by Unknown
Josh stood to his feet then gave me a hand getting up from the sofa. I held his hand tightly. “Thanks Josh.” I gazed up at him. “No, really, thank you for everything. Thank you for loving me and forgiving me and helping me to forgive myself. I will never forget that! You’re an amazing person and I wish you nothing but the best in Arizona.” I hugged him as tightly as my belly would allow. “I’ll see you Friday night at Both Sides okay?”
“Sure thing sweetheart,” Josh said as he placed a gentle peck on my cheek and walked out the door.
*****
Amber, Todd, Feliz, Mario, Angela and her son Jeremy all met me promptly at noon to help move furniture and set up: chairs, tables, artwork, wine stations and the stage area. Because they believed so strongly in my work, Both Sides art studio had been kind enough to allow use of their space as a platform for my showcase. They were also pleasantly surprised when I told them I would also be singing with the band. I can’t believe I’ve finally found my passion and I’m pursuing it. I’ll have to remember to go back and check that one off the list. I would actually be putting that “to do” list I’d written so long ago to rest. I guess it’s time to come up with some bigger dreams, aspirations and goals.
Mike and the band showed up two hours after our arrival and they started setting up their equipment on stage.
“Now where the hell was he when we were setting up all this stuff?” Angie said to Amber in a deliberately audible tone.
“The band had to finish working on some stuff for the show.” I hissed. “Please don’t start Angie. He’s here now and the show is starting in a little while.” I pleaded.
Angie turned her mouth down and glared in Mike’s direction and Amber followed suit, folding her arms across her chest. “Okay. I’ll leave it alone today, but just know, that’s one.” I sighed heavily and tried to brush off ill feelings as Mike hopped down from the stage and headed toward me.
“Ms. Erin will you be ready for sound check in about an hour? Me and the guys want to run through the whole line up if you’re up to it.” He said as he rubbed my belly. I tilted my head up toward him and smiled. “I’ll be ready.” Mike gave me a quick peck on the lips and headed back toward the stage.
“So, are we invisible or something? He can’t say ‘hello’ or ‘go to hell’ or something? Girrrl that is strike two! Let’s get you in back and see what the setup is for make-up, hair and wardrobe!” Angie looped her arm through mine and guided me toward the back room. Feliz and Amber were right behind us.
Feliz paused and looked back over her shoulder. “You guys keep working. We’ll be back in a few minutes.”
“Now you know as soon as we round this corner Mario, Jeremy and Todd will be sitting right down on their asses.” Angie gave Feliz a knowing look.
“Angie, what’s with you today? You have a bad attitude.” Feliz scrunched up her nose.
“I’m sorry. I had a run in with Jeremy’s dad before we came. I don’t mean to piss on the party.” Angie glanced in my direction. “I apologize to you too. I know Mike is good for you and I can tell you’re both crazy about each other. Now let’s get you into this dressing room!”
The studio owners had managed to make a decent space in the back room for me to have a small changing area. They’d hung up clean tarps to block off the kiln and art supplies that had been shoved off to one side. I perched myself up on a stool in front of a full-length mirror they’d provided. “Whew! Did they have to give me a full frontal view?” I rubbed my belly and chuckled.
“You look beautiful Erin and when we get done you’ll look even more beautiful.” Feliz said as she pulled out her make-up kit. I sat and watched as Amber found a plug for her flat iron and Angie began sorting through outfits.
“Wow! Makeup, hair and my own personal stylist. Amber, now I know how you feel when we go out of town!” We all erupted in laughter.
“Watch your mouth Erin. I’m the one who’ll be putting a hot flat iron to your head!” We all laughed some more.
Forty-five minutes later my hair lay sleekly swept to one side and my makeup was immaculate. All of the primping had made me warm so I was sitting there in my bra and leggings trying to cool off. Drinking ice water was out of the question, so I settled for a cool bottle of water instead and pressed it against my chest and then my forehead. “Whew! This two-person body heat is no joke!” I slid down slowly from the stool and carefully pulled back on my shirt to head out toward the stage.
“There she is!” Mike exclaimed. “I was just about to come and get you. Come on up and let’s have a run through.” Before I could take a step in his direction, he shouted, “Wait! Let me give you a proper introduction!” He stepped up to the microphone and adjusted his stance. “Ladies and gentleman, tonight is a night that has been a long time coming and way overdue! Tonight you have the pleasure of being introduced to one of the most talented and beautiful women I’ve ever known. Please put your hands together for the real Erin Porter!” Everyone that was there hooted and hollered as Mike grabbed my hand and helped me onto the stage. He walked me over to the easel that was set up with paints and brushes next to it on a small table. Mike helped me up onto the stool and adjusted the microphone in front of me before taking his place behind the keyboard. Epiphany played the intro of the first song. I closed my eyes, opened my mouth and let my truth pour out. It wasn’t until the last note was played and I heard the room erupt in applause that I finally opened my eyes. Feliz, Amber and Angie were beaming and the guys and staff were on their feet clapping wildly.
