Physis (Phoebe Reede: The Untold Story #4)

by Michelle Irwin

  I stared at our joined hands.

  He seemed to pick up on how close I was to my breaking point. The day had been full of upheavals and I wasn’t sure I could face any more.

  “I’m gonna go home, but if ya need me ag’in, I’m only a phone call away.” He leant halfway across the car, and even though his lips called to me, I couldn’t follow through.

  “I’ll call you soon,” I promised as I climbed out of the car. Our gazes were locked as I started down the last of the driveway. When I reached the front door, I spun and found his eyes still focused on me. I gave him a little wave before turning around and heading inside.

  Mum was just inside the door, trying to pretend she hadn’t been waiting anxiously for me. “How’d you go?”

  “I think I’d like you to take me next week.”

  “That bad?”

  I shook my head. “No. I just . . . I’m not sure I can wait alone during Beau’s sessions, and it felt too much like an intrusion to be in the room during it.”

  “You were inside the room?”

  “He needed to speak to Dr Bradshaw . . .” I bit my lip—would she read more into my next words than I intended? “About Cassidee’s baby and how that makes him feel about—everything.”

  My gaze fell to the floor, dropping over her body as it went. In my head, I started to beg for her not to go there. Not to raise the one thing that had been a sticking point between us since I’d come home.

  Please don’t—

  In my periphery, she lifted her hand and pressed it against her stomach. “Phoebe, I—”

  “Not now,” I snapped before spinning on my heels and rushing to my room where I curled against my pillow and cried the tears that would never dry.

  “I’VE BEEN THINKIN’ ’bout yesterday.” Beau and I were side by side on the sofa. After an almost sleepless night, I’d called to invite him around for lunch. We hadn’t had anything special, just vegemite sandwiches—although Beau had barely taken two bites out of his. Eventually, Mum let him out of his suffering by offering him a ham and salad sandwich instead. Then we’d played some Xbox until Mum left to do the school run.

  Once she’d gone, I put down my controller and nuzzled into Beau’s side—seeking the closeness I’d missed the previous night. Even after Mum had returned and set the kids up doing their homework, Beau and I had sat in quiet companionship. I didn’t need to be talking to him constantly—just having him at my side made it a little easier to breathe.

  “What about yesterday?” I played with the hand of the arm he had draped over my shoulder. It was a position I’d probably have objected to a few days earlier, but that now felt comfortable. Especially after spending the night without him holding me. His presence was fast becoming a drug I couldn’t live without.

  “There was somethin’ ya did that I’d really liked. That I’ve been thinkin’ ’bout all night.”

  “What’s that?”

  Beau’s hand came to rest on my cheek. “You kissed me, and I’d really like ya to do it ag’in. If ya want to.”

  “I—” I was going to say I would like that too, but I couldn’t breathe enough to form the words. Instead, I twisted in his hold and pressed my lips to his.

  His breath caught but then his lips moved against mine. He didn’t try to push the kiss further. It was a relief because I wasn’t sure I was ready for that. Still, it was nice feeling the play of his lips against mine once more.

  Until it wasn’t.

  Without warning, I was back there with Xavier holding my hair, gripping tightly while he forced his lips against mine. I lifted my hands to push Beau away, but before I could, someone interrupted us.

  “Ugh, why are you out here making out with your boyfriend on the couch? Shouldn’t you have said something bitchy and locked yourself away in your room by now?”

  At the sound of Brock’s voice, I yanked away from Beau. My breath was short from the memory, and a shiver raced down my spine. I couldn’t deal with my brother and his attitude. Not now. Not anymore. “Fuck you, Brock.”

  “That was outta line,” Beau said at the same time.

  “What’s it to you, you stupid redneck? You’re not even part of this family.”

  “Take that back!” The words ripped from me.

  Brock’s eyes narrowed on me. “Why?”

  “Apologise to Beau, right now!” I snapped.

  He moved closer to me, his eyes narrowing further as his fingers curled into a ball. “Why should I, freak?”

