Thank you,” I whispered into the receiver.

  “See ya soon, darlin’.”

  My body shook with the effort it had taken to stay on the phone and I longed to pick it up, call him back, and tell him not to bother coming. That I’d changed my mind. Something told me that if I did, he wouldn’t push the issue. He was too good. Too sweet. I grabbed my pillow from behind me and hugged it close to my chest.

  Some time later, but soon enough that it told me he was staying nearby, there was a knock on the door. I probably should have left my room to answer it, but I couldn’t. A murmur of hushed conversation carried to me through the silent night. It wasn’t enough that I could hear the words, or even know for certain that it was Beau. But who else could it be? It was then I realised I hadn’t even given him my address. He knew too much about me, was too interested. I wanted to retreat into my skin and hide from him.

  There was a knock on my bedroom door. When I didn’t answer, it pushed open anyway.

  Mum stood at the threshold. “Sweetie, Beau’s here to see you. He said you asked him over. Did you want to see him?”

  Tears burned my eyes as I nodded. My gaze lifted to hers. “Can he come in?”

  “Of course. Whatever you need.”

  I need him to come in.

  No, I need him to go.

  I squeezed my pillow harder and Mum seemed to realise she wasn’t going to get anything more out of me.

  The next knock on my door sent my heart on a lap around my body, sprinting to escape the pain that was sure to follow. “C-come in.”

  “Hey, darlin’,” Beau said. Some of the worry and wariness that had been ever-present in his expression the last couple of times I’d seen him had been washed away. His eyes sparkled in a way they hadn’t the last few times. I tried not to think of the possible reason for that—it was too much for me to handle.

  I reached out in invitation, unable to speak to tell him everything that rested heavy on my chest. He closed the distance between us, leaving the door open behind him.

  “What d’ya need?”

  “You.” The word was a choked sob. “Please don’t leave.”

  He sat at the foot of the bed, carefully keeping his distance. “Hey now, I ain’t goin’ anywhere.”

  “Can you please hold me?”

  He nodded. “But if it becomes too much, can ya let me know? I don’t wanna do this only to push ya away.”

  “I’ll try, but I don’t always know when too much is coming.”

  He swallowed and my gaze followed his Adam’s apple as it bobbed.

  Despite agreeing to hold me, he didn’t move closer. Instead, he offered me one hand. I took it in mine and lifted our joined hands to the side of my head. I stilled as Beau’s fingers found their way into my hair, dreading the moment he’d form his hand into a fist and yank my head to the side like I’d suffered so many times.

  Instead, he left his hand where it was and brushed his thumb along the skin beneath my ear with slow, gentle touches. His breath was shaky as he shuffled a little closer on the bed.

  “How’s this?” he asked.

  I closed my eyes and leant against the gentle touch. “Perfect.”

  We sat like that, silent and connected by such an innocent touch, and yet it spoke to my heart louder than any declaration of the three words we’d shared before ever could.

  “Can you stay the night?”

  “Darlin’, I can do anythin’ ya want me to do, ’kay? Ya need only ask.”

  I moved away from his touch, and he let my hair slip through his fingers. With a dry mouth and my head just about exploding from the screaming inside, I turned my back on Beau and walked around to the other side of the bed.

  Finding my comfortable position wasn’t easy with Beau’s gaze resting on me, but eventually I found it and settled into bed. I twisted to find Beau waiting for instruction.

  I offered him my hand again, and wordlessly guided his body behind me and his arm around my waist. He kept an inch of space between us. I appreciated it even though I didn’t want it.

  “Can you hold me closer, please?”

  He shifted closer so that his body was flush with mine. “How’s that?”

  “Terrifying,” I admitted.

  He went to draw back, but I rested my hand on his arm to stop him.

  “But welcome,” I finished. I had no idea what Mum and Dad would say about him spending the night. Neither did I know whether it was a good idea, but I needed it more than I cared to admit. Needed him more than I wanted to let myself.

  I closed my eyes and tried to sleep.

  “Phoebe.” Beau’s voice was soft and gentle in my ear.

  I tensed as I anticipated the words he might say next. I w
anted to stop him, knowing I couldn’t cope with any whispered declarations while he was so close to me.

  “Dr Bradshaw and me, we don’t talk ’bout ya,” he continued.

  The words were miles from what I’d expected so I twisted in his hold. “What?”

  “Today, you said we had no right talkin’ ’bout ya and you’re right. But we don’t talk ’bout ya.”