“Thank you.” I blushed and took a small bow. From there, we ran through the entire set and before I knew it there were exactly thirty minutes until the doors opened and only an hour before the show was set to start. I took one last look around the room and took it all in. The walls were covered with portraits I’d painted. The room was filled with people who loved and supported me and I was about to have everything I’d ever wanted. I breathed in the moment. This is surreal. I made a quick exit before my tears had a chance to fall. I don’t want to mess up Feliz’s beautiful makeup! I grabbed a napkin and lightly dabbed my eyes and took a breath. There in the stillness of the room, I thought about where I was and who and where I’d been a year ago. I hadn’t even realized that what I’d been longing for had actually been calling out to me all along. The love I’d yearned for all along wasn’t just being given, it was being reciprocated. All the love I’d been seeking, I had finally found within. Now, I was able to share it with the people who had been waiting for me to love myself enough to let them in. Here come the waterworks. I tried desperately to salvage my makeup as my friends walked in.
“You ok mommy,” Feliz asked.
“I’m just a little overwhelmed –not by the show but just by love. My heart is full, my life is full and I have never been this happy!”
“Aww!!” Feliz, Angie and Amber sang out in a chorus and wrapped their arms around me.
“We’re so happy for you. Now let’s get you dressed! And don’t worry, Feliz will fix your raccoon eyes!” Angie really was the best at bringing laughter through tears.
I could hear the low rumble of conversation from my dressing room, but I wasn’t prepared for what I saw as I reached the doorway leading to the stage. It was a packed house with standing room only. Amber and Feliz scooted around me; each giving me a hug before taking their seats down front. Angie paused, enfolding me in a warm hug and whispered, “Go get ‘em girl.” I returned her hug with a tight squeeze, before she let me go and made her way to her seat beside Feliz. I looked down the front row and seated beside Amber was Josh. She and Todd were still “Team Josh” so it was no surprise he sat next to them since they were the only people he knew at the show. Josh looked over at me and as our eyes met he beamed as he got up and headed toward me. I took a breath, looked down at my baby bump and gave it a rub. “Here we go.”
When I walked through the doorway the crowd erupted and Josh was standing right there to grab my hand and help me up the stairs to the
stage. He had completely ignored the fact that Mike was already standing at the top of the steps with his hand extended toward me. Goodness, I don’t need that much damned help. It’s only three steps! Even though they were both gentlemen, I knew this was more of a pissing contest than it was chivalry. To keep the peace during their first face-to-face encounter, I let Josh help me up the stairs, then took Mike’s hand and he escorted me across the stage to the stool. I leaned toward the mike and adjusted myself on the stool to keep from tipping over. That would be all I need is for this big belly to have me topple off the stage in front of everyone. I gave my tummy a pat. “I think we’ve got it together now.” I smiled down at my belly as soft chuckles rippled through the crowd. “Good evening everyone. Thank you so much for coming out! This is amazing and I’m so glad you all thought enough to share this moment with me. Ok, so, let’s do it!”
Thirty minutes later as the painting portion of the showcase was coming to a close. Mike moved his keyboard to the front of the stage as I stood up, grabbed the mike from the stand and walked over to him. He played the intro and I began the first verse. The entire song we never took our eyes off one another. Right then, there was no one else in the room, but he and I. Our voices melted together as we ended the song:
You take the fall
And risk it all
When love calls
At that moment I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I wasn’t just singing about myself, I was singing about Mike. I was ready to risk it all with him and for him. He was more than just what my body craved, he was what my heart needed and I wanted nothing more than to be with him.
The roar of applause and whistles reminded me that I was still on stage in front of a crowd of people. I broke my gaze from Mike and turned to face the crowd and surveyed. Toward the back, I saw Adrian and his grandmother. To my right co-workers and the Both Sides crew stood at the bar. Down front, I locked eyes with each of my friends but froze when I got to Amber. Hers was the only sad face in the crowd and I didn’t need to look any further to know… Josh was gone.
Epilogue
It had been weeks since I’d received the text, but for some reason, I still couldn’t delete it.
I wanted you to know the DNA test results are back. You aren’t the baby’s father. I’m sorry I didn’t have the nerve to call and tell you. I honestly didn’t know the right way to say it and this just seemed easier. I know it is a cop out. I hope the bright spot in all of this will be that now you can finally be free to live your life and not be encumbered by all of this. I wish you all the best out there in Arizona. Please keep in touch and take care of yourself.
Erin
Every time I read it I fought against the urge to hurl the phone against the wall. I still couldn’t believe she told me the test results via text. I knew she struggled with how to handle difficult situations but damn! I felt like the least she could have done was called. It was like, despite all we’d gone through together, I didn’t mean enough to her to tell me in person or at least by phone. And how the fuck could she think that me living without her was a “bright side”?! Even before I knew why, I felt her slipping away from me, but I held on. I held onto hope. I held on to love.