  Despite the shivers racing through my body at the image of him closing in with fists drawn, I couldn’t let him near Beau. The thought of letting him past, letting him hurt Beau, burned through me. I couldn’t fail Beau like I’d failed our child. I shoved myself up off the couch and grabbed Brock’s shoulders.

  “Because you’re a rude little arsehole,” I said as I shoved him.

  “I—”

  “Brock. Phoebe. Both of you knock it off.” Dad’s voice cut between us.

  “Whatever.” Brock yanked out of my hold and pushed past Dad to head down the hall toward the bedrooms. “Stupid fucking hick. Thinks he’s better than us.” Brock’s muttering travelled to my ears and I was ready to go after him.

  “Brock, you little—”

  “Phoebe, wait.” Beau’s hand shot out and grabbed my wrist to stop me.

  Everything stopped. Silence gaped through the pause, filling the room until it was almost crushing. With a glare at his fingers wrapped around my arm, I recoiled from him. It was the first time he’d touched me without warning or permission.

  “Get out!” I snapped as I yanked free of his hold. I rubbed my wrist as the memory of the weight of the cuffs flooded back in.

  “Darlin’, I—”

  My lips curled into a snarl and I shot him a glare with all the heat I could muster. “Go!”

  “Phoebe—” Dad started.

  I held up my hand to stop him. “Don’t!”

  They both stared at me helplessly as I backed away. My head was filled with endless screams, my own and those of Bee’s other victims. My wrist tingled with the lingering sensation of being held.

  Shackled.

  Helpless.

  I took a handful of steps and then turned and ran. The only direction I could go without risking either of them trying to capture me was outside. I slammed the screen door behind me as I went. Certain someone would follow me before too long, I tried to plan an escape.

  I couldn’t go back to being locked up.

  Couldn’t anger everyone.

  Needed to get away.

  My lungs were on fire in my chest as I tried to process the last few minutes. How had everything gone from being so perfect to such shit all within the space of an indrawn breath?

  I reached the shed and found my escape. In the safe by the door were the keys to the spare cars, and to my bike. She’d been righted since the last time I’d been down, but the tarp hadn't been put back on her. One side of her once-pristine purple paint was scratched. Somehow that damage made me more inclined to take her. She was imperfect—just like me.

  Without thinking it through, I grabbed my helmet off the shelf and threw myself onto the bike. I said a silent prayer as I turned on the ignition and started her up. She spluttered a little, no doubt grumbling about the poor quality of the old fuel in her lines.

  “C’mon, just do this for me, please?” I begged. I needed to get out of there and she was my only escape. Eventually, she started, and I was able to put her into gear and drive her to the roller door.

  I smashed my fingers against the button to open the door and waited with my hand poised on the throttle. As soon as the door had opened enough to let me out, I ducked down, twisted the throttle, and shot forward. Both Beau and Dad were almost at the door to the shed and had to leap backwards out of my way.

  My heart was lodged in my throat as my wrist burned with the memory of the chains that had secured me in my hell for so long. I took off as fast as my bike would go, needing to go eve
n though I didn’t know where I needed to be.

  BY THE time my bike died, I was idling in a car park for the Cedar Creek Falls on Tambourine Mountain. I didn’t remember pointing my bike in that direction or having any plan other than to escape.

  Despite being out of fuel, away from home and the things I’d run from, I still wanted to flee. The urge grew even stronger when I considered what Dad and Beau must think of my reaction. I dropped the kickstand and ripped the key out of the ignition before rushing in the direction of the walking trail that would lead me down to the falls.

  The last time I’d been there, the Easter before my holiday to the States, I’d been with Angel. We’d gone down to the rock pools and spent the day under the waterfall, listening to the thunderous crashing sound as we laughed and joked. Needing to have the peace I’d found that day, I picked my way through the bush track as I made my way down the mountain. I wasn’t dressed for hiking, but it wasn’t a difficult path either, even in the low light of leading up to nightfall.