  “Then how is she helping you help me?”

  “She’s teachin’ me techniques to help to not startle ya. To stop and wait when all I wanna do is rush to your side and hold ya. But they’re techniques for lots of folks, not just you. I don’t even know if she knows what ya are to me.”

  It was exactly what I needed to hear to pacify the demons that had swum in my mind as I’d run from the therapy session. “I guess that’s okay.”

  We fell silent again, and his breath tickled against the back of my neck.

  “Beau?”

  “Yeah?”

  “What am I to you?”

  He froze, his body locking in place at my words.

  “What is it?” I asked, sensing his panic as clear as I could my own.

  “I-I don’t know how to answer that. Not without scarin’ ya away.”

  “Can you answer it anyway?” It was a dangerous request, but I couldn’t leave it without a response.

  His breath brushed across my neck as he whispered, “Darlin’, you’re my everythin’.”

  IT WAS COSY and warm, not cold and dank like I was used to.

  The scent lingering nearby was pleasant. Inviting. I went to twist toward it, but couldn’t move my hands. A weight pinned them in place. Instantly my mind was filled with his voice.

  “Wake up, beautiful, I’m here for our date. I brought a movie for us to watch together.”

  His weight over the top of the thin blanket pinned me to the bed.

  I couldn’t move. A blood-curdling shriek left my lips as I struggled to fight free. I kept my eyes screwed tightly shut, not wanting to see him again. “Go away! I don’t love you. I don’t.” I sucked down just enough air to keep screaming. “I never will. Leave me alone. Just let me go.”

  The door smashed against the wall as someone rushed into the room.

  The hands that had pinned me to the bed moments earlier battled me—deflecting my wild blows, but never holding me down again. Although it seemed as though he was purposefully avoiding grabbing my wrists, I wouldn’t have let him get a hold of me even if he were trying.

  “Phoebe!” Mum’s worried voice floated to me like a dream.

  “Dawson,” a quiet voice whispered in my ear, forcing my eyes to open.

  The pity in Beau’s gaze made me want to shut them again to force out reality.

  Instead, I faced it all as I glanced around at the three people in the room with me. Mum, Dad, and Beau. They all wore matching looks of pity and concern. Despite my dazed, barely woken state, it didn’t escape my attention that neither Mum nor Dad had anything to say about Beau’s sleepover. At least, not yet.

  “Pheebs, are you okay?” Beth skidded into the room in her pyjamas, stopping short when she saw Beau. All colour drained from her face as her eyes widened. A beat later, she gave a scream that rivalled the one that had left me.

  “Stranger danger!” she shrieked, pointing at Beau before turning tail and running from the room with Dad hot on her heels. Any confidence she’d found as she’d grown older had been wiped away with my disappearance.

  The last thing I saw of Beth before she disappeared from my view was her almost taking Brock out in her rush to flee. He dodged out of her way, caught sight of the congregation in my room, and hightailed it as well, no doubt trying to avoid the drama.

  Beth’s cries of stranger danger echoed back to the room, together with Dad’s cries of, “Bethie! Bethie, wait!”

  Mum and Beau were both frozen in place and waiting for me to make a move. Reality seeped in and took hold. My gaze swung between the two of them and their almost matching expressions.

  I burst out laughing.

  They shared a meaningful look before glancing back at me.

  “You!” I pointed at Beau and then Mum. “And Beth. And then . . . Oh, God.” I laughed so hard I had to clutch at my sides to stop the pain.

  “Ya ’right there, Dawson?” Beau chuckled.

  Mum’s gaze cut to Beau as he said the name. The lost expression on her face only made my laughter grow. It felt good to laugh again. Properly laugh. It’d been far too long.

  “Better than I was a few minutes ago,” I said through my laughter, acknowledging the elephant in the room. “I’m sorry I freaked out on you. I wish I could say it was going to get better, but I don’t know if it will.”

  He moved to sit beside me and held his hand out in a now-familiar invitation. “I keep tellin’ ya, darlin’, ya ain’t got nothing to apologise for.”

  I put my hand in his and rested my head on his shoulder. “And yet I’m going to keep apologising. Thank you for staying last night. I think that’s the best sleep I’ve had in a long time.”

  “Next time, I’ll try not to hold ya so tight.”

  It was about then I remembered Mum was still in the room. I bit my lip as I glanced up at her. I probably should have asked permission before having an impromptu sleepover. “I hope it was okay that Beau stayed over last night?”