To this day, I still can’t remember what made me drive past the park that day, on my way home from work. Maybe it was a fleeting thought that one day I’d be taking my son there if the DNA test came out in my favor. The image of a little boy being pushed on the swings by his pregnant mother will forever be burned into my mind. It was beautiful and for a moment I allowed myself to imagine it was my wife and child. I thought of Erin pushing our baby. That could still be our life one day. I thought. I didn’t even notice the man sitting on the bench until he rose and strode over to embrace the pregnant lady. I slowed the car down to linger a while longer in my fantasy. It wasn’t until I rode past them that I realized it was Erin and Mike. She was leaning her head against his chest and gazing up at him lovingly. I felt my heart crack as he leaned down and kissed her. It was more than I could take and I sped away, but I couldn’t outrun the image of Erin. She was happy in the arms of another man. There wasn’t going to be an us and that wouldn’t be our life. She was happy without me. She was building her life and her family and I wasn’t a part of it. I started applying for new positions the very same night. I need to get the hell out of Chicago as soon as possible. There’s nothing here for me anymore.
After hearing my whole story, my brother was more than happy to put me in contact with his friends at the University of Arizona. They agreed to put in a good word for me to get me an interview and when I got the call I jumped at the chance to put as much distance as I could between me and the woman who was both my torment and my joy. The weeks that followed had been some of the hardest I’d ever faced. For three months, I continued to see Erin as if nothing had happened. Each visit chipped away a piece of my heart. I came when she called. If she needed me, I was there. I continued to watch the life grow inside her and even helped her paint the nursery.
I called Erin the same night I got the news about the job. I made it sound like an offer I couldn’t refuse so that she would tell me to take it. If I’d known that day would be the last time I was going to kiss her, I would have made it count. I would have said all the things I was waiting to tell her the night after her show.
Nothing went the way I planned. When I showed up to the venue and saw Mike and his band on the stage, I started to turn around and walk right back out the door. Seeing Erin was the only thing that willed me to stay. I tried hard to relax my jaw that had tightened with each step I took toward the stage. I was laser-focused on Amber and Todd. If Mike so much as glances in my direction, I will kick the shit out of him. Smug bastard. My tension eased once Amber and Todd distracted me with conversation, but when I saw Erin walk into the doorway, the room disappeared. The walls fell away and the ground collapsed. She was glowing and more beautiful than I had ever seen her. The life growing inside her made her beauty blinding. I couldn’t help but go to her.
I stood proudly at the edge of the stage and waited as Erin took my hand and I helped her onto the stage. Mike had stuck his hand out too, but I didn’t give a shit because she had reached for mine. My moment was short-lived as she took her final step onto the stage and grabbed Mike’s hand to walk her to her seat onstage.
My moment of disappointment disappeared the very second I saw Erin come to life with art and music. I relaxed into her cool and comfortable atmosphere and reveled in her voice. How could anyone hide that their entire life? I remember thinking about how powerful a person had to be to hold something that big inside and never let it out.
I had closed my eyes to muster my courage and get my thoughts together. Her show is ending soon. I guess it’s now or never. This time I won’t hold back. I’ll tell her everything and let the chips fall where they may. If this is goodbye, I want to make it count. I’d planned to kiss her one last time; to hold her in my arms and feel her against me, but that never happened. The sound of two voices pulled my focus back to the stage. I looked up and saw Erin and Mike singing to one another about the bravery of love. She was telling him how his love had saved her and that it was worth the risk. I heard her message loud and clear. The love she felt for Mike was one worth fighting for. I guess ours wasn’t. It was more than I could stand. I was done chasing after a love that would never belong to me. I pressed through the crowd of people and out the door. When I got home that night, I emailed the Dean and asked if I could fly out on Monday. Erin called me eight times in the two days that passed after her performance. I deleted every text message and voicemail. I don’t need to talk to her until I am far the fuck away from here. Once I got the go ahead from the Dean early Monday morning, it was all that I needed. I drove to the airport and bought a ticket on the spot. I’ll come back in a few weeks to get the rest of my shit.
I’d been adjusting to the Arizona heat and getting familiar with the college campus in the weeks that followed and had been in a staff meeting when I
received Erin’s infamous text. Just the thought of it now caused my stomach to roil the same way it did that day. It took all the strength and energy I could draw up to send two solitary letters:
Ok
I ended up blocking Erin’s number from my phone, but for some reason, I still hadn’t deleted her last text. I had tried to rationalize the whole situation as best I could and to concede to the fact that at least Erin was happy, but none of the lies I told myself changed the way I felt in my heart. Maybe I gave up too soon. What if things fall apart with her and Mike? If he cheated with her, he’s bound to cheat on her. I had no doubt that Mike wasn’t half the man I was and one day Erin would see it. I determined then that the distance between us would be my opportunity to overcome my challenges and when the time was right, I would go back to Chicago and claim the woman that I loved. As long as there was still an ounce of fight left; an ounce of love left; a portion of hope left, I would use every bit of it to win her back!
Table of Contents
Table of Contents
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