  I reached the bottom of the stairs and then made my way across the rocks that would lead me to the water. Curious gazes turned in my direction and I froze. I stepped backwards and almost lost my footing. I lowered myself onto the ground, content to sit where I was.

  I closed my eyes and let the sound of the water and the people playing fill my ears. I tried to turn away from the thoughts about the panic everyone at home must be going through. It wasn’t that I meant to hurt them again; I just couldn’t stay there any longer. With shaking arms, I held my hands up in front of me, staring at them, unable to believe how quickly I’d attacked my brother. If Dad hadn’t arrived home right then, would I have done some damage? Would I have hurt Brock?

  Was I as bad as Bee and Xavier? Had I somehow morphed into them—taken some of their evil deep inside?

  It was only then I realised I didn’t even have my phone on me to call home and put their minds at ease that I was okay. Eventually, I’d probably have to beg a stranger to borrow their phone or something, but first I needed to breathe.

  As my heartbeat slowed and my rational side crept back in, embarrassment burned through me. Brock shouldn’t have said what he had, and Beau shouldn’t have grabbed me the way he had, but I shouldn’t have reacted as badly as I did either. I couldn’t let myself spin out of control over every little argument or issue.

  That was easier said than done though.

  For the next few hours, I tried to find some peace—something to quieten out the noise. Nothing worked completely. Every time one of the other visitors to the rock pool came too close, I’d shy away, hiding in on myself.

  “Hey, girlie.”

  I startled when I heard the voice, too familiar to be just a coincidence.

  “W-what are you doing here?”

  Angel sat down beside me without asking. “Your parents have recruited everyone they can think of to help find you.”

  I stared at my hands rather than meet her emerald eyes. “How mad are they?”

  “Mad? They’re not mad, Pheebs. They’re worried.”

  “I just needed some space.” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her nod.

  “Beau told me what happened.”

  I scoffed. “Bet he was real quick to tell you all about the freak.”

  “It’s not like that. He was panicked and needed a friend, someone who knows you.”

  “You don’t know me. Not anymore.”

  She dropped her forehead onto her raised knees. “You’re right,” she murmured toward her lap. “The Phoebe I knew would never say something like that.”

  “What the hell?”

  Instead of answering straight away, her hand travelled the ground between us before her fingers closed around a smooth stone. She lifted it into her lap and spun it around as if it was the most valuable thing in the world. “Everyone pussyfoots around you,” she said as she sent the stone skimming across the rocky surface toward the water. “And I get it because no one wants to be the one to hurt you, but maybe you need someone to tell you straight up when you’re being a bitch. If that has to be me, then I’ll take that role.” She turned away and added in a murmur, “I’ve been cast in it anyway.”

  I stared at her, stunned and beating back my anger. When her gaze sought me out, I caught a glimpse of her eyes. They shone like gems as her tears flooded in. Other than Brock and his pain-in-the-arse comments, no one had spoken to me that way. I wanted to stand up and tell her to fuck off, but I couldn’t find the words in the face of the pain burned onto her features.

  “You need to pull your head out of your arse and see what’s standing right in front of you, Pheebs.”

  “Excuse me?” How dare she talk to me like that. I wanted to shove her away, but that was what had gotten me into the mess in the first place.

  “You have so many people who love you, who want to help you, and you’re pushing them all away.”

  “Why are you being such a bitch?”

  “Because someone needs to be.” She wrapped her arms around her raised legs. “I love you, and I want to help you. But I’ve already lost you, and I don’t know how to deal with that.”

  Trying to ignore the sting of the three little words that were no longer innocent to me, I wanted to deny her claim. I needed to tell her she hadn’t lost me. But for us, more than two months without any contact was as good as lost.

  “Don’t push Beau away as well, Pheebs.” Her tears filled her voice. I wanted to comfort her, but I didn’t know how. Not anymore. “He’s a good man, and he loves you. He doesn’t deserve to be treated like shit when he’s trying so hard to be everything you need him to be. I can’t walk away from you without knowing that you at least have him.”