  She looked like she was about to choke on her happiness. “It’s okay,” she whispered as she nodded. Then she seemed to remember herself. “I mean, a little more notice might be appropriate, and we’ll need to introduce him to the rest of the family so we don’t have a repeat of this morning’s incident.”

  “Yes, ma’am,” Beau said.

  “Please, it’s just Lys.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  I chuckled into my hand, drawing Mum’s gaze and another indrawn breath.

  “Well, I’ll leave you two kids alone for the moment,” Mum said. “Maybe you and Beau would like to join us for breakfast when you’re ready.” She didn’t wait for a response before leaving. It wasn’t an invitation but a rarely issued demand.

  “Thank you for being here,” I said to Beau. “Most guys would have left running and screaming a long time ago.”

  “Then most guys wouldn’t know what they were missin’ out on. You’re so beautiful when ya laugh.”

  A shudder ran through me and I flinched away from his words. I gave a tiny shake of my head. “Don’t.”

  “Don’t what?”

  “Don’t compliment me. I heard them all from . . .” I took a calming breath and tried to cement myself in my room with Beau. My hold on his hand tightened. “He would constantly tell me how . . .” I tried to force the words past my lips.

  “It’s okay, darlin’, I get the picture.”

  Clutching his hand as tight as I could, I shook my head. “No. I need to learn to speak about it. I need to be able to speak to you about it, or he gets all the power.” It was something Dr Bradshaw had been trying to teach me, but it was still hard to do.

  Beau trailed the fingers of his free hand over our entwined fingers and waited for me to speak.

  “He was convinced I would marry him. That we were still dating. I think—” I swallowed down the rising panic. “I think something snapped when I broke up with him.”

  “I think he snapped long before that.”

  “What?” Did Beau know something I didn’t?

  “Are ya sure ya wanna know?”

  Even though I wasn’t really certain, I nodded.

  “Before . . . before we found ya, we found out he almost killed his high school sweetheart when she ended things before prom.”

  I buried my head in my hand. I’d thought Bee was the crazy violent, psychopathic one before I’d forced Xavier’s hand. “Oh God. Why did I ever think it was a good idea to date him?”

  Beau dragged his hand away from mine and stood. He crossed the room in a few strides and leant against the wall with his head dipped between his hands. At first, his abr
upt shift confused me, but then awareness grew.

  I’d dated Xavier because of what I’d walked into at Richards Racing. Of course, Beau would blame himself for that. God, each of us was as broken as the other.

  Only we could heal ourselves though. And just maybe help one another.

  I climbed off the bed and rested my hand on his back. The muscles under my palm twitched and it seemed like he was going to twist away, but then he sighed and breathed a little easier.

  Even though the words coated my tongue, I didn’t tell him it wasn’t his fault. Deep down, he knew that as well as I did, but I figured he was as sick of hearing the words as I was. “I think we’ve talked enough for now. Mum probably expected us to be out there with everyone already.”

  “Can I just hold ya for a moment first?” He twisted to face me.

  As I nodded, he reached for me. With cautious movements, he wrapped both his arms around me. One enfolded my waist and pulled me close, the other rested along my spine so his fingers could find their way into my hair.

  He drew me hard against him and nuzzled against my neck. “I needed to feel ya ag’in, to know you’re really here.”

  I closed my eyes and rested my forehead against his shoulder. “I’m sorry for pushing you away. I wasn’t ready to face you any earlier. I—I still don’t really know if I am.”

  He rested his cheek on my hair. “It might be hard for you to believe, but I do understand. It’s why I haven’t approached ya even though it’s been all I’ve wanted to do.”

  A breath shuddered through me. Reading it as a negative reaction, Beau dropped his arms from my waist and stepped away. I felt cold in the absence of his embrace, but I didn’t know how to ask him to keep holding me.

  With a reassuring smile, he held out his hand. “I suppose I should go meet the rest of your family.”

  “You know most of them anyway.” I tried to infuse my voice with something light so he wouldn’t think it was an accusation, and yet it came out as one anyway.

  His mouth ticed to the side as an unknown emotion flitted across his features. “I didn’t wanna go behind your back, darlin’. I just couldn’t stay home anymore.”

  I nodded. Part of me still rebelled against everyone talking about me behind my back, but I understood it too. After all, it was a situation no one knew how to deal with. Not even me.