  Her words cut too deep, slicing chasms into my heart. The organ lay bleeding and raw in my chest, eviscerated at the thought of having to say a permanent goodbye to the girl beside me.

  “M-maybe you shouldn’t walk away at all.” The words were directed at my hands because I couldn’t look at her. It was an almost impossible request, one I had no right asking after the way I’d treated her since coming home. Yet, I needed her in my life. I hadn’t realised how much until that moment. All I wanted to do was wrap my arms around her and let her take my pain away while I gave her some peace in return.

  Her head shot up and her eyes widened. “Do you really mean that?”

  I reached my hand out to her. “You’re a piece of my soul, Angel. That hasn’t changed. It’s just . . .” I sighed as I tried to find my words.

  She took my offered hand and wiggled a little closer. “Just what?”

  I rubbed my hand over hers, the most contact I could willingly give. “All of the good bits of me are left in you now, and I don’t know how to talk to them.”

  “You talk to me like you’ve always done.”

  “I missed you,” I admitted.

  “I’ve waited so long for you to say something like that.”

  “I’m sorry for what happened.” I wrapped my arms around her. “How I reacted when you said that about Mum.”

  She responded instantly, curling her arms around my waist. “I am too. I shouldn’t have said . . . I-I didn’t know—” Her voice broke as she buried her face in my neck. “I’m so sorry, girlie. I can’t even imagine what you must have gone through, and then to face that on top of it all . . .”

  Her words made one thing clear—she knew about my miscarriage. “Beau told you about our baby?”

  She shook her head. “He’d never give up any of your secrets.”

  “Then how . . .?”

  “I worked it out.” She reached out and brushed my hair behind my ear. The sudden movement and uninvited touch made me flinch. Her frown deepened and rage flashed in her eyes. She grabbed my hair, and I went to pull away—reminded of the way Bee used to manhandle me—but before I could, her forehead touched mine and her tear-soaked gaze burned into me. “I wish I could kill those motherfuckers for what they did to you, my girl. I would have given anything to have t
he chance to tear them apart with my bare hands.”

  The reality of her being anywhere near Xavier or Bee struck me. God, I couldn’t imagine how I would feel if the roles were reversed. I wouldn’t know how to handle it. “I’m glad you never got the chance and that they’re all dead.”

  “Me too, girlie. Me too.”

  “How did you know I’d be here?”

  “I didn’t. Not really. Beau asked me to help him, and I remembered what you said when we were here last time.”

  The memory ran through me. We’d been under the waterfall, watching the people coming and going, and spotted a guy in a shirt and tie, pacing back and forth as he yelled into his mobile phone.

  “I can’t imagine it’s possible to be here and be stressed,” I said, repeating my words from that day.

  “I guess stress comes in different forms.” There was a thoughtful edge to her voice as she spoke. We let go of each other and moved to sit side by side again. “Anyway, Beau said you’d mentioned a waterfall a little while ago, and I remembered that day. He drove while I looked and we thought it was worth a try. We saw your bike and here I am.”

  “You’re good friends now, aren’t you?” It’d been clear in the way Beau had defended Angel, and how his face lit up when Mum or Dad spoke about her.

  Angel blushed and looked at her hands. “He hasn’t told you, has he?”

  My heart stopped beating.

  MY LUNGS BURNED as I considered what possible thing Angel could be talking about that Beau had apparently neglected to mention. “Hasn’t told me what?”

  She twisted her fingers around one another. “Beau’s a really great guy.”

  “We’ve established that,” I said through clenched teeth.

  “When he first came to Australia, he wanted to be the white knight.” She gave a small eye roll and giggled. “You know how he is. Anyway, he couldn’t talk to you like he wanted. So he came to my place, right when Mum was having one of her fits.”

  “Fits” was Angel’s way of saying her mum was drunk and laying into her. Despite the green-eyed monster that had popped up when she’d first started talking about him, a niggle of hope grew in me as I waited for more. Had he done what everyone else had failed to do, no matter how many times we’d tried?